I have that empty feeling. I also just don't care.
I was diagnosed with two different types of breast cancer five years ago on May 15. I believed I handled the whole experience as well as I could.
I did my first series of chemo before my surgery. I was told on my last date of chemo that I would have to do another chemo series after surgery. This sent me to the doctor for anxiety medication. That was a shock--and unfair. I had previously been told that I would only need one round of chemo. I had the chemo and surgery while my son was with his father for the summer. (I won't go there right now--my ex was neither supportive nor kind he was vicious).
I had to decide what to do. I had invasive cancer in my left breast (and felt another lump grow during the chemo) and non invasive in my right breast. My original oncologist wanted me to have lumpectomies (sp?), but he relocated before the surgery. I learned (my aunt trained as a surgeon but is an ER dr.) that this is not standard procedure in a case such as mine.
I did wait until the 12th hour to make the decision--and actually my sister called in a favor and I was able to see the head of oncology at the hospital where she worked. So I got to see him at the last minute. He told me what he would do and was honest and clear. He had heard about my case (it was reviewed by a consortium of oncologists in the Chicago area for a variety of reasons, most specifically because breast cancer does not run in my family but uterine and colon cancer do).
So I had a bilateral mastectomy, full mastectomy on left breast and regular (what do you call that?) on right breast. I went through two years or so of reconstruction.
I now have lymphodema (sp) in my left arm. I am experiencing pain in both breasts. I had a brief discussion with my trusted reconstructive surgeon before he went on vacation. I should have pushed him to see me, but I know how hard he works and was not aware that he is on vacation until tax day.
The dr. did state that he believed the severe pain was from scar tissue that needed to be removed.
During the last three weeks, I have been in intense pain and have been incredibly unpleasant. My boss has threatened to fire me, even after I evaluated the situation and discussed why these things were occurring with him and basically kissed up. The stress has driven me into a 24/7 anxiety attack (I have an anxiety disorder). I'm scared. I'm lost.
Actually, this is the first time I have reached out to a cancer support group and even just typing this feels so good.
I'm lonely. I'm scared and sometimes I think I'm crazy.
Jessica