Hi,
My name is Darlene, I'm 38yo & have been a nurse for almost 20yrs. My Dad was healthy just before Easter, a strapping 6' 4" 280lb man, then (due to some slight stomach discomfort/black stool) I sent him for a checkup.
He was dx w/stage 4 stomach cancer & the tumor was about 6cm & very "ugly" as per the doctor. It was in-operable unless it shrunk down from chemo. He had a port a cath & went on to endure 6wks of 5FU chemo (I think that's the correct name).
He felt worse after chemo. & ended up in the hospital w/symptoms of dehydration/starvation. We then found out, HIS TUMOR GREW DURING CHEMO.! And, it's now spread into his liver. He isn't even healthy/strong enough for another endoscopy & refused further tests, so we don't know how large the tumor is.
After only about 10 wks since diagnosis, he's decided to go into a nearby Hospice to "live" the rest of his life as comfortable as possible. He's (for the most part) comfortable, the staff is wonderful & so is sub-lingual Morphine. He's getting thinner, and more jaundice by the hour. Not to mention his "abdominal spasms" caused by the tumor moving through the stomach lining/into the abdominal wall. :( I have never felt so sad & helpless in my life. The fits of tears are overwhelming & without warning. Thank God for my husband & 3 children, but this feels like torture to me.
I feel guilty for wanting him to pass away sooner rather than later...maybe I'm being selfish, but I feel like part of me is dying too.
Being a Nurse in this instance is NOT helping because I react to things before they happen, because I know too much. Please write if you can relate to me. Thanks for listening.