CancerCompass message board discussion started by Alina V. on 1/8/2005 http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,1467,0.htm Sun, 07 Sep 2008 00:00:00 GMT Sun, 07 Sep 2008 00:00:00 GMT http://backend.userland.com/rss RSS.NET: http://www.rssdotnet.com/ Its been 2 years since my Mother was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer and I've been grieving and dreading the inevitable. I felt as if she was handed a "death sentence", from her Oncologist. The doctors and myself tried very hard to save her life but after unsuccessful chemotherapy treatments that didn't work, our hope was diminishing and I felt as if the END was near and Death was waiting with each Dawn of Day. On January 2, 2005, my mother passed away in her sleep. I am an only child and therefore had to make all the funeral arrangements by myself while on the other hand, felt grieve-stricken. Now that its over, I can't focus, sleep, or forget this dreadful haunting nightmarish disease, which took my Mother from me and from this Earth. Is there someone out there who experienced losing a parent and could you please help me cope in advising me on how to move on after this dramatic, tragic, sad experience???? Alina V. Sat, 08 Jan 2005 00:00:00 GMT I am so sorry for your loss, and especially it being your mother. There is no loss greater than a mom. My mother is still alive but has Alzheimer's disease and is only alive in body. Her mind has completely gone and she knows none of her kids. I don't consider her my mother any longer as she is only a shell of who my mom used to be. As for your mom's pancreatic cancer, that is one of the worst cancers out there as far as a death sentence is concerned. My dear best friend was diagnosed at age 41 with pancreatic cancer. She was given 6 months to live and died with 3 months. The doctors told us at that time that pancreatic cancer patients usually passed away within a year. Thank God that you had your mother for 2 years. I know thats not a lot of consolation to you, Alina, as I know how painful it must be for you (and especially your being an only child). My heart and prayers go out to you at this very sad time. I have now been fighting cancer for a few years and last December, 2004, I was given months to live. It is one year later and I am still here. I was so fortunate to celebrate X-mas last year and also this year again. I am doing fine as I write this. I have so much to live for - husband, children and dog and don't want to die but I pray every chance that I get and ask more for strength and guidance in this terrible time. Ask God for faith and strength for you to go on and I can assure you that in time, with faith, your mom's presence in this world and in your life will be a lovely memory for you. Keep the faith and I wish you all the best in the world. Polly57 Mon, 10 Jan 2005 00:00:00 GMT Dear Eileen, First of all, I want to "Thank You", for being the First person to respond to my Message. I was devestated to read about your terminal illness and I am the one who is sorry and sad to learn about your situation and feeling a little numb. My prayers go out to you and your family. What type of Cancer are you suffering from? From your message I can tell you are a very compassionate person and I wish that God have mercy on you and free you from the pain this may cause you. Thank You for your kind words and I will keep the faith and pray for you and for strength to carry on as my Mom would of wanted. God Bless You, Your Family and your Doggy. Alina V. Mon, 10 Jan 2005 00:00:00 GMT Hi Alina, It was so good to hear from you and I am glad that my letter gave you something to be thankful about - your good health and the life that you have right now. I thank you for all your blessings and hope that you will continue to keep in touch and let me know that you are living each day the way that your mom would have wanted. How old are you? Do you have any family at all? My stepdaughter just lost her real mom one year ago. Me, my stepdaughter and her mother were all very close and her mom was in the best of health. Last April she dropped dead of a heart attack and we were all totally numb, as you are, because they were all thinking that I would be the next one to go - never her for sure! But I myself think that God has a plan for every one of us on the face of this earth and we are not to question why things happen. I also just lost my father this past November. He was 92 yrs old and died peacefully in his sleep. Everyone thought I would go before him. That just wasn't the case. I was diagnosed with colon cancer, then it spread to my psoas muscle, next it went to my bones. Right now, it is in sort of a remission, I am guessing, because I am doing fine right now. But with cancer, one just never knows. Alina, take care of yourself, enjoy life and be happy. I know your mom would have wanted this. I have one son; 3 stepchildren and 8 grandchildren; a wonderful husband and a loving dog, and cat. I consider myself very fortunate. Let me know how you are doing and feel free to write at any time. God bless. Polly57 Mon, 10 Jan 2005 00:00:00 GMT My Dad died from complications of a heart attack that he had 10 years ago on Christmas day. He suffered for a month in the hospital before he died. It took years before I was able to think of him without crying. I loved him more than I can put into words. I had a (still have) wonderful husband and my children were 15 and 13 at the time. But I wanted to die. I couldn't take the pain of losing him. Every morning when I woke up, I would curse another day. I eventually went on Prozac for 6 months and it did help a little. I tried therapy but that didn't help because nothing anyone could say, could bring him back and that was the bottom line for me. Anyway, my advise from experience, is that as cliche as it is, time is the only healer. It will take a while but you have to find a way to cope. The other things that helped me is that I believe we well all be together with our loved ones again some day. Also, realize you are not alone. All of us will experience terrible loss in our lives. The joys and sorrows of life are part of the human condition. A year and one half ago I was diagnosed with Stage IV ovarian cancer. I am now 48 years old. I'm currently battling with my second try of chemo. I know my days are numbered. I have good days and bad days and what keeps me going is my gratitude that it is me who has this cancer, not my husband or children. Because of what I went through with my father I know I could not bear to see my husband or children have cancer. Good luck to you and I hope that the days pass as quickly as possible until you notice the sun shining again. Jane Jane S. Tue, 11 Jan 2005 00:00:00 GMT Hi, My prayers are with you. My mom was diagnosed on Nov 29th with pancreatic cancer after an unsuccessful surgery to remove a tumor in her pancreas. We also were given 6 mos to a year to live. My mom is my best friend, my mentor and means the world to me. Needless to say my whole family is devastated. Although we are fighting tooth and nail for the best possible treatments to extend her time here, there is also the thought of her leaving us looming. You are never alone and maybe the strength of strangers can give you hope and faith that we are never handed anything in life that we can't find a way to live through. Your mother will always be with you. The amount of grief is in direct proporation to the love you have for her. So don't try to rush into feeling normal again...that will all take its course in time. Cherish your memories and look for your mother in everything that is beautiful and alive! Please read "Surviving the Loss of a Love." It helped my husband when his mother died. Shari Tue, 11 Jan 2005 00:00:00 GMT Alina, I am so sorry about your Mom. My mother was diagnosed last May with renal cell carcinoma. We had no idea until it has spread to the brain and she began having symptoms. We had hope in the beginning even though the prognosis was grim. After radiation, she got worse and my brother and I had to watch helplessly as the cancer took over, and she seemed to give up. She died in November,the day after we put her in Hospice care. It still is a shock to think that a year ago she was still here and all was well. We were very close and there is a real emptiness in my life now and so many sad reminders. I plan to register for some grief counseling sessions in February held by the Hospice. Maybe this could help you too. Best wishes, Sharon H Maxshar Tue, 11 Jan 2005 00:00:00 GMT Alina, I realized it's been a month since your initial post... I lost my mother 2 years ago to breast cancer. She also went through chemo for 2 years and it was very tough to see her go through the death process. I was very close to her. The first 6 months were the hardest when we lost her. One of the things that's helped me is having a picture of her visible to see her at her best. Also, keeping a journal of letters to her is very theraputic, even though she can't read them, its good to get your feelings and thoughts out on paper. Your local Assembly of God church should have a support group that meets one evening a week. You don't need to be a member there or join their church to attend. It is a free class to anyone who needs help in the loss of a loved one. You can find out about it by calling and asking. We(me and my kids and dad) visit my mom's grave. It's also a good point of contact, so to speak. God has given me stregth, eventhough it is never easy to get through. There will come a time that you're not crying all the time or have heavy grief. Give it time and talking about her helps also. I've not only had to grieve, but also have had to help my oldest son (now 8) get through the grief. We talk about the things we liked about her. Talking to your mom's friends will also help. Ask them to write down favorite memories of her for you, then put them in a memory/scrap book. There is no quick or easy way to get through grief, just give yourself time and take each day to let your out your emotions. Keeping them in will only keep you from getting through the process. A good book is "Grieving the loss of someone you love". It's a daily reading book with short chapters. My father has recently been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and on friday we find out the options he has. It's not easy being the child, but it's great to be there for your parent when they are facing death. God bless you and know that there is a time for everything, and you will make it through this grieving time, Kristen Kristen Tue, 01 Feb 2005 00:00:00 GMT I know exactly what you are going through. I am an only child also and I lost my mother on 12-09-2004. She was diagnosed in 2-02. She was 57 years old when she died and lived with this for almost 3 years. She moved close to me this last April and we had 4 months together before we heard the terrible news that the tumor wasn't reponding any more and then in Nov. she went into hospice and live for 3 weeks and it was so fast but yet she deteriorated so badly that you wouldn't have known her by looking at her. I do alot to preserve her spirit. I am entering a walk to help pancreatic research. I have also had her name assigned to a cancer monument. I sometimes catch myself thinking "oh, I need to call mom." Then it hits hard. I want to ask her questions on what to do when it comes to all her paperwork. It is the hardest and most devastating thing and it is even harder when you are an only child. My mother and I were a team and she was all I had. The most important thing is to talk to people who are going through the same thing because it makes you feel like you aren't so alone anymore. Jodemus Tue, 01 Feb 2005 00:00:00 GMT Tomorrow will be 1 month since Mom's passing. It's hard to believe because it seems like it was yesterday. I took 4 weeks off work and just returned today to the office due to the fact I was running out of days off. I wish I knew more people like us "only child", or that you lived near me so we can talk about this subject. I am the "only one", in my circle of friends who this happened to. Although, people I know said they understand, I don't think they do because their mothers are alive and well. As you said, "It is the hardest and most devastating thing and it is even harder when you are an "only child". The most important thing for me now is to talk to people who are going through the same thing; I joined counseling sponsored by Hospice so that I won't feel like I'm so alone. Alina V. Tue, 01 Feb 2005 00:00:00 GMT My mother had 7 siblings and they all said that they would be there for me but after her death I had one aunt actually send me a bill for $150.00 from something my mother owed her from August! By the way this was 4 days after her funeral. Then she found out that I was upset about it and that in turn upset her so the entire family except for 3 aunts turned on me and blamed me for upsetting my aunt and making her sick. One actually called me to inform me not to call anyone because I would upset them. This aunt that sent me a bill has a daughter that just barrowed $1,000.00 from my mother and of course never paid her back. Maybe I should send her a bill! I know this seems unimportant to you because you don't know this family but my point to this is, how things can go so wrong after this devastating experience and the people who say that they are there for you aren't always there. You have to realize that she is. Even though you can't see her, you know she's there. This happened to me 2 days before christmas and no-one bothered to call me on Christmas to see how I was doing. I sat at my mothers grave and cried. That is where I go when things are really going badly. I think a lot of my family is jealous because my mother left me everything and I am having a house built and all that kind of stuff. They all pretend everything is back to normal now but I know who was really my family and I know that it is their problem. I do understand your feeling of aloneness in this world and I equate it like as if you were always walking across a tightrope but there was a net below you and you knew you were safe so it was so easy to walk across it. Now you go to walk across it and it is so frightening because you know that net isn't there anymore to catch you. You just have to be more cautious now. If you don't mind me asking, "how old are you?" I am 33. I have a son who is 6 and 2 step daughters, 12 & 14. My son sat through everything with me, because I practically lived over at my mothers house. I am glad that you went back to work, because it helps to have something to do. I went back also and it gets your mind off things for a while. You'll never forget her but why would you want to. I bought a curio cabinet and filled it with all her special things. That is nice to have. Not to mention the fact that I have all her furniture and car and that is why I need a bigger house because I could never sell it. Take care and keep writing. It helps me as well. Jodemus Wed, 02 Feb 2005 00:00:00 GMT I can't believe it but, my Mom also had 7 siblings, (4 sisters, 2 brothers), she was the youngest. So you can imagine that all of them passed away before her. As far as I know, there is one sister alive,(the second oldest). They were always very dysfunctional and distant with us, and blame us for it. I understand your situation with your aunts because mine is the same way. Let me tell you my story. I wrote a letter to my aunt telling her about my mother's illness and health condition deteriorating and deadly. I didn't get a response. I decided to call her on the phone so my mom could speak to her. When I called, my aunt answered in a bitter, uncaring tone of voice and said to me, "I don't want to hear any more bad news"; "As far as I'm concerned, You and Your mother Are Already Dead"! then she hung-up. Well, I couldn't believe such hateful words coming out of my aunt's mouth! When I mentioned it to my mother, she almost had an asthma attack. After she calmed down, I told my mother that we didn't need her at all and that my mother shouldn't worry about the awful things she said. Even my own mother was repulsed and told me that I was just insulted and should of hung-up on my aunt instead! Well, my aunt didn't even find out about my Mom dying. But I was still annoyed and upset over the words she said to us. So, I decided to get even (although I'm not that type of person), but sometimes certain people deserve what's coming to them. I also consulted with my co-workers and they agreed with me that my aunt abused us and I should respond to her words. So, guess what? I wrote a short letter to my aunt saying: "The last time I spoke to you on the phone, I did so at the request of my mother, who wanted to speak to her "only sister", and your response Was, "As far as I'm concerned, You and Your Mother are already Dead"! Well, guess what? You Got Your Wish! WOW! I always thought that my mother and I would be reunited in Heaven after Death and I know I will be with her, but, I also know that YOU WON'T BE THERE!! I hope the letter reached her by now and that she was affected and made her feel guilty of her "Wish". Unbelievable!! I don't need her now or ever. So, I can understand what happened to you, Jodi. It sounds like your family is the same; selfish, uncompationate like my aunt. It's sad that between relatives such hatred exists and such lies. I'm so sorry that they made you go through such an unpleasant and hurtful experience. I wouldn't pay her back and forget about her and her daughter. You should treat people as they treat you. And I think that some people use the word "family" as a lame excuse just to get their way. Sometimes, you can get along better with friends than your own family. I'm a little older than you, I'm 41. I'm not married or have any children but I like children. Where do you live? I live in NYC. Its OK to be back at work but, I find it a little hard to focus. Luckily, its a bit slow and the Boss is away. I liked your idea of the "curio". It sounds very pretty and makes me think of a "little shrine" to your Mom. I myself followed my Mom's wishes of a "cremation". So, I have a "beautiful urn", which I'm getting inscribed and keeping it on my dresser for now. Later on, I'm thinking of having it buried and making arrangement in my Will to have myself buried with her. Nice, Right? I cleaned out her apartment and also have all her furniture here. You can imagine how cluttered it looks. Oh well, you take good care of yourself too and we'll keep writing, (its good therapy!). Alina V. Wed, 02 Feb 2005 00:00:00 GMT I am very sorry for your loss ,I just lost my wife on 01/05/04.Hope things are getting a little easier each day for you.I am missing my wife of 20 years very much also she was 46 died of respitory failure.It was her descision to be taken off the resperator and myself her son and daughter along with our daughters boyfriend were there with her .That has given me some comfort and srenghth being able to be there for her and the fact she is not suffering .Also as with your mother and my wife they would want us to kmiss them remember the good times and there love but go on in life and do as well as we can with what we do they certainly did that in there battles everyday.So keep the faith and do your best for your mon and my wife and I will do the same ,and yes I still cry everyday but I am back to work and taking care of my daily challenges we have to be able to move on and know they would want it no other way .Good Luck Spider32 Tue, 08 Feb 2005 00:00:00 GMT Oh how wierd, I had my mother cremated as well but I have a small urn known as a keepsake urn and it is in my curio. I have her placed in a wall over looking a lake because she loved the water and it is made for 2 urns and that is where I am going also. By the way I was going to take all of her home with me but my "FAMILY" wanted a place to go and be with her in their time of need but I don't think anyone has gone. My grandmother really wants to go but she lives 2 hours away and she is 80 yeaaars old. She is the main reason that I don't speak out. She would be so hurt by the family fighting but believe me, when she has passed then I will speak my mind to these certain people. You will probably experience very real moments when you know she is with you. Let me tell you about this weekend and the most miraculous thing. These last few weeks I have really struggled over this whole family riff. I would be taking a bath and just start bawling or cry myself to sleep. It was a Saturday morning and I went to work at 9:oo a.m. and I work at a Mall in Plano, Texas and for some strange reason I kept feeling as if my aunt Joanie, the one that I am mad at, was going to be showing up there. Now I never see her unless it was because of her visiting my mother. This really strong feeling went on all morning and I went out to the food court for lunch and I always eat there in the food court but something was telling me to go downstairs and eat at this little cafe. I have never been down there to eat. I was going down the escaltor and I spot this woman and I can only see the back of her head and I was in shock becuz I knew it was her. Sure enough it was and I was going to run and hide but that force made me turn around and go up and say hi which I did. I made her think everything was cool, like I said becuz of my grandmother. So we talked for a moment and she said to me that she was so mad. I asked why and she said becuz she didn't feel my mother around her at all. My aunt's husband had died a few years ago and she says she always felt him and still doea at times but she can't feel my mom. They were very close too. Of course she waited till my mother died to express her feelings for me, but anyways. I told her that I know she is here becuz of this feeling I had all morning of running into her. Well sure enough my aunt had been there all day as well becuz of a work function. I was so freaked out by that and then I proceeded back to work and I few hours later it hit me!!!!! Oh my god!!!! My mother had sent me a message thru my aunt. Of course she wasn't around my aunt, she is probably telling me that she is on my side and she knows everything my aunt had said to me and isn't with her becuz she hurt me. She knows I've been so hurt by this and wanted to let me know that she still has my back so don't cry over it anymore. One thing about knowing you are dying, is that you can make deals with people. My mom and I had talked about that if anyone hurts me, she will haunt them and that if she can communicate with me in any form, then she defineatly will. After that experience in the mall, I know it was her way of saying she still is watching out for me. Believe me, when I am able to tell her off I will make sure she knows that is why she can't feel my mother!!! I guess we should be all forgiving but when it comes to something like our mother's it's hard to let people get away with stuff. Sorry I didn't write back sooner. Here is my email so we can talk. It is jodemus@comcast.net Jodemus Wed, 09 Feb 2005 00:00:00 GMT Dear Alina (and all), I lost my mom on May 17, 2003 after a 5 year struggle with what had started out as colorectal CA but had metastisized to other parts of her body. She passed away in her sleep with me there, holding her hand, my Dad on the other side of her. First I want to say that I know that dealing with cancer is one of the hardest things out there and I feel the strength and support within all of you who have written- thank you for sharing your strength. My problem is that although my 77 yo Dad and my sister and I are all grieving, it has not been together. In fact, my Dad has taken some fairly cruel steps in his attempts to deal (I assume), including his insisting we take out all of Mom's stuff the day after she died from the bedroom, and the balance of her personal belongings that week. He took all her cookware and put it downstairs, threw out God knows what of hers or gave it away without consulting us. Then within 3 months after her passing started going to singles clubs, met some 50 yo bimbo, tried to get her to MOVE in (and told us on my Mom's birthday weekend) in by April 2004, then now found someone else who HAS moved in. I had my second baby mid-March 2004 and while I have been trying to deal with grieving over knowing my Mom will never meet her (except in heaven), my Dad, with NO sensitivity,shows little interest in being a part of my (or my children's)life. He lives less than 5 minutes away. If you ask if my parents marriage of 46 years was good, the answer was yes. Was my relationship with my Dad before mom's death bad? No, but clearly there must have been issues. My husband is great and supportive, but I am really having trouble dealing with this, and think about my mom everyday. I am not that close with my sister, and that makes it tough as well. It has been almost two years since she has passed on, but I can't seem to get over this. The worst was that yesterday my sister told me my Dad threw out the one display we had not had the heart to take down- that of her shadowboxes containing small toys from her childhood, carefully arranged. Apparently, Dad threw it all out, while preparing the upstairs for a paint job (which is where is lady friend has put her stuff).... I have been not going to his house since this 58 yo woman moved in (too painful), and do not speak to him regularly...but I do touch base- I love my Dad, care if he's okay, but the stuff he is doing is so painful and he is so STUBBORNLY oblivious (and refuses to see) to the pain he is causing us...Sorry if this sounds like a diversion, but I too, am really having trouble dealing... Metwo Thu, 10 Feb 2005 00:00:00 GMT Your Dad is really reacting very strange and its obvious that he can't accept the truth that your Mom did pass away. You can't expect much emotional support from him since he can't even handle his own emotional state. He probably does miss your Mom, how can he not, but by behaving like he does is hiding the fact that he is feeling angry and scared about losing your mother. Seeing her belogings just reminds him of the fact that she died. You should seek to be consoled by other means at this time. Your Dad will realize eventually that what he's doing is wrong, that will make him change his attitude and help himself in dealing with reality. Alina V. Fri, 11 Feb 2005 00:00:00 GMT Dear Alina, Thanks, you are right in everything you say. My head knows that my Dad is grieving and, true to form (if I was going to be brutally honest about it), he is acting out in a way that is strange- but not entirely out of character. It is funny how the core of who we are as people- our beliefs, strengths, and compassion, are never made so obvious until we hit a point of real adversity. I have been reading all of the responses that so many of you have made, and I keep thinking that as people, you all seem so strong and compassionate. Jane S., you are truly a special person to say that you have gratitude that it is not your loved ones, but yourself, who is so ill (and I totally understand what you mean). I am trying to work very hard in reminding myself that I am blessed in so many ways, to have a wonderful husband, amazing children, and a good life in general. It is true, I know my Mom would not want us to feel pain on her account and I want to respect her memory by sending her love and gratitude for having had her as my mom... Metwo Fri, 11 Feb 2005 00:00:00 GMT Hi, My mom also passed away from this cancer. It has been 5 years. She went very quickly after my sister had been murdered by her husband. I always felt the xtra stress is what killed her faster. Every day she is on my mind. I spent her last hours with her and this disease was devasting. You have no chance now. Over the holidays my cousin called me to let me know my aunt who is the sister of my mother was terminal with the disease. I share your pain and it is far from over. You always feel so helpless and I shared my feelings with my cousin and for one second I think she knew someone really understood because you never do and to let you know I am sorry for your loss and will always share the pain. Alice Aliceblue Wed, 16 Feb 2005 00:00:00 GMT I just buried my mother two Sundays ago. We never saw it coming. It's just me and my brother. My dad died in 1978 at age 52 of heart disease. Mom has always had stomach problems because of the pain pills she takes for her bad back. We have both had multiple back operations. I lived just 5 miles from Mom but being as we have both been disabled many years we became each other best friend. We would call each other 5 to 10 times a day. We knew when a weather front was coming in before the weatherman. About 2 weeks prior to my Mom entering the hospital we noticed she was having a lot of stomach pain. I took her too the hospital about Jan 24th Late Sunday early Monday morning. It was the first time I noticed her skin was jaundice. I had practically spent the prior 3 nights with her because I was worried about her but incandescent lights don't show jaundice that well. Mom was 73 and diagnosed with Diabetes about 4 months prior. We couldn't seem to get it under control. This is beyond the point where her HMO doctor should have long ago done a scan on my mother's abdomen. By that following Tuesday the GI (PA) comes in and said we can discharge your mother. She has pancreatic cancer and it is the size of a golf ball grown in the center of the pancreas plus there are several spots all over her liver. I asked how long does my Mom have or is there anything that can be done. He answered your mother has up to ONE WEEK to live. Her primary care physician said she had up to 1 month to live. Mom only made it 9 days and she passed. It was like my mother had gotten in a car accident things were moving too fast. We thought she had Alzheimer's coming on for the last 2 years but in retrospect I think it was the cancer spreading into her brain. Mom didn't want to be hooked up to machines so we brought her home via Hospice and had a hospital bed brought into her own bedroom. It's a long story how Hospice handled my mom, taking away the nurses on Wed at 8am and none showing up on Thus or Fri then finally on Saturday one shows (after I threaten to sue) and my mom in too much pain. She can no longer swallow so the Methadone liquid painkiller is not getting into her system. I had already changed her diaper 5 times and I thought I was doing everything ok but Mom had already developed two bedsores that fast. I ran to get some Desenex and Balmex and the nurse had ordered Tylenol suppositories and morphine drops. When I got back my mother had only 3 breaths left in her and she died in my arms. I feel that the nurse had given Mom a substantial dose and Mom just passed on. I have heard you can't leave those hospice workers alone but I wanted my Mom to get some relief from the Desenex. Maybe it was the way God meant it. The nurse said she sent the delivery of morphine back because my mom had started breathing shallow. The nurse said your mother took a very long time to go. It was if she was holding on for you to return. She said she has been in hospice 7 years and that is the second time she has seen that happen. I truly hope my mother heard me rush back into the room. At least in heaven she knows I was there for her. It's going to kill me. I wasn't an only child but I was in the picture 95% of my mom's life. My brother only visited when he wanted to borrow money. My Mom was my best friend, my counsel, my bail bondsman, my tow truck company and she was always there when I needed her. I just wished I had known how sick she truly was so I could have tried to be on my best behavior for the last couple years. I look back at all the what-ifs. I should have done this I should have done that. I have a terminal disease. I saw my mother doing a lot of extra exercising on her bike about 6 months ago. I said you're really going at that exercise aren't you? She said yes. I got to build myself up so I can take care of you when you get sick (she knew I was at full blown aids) See my mother was still putting me ahead of herself. That is the great mother that she was. If there is any good of this they say that the hardest thing is for a parent to bury a child. At least now my mother does not have to go through the grief of watching me die. I got to admit I know I am going to especially miss her when I am at my end but it is better this way. I was always worried what would happen to her without me. My brother wouldn't take care of her. I vowed to never let her enter a nursing home as long as I was able. I am sad. I can't believe cancer can enter ones life in less than 30 days and your loved one be gone forever. Coleygross Mon, 28 Feb 2005 00:00:00 GMT My heart goes out to you Coley. There are no words to say to undo all the sadness and hurt that you felt going through your mother's illness and passing; and if that is not enough, now reading that you too are gravely ill. My God, Coley, I'm so sorry, the news is totally shocking; you must still be in shock and disbelieve about all you are going through. I don't know what to say, but you shouldn't be alone at a time like this. Please try to talk about your feelings to someone, you must be afraid and feeling very depressed. I find that talking and going for "bereavement counseling", helps tremendously. I started going myself because I needed to talk to someone and get insight to ideas and feelings which I can't understand and now I really need this and can't do without it. Hospice sponsores this service, just ask them for information. We are also here for you, write to us whenever you need to. GOD BLESS YOU FOREVER! I know you will be reunited with your mother in Heaven. You are truly a Good Daughter and a Kind Great Person. Alina V. Mon, 28 Feb 2005 00:00:00 GMT Although Coley sounds a bit female it is actually a nickname my dad gave me after a black heavyweight prizefigher back in my dads days. My real name is Coleman but it is more like a last name that most folks call me Coley. Yes, I guess I need to join a bereavement style group. See, when I hear the word Hospice it gives me a bad taste. I have heard many positive things about Hospice but a communication defect whereas a main nurse FORGOT to tell VITAS, the larget hospice in south florida that my mother had been removed from continuous care and as far as vitas was concerned they said they thought my Mom was under continuous care. Actually when no one showed up the following day (last nurse was on a Wed at 8am, she went out the door and said someone will be here later but it won't be a nurse, just an aide to bathe, feed, change diaper and linens.) In a way I was glad to get rid of Hospice for a while (that is as long as I could keep my mother comfortable with her meds) I felt when anyone from hospice was around that I was unable to express my feelings towards my mother the way I would had I been alone. It is different when you have a total stranger watching your every move. They stick to the patient like glue for a couple reasons. Some families stand to inherit millions upon ones demise and a few nurses told me stories about how people unhooked oxygen machines etc. to in effect, kill, promote the inevitable, have mercy, call it what you may the Hospice is there to protect the patient for they are unusally unable to defend themselves. It is sad and hard to think there are persons out there that would attempt to so called "pull the plug" as long as a loved one is not in severe pain and is living some type of a peaceful life. Sometimes I regret calling all my mothers family members because they had more time with her than I did. by the time they had a left Mom had declined to a point where she could only give one and two syllable replies. Like I might say Mom do you want jello or ensure, she would say ensure. In the same token the doorbell rang later that day and my mother hollered just a minute. I was astonished she had that much energy in her. I guess it woke her out of a sleep and she forgot for a millisecond how sick she was. I don't know why after the relatives started coming in why me and my mother conversations ceased. I don't know if we were afraid to start the other crying for we never let the other know she knew or I knew she was dying except (Even though she had been told by 3 chaplins and 2 or 3 doctors) mom would temporarily forget, then out of the blue say I think there is a cure for this type cancer. It fell on deaf ears cause I was the only one that heard her, everyone else was talking too loud. I didn't have the heart to tell mom that I had called all the clinical trial programs, the most promising as the bexxar thats being done in NY at sloan kettering and there is also a pancreatic cancer trial at Sylvester cancer institute here in Miami, but these people want subjects that are able to walk in on their own. How stupid is that. The Bexxar I read about (you can google it with key word pancreatic cancer trial) was the best. It only took like 2 weeks of a couple injections. It is a radiation liquid that goes right into the veins but it targets like a missle and zeros in on "any" tumors and lodges its radioactive radiation molecules only in the cancer and doesn't bother the surounding areas. I thought to myself If I could just get a bottle of the medicine, break in if I had to. It is amazing how desperate we can get when we know a loved on is running out of time. I wanted to tell mom there were some tratments but I would have to follow that up with you don't qualify Mom, you're too far gone. How could I say those words to my mother? I choose to change the topic and try to get her mind in another place. The alzheimers or cancer that might have been affecting her brain (either or both) would cause her to go in and out of comprehension of her grave condition. Again I don't understand why we didn't talk much the 3 days prior to her passing. Of course when she could no longer swallow I understood why but there were some time frame we could have talked. So many times I wanted to give my mother a big hug but those darned Hospice workers would make me feel weird and I couldn't express myself as I wanted. Like I said even though they were there I only slept 2 to 3 hours a night and 2 nights I had layed upside down next to mom holding her hand as I lay 1/2 off the bed. I wanted her to know I was there and wasnt leaving. I remember when I had all my spinal sugeries how comforting it was to know that my mother was there whenever I needed her. I never took that for granted. I did my best or as humanly possible considering my full blown aids and 20 back operations. I remember how much pain I would feel afer changing mom's diaper. I just felt many times like I couldn't go on but God or some spiritual adrenalin kept me going. Yeah, I need some support, I appreciate your reply. It helps us to know there are others out there going through the pain and torment of loss. Again I can't stand the word Hospice but that is only my experience. I will eventually call them and see when there next support meeting is. I remember when I lost my roomate of 6 years. He got hooked on crack cocaine and was stealing autos to support his habit. The police chased him into a wreck at night and he died instantly at age 25. How sad. I remember it took me like forever to learn how to deal with that loss. I can cope with it now, but that was only a 6 year relationship. I've known my Mom going on 50 years. More years than even my father was married to my mom since he died young at age 52. I keep waiting for the phone to ring and keep coming across topics and movies on tv that I want to call Mom and tell her what time it comes on tonight but then it hits me. She gone. She is truly gone. My mother was the only person I knew I could truly trust and lean upon. My brother wouldnt give a rats ass if I croaked tommorow. My mother hasn't even been in the ground a month and my brother that has a good job is calling everyday and in every conversation it boils down to money, when when when your shoulg do this that, blah blah. The bastard hadn't visited her for a year after he got his job he stopped visting my mom twice a week. He only visited her to borrow money, once he had a job he never visited her again. Didn't even see her this last Christmas and I jumped all over his ass telling him me and mom are not always going to be around. You just go on with your friends and have a good time. Little did I know how my words would come so true. His last oportunity to be with his mother on Christmas and he blew it. I could not live with myself had I treated a mother like he treated mine. I begged him for a good 6 moths to come visit and hang around Mom that something is very wrong and I can't put my finger on it. He never even called. I had to call him and he would shrug it off as she's just taking to many pain pills. It was obvious he didnt give a shit. Even though we were a small family he always moved just outside our local calling area where we would have to dial 1 to call him. His cell phones and everything required a long distnce call. Yet he works in South beach (Miami) where me and my mom live but chose to stay in fort lauderdale the last 20 years. His excuse was he hated driving into Hialeah (Hialeah is a suburb of west Miami) He really just hates himself. He stated on the phone the other night, God how I would pay a million dollars just to be able to drive to Hialeah and visit Mom. I didnt say a word. All I know is I wouldn't want to be in his shoes. His constant pushing me to get the deeds of an executor done is taking its toll on me. Stress brings your immune system down and I already had a bout of thrush (it's a yeast infection babies can get from bottles) When thrush sets in pnemonia, cancer or anything can follow. I say to myself, you wouldn't be calling Mom everyday asking for money, just because she has passed why are you calling me everyday? I actually was gullible enough to believe he was checking up on me everyday because he knew how close I was with Mom but in every conversation the subject MONEY would pop up. After about 25 calls it finally dawned on me his only intentions were money, not how I was or what he could do to help. Never once has this bastard asked me if I needed some help. I had to do all the funeral arrangments and finances myself. He helped me change my mother's diaper one time and the main reason for that is I trapped his ass (cause it is hard to do it by yourself) and he got a little taste of how hard I was having to push myself to take care of Mom. I am going to the probate office today, against my better judgement. I feel if I gave myself a couple more weeks to think things through I could save the estate 5 to 10 grand. But to heck with it, If it weren't for knowing he would sell my mothers 250,000 house for the first person that had cash, 100,000 wouldn't suprise me I would turn the entire exutor deeds over to him. Let him deal with the mess. It's bad enough to loose a person you love but then have it compunded by greed. That is a horse of another color. Coley Coleygross Tue, 01 Mar 2005 00:00:00 GMT Hello, I just registered because I wanted to give you my condolences. I can't imagine how hard this has been for you. May God be with you. You must remember that in life we go through hard times and good times and in the end people go to heaven. So remember that this is a passing phase. It will improve; it has done for many people like yourselves. Hardship brings out the best in us and everything has a reason - a good reason. wa salaam Muhammed Tue, 08 Mar 2005 00:00:00 GMT My Mother was diagnosed on Jan 2,2005 and passed on Feb. 25, 2005. We had brought her home after 5 weeks in the hospital only 3 weeks before her death but myself and boths sons were with her when she passed at home. We thought we had at least 3 more mths so we have been having a hard time. My only sister died at age 49 Feb, 01, My Dad on June 25, 2001 from a 5 year battle with prostate cancer that had went to the bone, my brother with cancer in august, 03 and now my sister-in-law is on Hospice with cancer and only has days to maybe 1 month left. Cancer takes away so much and you are left feeling like you have been thru a war. and you have...I not only was very, very close with my parents but I lost my best friend when Mother died. I am not coping well but continue to pray and I will pray for you to find strength in the days and weeks to come. Tjenkx Sat, 23 Apr 2005 00:00:00 GMT I read that you lost your mother to pancreatic cancer a little over a year ago. Hoping you can give me some advice at how to go on with my life. I lost my father to cancer 10 years ago. My mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on June 7, 2006. We were given no hope due to the fact it had already spread to the liver and lungs. Doctors told us she had 3 to 6 months. She only lived three and half weeks from the time we brought her home from the hospital. Those three weeks were horrible. She went down hill so fast every day. We had no quality time with my mom from the day we brought her home from the hospital husband and I packed her our personal belongings and moved in with my mother after she came home from the hospital. I was only able to work 4 days from June 7, 2006 till she passed away on July 12, 2006. Today July 26,2006 marks two weeks since her death and her birthday as well. I have grown very close to my mother over the past 10 years, since the death of my father. She was my best friend. I feel like have no one to share anything with any more I am feeling so lost. This all seem to happen so fast. In April my mother and I were walking 2-3 miles two to three times a week together. This cancer came out of no were. We took her to the hospital on June 7, 2006 with lower chest pain. To only find out that she had pancreatic caner. This is my 3rd day back to work and I am having so much trouble doing my job. I am the oldest of 3 children. I am married and have to girls one 12, one 20. My husband already thinks I need to seek professional help because I am mourning her loss so greatly. He still has both his parents. If you have any advise to help me, I would greatly appreciate it. I can't even express how I feel right now! Kayann Wed, 26 Jul 2006 00:00:00 GMT I've never written to anyone on a message board before but when I read that your mother passed away about the same time as mine, I felt the need to write. My mother passed away on July 15,2006. She was diagnosed with uterine cancer in June and died 6 weeks later. It was all so sudden. She lived two miles from me and we did everything together. We loved to shop, hike, and watch "Dancing With the Stars." She was the BEST grandmother to my two kids, age 5 and 2. She had more energy than most people half her age. She was 54. I get so upset when I think how upset she would be if she knew she had died so young. After she was diagnosed she said that she felt like she had literally run into a brick wall. Her life was going great. Anyhow, I noticed the similarities in the dates of our mother's death and figured that you and I are probably going through the same things. I am extremely sorry for your loss. I do know how you feel, and it hurts. I will pray for you and your family. Irisrose Sun, 05 Nov 2006 00:00:00 GMT Hi... This is my first ime on one of these sites and I am not sure what I have to say is all that helpful, maybe more in the order of dialogue. My mom died of Breast cancer three years ago march. I too am an only child and still, three years later, feel as if my grieving process is so slow. Tonight I broke down about the void I feel in my life and all the unhelpful ways I am trying to fill that void when in fact what I think I really need is to confront my grief in a healthier way. Don't get me wrong most days I seem fine and function without any problems, but when I sit back and take the time to reflect I see how lost I am. I feel paralyzed in the loss of my mother. Maybe part of it is learning to accept that I had no control over her illness or her death, there truly was nothing I could do to change the outcome. If you are interested in talking more please email back and i will gladly respond.Warmest,Stacey stacey5800 Sun, 10 Feb 2008 00:00:00 GMT Stacy,  First of all you are not alone, which is comforting, yet knowing others have suffered so much with such a cruel disease as Cancer is also sad.  I am an only child and 3 months ago lost my Mom "Best Friend" to Pancreatic Cancer.  I also am a Psychotherapist and I am familar with and have counseled others with the Grief Process.  However, you never understand until it affects you personally.  Whether it is the Shock of someone being diagnosed when they were Healthy just Days before, the speed and deterioration of this disease and also reality of missing them so much it is life's greatest challenge.  The uniqueness of an only child adds to the intensity of the loss as many mother child relationships are many times closer with the child than their spouse.  I know in my own life their was a reliance and connection with my own Mom that my wife and friends never understood.  Since my father has been dying from Alzheimers the past 5 years my Mother always seemed like such a rock and had far more energy than all but my 3 year old so the shock is overwhelming.  I have not had much time to grieve with settling my parents estate and becoming the primary caregiver for my father.  Many would see this as challenging, however it gives me a chance to have more time than I had with my mother and gives me a way to honor my mother.  I can only imagine how tough this has been for you as I know how I have felt the past several months and to think of this continuing for several years would be devastating.  I hope you can find the strength to find support from other friends and family, support groups for those that have lost a loved one or  potentially grief counseling.  I don't believe time heals all wounds as they need to be dealt with or by focusing on what has been lost will be all that you feel you have.    Deepest Sympathies, Troy  HopeIsLove Mon, 18 Feb 2008 00:00:00 GMT