30th August last year at 1.10 am, my dad died from cancer. That's the first time I've written that, and it still doesn't ring true. I nursed him, with my mother, from diagnosis through to the end, four months later. I left my job to be able to do that, and moved back to the village where I grew up. Nearly 9 months later, I'm still here. I've been going to counselling since before he died, and have been on anti-depressants since I fell apart at Christmas. I just don't seem to be able to wake up from this dreamlike state I've been in. I used to talk to my Dad every day on the phone. We talked about every major decision and most of the minor ones in my life and his. We wound each other up about politics, giggled about all sorts of trivial things and supported each other with various worries about family, career etc. We understood each other implicitly - just two words was enough for either of us to understand the irritation/confusion/happiness/pride the other was feeling. We loved, respected and were deeply proud of each other. When I found out that my husband is a compulsive gambler, he held me as I sobbed and screamed out my shock and pain. He was my compass, and I am so lost without him. I know he would want me to go on and be strong and have a full life, but those are just empty words. I AM trying, I'm walking and swimming and trying to keep active, but I'm living like a hermit and just can't cope with trying to rebuild my life. I feel so stupid for being such a wimp. My mother seemed to bounce back within weeks and my two brothers seem to have been virtually untouched by grief. I know everyone deals with things differently, but their way of coping just makes me feel even more alone. Not that I go around moping - most people think that I'm doing fine, as I generally manage to behave as if life has completely returned to normal. But I miss him so much. I keep having dreams that he has come back, but still as a very sick man. I wake up crying sometimes and feeling as if my chest is about to split open with the pain. If my dad was here, he'd hold me and everything would be ok again. But he's not, and I just can't get my head around it.