CancerCompass message board discussion started by Sweetsteffers04 on 4/19/2007 http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,11426,0.htm Sun, 07 Sep 2008 00:00:00 GMT Sun, 07 Sep 2008 00:00:00 GMT http://backend.userland.com/rss RSS.NET: http://www.rssdotnet.com/ My boyfriend who i loved very much and was also my best friend died about a month ago. He was only 21. We lived together in a small townhouse and went to college together in a small college town. I now live alone, and most of my friends aren't being that supportive. They seemed to care a little bit at first, but now they have all went back to their normal lives. They know i'm hurting, but i just consider them lost causes as friends because they would be here for me if they were my true friends, and i don't think i should even have to ask them, but i never made that many good friends here in the first place. I was mostly here to live with my boyfriend. We were together 4 years and i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I feel so alone. I tried to get into group therapy at the hospice, but they told me that i can't join till summer session because they already started about a week ago. I've tried regular therapy, but it doesn't seem to work for me. I seem to get nothing out of it, that is why i wanted to join group therapy because i though having others around that went through the same thing would help. I spend every day alone in this house with all the memories we made here. I don't know what to do anymore. I am so lost without him. My whole life is going to be different now and i don't know if i can handle that. Sweetsteffers04 Thu, 19 Apr 2007 00:00:00 GMT I'm really sorry to hear about your situation!  Do you have family, parents, that you can live with til you can get into the group therapy and work through this?  Are you still in college? That would give you a purpose and some direction.  What I think you have to remember is that your boyfriend wouldn't want you to give up on life. He would want you to grieve, but then to heal and move on.  I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer last summer, and I am really fighting this and doing well.  But I've told my husband that if I don't overcome it, I don't want him to be alone for the rest of his life.  I'd want him to find someone else to share his life with and to be happy.  He wouldn't be replacing me, but he'd have a different relationship that would make him happy. I love him too much to know that he'd be alone and devastated!  I'm sure that if your boyfriend really loved you, as I'm sure he did, that this is what he would want too!  You are so young. (I could be your mother!) What seems hopeless now won't seem that way one day.  You have so many wonderful years ahead of you...don't give up, o.k.?!  I know that friends aren't always what they seem, but all you need are one or two good friends in your life to make a difference.  How about a sister?  My sister has been my angel through this!  Please let me know how you are doing. I really care!  Karen Kbookcat8 Thu, 19 Apr 2007 00:00:00 GMT I am so sorry to hear of your loss.  You have to tell your friends that you need them, I don't think they know how you really feel, and sometimes friends can help a lot more than family.  I am going through a lot right now myself, my boyfriend, who is also my best friend was diagnosed with renal cell carcinoma stage 4 he tried treatment and had an allergic reaction and now doesn't want to try anything else.  It feels like he's giving up and there's nothing I can do.  I just moved 1300 miles away from my family and friends to be with him and help him in any way that I can but it is so hard and I feel completely alone as well.  Maybe we can help each other Cindy611 Fri, 20 Apr 2007 00:00:00 GMT You may think your alone but God is with you. He knows how you feel and he alone can give you the strength to overcome. Seek peace in Him the peace that passes all understanding. Do not let your heart be troubled neither let it be afraid. Get a good biblical book on grief with scriptures to memorize it will help I promise. In Christ LovePatti Patti a Fri, 20 Apr 2007 00:00:00 GMT Hi  My name is judy i lost my sister last summer she had stomach cancer.  She wa also my best friend in the whole world we told each other everything.  It is very hard i am living proof of that it has been almost 8 months every body griefs in there own way and time.  I am so sorry for your loss.  But if you need to talk my e-mail is --- Message edited by CancerCompass staff: for personal protection, email address removed.  Please review CancerCompass Member Guidelines at http://www.cancercompass.com/common/guidelines.html ---- . You canleave me a message  and i will get back to you .                                                         Judy Judyb Sun, 22 Apr 2007 00:00:00 GMT Hi Cindy, It's nice to hear from someone that's going through the same things.  I feel like a boyfriend or husband is so different that losing someone else close to you, and its hard for me to relate to someone who is going through losing their mom or sister or something like that.  It's hard when they give up.  I remember when russell (my boyfriend) wanted to just stop eating and die as soon as possible once he found out their was nothing left he could do.  It was hard to deal with that because I wanted as much time as i could have with him before he died.  And it's hard because you don't know how to respond to that or help them cope with the thought of death.  I felt like there was almost nothing i could say that would make him not as scared as he was before he died.  Have you tried talking to him about it??  Although it is not at all like suicide it might be helpful to tell him the same thing they tell people that have tried to commit suicide..."that it doesn't just hurt them, but everyone around him."  And maybe you can try to persuade him that if he really did care and love you he would fight this so that you wouldn't have to be alone.  I know that the day russell told me he was dying (even though i already knew) he was so scared about telling me and how i was going to take it that he didn't even really seem to take it in himself because he was so preoccupied with my feelings.  And your boyfriend probably feels the same way about you especially after he's seen all the sacrifices you have done for him (like moving).  I know i gave up a lot to be in this relationship with russell, but i would do it all again a heartbeat because it was the best relationship i ever had.  I also think that guys fall more in love with you after they see how much you are willing to sacrifice for them as well.  Russell told me later that they first time he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me was when i came and stayed the first week in the hospital (day and night) with him when he was first diagnosed, which was about 3 years ago.It would be nice to have someone to talk to about all of this because i feel like no one around me knows how hard it is, even his family at times because they didn't even see him everyday like i did and it's hard to be all alone now everyday, but everyone else in his family has a significant other to go to when they need someone to hold them or talk to about it.  Plus if you boyfriend does still refuse to do treatments, i can help you along the way when it gets closer to the end to let you know what may happen...but i do hope he changed his mind.  I wish that no one had to go through what i went through, its to hard... stef Sweetsteffers04 Mon, 23 Apr 2007 00:00:00 GMT Hi not completely alone........Your never alone, there is always someone out there that has experienced the same thing...loosing someone they love and don't think they can go on.  I pray that you wake up every morning with a little more hope for a better tomorrow.  Your boyfriend will always be with you in your heart.  Please pray to God for help, strength, and the ability to go on.  And just talk out loud to him, your boyfriend..it works.  Do you not have support from your family or his family?  I'm sorry you feel all alone but I do know it will get better.  Don't be too mad at your friends, it is very difficult for some people to handle death and if your in a college town then they are trying to get back to their schedules.  I know it seems cold especially since you are the one going through the unthinkable pain but life does go on and I don't want you to cut your friends off.  Stay strong and get out of your house and walk or go to church there is a lot of suport at a lot of churches Good luck sweetieBenitaOn 4/19/2007 Sweetsteffers04 wrote:My boyfriend who i loved very much and was also my best friend died about a month ago. He was only 21. We lived together in a small townhouse and went to college together in a small college town. I now live alone, and most of my friends aren't being that supportive. They seemed to care a little bit at first, but now they have all went back to their normal lives. They know i'm hurting, but i just consider them lost causes as friends because they would be here for me if they were my true friends, and i don't think i should even have to ask them, but i never made that many good friends here in the first place. I was mostly here to live with my boyfriend. We were together 4 years and i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I feel so alone. I tried to get into group therapy at the hospice, but they told me that i can't join till summer session because they already started about a week ago. I've tried regular therapy, but it doesn't seem to work for me. I seem to get nothing out of it, that is why i wanted to join group therapy because i though having others around that went through the same thing would help. I spend every day alone in this house with all the memories we made here. I don't know what to do anymore. I am so lost without him. My whole life is going to be different now and i don't know if i can handle that.  Benita p Wed, 02 May 2007 00:00:00 GMT There is no easy answer.  Time.  It's very hard.  Love is everything.  When it is lost, we are left with nothing.  But time.  Just put one foot in front of the other, every single day.  Do what you must to make it through, and then one day, the pain becomes familiar, almost like a friend.  Then you start to grow and learn again.  I am out here with you.  Terri - fied Wed, 03 Oct 2007 00:00:00 GMT