CancerCompass message board discussion started by hawke on 10/15/2007 http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,17097,0.htm Wed, 08 Oct 2008 00:00:00 GMT Wed, 08 Oct 2008 00:00:00 GMT http://backend.userland.com/rss RSS.NET: http://www.rssdotnet.com/ Hi everyone,It was five weeks ago today that my best friend, my Mom died.  Here I am, at 3:20 a.m., sitting here writing a note to strangers.  I can't sleep tonite, it's almost like I am at hospice center again and it's all happening again.  I didn't sleep for almost four straight days when my Mom died, it was very surreal.  I am not crying, nor really upset, most of the time.  I worry that I am not grieving enough or correctly.  I really cried, a mission tears, the month before my Mom passed away, as I realized that I was losing her.  Is that why I am not super upset?  Or, is five weeks enough to really feel better?  Is it possible to grieve BEFORE someone dies?  I read somewhere that you should 'jumpstart' your grief by looking at memorabilia and/or listening to music that makes you think of your loved one.  What do you all think?  That seems a little self-injurious to me.  Let me know what you are experiencing and if you think I should go get help. hawke Mon, 15 Oct 2007 00:00:00 GMT I lost my mom to lung cancer on June 21 of this year. I cried uncronabky when she died as we did not expect it at that time. I walked aroun in a daze for a while. I just kept picturing her last hours and the moment she died. It still feels very surreal and I too am having a hard time dealing with this. I knew she was sick and would succumb to the cancer at some time but my mom was not put into hospice. so I feel cheated a little as my family and my mom never had the benifit of hospice.It is very hard and everyone deals with death differntly. I had the same thoughts as you as am I grieving enough and what is too much. I do cry but it is for a couple of minutes. I am not crying every day know. Once in a while a thought will pop in my head and I'll say I have to call my mom and tell her. I think that is the hardest just never being able to talk to her again. Just thinking about that has just brought tears to my eyes. Talking aboout her does help., I enjoy talking about the good times with familly and freinds that knew her. I lost my dad 5 years ago, so I have been busy getting her house in order to sell. When everything was emptied out that was hard seeing the house empty,but just doing everything had kept me buzy. There is no right or wrong way to grieve someone. If you need to talk we are here for you. I don't think it is something you ever get over. Sandi stlars55 Mon, 15 Oct 2007 00:00:00 GMT  On 10/15/2007 hawke wrote:Hi everyone,It was five weeks ago today that my best friend, my Mom died.  Here I am, at 3:20 a.m., sitting here writing a note to strangers.  I can't sleep tonite, it's almost like I am at hospice center again and it's all happening again.  I didn't sleep for almost four straight days when my Mom died, it was very surreal.  I am not crying, nor really upset, most of the time.  I worry that I am not grieving enough or correctly.  I really cried, a mission tears, the month before my Mom passed away, as I realized that I was losing her.  Is that why I am not super upset?  Or, is five weeks enough to really feel better?  Is it possible to grieve BEFORE someone dies?  I read somewhere that you should 'jumpstart' your grief by looking at memorabilia and/or listening to music that makes you think of your loved one.  What do you all think?  That seems a little self-injurious to me.  Let me know what you are experiencing and if you think I should go get help.Dear hawak,Sorry for your lost. It is normal what you have been through and the feelings that you have. The reason why you didn't cry that because you are under shock and until now you have not beliefed that your mother has gone. You have cried before because you knew that you were watching her for the last time in you life and when she's gone you couldn't believe that she is gone. Be strong my friend. We all lost loved one and you will cry later on may be after 1 or 2 months and it depends on your status and are you going to recover from the shock. I have been through this with two of my loved one. My sister and my fiance. When my sister died, i could not believe that she's gone and i didn't cry at all. but when my fiance died after 6 months, i couldn't stop crying and i cried for both of them. I know how do you feel just give yourself time. Yours, Sara Hope for life Wed, 17 Oct 2007 00:00:00 GMT i'm new but not new to losses but will be new to a certain loss...im sorry for whats happened to you's and i know its hard...trust me i may be 17 but i had my share of loss...all to cancer and now my fiancee' is going to go soon too...i just i dont know need help and after reading these post i thought i could find some here vergil666 Wed, 17 Oct 2007 00:00:00 GMT I am truly sorry for your lose.  I do not think that it ever gets easier but never forget the memories that you have.  My mom has had cancer now for the past 5 years.  At this very moment she is in her final stages of her life.  She went into the hospital 3 days ago with severe pain and now she has an infection.  I am a 37 year old married man.  I am an only child and my mom was the world to me.  She often said that I was her world but it was really the other way around.  Like you, I am currently walking around in a daze.  I am not even sure that what I am currently typing makes much sense....  In my mind I have imagined my world without my mom and it brings me to tears within seconds.  I have no idea how i am going to be able to cope with these next few days because the end is coming very quickly.  I hate to see my mom in the pain that she is in and I hate to see her the way that she looks right now.  I hope that these are not the memories that I have of my mom years from now.   If you were to figure out a way to have some sort of solace & peace within yourself please share that because I am in a bad place right now. Dean.D Thu, 18 Oct 2007 00:00:00 GMT I don't think there is a right or wrong way to grieve.  As far as writing to strangers, I've been doing just that since my dad was diagnosed in August.  I too have had tears daily since that date.  Perhaps I'm grieving ahead of time as well. My dad is still with us, although not for long.  I'm not sure how I will react at the end.  I think that however you react is fine.  My mother-in-law never cried when my father-in-law died because "he didn't suffer," "he had a good life" and according to her "I still talk to him everyday."  It's never a bad idea to seek help though.  Especially losing someone as close to you as your mother clearly was to you.  Definitely keep talking about her to friends, people on this sight, or professionals.I'm sorry for your loss.Cheryl Cheryl Z Sun, 21 Oct 2007 00:00:00 GMT  On 10/18/2007 Dean.D wrote:I am truly sorry for your lose.  I do not think that it ever gets easier but never forget the memories that you have.  My mom has had cancer now for the past 5 years.  At this very moment she is in her final stages of her life.  She went into the hospital 3 days ago with severe pain and now she has an infection.  I am a 37 year old married man.  I am an only child and my mom was the world to me.  She often said that I was her world but it was really the other way around.  Like you, I am currently walking around in a daze.  I am not even sure that what I am currently typing makes much sense....  In my mind I have imagined my world without my mom and it brings me to tears within seconds.  I have no idea how i am going to be able to cope with these next few days because the end is coming very quickly.  I hate to see my mom in the pain that she is in and I hate to see her the way that she looks right now.  I hope that these are not the memories that I have of my mom years from now.   If you were to figure out a way to have some sort of solace & peace within yourself please share that because I am in a bad place right now.Please keep us posted Dean.  I lost my mother to this 3 weeks ago and am praying for you.  Chrissy m Sun, 21 Oct 2007 00:00:00 GMT Hawke and all,Loss is a very private thing. We all do it in different ways. At least it sounds like you've all had a chance to be with your loved ones knowing the end was coming. My son, my only child, died very unexpectedly, all alone in his apartment and wasn't found until the next day when his fiance picked the lock on his door and found him.Cherish the good memories and don't be afraid if you're grieving any "right" way. There is no right way for all. If you feel like crying, do it but don't think there's something wrong with you if you don't.Talk to friends, write a letter to the loved one you lost and express your feelings of love, anger, frustration, loss, whatever you're feeling. Do it as many times as you feel you need to. But whatever you do, don't try to fit a mourning mood that someone else expects of you. "Jump starting" a mourning is not going to help you get over anything if you're not ready. Accepting the loss and being able to see into the future as it now is, is the most important. Do what you can to return to a normal routine and just accept that there will be times you feel the loss more than at other times and understand that the feeling is okay, whatever it is. The last thing your loved ones want you to do is to waste your life grieving something you cannot change.My best to you all and may this sad time bring you time to reflect on the best way to honor your loved one, by getting back to your own lives and living the best way you can as soon as you can. Logicat Sat, 10 Nov 2007 00:00:00 GMT I lost my beautiful mother on September 27 this year - she was 63.  She was diagnosed in Nov 06 with stage 4 lung cancer & had a very hard battle.  Having lost 2 aunts & 2 uncles (all on my moms side) to this same awful disease, I/we thought we were in somewhat familiar territory.  Based on my experience, I can honestly say that every struggle & loss of this kind is different.  My Mom was hospitalized Sept 23 with complications and never got a chance to go into hospice care ~ I regret that frequently (I was the primary caretaker throughout her illness). Like you, I feel horribly cheated for my Mom, myself & my family.  I guess I had somewhat prepared for her to leave us "peacefully" surrounded by all her loved ones...you know, like I had read about and was told about so many times before....I torment myself with the images of her last hours in the hospital... the unrelenting pain despite the morphine, the thrashing about & seemingly unconscious fight up until the very moment she died. These are the details that I guess are rarely shared by others and that I was totally unprepared for.  My tears and grief come without notice and are frequent on some days and not on others.  There doesn't seem to be any text book pattern to my grief.  When I have so-called "good days" I feel guilty that I am not grieving enough for her loss, and then I have bad days and wish for more of the good days.... It's all so very hard and I often wonder how any of us will get through this to a time where the heartache is just not so piercing. Sandi (stlars55) ~ did you have trouble going to visit your mom at the house after your dad passed?  Just curious since I'm struggling so hard with this aspect right now.  I want to be there and supportive for my Dad but am having a hard time going to "the" house.  It's just too much for me and I see myself pushing him away right now instead of trying to be there for him..... Any thoughts or suggestions?  Lisa LostWithoutHer Sun, 18 Nov 2007 00:00:00 GMT I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your mom.  I know it has been several weeks since you made your post to the message board but I still felt compelled to reply.  Grief is something that everyone deals with differently and individually.  There is no right or wrong way to do it.  Grief and mourning are natural when you loose someone that you love.  The process that you go thru after the lose is also natural.  Stop worrying about how you feel.  Do what feels right to you and over a period of time it will get better.  You will find yourself thinking more and more of the things that the two of you did together rather than what happened at the end.  I married my husband when I was 16 and we moved into a trailer in his parents yard.  His dad spent as many years raising me as my own dad did.  On Sept. 9, 1999 my father-in-law (dad) dropped dead of a massive heart attack.  I was devastated but could not shed a tear.  I went to the hospital and listened to the doctor say he was DOA, the wake, the funeral, and the graveyard without ever shedding a tear.  I felt as if I were just numb and could not feel a thing.  I thought something was wrong with me.  People kept saying the tears will come and then you will begin to heal.  On Thanksgiving day at my aunt's house I was filling glasses with ice from a cooler.  My first cousin came in and asked could he help me do that.  I went all to pieces and could not stop crying.  Filling the glasses was something that me and dad had done together many times.  It was like opening a valve and letting out a flood of grief.  From that point on I began to feel better one day at a time.  God bless you and your family Lucky Girl Mon, 26 Nov 2007 00:00:00 GMT I have lost both my mum and dad and in each case the grief came differently. There is no 'right' way to grieve. Generally it follows a pattern or cycle but people react in different ways. It is common that it can hit hard after 4 - 6 months so be prepared for this and have friends and family to support you. I was an only child and it can be doubly hard for us. There's no-one else to support us and we are often very close to our parents. So for those who are suffering loss - take heart - you are not alone. remember the good things about your loved one. They are always with you - in your heart and mind. What would they want for you? Listen to them 'talking' to you and feel their love support you. Smort9256 Thu, 29 Nov 2007 00:00:00 GMT  On 10/15/2007 hawke wrote:Hi everyone,It was five weeks ago today that my best friend, my Mom died.  Here I am, at 3:20 a.m., sitting here writing a note to strangers.  I can't sleep tonite, it's almost like I am at hospice center again and it's all happening again.  I didn't sleep for almost four straight days when my Mom died, it was very surreal.  I am not crying, nor really upset, most of the time.  I worry that I am not grieving enough or correctly.  I really cried, a mission tears, the month before my Mom passed away, as I realized that I was losing her.  Is that why I am not super upset?  Or, is five weeks enough to really feel better?  Is it possible to grieve BEFORE someone dies?  I read somewhere that you should 'jumpstart' your grief by looking at memorabilia and/or listening to music that makes you think of your loved one.  What do you all think?  That seems a little self-injurious to me.  Let me know what you are experiencing and if you think I should go get help.Oooh sweetie...I feel exactly the same way as you.... My mother has been batteling a very bad cancer for over 5 years... about 7 years ago diagnosed with Colon cancer had surgery and chemo clean for 2 years...right after I married my husband it came back again...chemo and radiation shrunk the tumor.. and then 2 years ago came back with a vengence..and spread to her lungs....put her in ICU for a month... and then it spread again to her vaginal area and was inoperatable... well tonight she died.... and I am in shock more than anything..... but I knew it was coming Hospice was in there for her and they knew...and I cried often...and I listed to music and looked at pictures.... and tonight I hardly cry and am more able to control my emotions...and am asking myself is it because I don't care enough...but I know that is not the case...I think part of me really believes she is in a better place...and am more at peace now that I know she is not suffering anymore...I think you need to do what is comfortable for you as you grieve over your mother.. there is no certain way for someone to grieve or no set time period to grieve for...don't be so hard on yourself you lost your mother...I am really sorry about your loss.... my mother was 64 she would of been 65 on Dec 18th...7 days from now....this time of year stinks for me and always will for a while... but I need to be strong I have an almost 3 year old really looking forward to santa this year...and I can't let him down...god bless and I am really really sorry about your loss.... lostrightnow Mon, 10 Dec 2007 00:00:00 GMT i fell sad about that but your lucky that your mum and dad didn't when u were young  pikacha1234 Sat, 30 Aug 2008 00:00:00 GMT  when i was three my mum  and dad died of cancer and when they died i cried for three weeks even at school! And now im sitting here at my anties house pikacha1234 Sat, 30 Aug 2008 00:00:00 GMT My Momma died Dec 9, 1998 at the age of 67 from small cell lung cancer. I was numb for the first 18 months or so. Then I grieved long and hard. I still do in many ways. When you lose someone you love, you don't ever "get over it." You just learn to live with it. Missing her is just part of my life now. texasbelle5 Sat, 30 Aug 2008 00:00:00 GMT