My 80-year old mother was diagnosed summer last year with angiosarcoma of the head with mets to lymph nodes. Because of her age she would not tolerate chemo so radiation was given x 2 months. I researched and gave her natural remedies like Birm (an ecuadorian concoction), essiac tea in the form of flor essence, liquid and also sublingual B complex vitamins, modified citrus pectin capsules, aloe vera drinks, etc. Now a year later she is battling another type of cancer, breast cancer. I take care of her, she is all I have, and although for some it might look kind of Norman Bates type of thing, she lives with me and I take care of her at the best of my abilities. This week she went for surgery of the breast tumor and an X-ray revealed multiple nodules in her lungs, suspicion of metastasis. I was devastated because I know once the lungs are invaded, at her age, the final is imminent. I have to take her this week for more x-rays or catscan to make sure what is it before breaking the news to her. Last year when the doctors told me she had 6 months max I was a mess. I would cry everyday everywhere I went. I cut off all my friendships, even close friends that have always been there for me. I concentrated totally on her care and wanted to share every single day off with her, every single hour with her. It has been a year since I have not seen a single one of my friends; my social life is zero now. I just work and come home to mom, I share her with my sisters as much as I can, but it's visible she would rather be with me than with any of them and I love her company. It’s kind of a relief read about a "sudden bad news syndrome" because I realize what happened to me now. I shut off the rest of the world and began my mourning a year ago. I’m walking in a funeral procession that I know will end some day but which I wish it never did. My closest friends send me e-mails, leave messages but my response is always the same: someday we'll go out again and have fun as we used to. Not right now. I would be much of a nuisance in any of my circle of friends reunions or travels. My mind would be back at mom’s. I cannot have fun when the person I love the most in the universe is being eaten by a dragon I cannot fight. Perhaps, I think at times, if she heals and becomes cancer-free then I will go out again and have fun, have a social life again. And for my mental sanity, I’m preparing myself mentally for a terrible outcome. She wants to visit her hometown to visit her father's grave one last time, I’ll invest a month or so preparing to visit that remote area. I’m sorry about my friends, about our friendships, I missed them so much. I miss their jokes, their laughs, their witty sense of humor, their comforting companionship. But there will be some day plenty of time for them and mom's time might be limited now. If I make lots of money or if I make minimum wage, she loves me the same. If I lived in a mansion or if I lived in a shack she loved me the same. If I have a master or if I had just high school she love me the same. Her love is unconditional, there will no one on this planet that will love me like that. So I have to grieve alone her destiny, which I made, by personal choice, my parallel destiny also. I have to walk her funeral procession alone and learn to let go. Although sometimes in the process, I feel pieces of my heart are left along the road. My friends? Someday I will go back to them when mom is either healthy again and back in her home watering her plants and feeding her birds or when she is just a memory of something beautiful that happened to me.