CancerCompass message board discussion started by Patty5 on 1/4/2008 http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,19393,0.htm Fri, 10 Oct 2008 00:00:00 GMT Fri, 10 Oct 2008 00:00:00 GMT http://backend.userland.com/rss RSS.NET: http://www.rssdotnet.com/ To all my friends,          Mama has fought a hard battle against cancer and as far as I know she has won. But advanced COPD she cannot overcome. She is in the hospital now and I have been told that she doesn't have long.      I have read so many stories of my friends here losing someone. How do I do this ? Mama is my best friend. I am 44 years old and we have lived together all except 6 months of my life. I am afraid. Right now I have been up for over 24 hrs and my sister is staying with her tonight so I can sleep. I don't want to sleep and wake up and realize this is not a bad dream.  I am lost now and she is still here. I don't want her to suffer. Please, please pray for Mama and me.                                                                 Pat Patty5 Fri, 04 Jan 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 1/4/2008 Patty5 wrote:To all my friends,          Mama has fought a hard battle against cancer and as far as I know she has won. But advanced COPD she cannot overcome. She is in the hospital now and I have been told that she doesn't have long.      I have read so many stories of my friends here losing someone. How do I do this ? Mama is my best friend. I am 44 years old and we have lived together all except 6 months of my life. I am afraid. Right now I have been up for over 24 hrs and my sister is staying with her tonight so I can sleep. I don't want to sleep and wake up and realize this is not a bad dream.  I am lost now and she is still here. I don't want her to suffer. Please, please pray for Mama and me.                                                                 PatMy prayers are with you! May Gods loving arms be with you and your family.My husband has RCC.Its been 3 years since we learn about it.So I know what you are going threw,I pray ALOT! Keep us inform.                                               Rally 53 rally53 Fri, 04 Jan 2008 00:00:00 GMT Thank you for your prayers. I will pray for you and your husband too.pat Patty5 Sat, 05 Jan 2008 00:00:00 GMT I am 33 and I lay my momma to rest on the 21 of dec.  I know that I was told to reassure momma that me and the kids would be fine that we would miss her so much but not to worry about us that she made us strong and could somehow get through this knowing she would be with us in spirit.  I told her just that and 3 days later she was gone.  Now very selfishly I wish I had told her to stay with me that I am certainly not fine and everything is a mess, I have horible nightmares and wake everynight crying out for her.  I know you will ever feel pain like this pain.  You think you will be glad she is out of pain, but there will be a load of emotions that will hit you, you make sure you leave nothing unsaid to her.  My aunt had mom at her house the last 4 weeks of her life and everyday I was there, but my aunt would never leave the room and some times I wanted to clear the air about things from my childhood, I know momma couldnt change things, I just wished I could have had 30 minutes to let her know I forgave her for her wrongdoings and mistakes as a parent but no one is perfect.  I just didnt' have the chance to express how much her friendship and love meant to me and my kids.  now i never will.  God bless you and your momma.  Tina TinaD Sat, 05 Jan 2008 00:00:00 GMT Oh Pat!!!  What the heck??  I am so sorry to hear this!!!!  Listen, I am going to email you okay.  Please know I am praying and am thinking of you!!  love - karen Worriedsick Sat, 05 Jan 2008 00:00:00 GMT I lost my mom, my best friend on 12/21/2007 from pancreatic cancer.  I was her caregiver and she lived with me basically since june.  She was 63 i am 36--married with 5yr old and 2 yr old.  My husband works evenings--so efore she became ill we were together 4-5 nights a week and talked her 4-5 times a day.  When she lived with use i took care of her and we prayed for god to take her as she was suffering so much.  It has been 15 days and i do not know what to do with myself.  I am so empty and depressed. I wake up and cant wait for it to be nighttime to go back to bed.  I think of her constantly.  My brother called laughing last week, i said how can you laugh, he said i happy mom is not suffering any more and that makes me happy.  Well i think of what he said everyday and it helps.  Its not easy and it sucks,  its not fair.  I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Kellypicco Sat, 05 Jan 2008 00:00:00 GMT Hi Pat,I am so sorry you are going through this.  You are never prepared for this to happen even though you know that it will someday.  I pray for you and your Mom, and I know how you are feeling.Take care of yourself,Mary Hilbee Sat, 05 Jan 2008 00:00:00 GMT Dear Pat:  I pray for you and hope that you are strong enough to get through the ordeal you have ahead of you.  Please remember to always be gentle with yourself and take time to rest and eat.  You cannot be the support you want to be nor can you face what is ahead if you are ill yourself.  You know that I lost my beloved Robbie in October and I am still in deep grief.  I wake up each morning hoping it was all a bad dream but then realize that I have lost my child.  Some days you are like me I am sure and feel that you are just holding on by your fingernails.  Please believe me when I say that I feel your pain and I pray that you will get through this.  God Bless and Keep you.Love LynnPS:  I appreciated all the support you gave to me during Robbie's battle and I am trying very hard to continue helping others who have to fight this demon. Momlynn Sat, 05 Jan 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 1/5/2008 TinaD wrote:I am 33 and I lay my momma to rest on the 21 of dec.  I know that I was told to reassure momma that me and the kids would be fine that we would miss her so much but not to worry about us that she made us strong and could somehow get through this knowing she would be with us in spirit.  I told her just that and 3 days later she was gone.  Now very selfishly I wish I had told her to stay with me that I am certainly not fine and everything is a mess, I have horible nightmares and wake everynight crying out for her.  I know you will ever feel pain like this pain.  You think you will be glad she is out of pain, but there will be a load of emotions that will hit you, you make sure you leave nothing unsaid to her.  My aunt had mom at her house the last 4 weeks of her life and everyday I was there, but my aunt would never leave the room and some times I wanted to clear the air about things from my childhood, I know momma couldnt change things, I just wished I could have had 30 minutes to let her know I forgave her for her wrongdoings and mistakes as a parent but no one is perfect.  I just didnt' have the chance to express how much her friendship and love meant to me and my kids.  now i never will.  God bless you and your momma.  TinaHi Tina:  I lost my beloved son, Robbie, aged 35 to this beast on October 7, 2007.  I never thought that I could tell him to go but when I saw him the evening of October 6, and I could tell that he was suffering I went over to him and said "Robbie, this should be me and not you.  I love you more than life itself and I would give anything in this world to make you better.  I do not want to lose you but it breaks my heart in two to watch you suffer.  We will look after Maria and the girls (he has 2 little girls 9 and 5), if Jesus comes, take his hand and go.  My son awoke the next morning and had a wonderful time with his wife and daughters.  He laughed, played hugged and kissed them and then went to his bed for a nap. I knew in my heart the moment he passed away.  I called his home and insisted that Maria check on him for me.  She told me that she had just come upstairs 10 minutes before and he was sleeping peacefully.  I begged her to check on him and when she went to their room, he had slipped peacefully away.  I know how you feel because I, too, told my loved one to go.  I too wake up every morning praying that the last 2 years were nothing more than a nightmare and then realize the stark reality of my life.  My son hugged and kissed me after our last talk and told me how much he loved me and I told him how much I loved him.  I cannot tell you how painful it is for me to have told my son to go.  I know that everyone says that people need to have permission to leave us.  I am still in deep shock and grief over my son's death.  I cannot believe that I have lost him and more than anything I want him back - and yet I don't want him to suffer.  It is a strange world we live in.  I prayed for 18 months for God to save him and then in the end I prayed that God would take him home peacefully so that he did not have to suffer.  We have to be very gentle with ourselves.  We cannot feel guilty because we gave our loved one permission to go.  Grief is very real and we need to try to look after ourselves.  The grief counsellor that I have been seeing has told me that someday I will feel honoured that I had the privilege of giving my child permission to go - someday but I don't think it will be anytime soon.  Each and everyone of us grieves differently.  I am unable to concentrate and so I am not able to return to my job as a legal assistant.  I am helping my daughter-in-law and my granddaughters to get through this terrible time and I take time for myself.  Grief is very exhausting.  You will find that people are always ready to offer advice on when you should "be over this".  Please do not let them lessen how you feel and push things down inside.  Grieve the way you feel is best for you.  Change the way you do holidays if it helps.  Do anything and everything to help you get yourself through this difficult time.  I understand that it takes 1 year before we actually believe our loved one is gone, and in year 2 we attempt to do the things that our loved one did and then in year 3 we begin to live again.  I also understand that our grief will never end.  We will always grieve for our loved ones - you for your mama and me for my son.  Be very gentle with yourself and allow yourself to feel however you want to get through this.  God Bless you and yours and even though, like me, I know that you do not want to hear this but we both know that Robbie and your Mama are in a better place and are at peace.Love Lynn Momlynn Sat, 05 Jan 2008 00:00:00 GMT Lynn-Thank you for sharing so deeply from your heart.  Although I am blessed to still have my husband after 2 years with esophageal cancer, I lost a brother as a teen, so understand something about grief. The fact that you care deeply enough about others to try and help them with their burden too will help you to heal in time, but I know after 34 years that grief never truly goes away.  I will keep you and your family in my prayers. tongrenhealer Sun, 06 Jan 2008 00:00:00 GMT Hi All,        I want to thank all of you for your support. I want to answer everbody but for now I will just post one message so I can get some things done to get back to the hospital.     Mama is about the same. She has spells that scare me and are heartbreaking to see. Her lung Dr said yesterday you can't tell with lung disease. She can be doing OK and then things can change quickly. He said her lungs are stretched as far as they can and that they will go. He doesn't know when but sooner than later was his words.   Lynn I know you are still going through hell as are others on this board and thank you for your support.     When I pray for Mama I want forget to pray for all of you too. I will update when I can. Love to all,                                                     Pat   Patty5 Sun, 06 Jan 2008 00:00:00 GMT Dear Pat,I am so so sorry to hear that your mom has taken a turn for the worse.  I haven't been on this site for a couple of weeks as we were in NY for Christmas.  I am praying for you and your mom.  I hope that she doesn't suffer unnecessarily and that you will be a source of comfort to her in the upcoming days.  No words can express the devastation of losing a parent and I suspect your loss will be very difficult as you were so close to her and lived with her your entire life.  Please know that this board is full of hundreds of people who are saying prayers for you and Mama.Love,Debby Debbyw67 Sun, 06 Jan 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 1/4/2008 rally53 wrote: On 1/4/2008 Patty5 wrote:To all my friends,          Mama has fought a hard battle against cancer and as far as I know she has won. But advanced COPD she cannot overcome. She is in the hospital now and I have been told that she doesn't have long.      I have read so many stories of my friends here losing someone. How do I do this ? Mama is my best friend. I am 44 years old and we have lived together all except 6 months of my life. I am afraid. Right now I have been up for over 24 hrs and my sister is staying with her tonight so I can sleep. I don't want to sleep and wake up and realize this is not a bad dream.  I am lost now and she is still here. I don't want her to suffer. Please, please pray for Mama and me.                                                                 PatMy prayers are with you! May Gods loving arms be with you and your family.My husband has RCC.Its been 3 years since we learn about it.So I know what you are going threw,I pray ALOT! Keep us inform.                                               Rally 53How is your mom doing? Did you get any rest? Get some rest so you can be there for your mom. I will be praying for you.keep me inform.                                                          Rally 53  rally53 Sun, 06 Jan 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 1/5/2008 Momlynn wrote: On 1/5/2008 TinaD wrote:I am 33 and I lay my momma to rest on the 21 of dec.  I know that I was told to reassure momma that me and the kids would be fine that we would miss her so much but not to worry about us that she made us strong and could somehow get through this knowing she would be with us in spirit.  I told her just that and 3 days later she was gone.  Now very selfishly I wish I had told her to stay with me that I am certainly not fine and everything is a mess, I have horible nightmares and wake everynight crying out for her.  I know you will ever feel pain like this pain.  You think you will be glad she is out of pain, but there will be a load of emotions that will hit you, you make sure you leave nothing unsaid to her.  My aunt had mom at her house the last 4 weeks of her life and everyday I was there, but my aunt would never leave the room and some times I wanted to clear the air about things from my childhood, I know momma couldnt change things, I just wished I could have had 30 minutes to let her know I forgave her for her wrongdoings and mistakes as a parent but no one is perfect.  I just didnt' have the chance to express how much her friendship and love meant to me and my kids.  now i never will.  God bless you and your momma.  TinaI just fininshHi Tina:  I lost my beloved son, Robbie, aged 35 to this beast on October 7, 2007.  I never thought that I could tell him to go but when I saw him the evening of October 6, and I could tell that he was suffering I went over to him and said "Robbie, this should be me and not you.  I love you more than life itself and I would give anything in this world to make you better.  I do not want to lose you but it breaks my heart in two to watch you suffer.  We will look after Maria and the girls (he has 2 little girls 9 and 5), if Jesus comes, take his hand and go.  My son awoke the next morning and had a wonderful time with his wife and daughters.  He laughed, played hugged and kissed them and then went to his bed for a nap. I knew in my heart the moment he passed away.  I called his home and insisted that Maria check on him for me.  She told me that she had just come upstairs 10 minutes before and he was sleeping peacefully.  I begged her to check on him and when she went to their room, he had slipped peacefully away.  I know how you feel because I, too, told my loved one to go.  I too wake up every morning praying that the last 2 years were nothing more than a nightmare and then realize the stark reality of my life.  My son hugged and kissed me after our last talk and told me how much he loved me and I told him how much I loved him.  I cannot tell you how painful it is for me to have told my son to go.  I know that everyone says that people need to have permission to leave us.  I am still in deep shock and grief over my son's death.  I cannot believe that I have lost him and more than anything I want him back - and yet I don't want him to suffer.  It is a strange world we live in.  I prayed for 18 months for God to save him and then in the end I prayed that God would take him home peacefully so that he did not have to suffer.  We have to be very gentle with ourselves.  We cannot feel guilty because we gave our loved one permission to go.  Grief is very real and we need to try to look after ourselves.  The grief counsellor that I have been seeing has told me that someday I will feel honoured that I had the privilege of giving my child permission to go - someday but I don't think it will be anytime soon.  Each and everyone of us grieves differently.  I am unable to concentrate and so I am not able to return to my job as a legal assistant.  I am helping my daughter-in-law and my granddaughters to get through this terrible time and I take time for myself.  Grief is very exhausting.  You will find that people are always ready to offer advice on when you should "be over this".  Please do not let them lessen how you feel and push things down inside.  Grieve the way you feel is best for you.  Change the way you do holidays if it helps.  Do anything and everything to help you get yourself through this difficult time.  I understand that it takes 1 year before we actually believe our loved one is gone, and in year 2 we attempt to do the things that our loved one did and then in year 3 we begin to live again.  I also understand that our grief will never end.  We will always grieve for our loved ones - you for your mama and me for my son.  Be very gentle with yourself and allow yourself to feel however you want to get through this.  God Bless you and yours and even though, like me, I know that you do not want to hear this but we both know that Robbie and your Mama are in a better place and are at peace.Love LynnI just finish reading your story, my husband, who is 50, has kidney cancer, it been 3 year since we first found out about it, he had he rigth kidney remove, was taking INTERFERON,then a year from that went to his lung, had some remove, in aug 07, it came back to the same place, on he is on Nexavar.So far so good, THANKS TO GOD. A day doesn't go by that I don't think about live without my husband and it  upsets me so bad, but i cry on my way to work or on my way home.I want to be strong for him. My prayers are with you and your family.                                                              Rally 53  rally53 Sun, 06 Jan 2008 00:00:00 GMT Pat,I am so sorry to hear about your Mom.  I haven't posted in a while, but I read the message board everyday.  I had to write today.  You have been such a huge help to so many people on this site.  So positive and strong.  I just hope you know that we will be praying for you and your Mom.  You just never know.  Your Mom fights the beast and wins and then this.  Take care of yourself and when you can update us.  -Becky Strong4him Mon, 07 Jan 2008 00:00:00 GMT Dear Pat:  Be very gentle with yourself.  As you know, I lost my beloved son, Robbie, on October 7, 2007 to this beast.  Nothing can take away your grief.  I have found a wonderful grief counsellor and she has told me that I MUST take care of myself.  Please remember to eat 3 meals each day - some days I still have to force myself.  Let yourself grieve and mourn when the time comes.  Please Please do not let others tell you how or when your grieving should come to an end. I believe that I will grieve for the rest of my life for the unfinished time that my son did not have.  I have heard that the intense stage of grief lasts from 1-3 years and then we begin to learn to live again.  I have not returned to work yet, and I don't know when I will be ready.  Allow yourself to cry.  Remember this saying "I dropped a tear into the ocean and when you find it, that is when I will stop thinking of you".  Your Mama knows how very much you love her just as Robbie knew how much I loved him.  It was me who gave him permission to go.  I don't know where I got the strength but it came because my heart broke to see him suffer so.  The grief counsellor and our church family all tell me that in time I will be glad that I was able to give him that peace.  Right now, I cannot help but wonder if I hurried his death and yet I know in my heart that Robbie had that appointment with God whether I told him to go or not, I just made it easier, but it is still hard.  Each day I wake up and hope it was just a nightmare but it is true.  Somehow we all get through it and I know you will too Pat.  Just take it one day at a time and always remember that in order to go on we must grieve our loved one's loss.  Hugs to you Pat, you helped me soo much when Robbie was ill.  Take care.Love Lynn Momlynn Mon, 07 Jan 2008 00:00:00 GMT Pat,I wish you much peace. I know all too well what you are going through, having just lost mom to lung cancer.  I'll tell you, it was hard to let go. But,it got to the point that it would have been selfish to want to keep her here with us any longer. The life she was living was not a life she wanted. She wasnt the mom, grandma, sister, aunt, that we all knew. She was a sick, frail old woman that wanted to be told it was ok to leave.Be strong, take care of yourself, and I'll be in my prayers.  Please keep us posted. Feel free to send me a PM if you want to talk.  Linda 2cats Tue, 08 Jan 2008 00:00:00 GMT