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My Father

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Subject: My father
Date: 06/04/2008

My father was diagnosed last month with lung cancer with mets to the bone. He has had pain for some time but it got worse about 2.5 weeks ago and was put on darvocet and then oxycontin.  He became confused and very lethargic and shaky when walking. He was brought to the ER last weekend and has since been moved to a rehab.

He will start radiation tomorrow - I spoke to my BIL tonight who happens to be a radiation therapist and will give my father his treatments. He said that his left shoulder is pretty much shot. They will be giving him rads on both of his shoulders and his lung mass. He has said that it is all for pain management which I know but my sister is living in denial.  My mother thinks that he will survive. I want to let her know the true stats but she has had issues of her own and I do not want to upset her too much.

 I just cannot believe how much has changed over the last couple of weeks.  My father was able to move about on his own and now he needs help with everything.  He seems to be hallucinating a little because he tells my sister that he keeps on seeing things when he looks at my mother.  Honestly, my sister has taken the reins on this stretch.  I did the first half with talking my father to all his tests and such.  I really do not like to see him in the rehab although I feel safer that he is there.  My mother is so tired but continues to go everyday to see him.

Emotionally, I am ok but I am dreading the whole goodbye process.  I want to let him know how I feel but I do not want to let him know how advanced he is.  He thinks that once the rads start he will be fine.

I never really said goodbye to my grandmother (his mother) and 13 years later I am still having issues.  I think that deep down he knows how I feel but you just never know. 

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