CancerCompass message board discussion started by lucyprincess on 8/22/2007 http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,15545,0.htm Thu, 28 Aug 2008 00:00:00 GMT Thu, 28 Aug 2008 00:00:00 GMT http://backend.userland.com/rss RSS.NET: http://www.rssdotnet.com/ I am at a loss of how to help.  My husband's estranged mother has been diaganosed with stage 4 bowel/colon cancer.  He has never been close to his mother, whom he has blamed for his horrible childhood. Now at the age of 36 he is faced with the death of his mother, who was never there for him.  But, she is still his mother,so of course he is concerned with her well being.  He has started to become involved in her treatment, and is now obsessed with the idea of cancer and losing her.  He is not sleeping through the night and every morning he wakes up telling me of dreams he had about his mother and cancer.  After years of hearing about how much he dislikes his mother, I am understanding how scared he is of losing her.  I am not close to my mother-in-law at all...but i realize how much this is affecting him.  I don;t know how to act?  Do I just be ultra-supportive no matter what?  What can I do to ease his pain?  What is the right course of action to support my husband entirely?  lucyprincess Wed, 22 Aug 2007 00:00:00 GMT I'm no psychologist but I would say just be there and listen.  I would imagine you probably have some harsh feelings toward his mother after hearing him badmouth her for years so you may tend to feel like "you couldn't stand her anyway".  I can understand that but maybe he's wishing that they could have mended fences and now is the last chance.   Do you know her at all and can you tell what the problem was (ie: alcoholic, druggy), if not perhaps there's two sides to the story and maybe he was partially at fault for their falling out.  These of course are just guesses because I have no idea of the situation but just some things to think about.  For the sake of your relationship I would say just listen.  He may open up about why it's so important for him to be close to her now to you if you just listen and don't judge.Maybe someone on here will have some better advice for you. Snowmom60 Wed, 22 Aug 2007 00:00:00 GMT Most likely under all of the anger that your husband has expressed over the years is a profound sense of sadness, depression, and loss regarding his "horrible childhood."  I don't know what the details are, but I suspect that the potential "literal" loss of his mother is triggering earlier feelings as well.  Think of it like an onion, i.e., when you peel back the skin and go through the layers it goes deeper and deeper.  Very often anger is a defense against other feelings, particulary in males.  Maybe your husband felt powerless as a child and his mother didn't protect him.  Perhaps being involved with her and her treatment now will empower him and finally help him to heal.  In any case, I think that letting him express himself to you and just validating his feelings will be helpful.  But it may not be easy for you so make sure that you have an outlet for yourself.  I'm not sure if this is helpful at all.  People often feel better just from having someone else listen to them without judgment.Peace to both of you. Withgrace Fri, 24 Aug 2007 00:00:00 GMT Everyone has given great bits of advice.  I would just like to add that part of grief and facing cancer is not only greiving for what was but also what will never be.  So often when family members are estranged, in the back of their minds somewhere, they may imagine a future day when the relationship is mended and things are 'whole' again.  Facing the possibility of terminal illness brings lots of feelings to the forefront.  For your husband and his mother, their future is now.  I hope they are able to come to some closure with each other so that both can enjoy peace. Chi-girl Fri, 24 Aug 2007 00:00:00 GMT