My spouse is dealing with a recurrence of Hodgkin's lymphoma. Her first bout was in 1998; she has been dealing with the recurrence since December '04. She finished 6 rounds of ABVD in February '06, but it didn't work. She is now doing 2 rounds of ICE in hopes that she will be a candidate for high dose chemo with autologous stem cell transplant.
There are various stresses in my life as a caregiver, but undoubtedly the hardest is the fact that this disease has radically exacerbated all the preexisting difficulites in our marriage. We already had imbalances around and disputes about finances and caregiving (I was the primary financial and emotional supporter before)--needless to say these are much worse now. Ny partner tends to go bananas if I ask for any tenderness or care even on her "good" days, but I feel that without a little bit of reciprocity here and there, we don't have a partnership at all--I feel like an unpaid nurse instead.
My partner has never been good at expressing feelings or tolerating my doing so. It was something we worked on in couples' therapy. But now that she is petrified, she is much more shut down. The only emotion she has easy access to is anger--and guess who it gets directed at? I feel so sad and so lonely. I want to be a good support person, but feel that the emotional burden is well-nigh unbearable.
I know lots of marriages go through tough times during cancer treatment, but the image we're presented is that of families pulling together in love. I feel like a failure because this is not happening in my home. Any words of empathy or wisdom?