CancerCompass message board discussion started by Broken Heart on 11/17/2007 http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,18047,0.htm Mon, 13 Oct 2008 00:00:00 GMT Mon, 13 Oct 2008 00:00:00 GMT http://backend.userland.com/rss RSS.NET: http://www.rssdotnet.com/ Sometimes I just don't know how I can continue with this whole deal.  My husband of 11 years at age 42 was diagnosed with Stage II pancreatic cancer in July 2005.  We have two beautiful daughters now ages 8 and 3.  He had been a stay at home parent for six years at the time of the intial diagnoses and it has been so hard for our eldest daughter as he was her primary caregiver for her entire life.  She was definitely a Daddy's girl.  After six very difficult months of surgery, chemo and radiation treatments we had the gift of nine months where he was doing much better.  We went on a major vacation that summer and enjoyed making some wonderful memories.  Then last October we learned of growths on his liver which was confirmed as the pancreatic cancer in November.  He immediately wanted to have a just becuase party and I therefore had one for him.  Then come December he starts an affair it escalates through this March when I mistakenly find out.  He denies and lies about it but then admits to it but continues to lie.  There are so many details I could go on about for quite some time but the bottom line is I have been devasted by his actions.  Now as he continues to get sicker I find that I often just don't know what to do.  It is all just too much.  If anyone can offer some suport and/or suggestions it would be really appreciated.  Broken hearted cargiver. Broken Heart Sat, 17 Nov 2007 00:00:00 GMT This is really a tough one.  I would not attempt to judge your husband for his actions but certainly do not understand them.  At face value his actions appear to be very selfish but then I have not been in his shoes.  Are you asking if you should leave him or stay with him or what?  I really don't know what I would do in this situation but you need to keep in mind that you cannot change his actions and you will not be judged for his actions, only your own.  Guess my advice to you is to be sure that what you decide to do is something you can live with.  If you are a Christian I would advise prayer and counseling with your pastor.  Wish you well.Ginny   ginnyx7 Sun, 18 Nov 2007 00:00:00 GMT  On 11/18/2007 ginnyx7 wrote:This is really a tough one.  I would not attempt to judge your husband for his actions but certainly do not understand them.  At face value his actions appear to be very selfish but then I have not been in his shoes.  Are you asking if you should leave him or stay with him or what?  I really don't know what I would do in this situation but you need to keep in mind that you cannot change his actions and you will not be judged for his actions, only your own.  Guess my advice to you is to be sure that what you decide to do is something you can live with.  If you are a Christian I would advise prayer and counseling with your pastor.  Wish you well.Ginny  Ginny,I had decided that I don't want to be partners anymore but to let him live with us for the girls sake.  I thought that it would be better if they were able to have more memories with him.  I really thought that he would try to make ammens and I'd hopefully be able to forgive him before it was too late - but I have no desire to reconcile.  Please understand that he has said he is sorry but in the 8 months since I found out he has attempted to contact her multiple times and has only admitted it was an affair for about three scattered weeks.  He claims that they never consumated their relationship although I have proof of over 250 phone calls between and that he bought her almost $2000 in gifts plus they both admit to secretly meeting and he that they exchanged "I love yous".  Prior to his, at minimum emotional, affair we both thought we were doing well as a couple - especailly given what we were going through.  However, he still won't/can't explain why he did it and doesn't seem to truely be sorry.  He claims he still loves me but it doesn't feel that way to me and I cannot trust him.  As I am truely tired, feel that I have lost my spirit and have little patience for our poor girls I am starting to think that perhaps I should change my decision to let him stay with us.  I lose my composure much more frequently and am not sure if it is better that I keep him around.  Especially now that I am seeing signs that he seems to be getting worse and I really don't know that I am going to be albe to be an adequate caregiver.  I really do feel like he was being very selfish and the affair was an exciting escape from reality.  I don't know what I am looking for from anyone right now.  I'd just like to find the strength to be a better Mom to my kids through this and afterwards.  As for my religion, I am really questioning that whole aspect of my beliefs at this point.  I do judge him for his actions - it was his decision to both start and continue a extramarital relationship in spite of his commitment to me.  He may think he had one of the best excuses for having an affair but I do not believe that there are any.  If he wanted the other married women they could both get a divorce and have at it all they wanted.  Anyway, thanks for your thoughtful response.  Sorry I sound so bitter, I really thought I'd get better about it given time but that hasn't happened - not yet any way.Karen Broken Heart Sun, 18 Nov 2007 00:00:00 GMT Karen,You don't sound bitter but like someone who has been hurt very deeply.  You are right, caregiving is a very tough job and if you have ill feelings toward him that will make it worse.  With his history I probably would not believe a word he said.  He cheated on you whether he "consumated" the affair or not.   Again though I would encourage you to seek counseling of some kind.  There are a lot of counselors out there and you need to look until you find one that will at least help you relieve some of the frustration and anger you have.  You have a lot of emotion that needs to be vented.  At this stage you really need to consider you and your children first and foremost.  Your girls are what are important and so do them a favor and get some emotional help before you make a decision.      I am almost 2 years into caregiving and it gets tougher everyday.  If necessary can you do that?  Probably best if you made that decision before it gets too bad for him.  We don't know how long we will be in this mode and it is probably necessary for us to know up front whether or not we can do the job.   My situation demands 24/7 with my husband unable to do even very simple tasks for himself.  I did not foresee this from the beginning, it has been this way (24/7) for almost a year.  Could you do that if you had to?  Does he have other family members that could step in and do this?  I wish you all the best and do not envy you the decision you must make. Ginny     ginnyx7 Sun, 18 Nov 2007 00:00:00 GMT Karen, I really feel for you. I myself been betrayed by my husband with his co-worker  15 years ago. I have 3 children with this man. We 've been married for 39 years. all my children are grown now and have their own family. I am a grandmother of 7 good grandchildren. My husband's relationship with the children was in good term I guess. I manage to show my children that my husband and I have a good marriage but the truth of the matter is, it wasn't. It was very hard thing to do but I did it because after I'm long gone they still have that respect for their father. I am a lung cancer survivor for 12 years. I was just informed by the hospital that they discovered a very abnormal calsifications. suggesting higly suspected malignancy and I need to have a biopsy on my left breast. I did not want to do it. I don't want go down that road again all alone. Instead, I fixed all my papers and passport and I am going home. I fulfilled my obligation as a good wife and a good mother to my children with clear concience and lots of sacrifices for the love I have to my children.  The point i'm trying to send out to you is, you have 2 young children who does not understand betrayal at this point. All that they know is their father is very ill and may lose his life at some point. If you turn your back away from him now, they might recent you and destroy your relationship with them thinking you left  their father at the time their father needed you. They're very young to really comprehend what it is you're going thru. I know, it will be very hard to do but do your best and give it a try. You will be sacrificing and feel hurt through out but the benefit will be for the children and yours at the end. just tough it out. It might not be for a long term. You and you're children still have a long and bright life ahead of you. keep it mended.  GOD BLESS YOU AND THE CHILDREN.                   buang buang Sun, 18 Nov 2007 00:00:00 GMT Ginny,I know that we cannot afford to take care of him 24/7 even if I could emotionally.  I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you.  How is your husband doing and what do the doctors say?  Since his affair I've asked he many times to ask his family for help.  His family isn't very close so I guess instead he joins a new (different religion than we are) church that has provided some help.  Then he goes and gets baptised in this other religion without my knowledge.  I just can't understand.  I figure when it gets bad I will have to ask his family to assist.  I know this sounds terrible but I think that if he still cares he would go live somewhere else and relieve me from this decision.  He has to see what it is doing to our family.  Thanks again for your caring words.Karen Broken Heart Wed, 21 Nov 2007 00:00:00 GMT  On 11/18/2007 buang wrote:Karen, I really feel for you. I myself been betrayed by my husband with his co-worker  15 years ago. I have 3 children with this man. We 've been married for 39 years. all my children are grown now and have their own family. I am a grandmother of 7 good grandchildren. My husband's relationship with the children was in good term I guess. I manage to show my children that my husband and I have a good marriage but the truth of the matter is, it wasn't. It was very hard thing to do but I did it because after I'm long gone they still have that respect for their father. I am a lung cancer survivor for 12 years. I was just informed by the hospital that they discovered a very abnormal calsifications. suggesting higly suspected malignancy and I need to have a biopsy on my left breast. I did not want to do it. I don't want go down that road again all alone. Instead, I fixed all my papers and passport and I am going home. I fulfilled my obligation as a good wife and a good mother to my children with clear concience and lots of sacrifices for the love I have to my children.  The point i'm trying to send out to you is, you have 2 young children who does not understand betrayal at this point. All that they know is their father is very ill and may lose his life at some point. If you turn your back away from him now, they might recent you and destroy your relationship with them thinking you left  their father at the time their father needed you. They're very young to really comprehend what it is you're going thru. I know, it will be very hard to do but do your best and give it a try. You will be sacrificing and feel hurt through out but the benefit will be for the children and yours at the end. just tough it out. It might not be for a long term. You and you're children still have a long and bright life ahead of you. keep it mended.  GOD BLESS YOU AND THE CHILDREN.                   buangBuang,I am definitely still going to try to do this keeping him around thing although I often times really can't stand it.  Plus, it has taken a toll on me emotionally and physically.  Honestly, I find myself morbidly counting on his dying sooner than later to help get through this.  I'm so sorry for your recent awful news.  I am glad to hear that you are going home for yourself.  Thanks for your understanding.  God Bless you and your extended family!Karen Broken Heart Wed, 21 Nov 2007 00:00:00 GMT I don't have any sage advice but want you to know that my heart aches for you.  My husband is also dying of pancreatic cancer and I know how hard it is to be a caretaker.  I have gone through all of the emotions from feeling angry toward him to a feeling of panic when I think of life without him.  You need to find a good counselor who can help you with this.  It is too much for you to handle on your own.  I hope knowing that others care will give you some comfort.JL Jannie Mon, 03 Dec 2007 00:00:00 GMT  On 12/3/2007 Jannie wrote:I don't have any sage advice but want you to know that my heart aches for you.  My husband is also dying of pancreatic cancer and I know how hard it is to be a caretaker.  I have gone through all of the emotions from feeling angry toward him to a feeling of panic when I think of life without him.  You need to find a good counselor who can help you with this.  It is too much for you to handle on your own.  I hope knowing that others care will give you some comfort.JLJL,It does help to know that I am not as alone as I often feel.  I'm considering counseling but haven't managed to move forward yet.  I'm sure it will help but it is also an expense that we can't afford and I don't want to become dependant on.  Both my husband and eldest daughter are getting counseling.  I'm sorry for what you are going through also.  Have you gone for counseling and if so has it helped?Thanks,  Karen Broken Heart Sun, 09 Dec 2007 00:00:00 GMT  On 11/17/2007 Broken Heart wrote:Sometimes I just don't know how I can continue with this whole deal.  My husband of 11 years at age 42 was diagnosed with Stage II pancreatic cancer in July 2005.  We have two beautiful daughters now ages 8 and 3.  He had been a stay at home parent for six years at the time of the intial diagnoses and it has been so hard for our eldest daughter as he was her primary caregiver for her entire life.  She was definitely a Daddy's girl.  After six very difficult months of surgery, chemo and radiation treatments we had the gift of nine months where he was doing much better.  We went on a major vacation that summer and enjoyed making some wonderful memories.  Then last October we learned of growths on his liver which was confirmed as the pancreatic cancer in November.  He immediately wanted to have a just becuase party and I therefore had one for him.  Then come December he starts an affair it escalates through this March when I mistakenly find out.  He denies and lies about it but then admits to it but continues to lie.  There are so many details I could go on about for quite some time but the bottom line is I have been devasted by his actions.  Now as he continues to get sicker I find that I often just don't know what to do.  It is all just too much.  If anyone can offer some suport and/or suggestions it would be really appreciated.  Broken hearted cargiver.Just wanted to see how your husband and you and family doing?Did he go back to the Dr.? As for my husband,so far o.k. Thanks To God!! Mostly, how are you doing?Keep in touch.I do keep  you in my prayers that God will be there for you in what ever you need.                                                Rally53 rally53 Thu, 17 Jan 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 1/17/2008 rally53 wrote: On 11/17/2007 Broken Heart wrote:Sometimes I just don't know how I can continue with this whole deal.  My husband of 11 years at age 42 was diagnosed with Stage II pancreatic cancer in July 2005.  We have two beautiful daughters now ages 8 and 3.  He had been a stay at home parent for six years at the time of the intial diagnoses and it has been so hard for our eldest daughter as he was her primary caregiver for her entire life.  She was definitely a Daddy's girl.  After six very difficult months of surgery, chemo and radiation treatments we had the gift of nine months where he was doing much better.  We went on a major vacation that summer and enjoyed making some wonderful memories.  Then last October we learned of growths on his liver which was confirmed as the pancreatic cancer in November.  He immediately wanted to have a just becuase party and I therefore had one for him.  Then come December he starts an affair it escalates through this March when I mistakenly find out.  He denies and lies about it but then admits to it but continues to lie.  There are so many details I could go on about for quite some time but the bottom line is I have been devasted by his actions.  Now as he continues to get sicker I find that I often just don't know what to do.  It is all just too much.  If anyone can offer some suport and/or suggestions it would be really appreciated.  Broken hearted cargiver.Just wanted to see how your husband and you and family doing?Did he go back to the Dr.? As for my husband,so far o.k. Thanks To God!! Mostly, how are you doing?Keep in touch.I do keep  you in my prayers that God will be there for you in what ever you need.                                                Rally53Rally,Thank you so much for your prayers and checkin on us.  Yes, he had another scan recently and had a follow up Dr. appt this week.  The two liver leasions haven't grown but what they had been calling scar tissue from his surgery has started to grow so now they are not sure about what that is.  He is still able to take care of himself so far.  I seem to be doing better overall but definitely have a lot less patience and get angry very easily (usually at least once daily).  Glad that your husband is doing well.  Karen Broken Heart Thu, 17 Jan 2008 00:00:00 GMT Does anyone know how common this is? Is it an end of life thing? or a "chemo brian" thing?  I had something similar happen to me recently and I am still just really trying to figure out how to even get my head around it. I was totally surprised to see this topic here, but glad cause I could use some advice. alwaysthere Thu, 24 Jan 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 1/24/2008 alwaysthere wrote:Does anyone know how common this is? Is it an end of life thing? or a "chemo brian" thing?  I had something similar happen to me recently and I am still just really trying to figure out how to even get my head around it. I was totally surprised to see this topic here, but glad cause I could use some advice.Alwaysthere,I've heard of four cases (including yours) in addition to mine now.  Three I've learned about from the internet and one is a friend of my family.  On another site with a forum on this topic out of 65 posts only two are about the ill spouse cheating.  Also, if I assume that from your post it the male in the relationship that cheated that makes it one female and four males that had affairs during their illness.  I know that is not alot of statistics to base solid conculsions on but it supports what I believe.  I believe just like all infidelity that it is a shelfish thing.  I do not believe that it and end of life thing or drugs - those are just excuses and everyone that has an affair has them.  Might the affair not happened at this time if they weren't ill?  Probably not but I believe that given the right circumstances (even perhaps positive stress factors) at a different time they would have an affair.  I think it is a lack of strong morals, difficult times and opportunity that lead them to make the wrong choice.  Really, they have other so many other choices of things to do to make them feel better or they could have filed for divorce.  I haven't been able to wrap my head around it.  I do believe that my husband still cares about me (probably even loves me at some level) but not enough to turn to me or professionals for help rather than some other person.  I logically know it is not my fault although it doesn't always feel that way.  Perhaps your situation is such that you find it possible to accept that it was the drugs.  For instance, I've read that there are many that believe that antidepressants drastically change people.  I can see that the drugs may have influenced him but he still knew right from wrong and should have gotten whatever help he needed to avoid having an affair. He told her several times that they should stop because he didn't want to hurt me. He was totally aware of his actions and able to sneak around and hide it.  Alot of things influence people, drugs and otherwise, we are still responsible for our actions.  Right?Anway, I'm sorry that you are in similar circumstances and also that I'm still so negative.  I hope that you find some peace and please be sure to take care of yourself.Karen Broken Heart Thu, 24 Jan 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 11/17/2007 Broken Heart wrote:Sometimes I just don't know how I can continue with this whole deal.  My husband of 11 years at age 42 was diagnosed with Stage II pancreatic cancer in July 2005.  We have two beautiful daughters now ages 8 and 3.  He had been a stay at home parent for six years at the time of the intial diagnoses and it has been so hard for our eldest daughter as he was her primary caregiver for her entire life.  She was definitely a Daddy's girl.  After six very difficult months of surgery, chemo and radiation treatments we had the gift of nine months where he was doing much better.  We went on a major vacation that summer and enjoyed making some wonderful memories.  Then last October we learned of growths on his liver which was confirmed as the pancreatic cancer in November.  He immediately wanted to have a just becuase party and I therefore had one for him.  Then come December he starts an affair it escalates through this March when I mistakenly find out.  He denies and lies about it but then admits to it but continues to lie.  There are so many details I could go on about for quite some time but the bottom line is I have been devasted by his actions.  Now as he continues to get sicker I find that I often just don't know what to do.  It is all just too much.  If anyone can offer some suport and/or suggestions it would be really appreciated.  Broken hearted cargiver.I am so sorry that this has happened to you. I do believe you want to do the best for your children and only you know what that is.If you feel you can not give him the care that he needs, then you should make a plan  a.s.a.p., i.e seperate apartment ect...I would tell the other women to feel free to come to his apartment and help him with the care he will need. You gave your best and did nothing wrong and you have got to feel good about that. I would hope you do something or let it go before the kids realize he is sick again. As far as religion goes, he already broke any commitment of wed lock.I can understand if  he felt he needed to have every exsperience  before he faced the road ahead of him, however that does not make you any less hurt .We can not understand what it is like to face this road. But he had to realize what he would lose and still made the choice. Good Luck . I do not think there is a wrong answer, They both Suck.   lacasalia Wed, 28 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 1/24/2008 Broken Heart wrote: On 1/24/2008 alwaysthere wrote:Does anyone know how common this is? Is it an end of life thing? or a "chemo brian" thing?  I had something similar happen to me recently and I am still just really trying to figure out how to even get my head around it. I was totally surprised to see this topic here, but glad cause I could use some advice.Alwaysthere,I've heard of four cases (including yours) in addition to mine now.  Three I've learned about from the internet and one is a friend of my family.  On another site with a forum on this topic out of 65 posts only two are about the ill spouse cheating.  Also, if I assume that from your post it the male in the relationship that cheated that makes it one female and four males that had affairs during their illness.  I know that is not alot of statistics to base solid conculsions on but it supports what I believe.  I believe just like all infidelity that it is a shelfish thing.  I do not believe that it and end of life thing or drugs - those are just excuses and everyone that has an affair has them.  Might the affair not happened at this time if they weren't ill?  Probably not but I believe that given the right circumstances (even perhaps positive stress factors) at a different time they would have an affair.  I think it is a lack of strong morals, difficult times and opportunity that lead them to make the wrong choice.  Really, they have other so many other choices of things to do to make them feel better or they could have filed for divorce.  I haven't been able to wrap my head around it.  I do believe that my husband still cares about me (probably even loves me at some level) but not enough to turn to me or professionals for help rather than some other person.  I logically know it is not my fault although it doesn't always feel that way.  Perhaps your situation is such that you find it possible to accept that it was the drugs.  For instance, I've read that there are many that believe that antidepressants drastically change people.  I can see that the drugs may have influenced him but he still knew right from wrong and should have gotten whatever help he needed to avoid having an affair. He told her several times that they should stop because he didn't want to hurt me. He was totally aware of his actions and able to sneak around and hide it.  Alot of things influence people, drugs and otherwise, we are still responsible for our actions.  Right?Anway, I'm sorry that you are in similar circumstances and also that I'm still so negative.  I hope that you find some peace and please be sure to take care of yourself.KarenI just found this forum and wanted to know how you are doing.  I don't know much about "chemo brain" but I do know that it's real.  My aunt died of breast cancer and a couple of months before she died, she was trying to balance her checkbook and pay some bills and couldn't connect in her brain how to do that.  Her best friend took over for her and while straightening the whole mess out, found that she was 30,000 in debt to some of these payday loan places (that charge 27% interest).  Funny thing is, she and her husband are/were  both pharmacists and made in excess of 150,000 per year.  Absolutely no need for any loans.  Go figure.  Very, VERY out of character for her.  I don't understand it, but strange things do happen. I do know this:  You are 10 times the woman he ever thought you were for what you are doing.  You will be blessed for your goodness.Best wishes and may God bless you,jodi  daughter-alone Sun, 03 Aug 2008 00:00:00 GMT Jodi,Thank you for checking on me.  I also believe that chemo brain is real but  from what I read it is about having problems remembering things.  He had no problem remembering to sneak around during his affair.  I firmly believe that he was influenced by many things but still had a choice.  Anyway, nothing much has changed around here.  I still struggle with my living situation.  Thanks for you wishes and I hope things are going alright with whatever brought you here.Karen Broken Heart Tue, 05 Aug 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 8/5/2008 Broken Heart wrote:Jodi,Thank you for checking on me.  I also believe that chemo brain is real but  from what I read it is about having problems remembering things.  He had no problem remembering to sneak around during his affair.  I firmly believe that he was influenced by many things but still had a choice.  Anyway, nothing much has changed around here.  I still struggle with my living situation.  Thanks for you wishes and I hope things are going alright with whatever brought you here.KarenIt's been awhile since we have heard from you.How is your husband? And hopefully you are doing better.Keep in touch. rally53 Sat, 27 Sep 2008 00:00:00 GMT