CancerCompass message board discussion started by Fightformom on 9/26/2007 http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,16531,0.htm Sat, 06 Sep 2008 00:00:00 GMT Sat, 06 Sep 2008 00:00:00 GMT http://backend.userland.com/rss RSS.NET: http://www.rssdotnet.com/ My mom was a wonderful woman.  Loving, generous, strong,and selfless.She passed away on 7/24/07.  She fought 7 months to the day.  She started the 5FU 1/15/07 and finished in June.  She did really good during her chemo treatment, or at least she put on a good face for us.  She never complained once.  On 6/20/07 they attempted to remove part of her stomach but was unable to due to the fact the cancer had grown into her spleen, pancreas and colon and they found more spots on her liver.  They put a feeding tube in her for nightime feedings.   Then on 7/4/07 she had what they call a calcium build-up.  She was in the hospital for a week.  She was here in our world and in another world during this time, alot of hallucinations.  Or at least to us it was hallucinations.  When the calcium went down and she was back in our world 100%, she said she remembered everything she had seen and said it was like living in two different worlds at the same time and was stuck between both of them.  The doctor told us that she needed to start on Taxotere.  Without chemo treatment he said she only had days left, but with treatment she would have weeks.  So, on 7/12/07 she started the Taxotere treatment.  Went home the next day on 7/13/07.  Then on 7/15/07 her calcium level went back up and she was back in the hospital.  She slowly started to slip into the other world again and it was hard to communicate with her.  The doctor said with her calcium level going up, this would be a good thing because she would be able to pass in a comatose state in peace.  While she was in the hospital my mom was stuck between this world and the other place.  She talked to people who were not there for us to see, but she seemed to be happy talking with them.  On 7/19/07, my mom woke from her sleep early that morning and said to me she was ready to be with God and to call her children(My sister, brother and me).  Everyone who loved her gathered around her that day at the hospital.  We cried and laughed that day.  It was the first day all week that she could clearly speak to us.  My brother had recently found out him and his wife are expecting another child.  My mom told us this child will be a beautiful little girl with blue eyes and red hair.                                                          My mom came home to my house on 7/20/07 for hospice care.  She never woke up once she got to my house and seemed to have went peacefully in her sleep on 7/24/07 at 2pm.I wanted to post this to help with my heeling and to hopefully help other people too.  Not sure if it will, but I wanted to try.My heart is forever broken and lost without my mom.  She will forever be missed.  I just wish I had more time.  I Love you Mom. P.S. Today my brother and his wife found out they are having a little girl.  Now to wait and see if she will have red hair and blue eyes. Fightformom Wed, 26 Sep 2007 00:00:00 GMT Don't worry your mom is in a far better place now, with no suffering or pain.  They should name the little girl after your mom :) Steeda Thu, 27 Sep 2007 00:00:00 GMT I know she is in a far better place now.  I will never know how much pain she was in while she was here with us.  She was such a strong person.  She did Tai Chi and I know that helped her with a lot of her pain.  The doctors would always tell her she had a high tolerance for pain.  She said it was all because of her doing Tai Chi.My brother is going to name his little girl after my mom.  This little girl will be so blessed and loved.  She is bringing new life to us and help us with healing our pain.  You know I would always watch TV shows and see how one life was taken and another one was given life.  It is so surreal for it to really be happening to our family.  My mom is with God but God has given us another life to celebrate.The one thing that helps me during the times I am sad is I think about how I will one day see my mom again.  My mom is just getting everything ready for her family to join her one day.  Somehow that comforts me.  Thanks again for your kind words. Fightformom Thu, 27 Sep 2007 00:00:00 GMT I read your message and it touched me. My dad passed 06/29/07 from Bile Duct Cancer. He seeked treatment at two different hospitals, but there was nothing they could do. He had Klatskin's Tumor, which requires surgery to remove the tumor and half or more of his liver. His jaundice and other complications didn't allow him to get the surgery. His liver and kidneys started to fail. At that point, as a family we decided that he should at least spend his last days at home. He was only home for a week before he went into a comatose state and passed in his sleep. He was 58. I am 24. It has been three months and the pain and sadness is still so overwelming. I can't sleep, I get nightmares, I cry at the middle of work. I try to remember his last week and all the laughs, last words, and the more I think about it, the more I can't deal with it. I feel like my whole life has changed. I can't enjoy the things I used to. I can't watch movies, TV shows.. because I can't watch hospital scenes, people dying, older people talking to young people...I can't watch scenes where a father talks to his son or daughter...and weddings...this might sound so dumb, but I cry every time I think about when I have my own wedding...who will walk me down the aisle. I can't even write about my father without crying. I don't know what to do...there just seems like so many moments that my dad will miss and have missed--My father found out about his cancer in April and so he missed my graduation from college in May...I remember him saying on the phone that he was so proud of me and that he is sorry for missing it...he cried...I cried...then I got a job a month after he passed...and I knew he would have been so happy...it was the job I had always wanted. I just can't feel better...I have a great boyfriend who I know is proposing in the next few months, he at least got to meet my dad the week my dad was home...asked him for permission...( I found out he asked my dad recently from my boyfriend's mom). All these great moments, my dad will never see...hear...and lately some of that sorrow has turned to anger. I am angry that this happened. My dad was a great man. He went to Church every Sunday, he was in charity work, donated money to schools all his life...he was a great man...and he prayed so much when he go sick...and it makes me so angry at the world and I have lost faith. I guess when I read your message, I saw that other people were dealing with loss as well. I just want to know if you feel angry...how do you deal with it...how do you move on...how do you let it go...how do you find faith again when something like this happens? How are you dealing with your mother's passing? JUNE292007 Thu, 27 Sep 2007 00:00:00 GMT Hi,My Mother passed away on April 10th 07.She was diagnosed with stomach cancer at stage 3 on April 6th 07 .I was there with her on her  last moment.She struggled alot all those days and also died with pain.Now I dont believe in GOD.My mother was a very religious person and  followed everything a good women should do.But at last she died with pain.I just want to say that I love her so much.I want to see her once and talk to her ,but practically its not possible.I dont understand what is cancer research all about.people are still dieing with cancer.Just hoping for a miracle drug for cancer ,I end my mail.  Mobeen Thu, 27 Sep 2007 00:00:00 GMT You take it one day at a time. That's all you can do. I understand what you're going through with your wedding. You're angry because it supposed to the happiest time if your life but its not because everyone is sad. You feel the stress if handling your own feelings of sadness and perhaps guilt at planning something so happy. You're angry because other girls have both their parents with them to enjoy marriage and grandchildren, to be there for you and with you. You feel hyped as if you were cheated out if that happiness. When I look at my friend and her mom with her baby..I feel so jealous and ashamed of my jealousy. And I'm angry. Why do I gave to be the one without a mom. Why can't I have that too? I don't know what to say but let yourself cry yourself out. Just don't let it control your life or you'll miss out on what your father really wants for you. Happiness. goofpuff Mon, 01 Oct 2007 00:00:00 GMT I am so, so sorry. This disease is so horrible, I pray I don't have to deal with another loved one going through this. Have you tried maybe talking to a counselor, or going through a support group? It really may help. You never get over it, you just get through it. Sending hugs your way =) tashfish Sun, 04 Nov 2007 00:00:00 GMT Your pain is obvious. I lost my Mom a few years ago to a brain tumor and even though I watched her fight for almost 20 years it was still not easy in the end.Right now my husband is going through treatment for tonsillar cancer - stage 4a and things are not looking good. He is scheduled to have surgery on the 14th - a radical neck dissection. I know his pain is real.. but I cannot blame God for the pain he is in nor will I blame God for the final outcome of his illness.Without God I would not have had the chance to have this man in my life and with God IN my life I was blessed with two wonderful sons that, when my husband is gone, will remind me every day of their father. I do get angry that we have had to go through this and that all the treatments we have done have not worked but it is my faith in God and the promises He has made us that keep me going.Anger is normal. It is part of the grieving process. Acceptance is the hardest level.What I will share with you is this: The love we have for our Mom, Dad, Sister, Brother, Friend.. ect., cannot end when their body ceases function. You can feel their spririt with you, see the signs that they are with you and thinking of you, EVERY DAY. Ever hear a song that immediately brought a memory of someone you lost to your heart, THAT is when they were thinking of you. I take time to watch the sunset now. Life is no longer moving past me. I am moving into my life.It is the gift that God gives us when we lose someone and a reminder that they are happy and healthy again. You were so blessed to have your Mom... remind yourself of what you had with her before you waste any more time worrying about what you don't have now. Weezy Sun, 04 Nov 2007 00:00:00 GMT I really liked the comment you made about hearing a song that triggers the memory of that person and that means they are thinking of you. Because as the holidays are approaching, I feel more sad even though it has been almost 6 months since my father passed away. Lately, I have been going through some really tough moments in my life. I had a terrible car accident and totaled my car, I was ok, and a part of me believed that my father was there to protect me. After seeing the damage of my car, I realized I was blessed to walk away from it with only minor bruises. I miss him to much. I wish so much to talk to him...to hear his voice. I am sad because i know my mom is sad...she lost her best friend and now she lives alone and we leave so far away that I can't be there to help her. I am obsessed with finding treatment options that could save other people with Klatskin's Tumor. I can't stop researching about the disease...I just wish I could have known more and had more time to do the research to save my dad...I know it is too late, but a part of me still can't let go. I try to look at all the good things in my life...and that helps me get through the day. I think the holidays are very difficult. I miss him so much and people tell me to move on and stop dwelling on it, but i can't. It's not easy to turn that switch off in my head. I get thoughts of my dad's last moments, days...it haunts me to think of all the things he would have thought about. dreams that he had that he knew he would never fulfill. I cant imagine what he went through...it keep me up thinking about this...i know i CAN'T do this to myself...but wonder...I wish I was there when he passed...I was day late and a part me feel so guilty. I have always been the optimist, the one who always has a smile, the one who cheers everyone up. The one who made my dad laugh...Could I have made him live a little longer by being there? The night i GOT THE CALL, still haunts me...the hour, the words my mom said over the phone...my shock..my anger...the whole thing still plays in my head at night...will this ever pass? JUNE292007 Sat, 15 Dec 2007 00:00:00 GMT  On 12/15/2007 JUNE292007 wrote:I really liked the comment you made about hearing a song that triggers the memory of that person and that means they are thinking of you. Because as the holidays are approaching, I feel more sad even though it has been almost 6 months since my father passed away. Lately, I have been going through some really tough moments in my life. I had a terrible car accident and totaled my car, I was ok, and a part of me believed that my father was there to protect me. After seeing the damage of my car, I realized I was blessed to walk away from it with only minor bruises. I miss him to much. I wish so much to talk to him...to hear his voice. I am sad because i know my mom is sad...she lost her best friend and now she lives alone and we leave so far away that I can't be there to help her. I am obsessed with finding treatment options that could save other people with Klatskin's Tumor. I can't stop researching about the disease...I just wish I could have known more and had more time to do the research to save my dad...I know it is too late, but a part of me still can't let go. I try to look at all the good things in my life...and that helps me get through the day. I think the holidays are very difficult. I miss him so much and people tell me to move on and stop dwelling on it, but i can't. It's not easy to turn that switch off in my head. I get thoughts of my dad's last moments, days...it haunts me to think of all the things he would have thought about. dreams that he had that he knew he would never fulfill. I cant imagine what he went through...it keep me up thinking about this...i know i CAN'T do this to myself...but wonder...I wish I was there when he passed...I was day late and a part me feel so guilty. I have always been the optimist, the one who always has a smile, the one who cheers everyone up. The one who made my dad laugh...Could I have made him live a little longer by being there? The night i GOT THE CALL, still haunts me...the hour, the words my mom said over the phone...my shock..my anger...the whole thing still plays in my head at night...will this ever pass?I know that when my Mom passed away I was eventually able to remember things beyond her passing.  I was blessed to be there with her, along with my sisters and my Mom's closest sister, when she passed away on her birthday.  We knew the time was near, we had a lot of false alarms in the years previous but I was still not prepared.  I go through the same pain now as my Husband is nearing the end of his life.  We are SO blessed that he will make it through Christmas.  We feared that he would not make it and the last thing I want is my sons having to remember every year during the Holidays about losing their Dad. My family will have the best Holiday this year, doing all the normal traditions that our family enjoys.  I believe that when someone passes they are still here with you, just not in the physical sense but spiritually.  TALK to your Dad whenever you wish!  Even though some people think that they canot hear you what if he CAN??  I know that when I talk to my Mom it sure makes me feel better.  Your car accident had to be terrifying,  I think that you may be correct, perhaps your Dad is your Guardian Angel now... I know that I would sure feel better with the belief that the wisdom my Mother took with her can still benefit me!  Funny thing is this..  Now when I think of my Mom I see her at her happiest time of her life, when she was in her 30's and always had a smile on her face.  She had an infectious laugh and a wicked sense of humor.  You should try to find a way to show your Mom as often as you can that you still are here for her.  Remember their Anniversary and other Special Events and Dates in their lives.  Your Mom will need you this Holiday.  Try taking the time to write her a letter as a Gift.  She may not be ready to read it right away but what a gift for her to read that when she IS ready.   I wish you a Wonderful Holiday.  Your pain is still so close to the surface but you will get through this.L. Weezy Sat, 15 Dec 2007 00:00:00 GMT