The feeling of pulling away is a normal thing; you can only stand so much emotional pain at one time for your spouse. Don't stay there, move back toward him and accept the ups and downs as part of your life. Get professional oncology counseling, many of us do, it helps. You need friends, family, and a counselor to support you. Think about how you will feel about your decisions in ten years, make the ones now that leaves no regrets, even if it is difficult. My prayers are with you.