In my previous postings I spoke of my Dad wanting to quit chemo due many bad reactions he had to the chemo. April 1, 2008 was his official last treatment. April 3 he was we had to rush him to the hospital because he was shaking, dizzy, weak, and had extremely low blood pressure. The paramedics had to shock him. He was in Intensive Care for a few days and they think it was sepsis. THINK is the key word. These Doctors have no idea what they are doing!!! The Oncologist even went as far as to say my Dad had BAD LUCK!!! What kind of a person says that? Well he was discharged on broad antibiotics. Last week he was rushed again to the hospital for the same symptoms. He was discharged in Thursday and we had to take him again last night. Once again, no answers!!! My dad is on a medicine only order per his wishes. It is so hard knowing what he is going through. He has suffered so much. I find myself crying daily. Anything can trigger it. My kids think that he is going to be better because everytime he used to come out of the hospital he "felt" better and was self reliant. Sadly, that is not the case anymore. Their Papa has made a decision to be on Hospice and might not be here 6 months from now. We support his wishes but I will be honest with you, it is tearing me apart. I can't imagine life without him. He is our rock. I look at him everyday and cherish the time we have with him, yet in the back of my mind I cringe at the fact time is againt us. Time dictates how long we are all here. I wish I could stop the clock, make him free of cancer and let my kids have their Grandpa forever. BUT I can't. All I can think of is how much he means to us, how he will be greatly missed and how much our lives will change. I find everything even harder because I am his primary caregiver. He divorced 11 years ago and I am responsible for caring for him. It is so hard emotionally and physically on my body. I have Fibromyalgia and when I stress out, get depressed or don't sleep, my body reacts. I deal with it and keep looking forward because I know my Dad needs me to be strong. I feel like I am burning out. If I feel like this now I dread how I will react when he passes. I am so scared to say goodbye.