Hi everyone,
I know caregivers have heard this before and have asked for advice, but I guess I’m here to vent and share. My mom passed away on 2/4/08...only 5 months ago...and tonight I hit a wall. We’re starting the process of purchasing her monument and I had to find a picture of my mom. As I was going through my albums, I broke. I’ve had to be the strong person in our family. I’m the only child of one the strongest women I knew. My mom was the rock and I ended up fulfilling that role for a dad, who could barely take care of himself, and a family that was used to a daughter/sister who took care of everything.
Now that I’ve let out, my mom’ last year was short and rushed at the same time. She was initially diagnosed with breast cancer 5 years ago. She was in remission and all was good. Last June out of the blue, she was diagnosed with metastasized breast cancer, which had spread to her bones and left lung. She had chemo and fought her battle with a smile at all times. Her treatments were working until right before Christmas, 12/21, when we learned that there was slight activity in her liver.
From that point on, our worlds had changed. From June to December, she had aged, shrunk in size and started to lose that fighting spirit. From December on, the light she shown on us had started to dim…then Martin Luther King Day happened and I got a call that I knew would start to change my world. She was rushed to the ER and I needed to drive down. My parents and I live about 1.5 hours from each other. Once there, I knew this was the beginning of the end.
I took care of everything, just like she would have wanted. I spoke to doctors, nurses, specialists and family. She knew her battle was almost over, but we tried to laugh and enjoy each other’s time as much as possible. But as each day and night had passed, we started to lose her more and more. Her appetite was gone, jaundice had set in, all vitals were slowing down… we tried all that we could…
Day after day, I tried to keep hope that God would send us a miracle. That God couldn’t be that cruel and let my mom, at the young age of 54 die…never seeing her daughter get married, seeing her grandchildren that were to come “one day” and still be my “mommy”…
But by the end of January, just 1.5 weeks of being in the hospital, just 7 months of being diagnosed, we had to move her to hospice…I would remind her daily that “it’s ok…I’ll be fine. You don’t need to fight anymore. I’ll take care of everything and I LOVE YOU!!!” She passed away in her in sleep the night that we moved her to hospice. On February 4th, my world changed and has never been the same.
I know that it’s only 5 months and it’s still so real to me, but being “that” only child, the “strong daughter”, my emotions have been bottled up so I can be strong for everyone else. But tonight, just looking at pictures and seeing her eyes looking back, that wound has been reopened and here I am…crying at my laptop, speaking to strangers and feeling comforted by this…I think my boyfriend would like me to cry more, but he lets me be and knows I’ll have my moments…
I’m not looking for words of comfort or advice. I guess, at this moment, I’m looking for people who understand what it’s like to feel this feeling. A feeling that just might never go away, but that we learn to cope with better day by day…