Hi, Linda...my name is Oby T., and I live in Naperville, IL. I just read your email and I felt that I needed to respond, since yes, this is also my "third time around," as I have had two reoccurrences of ovarian cancer. What has been my "saving grace," is that I finally reached a point where I believed that God was with me all of the time.
My cancer had 'finally' been discovered in July 2000, and after six treatments of chemo, I'd had a year of being what my oncologist called "cancer free," and I'd convinced myself that no, it was NOT going to come back -- ever -- even though he'd told me several times that with ovarian cancer you have to have a minimum of 5 years being "cancer free" to even begin to think of living another 10-15 years.
When I found out that my cancer had come back in January 2002, the oncologist told me, "You only have 1-2 months left," but followed that up by saying, "but we'll try giving you chemotherapy again."
SHOCKED! I was completely shocked for the next two weeks. But then I started praying -- for just one thing -- "acceptance." Acceptance of whatever happened and whenever it happened.
About 3 months later, I was sitting at home one afternoon watching TV, and suddenly I felt as though a piece of very sheer fabric fell over the top of my head and went clear down to my feet -- completely covering my body. Immediately I felt as though God had wrapped me in His embrace and was saying to me, "Oby, you have nothing to be afraid of. I'm here with you. I'll always be here with you," and from that moment on, I haven't been afraid.
The chemotherapy ended the beginning of May, and once again I felt wonderful.
The middle of August 2002 it came back again, however, this time I wasn't upset. I had an attitude with my oncologist of, "All right, what do we do now?" What we did was begin more chemotherapy...a different one this time. We had to try something different because I'd developed neuropathy in my feet (which I still have and will likely always have) and it was also very possible that if we continued the chemo that I'd been taking it would also affect my bones.
So we started Topotecan, and I've been taking it ever since. A good thing is, this treatment only takes a 1/2 hour, whereas with the two times, it took 6-7 hours. I've been taking it every 3rd week...go in Monday through Friday. I also go in for blood tests in the intervening two weeks.
We're now trying something new...instead of going in every third week, we're going to try going in every fourth week, which will give me more time in between to get my strength and energy back. It didn't bother me for a long time...only got a little bit tired. But over the past 3 treatments, I've gotten extremely fatigued.
My friends can't get over how I go, go, go all of the time -- and also maintain such a wonderful upbeat attitude. I always reply, "What's the other choice? Should I sit at home and feel sorry for myself all of the time instead? Nope, that's not me!"
I truly believe that I feel the way I do is because God granted me "acceptance."
You know, in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) we learn how to "Turn things over" to God, and to "Let Go and Let God!" It took me a long time to learn how to do that. In fact, although I'll be celebrating my 10th AA birthday December 13th, it wasn't until a two years ago that I was finally able to do that...and I'm so happy that I did, because so many miracles have happened in life since then.
Even in having cancer -- I have found so many blessings. When you have cancer you learn to value every single second of your life, and to also thank God for each of those seconds.
You know, I didn't realize how much I'd learned in AA until the day that the doctor told me (on the phone!) that I had cancer. When I hung up I went into shock for a few minutes, and then I called my friend, Shirley, to tell her the news. Know what I told her right after that? I said, "Shirley, I KNOW that I am going to learn lessons that I need to learn through this experience. It's a hell of a way to learn lessons, but I know that's what's going to happen. And I'm not afraid, because I also know that I'm not going to die during the operation. I'm going to be all right."
And that's exactly what has happened since that time...I have learned so many lessons that I needed to learn, and I have also been blessed so many times. I also continue to learn more and more lessons. And to me, all of the lessons I learn are things that God knows that I need to learn in order for me to grow. I call it "learning wisdom."
Oftentimes in AA people will tell me, "Oby, you are so wise," or, "Oby, you have such wisdom," and I consider that a wonderful compliment...I also know that it is only with God's help that I have grown into the woman I am today.
I truly love myself today. And in learning how to love myself, I have also learned how to trust what some people choose to call, my intuition. But I don't call it my intuition...instead I choose to believe that my 'intuition' is learning how to trust the wisdom of my soul...the soul that each and every one of us has within us. Gosh, our souls have been around for such a long time...and they are so wise...it's wonderful when we are able to finally trust and listen to what our souls have to share with us. (I also believe that are souls are, and have always been, directly connected to God.)
In other words, we've always had our soul inside of us which is directly connected to God -- all we've ever had to do was...reach out and take God's hand. It just takes some of us a lot longer to do that...and unfortunately, some of us are never able to reach that point. Why? Because we think that we have to maintain 'control' of our lives. What a joke! We've never really had control of our lives or anything else. We just fooled ourselves