CancerCompass message board discussion started by Chi-girl on 9/5/2007 http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,15895,0.htm Fri, 29 Aug 2008 00:00:00 GMT Fri, 29 Aug 2008 00:00:00 GMT http://backend.userland.com/rss RSS.NET: http://www.rssdotnet.com/ My father has stage 4 stomach cancer.  I live out of state and have three children and a job.  I have traveled back and forth to my parent's home several times since his diagnosis four months ago.  Because I am not in proximity most of the time, I have done other things like set up and maintain a website to keep others updated and enable others to leave messages of support, been in contact with his Dr, the ERs (when he has gone) and the hospital (when he was once hospitalized).  I call everyday to check in, chat and offer emotional support to both he and my mother.  Additionally, I have offered to come and stay more frequently than the once or twice a month I have done thus far, prepared to take Family Leave if needed.  Every time I am told it is not necessary.  My mother's sisters have also taken time to stay with them.This past weekend my family and I visited them again.  My father was very agitated and told me I should be ashamed of myself (yes, those were the actual words) for my lack of care and concern for he and my mother.  He ranted on about other things and ended on the note that he does not like that my husband did not ask him how he is doing and didn't ask what he could help out with.  I am at a loss.  I have not had an ideal relationship with my father truly, but I have been trying to do what I thought was the right thing all along.   I feel badly arguing with a terminally ill old man.  I spoke with the Dr in hopes that a stroke of maybe brain met might be causing him to say such mean things, but they said there is no evidence of either.  My father has always been prone to "rants" and I think he is a bit of a bully, but this is almost too much.  At this point, the only thing that keeps me from throwing in the towel is the need for a clear conscience.  Any suggestions would be much appreciated. Chi-girl Wed, 05 Sep 2007 00:00:00 GMT Bless your heart.  What a tough time you are having.  My husband had brain cancer.  He was really good most of the time.  Sometimes he would get angry and rant.  I would always blame the brain tumor for that.  A close friend told me once, he is angry in general for just being sick.  I always turned the other cheek, and was very forgiving.  You are doing the right thing.  Don't throw in the towel yet...When all is said and done, you will be able to look in the mirror and know you were a great daughter, to a really sick man...my thoughts are with you in this difficult time...Beth  Beth H Wed, 05 Sep 2007 00:00:00 GMT  On 9/5/2007 Beth H wrote:Bless your heart.  What a tough time you are having.  My husband had brain cancer.  He was really good most of the time.  Sometimes he would get angry and rant.  I would always blame the brain tumor for that.  A close friend told me once, he is angry in general for just being sick.  I always turned the other cheek, and was very forgiving.  You are doing the right thing.  Don't throw in the towel yet...When all is said and done, you will be able to look in the mirror and know you were a great daughter, to a really sick man...my thoughts are with you in this difficult time...Beth  Thanks so much, Beth.  Just know ing someone else is even listening to me is somehow heartening.  It is very difficult to hear mean and cruel things and turn the other cheek.  It is also hard to feel that you are doing all you can but yet it is not enough.  I suppose these have been reccuring themes in our relationship, but I had hoped that this horrible disease and facing his own mortality would perhaps change his perspective.  In the meantime, my marriage suffers as my husband has been so supportive of me all along and to hear these things about him as hurt him as well, plus he does not like to see me so upset.  Thanks for listening. Chi-girl Thu, 06 Sep 2007 00:00:00 GMT