CancerCompass message board discussion started by Jodemus on 2/12/2005 http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,1559,0.htm Sat, 30 Aug 2008 00:00:00 GMT Sat, 30 Aug 2008 00:00:00 GMT http://backend.userland.com/rss RSS.NET: http://www.rssdotnet.com/ I took care of my mother during the end of her battle with pancreatic cancer. She was perfectly capable of taking care of herself until 11-04. She went into the hospital after the 2nd bad reaction to chemo. She was diagnosed in 2-02. She had the whipple and everything was fine. The tumor showed back up this august and they tried a new chemo but it was just too harsh for her. She went home on hospice 11-13-04. I watched her turn into a child from a very strong and independant woman. I watched the most amazing spititual experiences. I was completely calmed about death. The last 4 days is the only time when we couldn't communicate. Even though I am not sure just how lucid our conversations played out in her mind. She couldn't eat the last 2 weeks and she lost so much weight. The hardest part was watching her body deteriorate. It was a total of 3 weeks and it seemed to drag on forever during that time but looking back, it was so quick. I wanted to to go because I couldn't bare to watch her suffer. She was so ready to go also. She was so funny at times because she kept asking what to do next so she could die. I told her that I don't think God is going to allow someone up there who is more controlling than him up there. She only wanted certain people around but of course everyone was there. The strange thing was, was that the only people she wanted around were there when she passed. I think she saw that and decided that she better go now. I guess she never gave up control after all. I have had very strange experiences since she has passed and I am convinced that it is her making things happen. We discussed certain things before she died and I truely believe that they are still around after they are gone. Has anyone else out there felt their loved one around? Jodi B. Jodemus Sat, 12 Feb 2005 00:00:00 GMT In response to your question about feeling the presence of a loved after they've passed on... ABSOLUTELY! I dreamed of both my grandmother and my father shortly after their deaths. My grandmother had been living with my parents before her death and I spent the night at my parents house following her funeral. I felt a little odd about sleeping her bed and dreamed that she came to the window to tell me it was okay and that she wanted me to have the bed. I told my mother the next morning and she thought it was odd since I'd never expressed in interest in the bed, and it wasn't a valuable antique or anything. When we disassembled the bed to move it we found a manilla envelope filled with poem my grandmother had written. She'd apparently never shared them with anyone, but she somehow knew we shared a secret as I'd never shown anyone a box of poems that I'd written. I kept the bed and the poems and they both continue to bring me great joy. I often sit on the bed and write and even talk to my grandmother aloud when I'm having a bad day. My father passed away unexpectedly while I was undergoing chemo for breast cancer. A few days later I dreamed of my dad walking though a beautiful garden. He didn't speak, but waved as if to reassure me he was safe and happy and continued along the path. My cancer was advanced and my pronosis was not good. Recovery was a struggle filled with metastastises, a local recurance and countless side-effects, but I always believed I was going to make it through because I'm convinced my dad made a deal with God to take my place so I could stay and raise my children and grow old with my husband. I feel these people and others watching over me every day. Some days it makes me smile, other times it makes me cry, but it always makes me feel lucky to have had them in my life. I hope you feel peace and comfort from your mother's presence. Hugs, Deb Y. Debra J. Mon, 14 Feb 2005 00:00:00 GMT I lost my fiance in November to primary liver cancer. He was 48 years old. He was diagnosed in September and in less than two months, he was gone. He appeared to be a healthy person. Getting up early every day to go to work. He loved life, his job. He never complained. It was difficult to watch him deteriate. At the end, his family (brother and sister) stayed with us for support. His friends came to visit regularly. He reached a point that he did not want his friends there anymore. He new the end was near. I had a dream about a month after he died and in the dream he told me that he made it to heaven. That was comforting to me. I took that dream as his way of telling me that he was ok. I am still having a difficult time dealing with his loss. I miss him so much. I talk to him on a regular basis. His pictures are all over the house. I dream about "Mack" often and I find comfort in those moments. I always ask him to please come see me and let me know that he is ok. God Bless Our Loved Ones. Mymacky Tue, 15 Feb 2005 00:00:00 GMT I absolutely agree with Jodi B. My mother had a series of mini-strokes while I was overseas in US while my husband was getting treatment for naso-pharyngeal cancer. This was in 2003. My mother held on for about three months until I arrived so that I could see her. I spent two days with her - my brother was looking after her although she had lived with me for two years prior to that. Conversation was very difficult for her, but she knew I was there. After I left she refused to eat or drink anymore; it was almost as if her mission of waiting for me had been completed. In fact she went into a coma; three days afterwards I took a priest to visit her and the following day she died... that was in August 2003. Yet I can still hear her telling me that she is fine she is at rest. I had a similiar experience when my father died of stomach cancer twenty years ago. He literally spoke to me, after death, when I attended the funeral of a very close friend of his. Somehow I feel their presence constantly, particularly during these trying times while my husband is currently undergoing chemo treatment for the third time. I would say that they both give me the strength and the fortitude to deal with these crises, in addition to my faith in the Lord. Do you think this is so, or am I crazy? Cezjun Wed, 16 Feb 2005 00:00:00 GMT I truely believe that our loved ones, especially our parents, are always watching out for us. They know when we need to hear from them. I have children and if I were to go tomorrow, I would still be their parent. You never stop watching over your kids. I can't tell you how perfectly timed my mother has been in giving me messages when I really am in need of them. Of course, in life she was very organized and puntual. I guess we still keep our personalities in some way. My mother was a very logical and success driven person, but before she died, she became very childlike and she would tell me about the people "spirits" that were there to take her to heaven. She really wanted to go but she didn't want to go with them becuz she didn't know them. I think she was wanting the family members that had passed before her to come for her. They say that we are all family in heaven and I had to explain to her that they could be there for her becuz she may have touched them in life and not even realized it and now they are her to help her in return. There were always the same spirits there and she saw a staircase in front of her and there were people constantly going up the stairs. Then at one point she said she saw a door and it was ratteling like someone was trying to open it. The last day she was with us, I told her that she had to go becuz it was too hard for her to hold on anymore and it was too hard for me as well. She wasn't responsive at that point but I know she heard me becuz she died that day. I told her that this is one of those things that scares you really bad but you have to be brave and trust the spirits and go. She always took my advice and she did up until the end as well. I love her so much and always will. I sometimes feel a fullness in my chest and that is when she is here with me. It makes me cry everytime though. When it gets real bad, I go to the cemetary and it makes it all better for the next few days. Jodemus Wed, 16 Feb 2005 00:00:00 GMT Dear All, I find it very helpful to read about your feelings and stories. I am the youngest of four children. Our father died unexpectedly 17 years ago. I was very young I did not realise what had happened until a few years ago. My mom was diagnosed with liver cancer on december 2003. She was also diagnosed with hepatitis C, which she most likely got from a blood transfussion she received when I was born. I lived with her and accompanied in the fight against cancer for 1 year and 3 months. She died as a result of a very risky operation offered to us after all other forms of treatment had failed. She is the strongest woman I have met. I spent her last six months working at home, and got the chance to improve my relation eith her trmendously. I saw her grow into a very disciplined and determined person, organizing every detail in her life to live longer and defeat the sisease. She has set a wonderful example for me and my family. She died two weeks ago, and for the first time since then, I have the chance to spend some time alone at home, facing the fact that I will never see her again. I take care of a small garden we planted together last year, try to keep up with my routine... I think of her very rfequently, and realize she would kill me if I gave up. but I feel it will take me a long time to overcome this loss. Thank you all for being around and sharing your thoughts. Guadalupe Mon, 21 Mar 2005 00:00:00 GMT I know how you are feeling. I sometimes think it is harder to live your life now bwcause I truely believe that everything we do is viewed by them. I catch myself thinking, "What would my mother think about this." It will hit you at really strange times but the most important advice I could give you, is cry when you need to cry. It doesn't matter who is around or where you are because if you keep it in, then the only thing you are doing is keeping in your feelings and I believe that they deserve the right to see and feel our tears. They were our role models, our mentors, and the most respected women in our lives. Everytime I cry a tear, I cry for every daughter or son who have lost their mother. My mother was my entire support system and she still is. I still ask her advice and let her know when I need her. Believe it or not, she still answers me in the most unbelieveable ways. For anyone out there who is taking care of an ailing parent, say what you need to say. Tell them that you love them everytime your eyes meet and look at every detail of there face. Remember that little line in their forehead or that freckle on their cheek. Feel the texture of their skin. Close your eyes and listen to their voice. Record what you can and listen to what they say. Jodemus Tue, 22 Mar 2005 00:00:00 GMT Dear Jodi, That is exactly the way I feel. My mom and I used to say that while got my job done, she would work on healing herself. I think of that all the time, since I have trouble focusing and getting things done. The last time I saw her body, the only thing I told her was that I would not be angry at her for leaving like that, if she promised to give me a aign if I was doing something stupid. I have felt her support in many ways and I know she is with me. As for crying... well, I cry a lot, under the weirdest circumstances. Small, quotidian things are hard to overcome. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I cannot describe how encouraging your message sounds. Guadalupe Tue, 22 Mar 2005 00:00:00 GMT I read all the beautiful messages on this board and I bawled. So many of the stories are eerily similar to my own. I lost my Mom on March 10th and I still find myself trying to come up with ways to save her even though I know she is already gone. Crazy? My mom had cancer for 11 years at level S5 breast. She had a bone marrow transplant and went through every type of chemo available throughout that time. In November, a month after my wedding, we found out that the cancer had progressed to her lungs and there was little to be done. I knew for those last months that I was about to lose her and I thought that somehow that would make it easier. But it doesn't. I ache for her so badly that sometimes it is difficult to breathe. I would give anything to hold her one more time. I have yet to experience any "visitations" from her other than, the night she died. I wrote her obituary upon returning home from the hospital and when I was falling asleep on my couch I felt someone rubbing my back (she would do that when I was a child to help me relax). I guess I am desperate to dream of her or talk with her. My mom was 54 years old and one of the most loved people I ever knew. I can barely remember a time when we weren't worried about her death (at least for the passed eleven years). However, I am not sure, now that the death has occurred, how to accept the permanancy of it? Does anyone experience their mind playing tricks on them, like "my mom is on vacation"? How do you deal with never getting a hug from your mommy again? Libby1214 Wed, 23 Mar 2005 00:00:00 GMT I get a really heavy feeling in my chest and my stomach gets butterflies in it. I know at that moment she is here with me. I sleep with her nightgown she had on when she died. I figured her spirit passed through it and even after several accidental washing by my husband or kids, I can still smell her. It also helps because I spray a light mist of her perfume she always wore. I snuggle up with her pj's and I hug her that way. I cannot answer how we get over the fact that she won't be back but I can relate to that first month of seeming to be doing pretty good and accepting things and then all of a sudden when everything calms down or when something happens and you need her help it really hits hard. My mother is on a website called mem.com and her name is Connie White. I have a shrine of her in a curio cabinet by my bed and I have a small keepsake urn with a part of her in it and I tell her goodnight everynight and when I feel really lonely I just bawl my head off. Days of crying get less but does the hole in your heart ever get smaller, no. You just learn to fill it with memories and when the loneliness comes, you just realize it isn't necessarily a negative. If we didn't have that feeling, then it would be becuz we didn't have that love in the first place. She is there watching you everyday. When you REALLY need her, you will feel her. Of course we think we need them everyday but they know when they are needed. We have to learn to go on in our lives and smile when we think of there little sayings or ways they smiled at us. We will all be missed one day and we hope our loved ones will be okay when we are gone. They want us to be okay too. We will be. We have a wonderful support group here when we need it. I will probably be here for years to come. Helping others and talking about our beautiful relatives and friends that lost their fight with cancer, helps us deal with our own pain and sorrow. Please keep in touch and remember you have a friend here. Jodemus Mon, 28 Mar 2005 00:00:00 GMT I am encouraged to hear that you feel like you have communicated with your mom. My mother passed away on January 15, 2005 from brain cancer. It destroyed her in 3 short weeks. She had some symptoms, was diagnosed and was dead -- all in 3 weeks. The suddeness and brutality of the disease was unbelievable. I have horrible memories....my poor mother did not deserve to die that way. Your mother sounded at peace -- mine was not. She knew she was dying and she was miserable, although she told me she was not afraid to die, only to suffer. I miss her very much and wish that I would dream of her or feel something of her presence. I do not and that bothers me. If we really live in eternity, why can't I tell that she is still there? Maybe I am blocking it because her death is so painful. But maybe there is hope since many people here have experienced otherwise. I will keep waiting... Mhop53 Sat, 23 Apr 2005 00:00:00 GMT I can not help but cry when I read everyone's messages. There are so many similarities to my life, yet none of us have ever met. My mother was diagnosed with multiple myeloma on April 30, 2004. She had a stem cell transplant in the fall of '04 and everything got worse instead of better. About four weeks ago she couldn't move her arms. They found several tumors growing rapidly in her already diseased body. They started her on radiation and then aggressive chemo. Her body was so weak that she was constantly needing blood transfusions. Then about two weeks ago she found out that she had contracted a fungal infection in her lungs similar to pnuemonia. She passed away a week ago. I never saw it coming. None of us did, we all thought that she was going to beat this dreadful disease. She was so young, only 55. She still had 30 or 40 years of memories to make with my daughters. She had weddings to go to this year, and vacations to go on. I know that she is pissed off that she died. She didn't want to die and expressed that frequently. My mom has done a couple of things for me already that I've seen or felt. Small things that maybe wouldn't make a difference but I'd like to believe that she has a part in them. I even catch myself looking for her a lot. At her wake last Thursday someone had laughed and in that laugh I heard my mom say my name. I turned to look but then quickly realized she wasn't there. BUT, she was there and I know I heard her. Last night I had a dream about her and in that dream she was alive but she didn't look the same. She had all of her hair back but her legs were crippled and she was using a walker. The dream scared me so bad that I woke up and when I went back to sleep I couldn't find her again. I was kind of mad at myself for letting her go. It hurts so bad to be here without her. I've never had anyone close to me die, so I'm feeling this loss basically for the first time in my whole life. It sucks! Heath74 Mon, 25 Apr 2005 00:00:00 GMT Yes, it is very sad. I too have never lost someone that is really close to me and my mother was my best friend. It has been 3 months and I still think about her everyday --My three children miss her as well and that makes me even sadder -- it is very hard to console someone when you yourself are sad -- and what do you tell a child when they ask why God gave Grammy brain cancer and why did she have to die? I don't have answers for these questions, let alone trying to explain it to a child -- All I can say is that I feel for everyone here and can relate to your pain -- I've been told by older relatives that the pain will diminish, but that it will never go away completely. I think that the key to dealing with grief is to try to stay busy - I have my family to deal with and have recently taken a part-time job as a reporter for my local paper. If I am busy, I might get a few hours a day when I don't think about my mother. It also helps to come here and talk -- don't let those feelings stay bottled up inside.... M Mhop53 Tue, 26 Apr 2005 00:00:00 GMT I know it has only been a week for me but I really don't see any end to this pain anytime soon. I've been crying for almost a year now. We found out mom had cancer on April 30, 2004. And it hurt so bad to watch her go through everything. To watch her take 30 pills a day just to survive, to watch her body waste away, to see her in the hospital when she was her sickest... and then to watch her die. She never really got to the point where she couldn't do anything. Even in her last two weeks when she had pnuemonia and was going through chemo and blood transfusions she still got out and about. I just found out that two weeks ago her doctors told her that it was going to be tough to put her cancer into remission and she told my brother but didn't tell my dad, sister or me. I'm not saying that that makes it any easier but in some small ways it kind of helps me understand why she died so unexpectedly. Right now I feel like I'm a bad mother and wife. My family is my greatest support but I feel that I can't give them support in return becuz I'm a mess. My one year old has no concept of what's going on, but my six year old does and she cries when I cry. My husband is trying so hard but I know that he hurts too. I work with my family and to see my dad hurt brings tears to my eyes. He told me this morning that it's like this is all a dream. Your mind is so numb. My sister wants us to think of all the good times but to be honest it doesn't help. I can laugh about things that I know my mom would've laughed at but then I cry when I'm done laughing. I'm just sick of hurting. My family is so close, we do so much together. Even if I didn't see my mom every day, I talked to her on the phone. Now when the phone rings I keep expecting it to be her. I find myself looking for her constantly. Like I'm going to see her spirit or connect with her. I came to this website looking for others in the same situation and that's about the only thing that helps right now. Thank you for sharing. Heath74 Wed, 27 Apr 2005 00:00:00 GMT I am so sorry to read your message and just wanted you to know that I feel exactly the same way. My mother has been gone 3 months and I cry every day --I know exactly how you feel. I have three children who miss her dearly -- we were very close as well -- my mother lived only 10 minutes away and was involved in every aspect of my life and my childrens' lives. It is very hard to be supportive to your kids when you are hurting so badly -- I know. I can only say that I feel for you and know what you are going through -- My dad lives alone now and he is handicapped and has a lot of health issues and I need to visit him on a regular basis. My heart breaks each time I have to enter that house with all of my mother's things and she is not there. My kids won't even go in and I don't blame them...try to take comfort in your family -- at least you are not alone -- my brother is 43 and single and recently relocated to DC -- he is especially sad because he is lonely, in a new city and feels as if he no longer has anyone who cares what happens to him...I know this isn't really advice, but it does help to commiserate...and know that there are others who know your pain -- the majority of the world just goes on and sometimes it just feels very cruel... M Mhop53 Wed, 27 Apr 2005 00:00:00 GMT You are so right about the rest of the world seeming so cruel. I get mad when I hear ads or see something about mother's day. I know that other people have mothers and would like to celebrate that day and I myself am a mother but right now it's not something I want to celebrate. I find myself daydreaming A LOT! My brother just confessed to me that he does the same becuz he feels so hollow inside and that his brain just goes numb. I seriously thought my mom was going to beat this disease. I sometimes wished she would've tried harder though becuz a lot of times I saw her quit and not try at all. It was almost as if I was the parent and she was the child the day she found out she had cancer. As if by instinct, I took over the role as a parner to her. My dad, sister and I all took turns caring for her. but my dad did the most becuz he lived with her. Now he's lost and once again, my maternal instincts are taking over and I'm taking care of dad. He seems so fragile and sometimes I can hear the tears in his voice. The most ignorant comment that I hear people make is "It was her time to go". I don't believe that. She knew she had my sister's wedding next month and my brother's wedding in 5 months. And she wouldn't have missed those for the world. There were so many other things that she was looking forward to doing this year. I just don't believe that it was her time to go. Mom wasn't ready to go. If she knew two weeks ago that her cancer was rapidly destroying her body why didn't she do more to prepare us? I just can not believe she is gone. I'm sure you feel the same way about your mom. I take it from your posts that you were as close to your mom as I was to mine. I don't go to church and I'm not a religious person but I do believe in a higher power. It's a miracle that our hearts beat to keep us alive and that we eat when were hungry and drink to take care of thirst.... something created us and something takes care of us when were gone from earth. I have to believe that my mom is with me. Heath74 Wed, 27 Apr 2005 00:00:00 GMT My mother was not ready to go at first either, but when she knew that there was no hope she cried and cried for God to let her die. It was awful. Initially she was jealous that everyone around her was healthy and walking around, but then she felt so bad she didn't want to live like that. If she had thought there was a cure, she would have fought, but she knew there was no hope. I never thought my mother would beat this disease - I spent hours on the web researching it and I knew it was bad. I know there are some short term survivors out there, but there is no cure for what my mother had -- she had brain cancer - the worst, most aggressive type possible and there is no cure. I remember telling her that she was brave and she told me she wasn't - she was only facing the facts - but facing the facts is brave.....tonight while I was reading in bed I heard crying in the other room -- my 11 year old daughter was crying in bed for her Grammy -- that makes me even sadder -- what do you tell a child to make them feel better? When I try to tell her Grammy is in heaven, she only replies, "But I know she would be happier here with us..." Mhop53 Wed, 27 Apr 2005 00:00:00 GMT I am so sorry that I haven't been there these last few days. I am amazed at how our stories are so similar. My son is very sad too and all I ever say is, "I feel that way too." I was driving by her old apt. earlier today and he recognized it and started to sing a song he made up about her and it is the saddest thing ever. I asks her why she had to go and then says I am so sorry you had a owee called cancer. I sit there and listen to him quietly hoping he will express everything he feels in this song and it sucks so badley to realize that he will never grow up to really know her. He is only 6 years old and she loved him so much and also was his only true granparent. My husbands mom does't really have any contact with him and my dad is close to him but lives 1800 miles away. He was my mother's only grandchild and he was her shining star. That is the hardest part. I make sure we talk about her everyday. I want him to at least know her through my stories. I had a really bad day at work today and she was a very successful business woman and her input would be so benefical. Of course who knows, she might come to me in my sleep and give me advice. She always comes to me in some wayand when I need her most. I try not to expect it though. I never want to take her presence for granted. I pray she will always be there for me. She wanted me to go after this position before she died and they had been asking me to accept this position for a month and I kept turning it down because I didn't feel like I could do it but then one day they asked me again and to my surprise I said ok. It was like she answered for me. Then when I went to the interview we sat down behind closed doors and all of a sudden the door flew open by itself and my supervisors were freaked out and saying,"OH MY A GHOST JUST CAME IN!" I knew exactly who it was. She wasn't gonna let me blow that interview. I got the position to say the least but it would be nice to have her alive to enjoy my success and brag to all her friends and family like mother's do. They are the best braggers and they have every right to. They can make you feel like such a special person. It sucks to loose your biggest fan. I know she's up there with a huge smile on her face. I have a picture of her next to my bed and she has the best smile on her face. I look at that picture to get my smiles. I imagine that is what she would look like if she was still alive. I try not to remember the way she looked before she died. It was too traumatizing. I hate that image. Well I better get going before I put everyone to sleep with my continuous rambeling. I hope you find comfort in my story or my words. My heart is with you all out there, going thru this and I know your pain and I know how much it hurts. I wish I could find a way to make it go away. I always say, "If you don't have that pain, then you never had that love in the first place." I am glad I had that love even if it had to end. Jodi Jodemus Wed, 27 Apr 2005 00:00:00 GMT Believe it or not but I believe that coming here is helping in my healing process. I am so appreciative of everyone's kindness and compassion and it helps to talk to others who have been through the same thing that I'm going through. I had such a bad day yesterday. I cried A LOT! I called my dad last night and I was trying to be so brave. But then he told me that a committee that my mom belonged to sent him $100 and I started bawling. I couldn't even talk to my dad, I had to hang up the phone. And today was a different story. I didn't actually cry today, I just teared up a lot. On a couple of occassions I could talk about mom without my eyes watering so I figured I was doing good. But then we went to my mother in laws house tonight and alls I could think about was 'how unfair is this to my mom?' I felt so guilty being there knowing that I won't be able to share moments like that with my mom ever again. My mom meant a lot to me and my family but my mom could be an extremely difficult person. We knew for years that my mother had some mental issues that were never clinically diagnosed or taken care of for that matter. And sometimes mom made it very stressful to be around her. But I still loved her cuz she was my mom. She could be your best friend one minute and be your worst enemy the next and that's what made her mom. I took care of her and stroked her hair and put lotion on her radiation burns. I helped put her makeup on. I also teased her and helped her make light of her baggy pants and saggy skin. ANd I held her so tight when she was dying. I kept kissing her hands and crying and telling her that I was gonna be okay. but I lied becuz I wanted her to think that it was okay for her to die. I play that day over and over in my head. I know the pain that you both have been having. I wish that I could've met you all under different, happier circumstances. But thank you from the bottom of my heart for being here at this moment in my life. Heath74 Thu, 28 Apr 2005 00:00:00 GMT I also just lost my Momma. She was diagnosed with lung cancer (adenocarcinoma) in Sept. of 2002. 2/3 of her lung was removed, she did the whole chemo and radiation thing and everything looked great. She gave me away at my wedding in April of 2003 - little bald head and all! I LOVE THE PICTURES! She was checked (scanned, etc.) routinely. I was with my husband and his family in Boston for Christmas (2004). Momma started feeling really bad the day after Christmas. Of course, being the way she was, every time I talked to her on the phone, she was "Just fine!" We came back home to North Carolina a couple days after New Year's - to find that she had so much pain in her legs she couldn't walk. She had been losing weight, we knew, but didn't know the extent. She was 5'10" and when we admitted her to the hospital in early January, she weighed 78 pounds. She was released after 10 days, and we brought her home. She wasn't doing any better, and by this time the walker was put away, and we got a wheelchair, oxygen, the works. We took her for another scan on January 24, 2005, and were told on the 28th that it was in both lungs, behind her heart, all in her abdomen, and also had spread to her brain. At that point, there was nothing to be done. Thank God I just live across the street. I just moved back in with the folks to look after her. On Valentine's Day morning, she was sleeping with her head tilted to the side and blood just started flowing from her mouth. We called the ambulance, she was admitted again. We were told that the bleeding was not unusual, in her case. She came home (with Hospice) that Friday, the 18th, and Sunday morning a little after 9:00 a.m., with me and my Dad there, she just slipped away. She was not afraid to die - said she KNEW where she was going, she was just worried about us. That Saturday, she wanted to see her grandbabies. Oh, how she perked up when she woke up and they were there! Her eyes just sparkled. She talked to them, and loved on them. The littlest, the only girl, was sitting on Momma's potty chair just squealing "Mammaw!", and jumping up and down. It was wonderful. A couple of hours after they left, we were having to try to give her sips with a straw, the way you do with babies. She didn't take very much, just a little bit for me and a little for my brother. That night, she woke up pretty well. I was scared she was in pain - she hadn't taken anything for it since early morning, and she took her medicine, even did a breathing treatment for me. After that, she never really woke up again (with clarity). About 10 minutes before she died, I noticed her hair was in her face, and brushed it back with my hand. She just snuggled her head into my hand. I will never forget that. And then she was gone. She was the rock of our family. If she had made it until May, her and my Daddy would have been married 45 years. She was 66. We are all so lost without her. Not a day goes by that I don't cry. I've been helping Daddy with all the paperwork and everything. We finally got everyone the information they need and what's not already done is being processed. Two days ago, Daddy came home from the V.A. Hospital, and YES - LIGHTNING DOES STRIKE TWICE. He has a huge mass of what the doctors say can only be cancer behind his left kidney. So...here we go again. My sanity is already walking that thin line - antidepressants and anti-anxiety medicines. I just don't know how strong I can be. Momma knew that my brother and my Dad couldn't handle talking about the "details" that have to be talked about, so I would sit with her with a notebook and write everything down. We had moved an easy chair with a lamp/table at the foot of her bed. We would sit and talk to her, or just watch her sleep. When she'd take her pain medicine, or if she was just sleepy, she'd ask me to just sit there so she could look at me until she fell asleep. It's just remarkable to me, after reading all your stories, how similar things are. My grief is almost overwhelming, and now I'm worried to death about my Dad. Thanks for listening, Lori Rainybrain Fri, 29 Apr 2005 00:00:00 GMT I am so sorry to hear of your story. I was standing in the card aisle at the grocery store looking for mother's day cards for my grandmothers and I saw all those cards that say mother and I wish I could give her one more card. The one that made me start to cry was the cards to "daughter from your mother" I realized that I would never get one from her either. She passed on 12-09-04 and this past Christmas really sucked. I was Christmas shopping and hiding all my kids presents in her closet and I wonder if she was hurting emotionally watching me bring in those presents knowing she couldn't be there for her grandson that Christmas. I didn't care one bit about Christmas this year but unfortunately you have to keep up the whole Santa thing when you have a 6 year old and the 12 and 14 yr. old just care about presents and no matter what trauma happens, they are so self absorbed by that age. I am actually surprised that I got through that whole day without completely breaking down. Two of my mother's sisters really turned on me after my mother died and I still haven't talked to one to this day. They had some very selfish things to say to me like, "They are the ones suffering because they lost their sister." As if, I am doing just great! I am an only child who just lost my only support system and my entire world. Me and my mother were a team and we took care of each other. I felt like the loneliest person in the world. I am married and have 4 kids but my husband is very loyal and he loves me but he isn't the most emotional person in the world so it is hard to really look for comfort in him. He is more like my 4th kid. So there are days when I feel like I am on a deserted island. My dad came to my mom's funeral but he lives in California and I live in Texas. He was so sad and he cried at the funeral. They had been divorced since I was a baby but remained best friends. I think she still loved him until the very end. She would never admit that because she was a very strong woman. She was very successful in the business world and she was the rock of her family. All her siblings went to her when they need her advice. If you go on mem.com and type in the last name White then look for Connie White there is a slide show or you can play the movie and it has a biography of her. It is a great place to memorialize someone. There is also an organization that is building a cancer monument for people who have fought cancer, whether living or not. The site is called TheCancerMonument.org and you can pay $135.00 and they will inscribe your mother's name in the wall. It is like the Vietnam Monument. It will be built in Allen Texas. The crazy thing is, we are building a house and it will be right across the street in this beautiful park. Of all the places to build it in this country and it is right next door to me. I believe so much more in fate after everything I have been through and seen this past 5 months. Things happen for a reason and we might not like it but there is a greater purpose. I ask God ," why he had to take my mom?" I don't want anything in return for that. I don't want anything but my mom but when I look back at certain things and realize that if one thing would've been different in my past, all the good that came later would've never happened. I feel pain everyday but then again, I am serving a purpose here to share my story and help others. I have been filled with so much more compassion since she died. I have a completely different outlook on life and take nothing for granted. I learned a lot and was relieved of my worst fear, dying. I don't fear that anymore becuz I will get to be with her again. If you don't have this pain, then you never had that great love. I am glad to have had that love even if it was too short. Jodemus Fri, 29 Apr 2005 00:00:00 GMT Doesn't it hurt so bad? Seriously, I compared this to giving birth. Yes, giving birth hurt physically but losing my mom hurts mentally. I'm absolutely drained. My youngest daughter has double ear infection, pink eye and a cold. So I'm putting up with a cranky child, my sister gets married next weekend so I'm helping her to finish everything, I am swamped at work and alls I can think about is the fact that my mom is gone. I kind of realized something today; my mom left us becuz her body was too weak to fight anymore. I don't blame her one bit but the reasons why she chose to leave must've been really unselfish becuz the reasons for her being her were really important. And she knew how important she was to us. She always figured that she was being a burden on all of us. That she was "bothering" us. We reminded her everyday that we were a family and that families stick together no matter what. It's so weird now that I drive past the clinic and the hospital and that I don't have to stop there. I had gotten so used to being there this past year that it all seemed so routine. A friend of mine had surgery today and his wife asked me to stop by and I told her that I honestly couldn't do it. I feel that I don't have the strength to go in there again. Too many bad memories. Heath74 Fri, 29 Apr 2005 00:00:00 GMT I wrote to the other person in the next message about how I had to go get mother's day cards for my grandmothers and I almost lost it in the grocery store when I saw the cards "from a mother to a daughter" I realized that I would never get a card from her again. I wish I could give her one more card. I sleep with her pajamas that she had on when she died becuz I figured her spirit passed through them and my husband and kids have accidentally washed them like 5 times mow and I can still smell her. I also gave her a throw blanket that had a poem wrtten in it and my name embroidered on it for mother's day one year and she kept it over her the whole time. I have that on my bed and next to my bed is a curio cabinet with a keepsake urn with a small part of her ashes in it and all of her favorite things in the cabinet as well and a huge picture and it is of her smiling her famous smile. I remember holding her hands while sitting next to her bed and studing every little detail of her face and her skin texture. Which by the way, she had the softest skin and always did. It was the skin that the rest of us pay a lot of money in skin care products to obtain. Unfortunately I got my dads skin, oily! If you go to mem.com and type in the last name White and the find Connie White then you can see her. I have compiled a movie and a slide show of her life. It is nice to have that site to go to but then again I always end up bawling. She was such an awsome mom. She raised me as a single mother and at the same time she was so successful in her industry. I just got promted at work and I took it for her. She would've definatly wanted me to. I am a very independant woman like she was but she was so smart and driven. I always thought that I would never be able to achieve what she did and even though I might not, I have this new drive since she died and I have achieved so much these last few months and it makes me wonder if it is her or me doping it. I never had been this brave to accept this kind of responsibility at work and I just went for it. I told her the day that she died that it was time for her to go becuz she had held on way too long that it was cruel to her and to me. I told her to remember how she took huge risks in her life and went after what she wanted even when she was scared to death to do it. I told her that this is just another one of those huge steps. The biggest leap of faith she would ever have to make. I told her that she always took that step no metter what and she can do this one too. She wasn't responding by that point but I know she heard me because she died that night at 5:41 p.m. I had the other craziest thing happen to me for 2 years. I was born on 10-18 and for 2 years everytime I happed to look at a digital clock it would always just happen to be 10:18. It bfreaked me out and I told everyone that something bad was gonna happen to be on my birthday but everyone of course thought I was crazy. Then that year my birthday rolled around and my husband admitted to having an affair and he just thought it would be a wise thing to tell me on my birthday. Then this past year it was happening again and I am like, "oh great what next!?" Well my birthday passed with no incidents, thank God. Then my mother died on 12-09-2004 that year and I was sitting in the bathtub on Christmas night after seeing the clock say 10-18 and I was like, "What is it suppossed to mean?" Then for what ever reason I added up the numbers of the time she died 5:41 which is 5+4+1= 10 Then she died on 12-09-2004 which if you add those numbers seperatly it equals 18. So there you go 10-18. I jumped out of the bathtub and called my cousin who was freaked out about the year before and what happened to me and she was telling me that it was so wierd. I never see 10:18 on the clock anymore than maybe once in a blue moon. I have so many stories like that especially since my mother has passed. I know she is there when I need her the most. That is what keeps me sane most of the time. I am lucky to have these moments with her presence. Jodemus Fri, 29 Apr 2005 00:00:00 GMT You guys don't know how much it means to me to have found you. I seriously wonder sometimes if I'm mentally stable anymore. I, too, keep thinking about Mother's Day. I was not able to have children, but I have a stepson. All I can think about is that this year, I'll have to wear a white corsage instead of red. My birthday is May 9th - I made my Momma a Momma on Mother's Day - they tried for 9 years before they got me, and then my brother came along almost immediately. I used to make the corsages for me, my Momma, and my Mammaw to wear on Mother's Day. We lost Mammaw in late 2003, so last year, Momma was the one who had to change to a white flower. Now it's my turn. And it breaks my heart. I'm crying as I type this - keep having to make corrections. My husband is a very caring, supportive man, but by his own admission, he's never faced a loss of this magnitude and doesn't understand what I feel. I told him I hope it's a long, long time before he does have to deal with anything like this. Thank you all for listening, for replying, and for your support. I hope you know how much it means to me. I just feel so ALONE. Thanks again, Lori Rainybrain Sat, 30 Apr 2005 00:00:00 GMT Yes, Mother's Day this year is going to be very tough -- I also lost my mother during Christmas and I feel like that holiday will forever be ruined. I took my mother to the ER two days before Christmas 2004 because she was having trouble finding the thermostate in her house. I thought she had a stroke - but guess what? She had brain cancer - a large inoperable tumor that took up almost 1/4 of her head. She was in the hospital for two weeks and since she opted not to take treatment (it would not cure her anyway, they said -- only prolong her life by max of 6 months if she was lucky) On Christmas Day, I had to get up and make dinner for my family and my brother and sister who were visiting. My kids are 8,8, and 10, so we still had to do the Santa thing too. It was unbelievable -- we are went in to see my mother around 3PM and brought her a small lighted tree and exchanged gifts -- I couldn't give her most of the gifts -- I had bought lots of books because she loved to read, but the tumor had taken away her ability to read. I also gave her a spring jacket which we both knew she would never wear -- what a Christmas. On January 15th, after being home for only 10 days she passed away -- but not peacefully. She had been in some discomfort the whole time. She had bowel cramps which hospice could not seem to alleviate. The night she died, she woke up and we thought she was vomiting, but nothing came out. Her last words were "Oh dear God..." and she went to sleep. I believe she was in a coma -- she died about 4 hours later without ever waking up. Brain cancer is the scariest, most terrifying cancer to get -- not only does it kill you, but it destroys who you are -- I will never be able to forget what my mother went through and the sheer terror she felt when diagnosed. I think that the way that she died bothers me more than the fact that she died -- does that make sense....and now with Mother's Day looming it will all seem worse.... Mhop53 Sat, 30 Apr 2005 00:00:00 GMT I realized today that I can't even go to Marshall Fields (a dept. store where I live). My mom and I went into one right before Easter this year and she wasn't feeling all that well, so I was pushing her around in a wheelchair. And boy did we shop! We bought so much stuff that day, and we had a blast doing it! Well today I went into one, not even the same store, and I started panicking becuz mom loved that store. Every where I looked it was Mother's day this and Mother's day that... I told my oldest daughter not to get me anything this year becuz it seems unfair that Nana can't be here to get anything for mother's day. Well a little later my daughter starts crying saying how much she misses Nana, and then I cry too. We're walking around the mall crying together. I swear that my sister seems like she's doing so good, she told me the other day that she grieves privately at home. I couldn't understand that. Who grieves privately? Why can't we show our emotions? Like walking around the mall crying for instance! I told my husband that my sister acts so weird about this. Her wedding is next week and it doesn't even bother her that mom is not going to be there to enjoy it. Our mother just passed away last week and my sister can't wait for her wedding. I know that life has to go on, but I can not bear the thought of mom not being at the wedding. So much for celebrating. Ya know, now that I look back to a year ago and everything in between... it never occured to me that my mom was going to die. Yeah, when we first found out my initial thoughts were; what's the prognosis for this type of cancer? And I researched it online and found out that most patients only lived 3 to 5 years. Well then we came to find out that that news was years ago and that they are making great progress in putting multiple myeloma into remission. So for the remainder of the year I never thought I didn't have much time left. I couldn't have imagined only having mom for 3 short weeks. But it's like you said, cancer is such a brutal disease. A friend of mines mother passed away from brain cancer and I know it progressed very quickly. My mom's cancer wasn't supposed to progress quickly, but it went out of control. Instead of the year I got I wish I would've gotten 3 to 5 years. I wish I would've known then, what I know now. I know I say this in every posting but I miss my mom so much. I feel like this is a nightmare that I'm not waking up from. And every single day I only get out of bed knowing that my two kids need me. I'm having such a hard time understanding why my mom is gone now. I often find myself thinking 'well, 3 weeks ago mom was still here' so why isn't she here now? Research often shows that they have no definate reasoning as to how people develop multiple myeloma, but what did my mom do that made her get cancer? She did not deserve this. Heath74 Sat, 30 Apr 2005 00:00:00 GMT Hi All, I have been interested in everyone's experiences. My Mom died from colon cancer on July 10, 2003. She had been diagnosed in April of the same year. In three short months she aged a hundred years and took her last breath. It is good to know that others are having similar feelings of bereftment. I sometimes forget that others have experiences similar to mine,even though I'm a nurse and I see things like this everyday. I too have felt my Mom's presence now and again. Its alwaysmore subtle than i want it to be, but its there. One word real quick about grieving....Some people do grieve alone. Peopleexperience grief in many different ways and even though they arenot outwardlyshedding tears, it doesn't mean they are not sad and greiving. I have had it said to me alot that time will heal. I have found that it does take the sting away, but i still feel bruised. This Mom's day is hard....My mom and I always sent cards to each other, several times a year for no good reason. I really miss that. But I look often at all the cards she has sent to me. Yesterday in a small shop I came across some great cards and thought of my Mom immediately...I bought a ton of them andI intend to send them to my Aunts and my Grammys. This is an example of how I feel my Mom's presence. I try to honor my sadness and grieving for my Mom as part of my unique lifes experience. Part of me still can't believe that she is gone, and will never understand why she had die the way she did. Thank you all for experiences, and for beinga sounding board for my own. Thanks Beckyrn Sun, 01 May 2005 00:00:00 GMT I understand the whole feeling of getting up for your kids is the only reason left to get up at all. I told my mom the day or two before she died that if it wasn't for my son I would just go with her. I never had to do anything in life without her there or her guidance in some way. It is literally like being a baby bird and falling out of the nest too early. I feel like I am wounded and there is no one to rescue me. That is a very hard thing to cope with. We had them there with us from birth, so we have never had to feel this feeling of lonliness ever before. We all feel alone sometimes but we have that blanket of security. Then when we lose our mother that blanket is gone and you discover a whole new depth of lonliness that you never knew was there before and you wish you could have that other feeling back becuz it wasn't that bad in looking back. I can only say that this is our life cycle and for some it is harsher by the way we lose someone or the timing in which we lose someone. Life is completely unfair and I've learned to live with that. In regards to your sister and the excitement for her wedding, the only thing I can say is that your mother would've wanted her to be happy right now and you never know if your mom has a part in protecting her right now from sadness. When my mom died, I planned the whole funeral and packed up her apartment and celebrated christmas then bought a brand new house to be built, which will be completed at the end of this month and took on a new position and so on and so on, but when it is all back to normal, I am scared of what might come out. Before she died she looked at everyone and told them there future as if she could she it and believe me that isn't like her at all. She was very fact driven and logical so it made it even more strange. But anyways, she looked at me and said that I will be here a long time becuz I had lots to do and then she looked back at me a couple seconds later and she said, oh my you are a very busy person in life. I thought, that's great, I am already tired! She kept pushing something away from my head though, as if there was something over me that she thought shouldn't be there. The scary part is she told my uncle the day of his death and my aunt was told she had too much smoke in her lungs and was having problems and she is now. She would tell me about the spirits that were there. Like I said, things happen for a reason and we talked about what she wanted me to do with my life and it is all coming in to play like she is controling my fate. I guess that is why I am coping. I know she is still all around me. I hate not having the physical her to hug and kiss and go shopping with and out to dinner with. She finally retired and moved next to me and all my children went to school all day. We were suppossed to have time together now. All her life she worked and traveled and then I had 3 kids and moved away and now she is gone. That is the resentment I have. Never take time for granted. Jodemus Sun, 01 May 2005 00:00:00 GMT I think our moms are a lot alike. My mom was a strong and independent woman who didn't take crap from nobody. She was so smart and enjoyed a challenge. She loved to laugh and have a good time. She especially loved her family and we all knew it. She used to get real upset during her treatments becuz she didn't like not being in control or having people wait on her. She really left my dad in a pickle becuz now he's turning to us kids to help him organize and pay the bills or figure out the check book and all of the little things that mom used to do. My husbands birthday was a week ago on Sunday and my dad forgot it. Well this past Sunday my dad took him out and bought him his birthday present and dad said that mom would've killed him if he forgot our birthdays. So now dad wants a calendar with all the important dates for him to remember. Dad's not any good at that kind of stuff, probably cuz mom was so anal about everything that she took over when he tried to do it. I know what you also mean about the loneliness. Growing up there were so many times that I wished my mom away but I would give anything, ANYTHING to have her here again. I call over to my mom and dads house when I know that my dad won't be there just so I can hear my mom's voice on the answering machine. I hope my dad never changes it. My dad told my sister the other day that there are some things of mom's that he would like to give us and he want's me to have a ring of hers. My mom bought a 2 1/2 carat diamond ring right after her stem cell transplant and she reasoned it by saying that she had been through A LOT and that she deserved it. And yes, she truly did deserve it for all of her hard work. I cried and cried some more when I found out that my dad wants me to have it. I think it will be a long time before I'm able to even wear it. Heath74 Mon, 02 May 2005 00:00:00 GMT I have a lot of things from my mother.....some make me feel good and some make me feel sad, so I know what you mean when you say you don't know if you can wear the ring. I have two gold bracelets that my mother wore every day and her cross and medal on a gold chain. All three of them I removed from her the day I took her to the emergency room and she was diagnosed with her tumor. I keep them with me always....my mother loved cats and had lots of ceramic cats, etc. in her house. My son, who is 8, wanted to go to Grammy's and get the cats -- he now has several in his room. My dad is alone now and every time I have to visit him, it reopens the wound -- I see my mother's things in her house and it looks like she should be there -- I have gotten rid of all the really personal stuff that no one will use, but everything else is still there...it is so sad to see her home without her in it....as kids, my brother, sister and I always said it wasn't home without mum. She was what made it warm and welcoming and now only the shell is left...I am getting better at dealing with my grief, but I am sure that you find that it hits at odd times, just when you think you have started to get in control -- I can truly relate to what everyone here is going through -- and it helps to be able to talk about it --- the world at large doesn't care or understand... M Mhop53 Tue, 03 May 2005 00:00:00 GMT You said everything exactly how I feel about going over to mom and dad's house. I wanna be able to go over there and see my dad but I can't even drive past their house w/o crying. When I'm in the house it's like I look for mom to be there. I see all of her stuff and it's decorated the way she wanted it to be. The house was too big for the two of them and now it's just my dad there. They haven't lived in this house that long, but this was going to be their final house. It was my mom's dream house. My dad says he wants to stay living there but to be honest I secretly wish he would move so I didn't have to have such a hard time going over there. But I know that my mom would've wanted him to stay there. And he would do anything for her. When I'm out in public sometimes I feel like everyone can see that I'm hurting, like they know that my mom just died but yet they don't do anything to help me. Becuz everyone is so wrapped up in their own lives and they are all in such a hurry. I've watched two lives be born and now I've watched a life die. Life is too short to be in a hurry. After the funeral is done and family and friends go home and then you never hear from them unless something else happens. Our customers at work have sent cards and called giving their sympathy but then in the next breath they only wanna know when their job is getting done. Now it's two weeks later and I'm still here trying to pick up the pieces of my broken heart. And where is everyone else? I had a friend, who is kind of selfish person, ask if I was "feeling like my old self again". I think it will be a long time before I feel like myself again. I called up my estranged cousins and aunt whom I used to be really close with and made peace with them. And they came to my mom's funeral and now we email everyday and talk on the phone almost every other day. I'm constantly asking my nephew to come over becuz I love having him around. I want my time here on earth to be surrounded by the people I love. And to do so many things with them. Reading the newspaper can wait, the house will always need cleaning, and I can watch tv when the kids are asleep. Becuz for now I want to spend as much time as I can with the ones I love. Heath74 Tue, 03 May 2005 00:00:00 GMT I guess I don't have that pain in walking back into her house. I did at first before I got her apartment packed up. I would go over there alone at night and just sit there and cry. It was like I was waiting for her to appear. She never did, thank god, it probably would have scared me to death at that point. But I have all her stuff packed floor to ceiling in my garage right now. We are having a house built and it will be ready to be moved into by the end of this month. I made sure it had two living rooms and two dining areas and an extra bedroom just so I could have her stuff out and in use. She worked her butt off to acquire her beautiful things and I don't want them given away or packed away. I wrote a beautiful poem with a picture of me in front of her plaque at the cemetery and I wrote in the poem that I would give God my life to hug her one more time and that this Mother's Day and from now on will be my angel's day. She is now my angel who flies above me ever so beautiful. It is really hard this week with all the celebrating of mothers but our are more then just mothers now, they are truly God's angels. Jodemus Wed, 04 May 2005 00:00:00 GMT Hello, again, everyone. Wow! You guys freaked me out with some MORE similarities: As the only daughter, my Dad gave me my Momma's jewelry. I've worn it since the night of the "visitation" - or wake or whatever. That was a tough day - I did Momma's makeup for her because I didn't want them putting a whole lot of stuff on her she never wore in the first place - thought I was going to fall out a time or two, but a cousin came by for support - we live in a really small NC town. The only pieces I wear except ONCE IN A WHILE are her wedding set - kind of unusal because they were married in 1960 - yellow gold was in then, and her's are white gold - when I married in 2003, I just got a wide-ish plain white gold band - they look like they were made to go together - those are the ones I've worn since that night. My Mom also took care of all their financial dealings, so now I'm making sure Daddy's bills are paid, set him up a filing system, he kind-of wants to learn, but seems to doze off in the middle - so I don't mind - that's the work I did before I became disabled. Sometimes my brother has to help me get things through to him, though. He thought he'd be destitute, when in fact, she made sure he'd be comfortable and made sure to tell me about it while she had me writing in that dang notebook. I feel like a heel tonight - I just remembered and told my husband (can't keep up with dates like this - does well with birthdays & anniversaries, though) that we've got to think of something for his Mom when we go shopping tomorrow. His response was "Oh, Mother's Day is THIS Sunday?" - but if Momma were here, I know I would have already made their cards and bought their gifts by this time. I really appreciate everyone's views. So many similarities.........unreal. Right now I'm about to fall asleep, so I'm shutting up, but hope to talk with y'all more later. Lori Rainybrain Wed, 04 May 2005 00:00:00 GMT So did everyone survive mother's day? I was kinda sad for me all day. I took flowers to the cemetary and then went home and painted my kids room. I guess I could have just relaxed but that probably would have ended up with me crying in bed all day long listening to her Neil Diamond cd's. So I kept busy. My husband and kids took me for dinner and then I got sad and I cried myself to sleep. My husband just held me. My son slept in my bed too because I didn't want to be alone. I am so glad that day is over. We did watch that movie meet the fockers. It was very funny so that was 2 hours of some laughter. I hope everyone else got through it ok. There will be a lot of firsts this year and if we can get through them then we are doing ok. Jodemus Mon, 09 May 2005 00:00:00 GMT Hello everyone! Happy Mother's Day a day late to all you Moms. I was kind-of glad to see someone else having a hard time with Mother's Day. Saturday afternoon, I went to my Mammaw's old homeplace -got red rose buds (and a few flowers - the old-timey kind that smell sooooo good!) - and some of her snowball bush flowers for me (like I said, my first year wearing the white flowers) -made flowers for my Dad and my husband with the red, the snow-balls started falling apart, and I guess so did I. Didn't go to church. Already had all my clothes laid out, and didn't go. Made me sick to my stomach to think about it. I live right across from their old house, and couldn't bring myself to go to the cemetery. She's more in that house across the road than she is in any dang graveyard. I'd put out some pretty flowers the week before. but could not bring myself to go the gravesite yesterday. We went to my inlaws' and ate a wonderful dinner - they gave me my birthday card a day early -beautiful card, but I just couldn't get with the program. Ended up drinking beer - not good with the meds I'm on, and I can't explain it. Anyway, yesterday was Mother's Day, today is my birthday, and I just pulled my birthday cake out of the oven. I just can't help but think, me and Momma would have spent the day just window-shopping, maybe getting a few flowers, and she'd take me wherever I wanted to lunch. Last time, it was the What-A-Burger! She would have me a homemade chocolate cake with white icing - I just made myself a poundcake - but at least it's something! Well, better get going. Thanks for "listening", as always. Lori Rainybrain Mon, 09 May 2005 00:00:00 GMT My sister got married out of state this past weekend so we went and had an outstanding time. I did really good up until my dad gave a toast to my mom and then I started crying in the bar. We all did good, my dad, sister, brother and I. We got through it for my sister's sake and becuz we're a family. My mom helped my sister plan a lot of the wedding before she died so you really felt a lot of my mom when we were there. But still it also really felt like she was missing. Then we came home on Sunday and I was a bear! I had had a little too much fun at my sister's reception so I wasn't feeling all that well and being it was mother's day and all and it was like we left everything here and went away for the weekend, had fun and then came home and had to pick up where we left off. Reality hit me and it was like 'oh, that's right, I was sad when I was here'. Went to the cemetary with my dad, brother, husband, nephew and daughters and alls we all did was stand there and cry. We tried to tell my mom all about the wedding but it was too hard. Then I know my husband got mad at me cuz I didn't want to go over to his mom's house and "celebrate" mother's day. He just didn't get it. There are so many things I wanted to tell my mom at the cemetary but whenever I go over there I just cry and cry. My dad told me that he had a rough night last night. Today is 3 weeks since mom died and dad hadn't erased all of the messages on his answering machine, well he had like 30. And one of them was from mom. Heath74 Tue, 10 May 2005 00:00:00 GMT So, I'm a gloomy gus today. Yesterday I didn't cry and I thought 'wow, this is good a whole day without crying' well i more then made up for it today. It drives me crazy that I can not pick up the phone and call my mom to ask her a question or tell her a funny story. Twice the past two days I actually thought of calling her. And twice I was reminded that I can't. I saw the nurse today who was working in the ER the morning my mom died. And he was the one who told us that she was gone. That brought back so many memories. He walked past my sister and I in the grocery store and I expected him to say something to us but he didn't. He probably sees so many people a day that why should our faces look any different? My heart fell to my knees when I saw him. It was like it brought back that day all over again. To top it off it was raining just like the day mom died. Thankfully it wasn't on a Tuesday or I would've had a heart attack. My brother said he gets really peeved when he sees people that don't know mom died and they ask him "hey, how's your mom doing?" I just find myself getting really peeved with people in general. Somebody doesn't have to even do anything wrong and I ticked off at 'em for walking to slow or standing too close to me in line. It's almost better off if I'm not out in public. Heath74 Thu, 12 May 2005 00:00:00 GMT Yes, sometimes you will have gloomy days. I have them too. Some days I do OK and I think I can feel better and then it hits you. I talked to my mother every day on the phone and saw her at least once or twice a week - and now she is gone. I feel like I have no one to tell things to -- just the small things that only mothers care about. I also know what you mean about being in public. I am getting better, but you know what really pisses me off - it's not very nice. If I see someone who looks really old, I think what are you doing alive. My mother was 78, but looked 65 and she's dead -- how can someone who looks 85 be walking around? It's not nice, but it's how I feel. Sunday will be 4 months since my mother died....how can it be that I haven't seen my mother in 4 months....and just think how much longer stretches ahead of me....the only thing I can say that is a little better is that the horror of her death and how she suffered is fadomg a little - it will never go away completely and I will always miss her, but I no longer think of all the bad stuff continually -only sometimes during the day instead of constantly...hang in there....we all know how bad it is... Mhop53 Fri, 13 May 2005 00:00:00 GMT Once again, you said some of the things that I feel too. I see families out together and it makes me angry that these women have their mothers and I don't. I will look at a woman who looks like she is my mom's age and think, 'how come you're still living and my mom's not?' And I know that it is not even remotely their fault but it just all seems so unfair that we are all still living and our mother's aren't. Like I think it's unfair of me to be eating when my mom can't or that it's unfair of me to be breathing when I watched my mom struggle for her last breath. It's almost one month that she's been gone and I think that down the road in maybe a couple of years I will still think it's unfair becuz mom missed out on so much. I have never felt so alone as I do now. Although I am surrounded by my family and friends, I feel like there is the gigantic emptiness around me. Heath74 Sat, 14 May 2005 00:00:00 GMT I lost my mom to cancer when I was 18. It will 5 years this Thursday. She was diagnosed with lung cancer but ultimately it spread to her brain and she died peacefully while in a coma. But there was nothing peaceful about the 9 months that it took my mom to wither away to a shadow of herself. It seems somehow surreal that it's been 5 years already. I somehow don't ever think that the years will take away the shock that she isn't with me anymore...but one thing I do know is that everytime I look into the mirror I see her looking back at me, everytime I hear my voice I hear the echo of hers. Our mothers never really leave us, because there will always be something of them within us...that is something that has given me peace and comfort. She will always be with me...just like your mother will always be with you. Sandy23 Mon, 16 May 2005 00:00:00 GMT Dear Sandy, I'm so sorry. Tomorrow will be a rough day for you. Please know I'll be praying for you. It's been just over 4 months since I lost Momma, but it seems like yesterday. Just lost my brother-in-law to cancer on June 16, the day of your post. Keep your faith, and know that there's someone out there praying for you! Lori Rainybrain Wed, 22 Jun 2005 00:00:00 GMT I lost my Daddy after a seven year battle of throat cancer. He passed Feb. 28th exactly 1 week before his 70th birthday. My husband and I were his caregivers during his battle. Everytime I don't think I can find the strength to keep going Daddy pops into my mind. I know it his him telling me he is ok. Just like the other day i was going to the grocery store getting stuff for tacos and thinking of it when as plain as day i saw him in the kitchen shaking his onions on to the taco (he never used hands or spoon)we always used to laugh about it. I know in my heart that he was trying to tell me he's ok and that it is ok to go on laughing without him, but it is so hard. I always think that my Daddy is back home visiting his Sister and will be coming home at anytime but he hasn't. I kind of thought that watching him suffer so bad the last 6 months would make it a little easier but gosh it has not. Sometimes i get so mad wondering why him, then I start to think of how much he suffered. And how I would never wish that on anyone. It is so hard I am trying to find some place for support. I am sorry I rambled. Thanks for listening. Thoughts are with all. Dena Denabug Sat, 23 Jul 2005 00:00:00 GMT I lost my mom the 18th of December 2005 she died in my arms, she was diagnosed with cancer four yrs ago and i had to lose her in that suffering way.I dont think i will ever forget that day what hurts most is the house just being there her room , her clothes, her scent is still in that room and that just totures me for now i am ok the only thing that bothers me is my brother cause he doesnt speak about it and it looks like he's ok but i know he isnt i have my days when i am ok and i have my days when i just wish she was there i am so scared for the future cause i know she is not going to be there to see her grandchildren and just any event that is coming up i am also very angry for her cause i think she just needed to stay strong one more day then again i just feel slefish cause i knew and i saw the pain she was in i am just so confused maybe because it its to soon after her death Leesel Wed, 25 Jan 2006 00:00:00 GMT Hi How old r u ? Ijust wanna say i know how you feel i lost my mother a month ago and im only 15 years old..its really hard cuz i wanted her to see my childs later and my sister and brother's too...and she didnt saw my graduation and she saw my siblings one...its really hard i miss her so much im only fifteen and i need her im so young...at least i have my sister and she is gonna replace a bit my mom but no one will replace my mom...i miss her so much...please write me back...thx bye Melato Fri, 23 Jun 2006 00:00:00 GMT I am so sorry about your Mother. I lost mine on January 25, 2002. I was 48, too young to be without her, if you know what I mean. You think they will always be here. It is now 4 1/2 years later, and I want you to know that it is still just as hard, but different. My mother didn't have cancer. She suffered just the same....for 5 years....and she didn't want to leave us either. I fought for so long to get the memories of her last week out of my head just long enough to sleep through a nite. I struggled and I ached so badly that I didn't want to live without her. (I kept these feelings inside...no one knew. Everyone thought I was doing so well.) I thought things would never get better. I want you to know that they do. I still ache, I still struggle, but not with the bad memories and the suffering, and not to find answers. I can finally think of her with sweetness and love, and not the suffering. I see God's plan in the way things happened, and I feel his comfort and love. She would have wanted that. She loved me so much that she wouldn't want me to suffer forever without her. I ask God to let me feel her hand on my cheek, her kiss on my forehead, hear her voice....anything to know she is still with me. As close as we were, I would expect to be able to do that. But it never happens. I know how much she loved me, and therefore, I know she is with me. She wouldn't have left us without making that deal with God. Everytime I see a creature of God's, a bloom, a sunset, hear one of her favorite songs, look at my hands, hear her words come flying out of my mouth, see her smile in the mirror....I know she is right by my side...loving me still....forever. My struggle gets easier, the ache duller, the sweetness and love greater. Time doesn't heal, but it definitely makes us stronger---and wiser. I hope I have helped ease your pain some, and given you hope and peace for a good nite's sleep. We are sisters in our loss. The hardest thing I have ever had to experience is the loss of my Mom. I told her a part of me would always be with her, and a part of her would always be with me. That's how we lived.....that's how I go on. Your pain will ease, the sweetness will grow, your love for each other will shine brighter. It does get better. Just hold on. I love you, Sister, and I am praying for you. Connie Shespartofme Wed, 13 Sep 2006 00:00:00 GMT  On 2/12/2005 Jodemus wrote:I took care of my mother during the end of her battle with pancreatic cancer. She was perfectly capable of taking care of herself until 11-04. She went into the hospital after the 2nd bad reaction to chemo. She was diagnosed in 2-02. She had the whipple and everything was fine. The tumor showed back up this august and they tried a new chemo but it was just too harsh for her. She went home on hospice 11-13-04. I watched her turn into a child from a very strong and independant woman. I watched the most amazing spititual experiences. I was completely calmed about death. The last 4 days is the only time when we couldn't communicate. Even though I am not sure just how lucid our conversations played out in her mind. She couldn't eat the last 2 weeks and she lost so much weight. The hardest part was watching her body deteriorate. It was a total of 3 weeks and it seemed to drag on forever during that time but looking back, it was so quick. I wanted to to go because I couldn't bare to watch her suffer. She was so ready to go also. She was so funny at times because she kept asking what to do next so she could die. I told her that I don't think God is going to allow someone up there who is more controlling than him up there. She only wanted certain people around but of course everyone was there. The strange thing was, was that the only people she wanted around were there when she passed. I think she saw that and decided that she better go now. I guess she never gave up control after all. I have had very strange experiences since she has passed and I am convinced that it is her making things happen. We discussed certain things before she died and I truely believe that they are still around after they are gone. Has anyone else out there felt their loved one around? Jodi B.  The strange thing was, was that the only people she wanted around were there when she passed. I think she saw that and decided that she better go now. I guess she never gave up control after all.  My mom did the same thing, she passed away June 13 of this year. And the house was filled, at 9 the house cleared out and at 10:10 pm she died.  I have been watching for some stuff to happen as well and it does. I can so relate to everything that you wrote. Noone knows how we feel, I am more comfortable around people who understand then even my friends and even they shyed away from me in my moms last few months. If you want to chat please let me know, take care. Melinda Fri, 08 Dec 2006 00:00:00 GMT that was beautiful...i just lost my mom 3 weeks ago....still so hard Daizimae19 Tue, 24 Apr 2007 00:00:00 GMT dear helpful,I really feel connected to what you experience. I lost my mum 11 years ago from brain cancer. The sad and painful thing is that I still sometimes miss her so much, eventhough long time ago I overcame my bereavement. I used to say to myself that she went for a trip, or she moved to another country..I used to see other women of her age in the crowds with the hope that it could be her. I might not help you with what I write, but I wanted to let you know that unfortunately other people like me, have similar feelings to yours.The most painful part of all this loss is the one you mentioned: how can we deal without any hug from them?I still recall her smell, the massages she would give me. I understand bitterly and deeply they cannot be replaced. But I captivate my emotions at that time and have them inside my soul as my most precious feelings, emotions of being loved and taken good care of. I really wish that I will be able to give to my children the love and affection she has given me. I think this might be a way of coping: we should continue the chain of beloved hugs, of sharing the love..of giving to other people what our mums taught to us. Somehow through this, their existence might be sensed.I could keep writing for ages, I am very touched by this site. I am deeply sorry for your loss. I really wish that god will rest their souls and we ll find our way through this.  Wishes Fri, 04 May 2007 00:00:00 GMT Your story sounds so much like my own..My mom passed away 2 months ago after battling Stage 4 breast cancer for 10 years. My mom was 55 years old. I am the oldest of three children..I am 31, my sister is 29 and my brother is 26 today. I need to tell you that you must spiritualy want to see the signs and leave yourself "open". Since my mom has passed I have had several vivid dreams where when I wake up I write down what I remember. Let me tell you one...I am writing you this directly from my notebook...Last night I dreampt of mommy. She told me that she saw all of us standing around her as she passed. She said "I saw all 12 of you"- that is confirmation enough for me because I had no clue how many people were there and now that I think of it there were in fact 12 people- Daddy, me, Cortney, Ian, Andy, Pete, Uncle Eddie, Aunt Joanne, Uncle Jimmy,Annmarie, Sally and the Priest. What a great thing! She also said she saw the funeral and that we did a great job. When I told her about the motorcycle escort daddy got she shook her head and kind of rolled her eyes with a smile. She said that she was proud of daddy for holding things together and how he is  coping. At one point Cort and I were showing mommy her death certificate and by some strange action we were telling her that maybe we could save her and she just looked@ us and shook her head as if she was too tired to fight anymore. She told me that she was the one diming the lights in the house. I also asked her if she remembered what she had told me in a dream when she passed and she said " I told you I need you to take care of yourself"....If that isn't proof enough that a mothers love never ends.....Hope this cheers you up and gives you hope.with Love, MAegan Daizimae19 Tue, 29 May 2007 00:00:00 GMT