Hi Nancy,
I understand how you feel. Number 1)You are not helpless. You are a support system for your mother in so many ways. It can be difficult I know. I have been there. I felt helpless at first when my mother was diagnosed with adenocarcinoma of the lungs and was told she had a year or less. I did a lot of research on my own to get myself familiar with her cancer and also spoke to numerous doctors, not just my Moms oncologist, etc. It's always good to speak to other doctors as they might tell you something of importance that another doctor didn't tell you. There is also so much info available online.
I'm sure it was a shock to you to hear that your Mom will pass away, even though her check ups were good. My Moms oncologist was always up front and honest but for a time there I thought he was nuts. My Moms check ups were always good. No noise in the lungs, etc so I thought ok, she's doing fine and the Doc was wrong about her prognosis. The thing is, I at first did not hear what I was being told. It just did not compute. To me there was no way this cancer was going to take my Mom away and it's a good thought, but it distorts your way of thinking. So then when it hits you that your loved one is going to pass away, it hits hard and then the feeling of helplessness sets in. You are not helpless!!! Do not think that. Instead of kicking yourself over what you can't do, think about what you CAN do and do it.
When my Mom took her turn for the worse, it went quickly. 5 weeks prior to her death, she was up and around doing things. Tired of course from the chemo and radiation but she was up. She was then bedridden for the rest of her time. She stopped eating because her kidneys were shutting down and her body did not need food, but she did drink water. The last week of her life, she was in so much pain from her kidneys that she was put on a morphine drip. This was done at home. We had Hospice too. God bless those people. They were wonderful. The last week was very difficult for me. Prior to the morphine drip, we made sure we said what we wanted to say because we knew once the morphine was started, she would never open her eyes or speak again because she would be getting a high dose. The night of her death, she actually moaned in pain and I lost it. To be on such a high dose of morphine and come through the effects of the drug the way she did said she was in intense pain. I can't imagine the pain of kidneys shutting down but I have been told it can be excruciating. I called the hospice nurse and she talked me through the steps to up the morphine drip. Her breath sounds were wispy for the last few days and she only took about 3-4 breaths per minute. It was heart breaking for me to see her that way as I thought I was well prepared to handle this. There is no way to fully prepare for what you will feel. But don't let your feelings of helplessness take over. The remaining time your mother has is precious. Make the most of it. My Mom and I did.
I stayed with my Mom for the last 6 months of her life. We did so much. Heart to heart talks, shared secrets, laughed, cried, complained, etc. Just me being there was the greatest help of all she told me. I hope you find peace with this. It was hard to let my mother go, but I am a firm believer in God and Heaven and I know that my Mom is better now. What better place to be than with God. No more cancer, a head full of hair, no worries, pain, suffering, etc and me knowing that someday I will see her again and she won't be sick. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Michaelle