CancerCompass message board discussion started by Brandon-cg on 5/16/2007 http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,12135,0.htm Sat, 11 Oct 2008 00:00:00 GMT Sat, 11 Oct 2008 00:00:00 GMT http://backend.userland.com/rss RSS.NET: http://www.rssdotnet.com/ Hi, I am 34, my wife 32 was diagnosed with a brain tumor in February of this year. We have been through a lot, still going through quite a bit. While she is doing quite well with radiation and chemotherapy treatments, this has totally turned our worlds inside out. I am exhausted by it all. I have no alone time for myself, its been work, then home to take care of all the normal things 2 people might share. Plus, I get so little space to myself because my wife is always at home now resting most of the time. She is also understandably more emotionally needy. Believe me, I have been doing everything I should and can do for her, for the situation as a whole. Ive tried excepting help when offered, I have talked to my doctor who gave me Ativan to take at night to help me relax and fall asleep. To be careful I don't get addicted, I cut my pills in half, taking only 1-mg per night. I usually sleep well but I still feel exhausted. My doctor said that therapy really wouldn't help me because there is no fixable problem with all of this, its just something that I have to cope the best I can with. Im not so sure and Im wondering if anyone has any insight on this. Has anyone had some talk therapy, counciling, etc....? My guy friends are not much help, and to be honest neither is my family. They all mean well, but I have some real monkeys on my back that I need to talk about. Anyone else? Brandon-cg Wed, 16 May 2007 00:00:00 GMT Hi. I am so sorry to hear about your wife's cancer. My thoughts go out to her, you, and your family. I  also went on Ativan when my Dad was diagnosed with metastatic bladder cancer in January. Just a little something to help with the anxiety. As to counseling, by all means get some if you want. Your local hoispital should offer some counsleing for family members/caregivers of cancer patients. You may want to check either their website or the American Cancer SOciety's website. I thought about going to some sort of group therapy after my Dad passed away in March, though I still haven't done so. Denial is stopping me at this point. In order to really be there for your wife you need to be in good mental health. That means taking care of yourself. You will be no good for anyone else if you are a wreck. Check out local group counseling and by all means go to a meeting. You will be able to share your feelings with other people in the same horrible predicament as you find yourself in, and be able to voice some hard to say feelings without feeling guilty. Please find the strength to get stsrong yourself so you can be strong for your wife. She is in the fight of her life and will need you to be there for her to help her along the way. Best wishes to you. Kathie B Suter  Kathieb Thu, 17 May 2007 00:00:00 GMT  On 5/16/2007 Brandon-cg wrote:Hi, I am 34, my wife 32 was diagnosed with a brain tumor in February of this year. We have been through a lot, still going through quite a bit. While she is doing quite well with radiation and chemotherapy treatments, this has totally turned our worlds inside out. I am exhausted by it all. I have no alone time for myself, its been work, then home to take care of all the normal things 2 people might share. Plus, I get so little space to myself because my wife is always at home now resting most of the time. She is also understandably more emotionally needy. Believe me, I have been doing everything I should and can do for her, for the situation as a whole. Ive tried excepting help when offered, I have talked to my doctor who gave me Ativan to take at night to help me relax and fall asleep. To be careful I don't get addicted, I cut my pills in half, taking only 1-mg per night. I usually sleep well but I still feel exhausted. My doctor said that therapy really wouldn't help me because there is no fixable problem with all of this, its just something that I have to cope the best I can with. Im not so sure and Im wondering if anyone has any insight on this. Has anyone had some talk therapy, counciling, etc....? My guy friends are not much help, and to be honest neither is my family. They all mean well, but I have some real monkeys on my back that I need to talk about. Anyone else?I know just what you are talking about - the exhaustion.  First you have the disbelief that it is happening at all and that you will wake up and everything will be normal.  You are such a young family to be going thru this.  It makes me sad.  My husband has stage 4GBM and he is 62.  He has a 3rd surgery tomorrow where they will insert a balloon in his head and in a few weeks he will have radiated gas poured into the balloon for 5 days.  I think the doctors just try everything they know to do but I feel like the inevitable will happen anyways...it's just a matter of time.  I just don't want my husband to suffer.  There has been one crisis after the other and I have to work full time or we don't eat.  He's already getting leave without pay right now and I am frantic to try to pay the mortgage.  I know if must be way more difficult for a young family to cope with.  Life is so unfair.  Just keep on keeping on...that's all we can do.  There are only a few of us out here going thru this and we all know how horrid it is.  Take care of YOU first of all and try to get some rest.  Hotflash Thu, 17 May 2007 00:00:00 GMT Hi, I'm very sorry about your wife.  My husband was about the same age when we discovered he had a brain tumor.  We have been fighting this for over 20 years.  In one sense, I'm thankful I still have him but you are right--it's totally exhausting.  I have been going to counseling and to be frank it does not help the problem you and I are facing.  The truth of the matter is the buck stops with you.  Friends drift away and everyone seems busy with their own problems.  The latest surgery Bob had was right before Thanksgiving 2006 and it has left him unable to say words so that they can be comprehended, and he is also very weak on right side, so he falls a lot.  The battle everyday to understand him is so frustrating for him and me.  He has had a lot of therapy to no avail.  Believe me I have searched everywhere for help and the only thing I can come up with is out-of-pocket care.  If I get someone to come in with him, I have to leave my home.  There is no down time for yourself.  Do get someone to come in about every 3 months for a couple of days so you can go away to relax for a couple days.  That does help; at least you have time to think and regroup.  It is very cruel when this happens to someone as young as you.  You have my best wishes and thoughts.  I wish you the best.  Diane Diane623 Thu, 17 May 2007 00:00:00 GMT i am sorry about your wifes diagnosis and the whole cancer situation. my daughter who is 17 now was diagosed with hodgekins disease in august 05.   i was so emotionally drained, the ativans could not even help myanxiety.   -i wasa taking clonopan and zanax to help me sleep. i know this  is a curve ball in your life, -you will get through this and even though your dr, felt therapy would not help you it may just help you to vent out your feelings to a stranger. -I always needed to speak to others  but it washard, I was depressed and still to this day worry about her all the time,- -------the --d-rs-,-- -w-a-n-te-d- -me- -to go on an antidepressan-t but did not.- i know-- many others in your situstion who have done that it also madfe them feel calmer.    Your wife  will get stronger and will not be so needy . hang in there and be positive.   It does get easier but the nights are the worst times for me, My mind gets going .this will pass and so will the cancer/ How is she dealing with the chemo/   do you have AANY KIDS?         Please e mail me anytime. you can alway talk to me, i had 8 months of hell. she had 6 rounds of chemo and then 5 weeks of radiation.      hang in there and it isok to cry,     take care    jayne Jay Jay Thu, 17 May 2007 00:00:00 GMT I strongly disagree with your doctor about seeing a therapist.  Often the issues for which one would see a therapist are not "fixable", but, gee, you really need someone to talk with and to be able to vent your frustration.  These feelings are not selfish; you have to stay emotionally and physically healthy to take care of your wife.  Please, take care of yourself.Susan Sengle428 Thu, 17 May 2007 00:00:00 GMT Hello, your wife is certainly going thru a lot & as her caregiver & supporter you are also certainly going thru a lot yourself. This is not an easy time for you and you need some help. Take a look at the www.emofree.com website and see if there is an EFT practitioner near you. EFT (emotional freedon technique) is an amazing practice which helps restore the flow of energy in the body by tapping on certain meridians of the body (as in acupuncture but without needles). I find it much more useful than any type of therapy. You sound like you need to regain your energy and a good feeling about yourself which may be waning because of your fatique....I cared for my aging Father years ago and really suffered. I thought I was going crazy....really, EFT could have helped me then but I didn't know about it. The amazing thing about EFT is that you can see/have result very quickly. It will help you, I am certain. In addition, once you have mastered this dead simple technique you can ddo it with your wife and help her.....All the best to you and courage.. this is certainly a tough time to be going thru & a tough thing to have to go thru...Isabelle     --- Message edited by CancerCompass staff: for personal protection, email address removed.  Please review CancerCompass Member Guidelines at http://www.cancercompass.com/common/guidelines.html ---- Isabelle Thu, 17 May 2007 00:00:00 GMT  On 5/16/2007 Brandon-cg wrote:Hi, I am 34, my wife 32 was diagnosed with a brain tumor in February of this year. We have been through a lot, still going through quite a bit. While she is doing quite well with radiation and chemotherapy treatments, this has totally turned our worlds inside out. I am exhausted by it all. I have no alone time for myself, its been work, then home to take care of all the normal things 2 people might share. Plus, I get so little space to myself because my wife is always at home now resting most of the time. She is also understandably more emotionally needy. Believe me, I have been doing everything I should and can do for her, for the situation as a whole. Ive tried excepting help when offered, I have talked to my doctor who gave me Ativan to take at night to help me relax and fall asleep. To be careful I don't get addicted, I cut my pills in half, taking only 1-mg per night. I usually sleep well but I still feel exhausted. My doctor said that therapy really wouldn't help me because there is no fixable problem with all of this, its just something that I have to cope the best I can with. Im not so sure and Im wondering if anyone has any insight on this. Has anyone had some talk therapy, counciling, etc....? My guy friends are not much help, and to be honest neither is my family. They all mean well, but I have some real monkeys on my back that I need to talk about. Anyone else?Hi, I too am sorry to hear about your situation but hang in there!  I was diagnosed with stage III breast cancer at age 33 been through everything.  I am also a nurse and I facilitate a support group for breast cancer survivors but because of the need of the spouses I am starting one in July for caregivers.  First of all I want to commend you on your dedication and your support you give to your wife, we as survivors, truly appreciate what you do for us but sometimes we are just too sick and exhausted from fighting our illness.  It is actually harder for you because you are helpless you can't fix it, and you lost your partner, temporarily, and it's frustrating and as you describe exhausting too.  Ask family and friends to help they too want to help but don't know how to so give them direction they will be receptive you'll see and it will give you a much needed break.  Take time for yourself a walk, a drive whatever you enjoy to do, and please don't feel quilty for living your life too survivors don't want to be a burden and if you are still having fun and doing your thing your wife will feel like she hasn't destroyed your life.  I could go on and on but what I will do is pray for you and your family and best wishes throughout your journey.  God Bless, Leslie Livinglife Thu, 17 May 2007 00:00:00 GMT im so sorry to hear about your wife,my husband has bladder cancer and it took its toll on me ,from worrying to fear to anger you name i felt it ,i felt like i was gonna loose my mind i was tired and had little energy to take care of everyday life things did it but it was hard ,what i found worked for me was al-anon not aa where you can just sit i know its for adults of alcoholic parents or partners but it just worked i could just chill for a hour once a week and it helped me get through the week and it took to edge of of my anger and anxiety what a diffrence it has made thearapy did not help me cause they seem to always wanna push meds to get you through ,i dont feel meds will help cause you cant stay on them forever  and the problems are always still there where al-anon you just hang and talk if you want or you dont have to no pressure hope this helps its what worked for me figured i would share . Shilowmyangel Thu, 17 May 2007 00:00:00 GMT hi sorry about your wife, i too have the stress ,worry, madness for tit happening to us, my bsby boy is 29 hes ahd 26 surgerys from birth born with bladder extrophy, a surgery he had at age 4       years old caused this wwere dealing with today, he has colon cancer 4th stage as well as germ cancer inliver and lung, weve here at medothist hospital in h ouston for 45days when they told us he had cancer i said no way hes been thurgh to much but here we are,  and i pray very hard allday and night and ill pray for you and your wife also. i know were not supose to ask why but i do dont you. im by my sons side day and night we havent sleep a good two hours in over 2months but i cant leave him hes my baby, and i watch other patients without family here they dont get the care they need. so pray and believe and GOD WILL  see us thru these hard times. now my son has had 2 rounds of 5 day kemo and 1 each week, we still cant go home cause he cant stand his little legs are like toothpicks and his legs cramp allday and night,  if you need to talk email me well discuss our cancers and try to help each other. as for a therphy helping i find friends or people i never met hevp me more i dont like phycs. god bless hope to hear from you. brians mom god bless--- Message edited by CancerCompass staff: for personal protection, email address removed.  Please review CancerCompass Member Guidelines at http://www.cancercompass.com/common/guidelines.html ---- Crazyworried Thu, 17 May 2007 00:00:00 GMT  On 5/16/2007 Brandon-cg wrote:Hi, I am 34, my wife 32 was diagnosed with a brain tumor in February of this year. We have been through a lot, still going through quite a bit. While she is doing quite well with radiation and chemotherapy treatments, this has totally turned our worlds inside out. I am exhausted by it all. I have no alone time for myself, its been work, then home to take care of all the normal things 2 people might share. Plus, I get so little space to myself because my wife is always at home now resting most of the time. She is also understandably more emotionally needy. Believe me, I have been doing everything I should and can do for her, for the situation as a whole. Ive tried excepting help when offered, I have talked to my doctor who gave me Ativan to take at night to help me relax and fall asleep. To be careful I don't get addicted, I cut my pills in half, taking only 1-mg per night. I usually sleep well but I still feel exhausted. My doctor said that therapy really wouldn't help me because there is no fixable problem with all of this, its just something that I have to cope the best I can with. Im not so sure and Im wondering if anyone has any insight on this. Has anyone had some talk therapy, counciling, etc....? My guy friends are not much help, and to be honest neither is my family. They all mean well, but I have some real monkeys on my back that I need to talk about. Anyone else?Hi, I am a cancer survivor of 61/2 years. I am actually going to talk to a divorce attorney next week, as my husband has so gone off the rails. After my diagnosis, he decided "I wasn't interested," so he started finding other partners. Tried to do this is 2003, but drs. thought my cancer had come back(thank God they were wrong!) My point is that the only way I could get through all this crazy stuff was to write in a journal. Is there a support group for caregivers at the hospital your wife goes to? Yes, "it's not fixable," but your feelings are valid and your burden is heavy. The American Cancer Society might have some resources. If your wife goes to the Cancer centers of America, ask there if they know of any support groups. I saw a Christan councelor for 6 sessions to get the courage to deal with my life. Just because your doctor says therapy wouldn't help doesn't make it so. He/she may not realize that sometimes people just need better coping skills, even if problems "can't be fixed". Good luck. Just realize you're not the only one going through all this. Maybe you might find others in your boat just be taling to others wating for appointments with spouces. Your wife is awfully lucky that you are there for her. You need to help yourself to keep being strong for her. good Luck! Hang in there! Michelle W. Thu, 17 May 2007 00:00:00 GMT Thank you, thank you to every one who responded. I can't thank you enough for the reassurance that I am doing the best I can. My doctor means well, but I agree with all of you and my gut, that some one to talk with will help in some way. It's so helpful to get some perspective that what I am feeling is not so unique, that there are some solutions and some realities that come with this territory. To all who shared their stories, my thoughts are with you. bk Brandon-cg Thu, 17 May 2007 00:00:00 GMT  On 5/17/2007 Michelle W. wrote: On 5/16/2007 Brandon-cg wrote:Hi, I am 34, my wife 32 was diagnosed with a brain tumor in February of this year. We have been through a lot, still going through quite a bit. While she is doing quite well with radiation and chemotherapy treatments, this has totally turned our worlds inside out. I am exhausted by it all. I have no alone time for myself, its been work, then home to take care of all the normal things 2 people might share. Plus, I get so little space to myself because my wife is always at home now resting most of the time. She is also understandably more emotionally needy. Believe me, I have been doing everything I should and can do for her, for the situation as a whole. Ive tried excepting help when offered, I have talked to my doctor who gave me Ativan to take at night to help me relax and fall asleep. To be careful I don't get addicted, I cut my pills in half, taking only 1-mg per night. I usually sleep well but I still feel exhausted. My doctor said that therapy really wouldn't help me because there is no fixable problem with all of this, its just something that I have to cope the best I can with. Im not so sure and Im wondering if anyone has any insight on this. Has anyone had some talk therapy, counciling, etc....? My guy friends are not much help, and to be honest neither is my family. They all mean well, but I have some real monkeys on my back that I need to talk about. Anyone else?Hi, I am a cancer survivor of 61/2 years. I am actually going to talk to a divorce attorney next week, as my husband has so gone off the rails. After my diagnosis, he decided "I wasn't interested," so he started finding other partners. Tried to do this is 2003, but drs. thought my cancer had come back(thank God they were wrong!) My point is that the only way I could get through all this crazy stuff was to write in a journal. Is there a support group for caregivers at the hospital your wife goes to? Yes, "it's not fixable," but your feelings are valid and your burden is heavy. The American Cancer Society might have some resources. If your wife goes to the Cancer centers of America, ask there if they know of any support groups. I saw a Christan councelor for 6 sessions to get the courage to deal with my life. Just because your doctor says therapy wouldn't help doesn't make it so. He/she may not realize that sometimes people just need better coping skills, even if problems "can't be fixed". Good luck. Just realize you're not the only one going through all this. Maybe you might find others in your boat just be taling to others wating for appointments with spouces. Your wife is awfully lucky that you are there for her. You need to help yourself to keep being strong for her. good Luck! Hang in there!  August Z. Fri, 18 May 2007 00:00:00 GMT  On 5/16/2007 Brandon-cg wrote:Hi, I am 34, my wife 32 was diagnosed with a brain tumor in February of this year. We have been through a lot, still going through quite a bit. While she is doing quite well with radiation and chemotherapy treatments, this has totally turned our worlds inside out. I am exhausted by it all. I have no alone time for myself, its been work, then home to take care of all the normal things 2 people might share. Plus, I get so little space to myself because my wife is always at home now resting most of the time. She is also understandably more emotionally needy. Believe me, I have been doing everything I should and can do for her, for the situation as a whole. Ive tried excepting help when offered, I have talked to my doctor who gave me Ativan to take at night to help me relax and fall asleep. To be careful I don't get addicted, I cut my pills in half, taking only 1-mg per night. I usually sleep well but I still feel exhausted. My doctor said that therapy really wouldn't help me because there is no fixable problem with all of this, its just something that I have to cope the best I can with. Im not so sure and Im wondering if anyone has any insight on this. Has anyone had some talk therapy, counciling, etc....? My guy friends are not much help, and to be honest neither is my family. They all mean well, but I have some real monkeys on my back that I need to talk about. Anyone else? Dear BrandonPlease don't feel you are not doing enough or have regrets on how you are feeling.I took care of my  Mom with Dimensia. My Husband lost his battle of 3 years with Lung Cancer (he never smoked). 3 months later, my  Brother moved in with me. He is waiting for a Liver Transplant. I am so very sorry about your wife. I so understand what you are going through. It's not the care we give them that is unbearable, it's not being able to help them with these awful deceases that just tears us apart. Please don't feel bad feeling the way you do. It is so very difficult caring for a sick person, not knowing what their future holds. I will keep you in  my prayers for you to get the strength you need now and in the future.I don't know how, but somehow we all get through this.. Take careAnna  August Z. Fri, 18 May 2007 00:00:00 GMT Hi, I am the 48 year old wife and my husband has Stage IV bladder cancer we have been battling for almost two years.  I would strongly advise you to consider counseling with someone who is familiar with cancer or coping with chronic illness.  I personally have seen a counselor through this trial, and I am professionally a mental health therapist myself.  I also have found that many people benefit from a support group.  Check to see if you have a "Wellness Center" in your community.  They offer many free services and programs, often including support groups for caregivers.  You are young to face all this and it is important you do what feels best for you to care for YOU during this difficult time.  There is hope for a bright future when all the treatments are over, so getting through this trial with good supports can only help in my opinion.  Best wishes!! Marie2 Fri, 18 May 2007 00:00:00 GMT My heart goes out to you and my prayers will be with you. I too am taking care of my mom with stage IV cancer and my father with a recent heart attack and stroke. There are days my body and mind feel numb with tiredness, but you have to remember without YOU keeping yourself healthly you cannot be there to support your wife's needs. It's true there are people who are willing to help, and that's wonderful when it happens, but for the most part you're on your own. Do you have a church family? Faith is what is getting me through this and I pray you will find the answers you need. There may come a point she doesn't remember you, or things around her so cherish each and everyday, as tired as I am and as emotionally drained as I am -- I want to cherish this time as well -- sometimes, most often we aren't given second chances in these situations. God will not give us more than we can handle. Cemona2 Fri, 18 May 2007 00:00:00 GMT  On 5/16/2007 Brandon-cg wrote:Hi, I am 34, my wife 32 was diagnosed with a brain tumor in February of this year. We have been through a lot, still going through quite a bit. While she is doing quite well with radiation and chemotherapy treatments, this has totally turned our worlds inside out. I am exhausted by it all. I have no alone time for myself, its been work, then home to take care of all the normal things 2 people might share. Plus, I get so little space to myself because my wife is always at home now resting most of the time. She is also understandably more emotionally needy. Believe me, I have been doing everything I should and can do for her, for the situation as a whole. Ive tried excepting help when offered, I have talked to my doctor who gave me Ativan to take at night to help me relax and fall asleep. To be careful I don't get addicted, I cut my pills in half, taking only 1-mg per night. I usually sleep well but I still feel exhausted. My doctor said that therapy really wouldn't help me because there is no fixable problem with all of this, its just something that I have to cope the best I can with. Im not so sure and Im wondering if anyone has any insight on this. Has anyone had some talk therapy, counciling, etc....? My guy friends are not much help, and to be honest neither is my family. They all mean well, but I have some real monkeys on my back that I need to talk about. Anyone else?am so sorry to hear of your prdicament. I was horrified how insensitive and uninformed your Dr. is. There are many support groups for you the problem is finding one.  I don't know where you live, but my hospital has a Sharing and Caring suport group for patients and their care givers, perhaps they could refer you to someone in your area. Toll free 1-888-527-8582. Also, Gildas Club has Mens Club and Family Groups. Try gildasclubdetroit@ yahoo.com perhaps they can refer you. The stress of being a caretaker is second only to one who has a disease. There is help out there. Learning Meditation or Visualization can also help, your local hospital may teach it. Don't give up, there is a support group out there for you. Good luck.  KathyI Kayhy Fri, 18 May 2007 00:00:00 GMT Brandon, The other thing I want to say is while it is tragic when cancer hits someone's child or parent, there are issues unique to a husband-wife situation.  When it affects your spouse, you lose your companion, major supporter, and lover.  When I get really down, I reflect on my marriage vows and take solace in the fact that I know I am doing the right thing.  If you believe in a higher power, there is some peace in knowing that God is smiling on you now and there will be a special place for you one day.  Love to you and your wife.  Diane Diane623 Fri, 18 May 2007 00:00:00 GMT Hello Brandon:I am very sorry to hear what you've been through.From my own experience: 1. take a break once a while2. have a faith that will keep you going3. talk to someone you respect     remember that you're a special person, so does your wifeyou have the courage to overcome all of this!     Newmember Fri, 18 May 2007 00:00:00 GMT    Brandon...I am not usually a confrontive person...but I had to respond to you letter....it made me so angry I could spit...As a cancer patient, that has been battling stage 4 metastatic breast cancer, with many reoccurances and on going treatment for years just to stay alive to raise my son's...you need to know that this is not about YOU!!!! Get over it...she is your wife....you have no idea what she is going through, until you yourself have had cancer and treatments...You complain about being tired....dear God, do you know what your wife has had to endure??? And you have little time to yourself..., you would have plenty of time, if this illness took her life....Do whatever you have to do to help the one you are supposed to love...in sickness and in health...get therapy..take pills, whatever it takes...for you to be a man and stop complaining...I have found there is a certain percentage of men....that just do not get it...If you were sick, your wife would be there taking care of you, as most women would....she would not be thinking of her discomfort....so, stop,this whinning about yourself...take care of your wife,and all the things that need to be done....try your best to keep burdons off of her..and pray that this is only a small period of your life and your wife will be well...to continue this journey called life.......A long time cancer patient  Babysteps4me Sat, 19 May 2007 00:00:00 GMT I'm very sorry for your wife and you...she's too young.  My husband has GBM IV.  I understand how you feel...and he is still able to work but totally exhausted.  I admire that quality in him.  The cancer patients are battling for their life but we are also on the road with them.  We try to give our loved ones all the emotional support and leave little for ourselves.  You are supporting your wife and have nothing to feel guilty about needing some time for yourself.  During radiation I had to leave two nights because I felt if I didn't get a break I wasn't going to be any support the next day, I slept in the car under the carport!  All of our lives are turned upside down.  I was at the c-store yesterday and a wife of a lung cancer victim (we were at radiation together) was buying a 6 pack of beer for herself at 9:00 in the morning.  She is a business woman and not a usual drinker.  Her husband is very depressed, for good reason, but that day she was exhausted.  We all pray, we all give to our loved ones but you have to take care of you too.   We all wish that our loved ones weren't going through this and we know they can't "get away from it".  Our small town offers no cancer support group.  This has become my support group.Katy    Katy141 Sat, 19 May 2007 00:00:00 GMT Hi!  My mom has breast cancer and my husband has chronic arthritis so bad he hasn't worked for about 10 years.  I was so exausted but not sleeping well in spite of exaustion.  It's like when you are overtired you can't sleep.  I went to a very sweet communicative P.A. (physicians assistant) and told her about my life and she put me on Prozac 10 mg. and then went up to 20 mg.  after a couple of weeks and I am feeling so much better, and sleeping at night and am able to cope with all the sick people in my life.  I am a nurse who works full time, so that is a lot of sick people.  I recommend anti-depressants for caregivers.  It is great for the short term difficult experiences...it gives you the power to cope and not be so down about how your life is now..  I am laughing again, and have my sense of humor back.  I still have to do everything for everybody, but I can smile while I do it.  You can too, get some help.  You may only need it short term to get you through this hardest time.  Laurainutah Sun, 20 May 2007 00:00:00 GMT Brandon,my wife also has brain cancer. there is no easy or simple solutions.Some advise, be specific with the help you need from people, they offer help but dont know what to do. Tell them what you need. If you need time then tell them I need an afternoon or whatever.Try a support group for caregivers, mind you i have not done this but it sounds to me like you could benefit from it, you are not alone. Are you religious or not, for me much of my strength comes from my faith.lastly, and this might sound harsh, devote yourself fully to her, she is going through an unimaginable journey and only since feb. My wife has glioblastoma for one year now and she is very tough but i have sucked up a lot of fatigue and stress. You must take care of yourself if you are to be of use to her, be pragmatic and get the help you need, trust me i know what you are going through, its a rollercoaster ride and every day is different but i have learned from the experience so far and from my wife to cherish every day and live as hard as you can, none of us are gaurunteed tomorrow, let me know your thoughts, Ill keep you and your wife oin my prayers, Peace,  Carl     Snowflakes Tue, 22 May 2007 00:00:00 GMT  On 5/19/2007 Babysteps4me wrote:   Brandon...I am not usually a confrontive person...but I had to respond to you letter....it made me so angry I could spit...As a cancer patient, that has been battling stage 4 metastatic breast cancer, with many reoccurances and on going treatment for years just to stay alive to raise my son's...you need to know that this is not about YOU!!!! Get over it...she is your wife....you have no idea what she is going through, until you yourself have had cancer and treatments...You complain about being tired....dear God, do you know what your wife has had to endure??? And you have little time to yourself..., you would have plenty of time, if this illness took her life....Do whatever you have to do to help the one you are supposed to love...in sickness and in health...get therapy..take pills, whatever it takes...for you to be a man and stop complaining...I have found there is a certain percentage of men....that just do not get it...If you were sick, your wife would be there taking care of you, as most women would....she would not be thinking of her discomfort....so, stop,this whinning about yourself...take care of your wife,and all the things that need to be done....try your best to keep burdons off of her..and pray that this is only a small period of your life and your wife will be well...to continue this journey called life.......A long time cancer patient   Snowflakes Tue, 22 May 2007 00:00:00 GMT  On 5/19/2007 Babysteps4me wrote:   Brandon...I am not usually a confrontive person...but I had to respond to you letter....it made me so angry I could spit...As a cancer patient, that has been battling stage 4 metastatic breast cancer, with many reoccurances and on going treatment for years just to stay alive to raise my son's...you need to know that this is not about YOU!!!! Get over it...she is your wife....you have no idea what she is going through, until you yourself have had cancer and treatments...You complain about being tired....dear God, do you know what your wife has had to endure??? And you have little time to yourself..., you would have plenty of time, if this illness took her life....Do whatever you have to do to help the one you are supposed to love...in sickness and in health...get therapy..take pills, whatever it takes...for you to be a man and stop complaining...I have found there is a certain percentage of men....that just do not get it...If you were sick, your wife would be there taking care of you, as most women would....she would not be thinking of her discomfort....so, stop,this whinning about yourself...take care of your wife,and all the things that need to be done....try your best to keep burdons off of her..and pray that this is only a small period of your life and your wife will be well...to continue this journey called life.......A long time cancer patient you said everything I wanted to say, i have brain cancer as well my husband has been great, so i had him respond to the letter instead knowing how upset he was when we first got th dx . Snowflakes Tue, 22 May 2007 00:00:00 GMT As I continue to read the replies that come in from my initial posting to this thread, I feel so much less alone and more and more supported every day. I have made some in roads to getting to talk with a social worker with a great organization called Cancer Family Care here in Cincinnati where we live. I am glad to know that I am not alone in my exhaustion at times, that I am doing the right things. I hear this not only in everyones support on this terrific website, but from the doctors and nurses that my wife and I see every day. Most of all my loving wife tells me how important I am to her and how much I am doing and how whole it makes her feel. I am honored to be her husband, her caregiver and her best friend as we travel this road together. There is no way for anyone to prepare for this in life, you just have to keep on living the best way you know how. Its just very comforting to know that other people have felt this way too, and to hear of what helps them. I hope to be as supportive to others as others need a reassuring voice. I think this website is a wonderful resource. My deepest thanks and best wishes of health and love to you all. Brandon. Brandon-cg Tue, 22 May 2007 00:00:00 GMT Buy her a dog or a cat that she can cuddle up with.  One from the humane society.  Hire someone to be with her while you are gone - two to three times a week.  Take that time to go running or some kind of challenging exercise.It is very important that you keep your mental and physical health up as the caregiver.  But you have to get up and get going!  And stop feeling sorry for yourself, even if you are justified.Another cancer survivor Deborah H. Wed, 23 May 2007 00:00:00 GMT  On 5/19/2007 Babysteps4me wrote:   Brandon...I am not usually a confrontive person...but I had to respond to you letter....it made me so angry I could spit...As a cancer patient, that has been battling stage 4 metastatic breast cancer, with many reoccurances and on going treatment for years just to stay alive to raise my son's...you need to know that this is not about YOU!!!! Get over it...she is your wife....you have no idea what she is going through, until you yourself have had cancer and treatments...You complain about being tired....dear God, do you know what your wife has had to endure??? And you have little time to yourself..., you would have plenty of time, if this illness took her life....Do whatever you have to do to help the one you are supposed to love...in sickness and in health...get therapy..take pills, whatever it takes...for you to be a man and stop complaining...I have found there is a certain percentage of men....that just do not get it...If you were sick, your wife would be there taking care of you, as most women would....she would not be thinking of her discomfort....so, stop,this whinning about yourself...take care of your wife,and all the things that need to be done....try your best to keep burdons off of her..and pray that this is only a small period of your life and your wife will be well...to continue this journey called life.......A long time cancer patient That's really not fair to Brandon. He is seeking help so he can help his wife and be the support she needs without breaking down himself. I have unfortunately been on both sides of this issue. When I was diagnosed with uterine cancer my husband was there for me. He took care of me in ways I never wanted him to, some of the things I needed help with I thought would change any romantic feelings he could ever have for me again, fortuntely I was wrong about that and our life continued. While I was sick I was as worried about him as I was about myself. I made a point to call a friend of his to arrange time out - I gave him my sisters phone number and between the two of them they got him out for breaks and she would "insist" he needed to go and give the two of us our girl time.Now it's my turn to care for him. He has Stage 4 colon cancer - second occurance in 5 months. I recognize some of the feelings he's having when I have to clean him up from a bowel movement or from vomitting. I just tell him he's not getting out of the contract we signed 27 years ago and the oath we took before God "In sickness and in health". He remembers my girl time with my sister and now insists on some sports talk with a buddy or one of his brothers and sends me packing for lunch or dinner with the girls.We talk candidly about how hard this is on us - either as the patient or as the caregiver. It's not a pity party of who has the been given the worst deal in this mess, just a reminder that we're both hurting and scared in our own way and need each other but need breaks too. Memee4816 Sun, 27 May 2007 00:00:00 GMT i  feel for you. i had cancer 2 years ago and my husband had a hard time  taking care of me also.  and just now i asked him what his advice would be for you and he said,  PRAY,,,,if you are a religious man that is the best advice. ask God to give you the strength and also your wife.  go and kiss her and tell her that everything will be ok.  thank Him also for her and for letting you be her husband, i will l pray for both of you. Criss Sun, 27 May 2007 00:00:00 GMT Very sad to hear of your wife's illness.  I, too, am a caregiver.  My mother in law has pancreatic cancer (inoperable, she's in the end stages).  Like you, I've felt the stress of caring for someone who is very ill.  My mother in law lives with me & my family.  Her son, my husband, is helpful but, much like your buddies, pretty useless when it comes to lending me a hand with his mother.  As the mother in law is not very lucid or strong, she needs to be watched 24/7.  So I'm stuck here, a prisoner in my own home.  I feel your pain, as it were, and would be glad to swap sob stories with you.  Best of luck to you & your wife- she's lucky to have you. Caligirl Wed, 30 May 2007 00:00:00 GMT On 5/27/2007 Memee4816 wrote: On 5/19/2007 Babysteps4me wrote:   Brandon...I am not usually a confrontive person...but I had to respond to you letter....it made me so angry I could spit...As a cancer patient, that has been battling stage 4 metastatic breast cancer, with many reoccurances and on going treatment for years just to stay alive to raise my son's...you need to know that this is not about YOU!!!! Get over it...she is your wife....you have no idea what she is going through, until you yourself have had cancer and treatments...You complain about being tired....dear God, do you know what your wife has had to endure??? And you have little time to yourself..., you would have plenty of time, if this illness took her life....Do whatever you have to do to help the one you are supposed to love...in sickness and in health...get therapy..take pills, whatever it takes...for you to be a man and stop complaining...I have found there is a certain percentage of men....that just do not get it...If you were sick, your wife would be there taking care of you, as most women would....she would not be thinking of her discomfort....so, stop,this whinning about yourself...take care of your wife,and all the things that need to be done....try your best to keep burdons off of her..and pray that this is only a small period of your life and your wife will be well...to continue this journey called life.......A long time cancer patient That's really not fair to Brandon. He is seeking help so he can help his wife and be the support she needs without breaking down himself. I have unfortunately been on both sides of this issue. When I was diagnosed with uterine cancer my husband was there for me. He took care of me in ways I never wanted him to, some of the things I needed help with I thought would change any romantic feelings he could ever have for me again, fortuntely I was wrong about that and our life continued. While I was sick I was as worried about him as I was about myself. I made a point to call a friend of his to arrange time out - I gave him my sisters phone number and between the two of them they got him out for breaks and she would "insist" he needed to go and give the two of us our girl time.Now it's my turn to care for him. He has Stage 4 colon cancer - second occurance in 5 months. I recognize some of the feelings he's having when I have to clean him up from a bowel movement or from vomitting. I just tell him he's not getting out of the contract we signed 27 years ago and the oath we took before God "In sickness and in health". He remembers my girl time with my sister and now insists on some sports talk with a buddy or one of his brothers and sends me packing for lunch or dinner with the girls.We talk candidly about how hard this is on us - either as the patient or as the caregiver. It's not a pity party of who has the been given the worst deal in this mess, just a reminder that we're both hurting and scared in our own way and need each other but need breaks too. Thank you Memee4816 for a little support here. The fact that some peoples idea of support is to personally attack others seems counter productive to the spirit of this board. Brandon-cg Thu, 12 Jul 2007 00:00:00 GMT  On 5/17/2007 Brandon-cg wrote:Thank you, thank you to every one who responded. I can't thank you enough for the reassurance that I am doing the best I can. My doctor means well, but I agree with all of you and my gut, that some one to talk with will help in some way. It's so helpful to get some perspective that what I am feeling is not so unique, that there are some solutions and some realities that come with this territory. To all who shared their stories, my thoughts are with you. bkDear Brandon,First, of course, I am heartfully sorry about your situation.  I have been on Cancer Compass for a short time but have never posted in this area.  My 88 year-old father has stage IV tongue cancer so I post at Head and Neck Cancers.Anyhow, you are most certainly dealing with the toughest of tough situations, and we who are not in your shoes cannot tell you what to do.  However, I heard your voice of "help me" in your original post and I would like to add my thoughts to the many others who have written.Doing what feels right to you is the right thing to do.  I have several years of experience with therapy, beginning when a family member attempted suicide, and going through my mother's six-year illness, the exhaustion of my caretaking of her (a privilege I would dearly love to have again, despite the exhaustion), her death, my extended grief, and now my father's cancer.  My father has a very nasty personality, and I have dealt my whole life with that, trying to be a daughter he would be proud of, trying mightily for a satisfying father-daughter relationship.  It is not to be, I guess.  Therapy has been of ongoing help in that respect for me, too.  I am epileptic, and he has been of immense help to me in the management of my seizures, and he visits me when I am of necessity hospitalized.I have found that having an objective person, someone who is non-judgmental of how I am feeling, is an asset beyond jewels.  He and I are a good fit, and have actually become friends over the years.  Of course there are people in the field who are not good, as is true anywhere, but if you should be so fortunate to find a good psychologist, it might well seem like a gift to you.Benefits for me have included:*a safe place to express whatever I am feeling*an hour (or sometimes more) a week that feels like a safe haven*an understanding listener who really cares what I am going through*someone who allows me to take the lead, then he suggests and recommends based on what I have said*a place where I can cry, scream, swear or whatever without feeling that I have to censor the strong emotions I am feeling*a place where I can be absolutely honest about my situation without fear of judgment in any way (this is so very freeing, and it lifts emotional boulders off my shoulders)*someone with professional skill to interpret the meaning of my struggles to me*someone who has the ability to be very helpful with my practical, emotional and, for me, spiritual needs*someone who is able to point me in the direction of other people or resources to helpI can tell you that when I go there, I enter the waiting room and feel as if the rest of the world has disappeared just for a time.  The soft music in the background is comforting.  When M. comes to get me for my appointment I find myself looking forward to sitting down in his comfortable office, which is more like a small living room.  I am always the first to speak, other than the basic preliminaries.  Even "How are you?" is a huge question.  Often it's all that's needed to take me through the hour.  I sit down, relax, sometimes take a deep breath, and just talk.  He is quiet and respectful of what I have to say and how I say it.  He is a listener par excellence.  He remembers from week to week the details of my story, and is able to put pieces together that even I forget.It is really a gentling down of what might have been a horrendous week.  I always feel much better, calmer, more balanced, and more understood and appreciated when I leave his office.  Sometimes I don't even say much, but tell M. that I have the need to just be quiet.  That's all right with him.  He really lets me lead.  If I seem stuck, he might say, "How are you emotionally?"  I know that others have told you that therapy will probably not help you.  I think it depends on your personality, your willingness to open up to someone else, your ability to lay out your situation honestly, and your vulnerability to trusting someone else to grip your hand through this very rocky terrain.For me, therapy has been an absolute godsend, and I don't know what I would have done without it.  I wish you well, and your wife, too, of course.  I would like hearing from you again.  I am writing this on September 2, so I do not know what your situation is now.  But I wish all good things for you and your family.  God's blessings upon you and your wife.Maggie Memah Sun, 02 Sep 2007 00:00:00 GMT