CancerCompass message board discussion started by mikeshan on 1/13/2008 http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,19675,0.htm Mon, 13 Oct 2008 00:00:00 GMT Mon, 13 Oct 2008 00:00:00 GMT http://backend.userland.com/rss RSS.NET: http://www.rssdotnet.com/ Shannon passed away on friday the 11th at 430 in the afternoon. we had a doctor come over at noon and she thought she was looking okay and that she didnt need a blood transfusion(lab results were good). that brought her spirits up as the few days before were quite rough. Then we had homecare come over at 2 in the afternoon to see us and check on her. Shannons spirits were great cause she wanted to go to her moms house and stay there for the final month or weeks that she had left as she didnt want to die in our home. we were watching tv together and she thought that she was going to throw up. I grabbed a tupperware container and she started throwing up blood. i phoned the ambulance and by the time we started driving she was gone. no spouse should ever have to see that happen. I just thank god my little one was at my moms. I have to move as i cant get the picture out of my head of her shaking and the blood on the carpetwhen i sit in our living room.i know this is graphic but thats what happened. I am catholic but not a practicing one and shannon wasnt catholic There is lots of talk about faith on this site and I understand peoples views but I dont see how this is justified yes I knew this was comming but young people aren't suppose to die. Old people die after fulfiilling there life. It s been a long two years since she was initially diagnosed with colon cancer and I am glad there is no more pain cause the pain people have is crazy the amount of medicine and pills i dumped out was amazing. I hope she is in a better place and alyssa and i went for a walk to the park tonight to see her star and say goodnight. Thank you all for your support over the last few months. I miss my wifemike  mikeshan Sun, 13 Jan 2008 00:00:00 GMT Mike-So sorry Shannon is gone.  I understand your anger because it just isn't fair to watch the people we love suffer the indignities of cancer.  If there are blessings to be found it would be that she was feeling positive about how things were going, and that the kids weren't home.  I'm just really sorry it had to be so traumatic for you, and in your home.  I have mixed feelings about being at home because of the memories, so Shannon's plan to be at her Mom's was a good one, but like so many of our expectations, didn't come to be.  Part of why I try not to have expectations (not an easy task)-is they just leave me angry when they are unfulfilled.  I will keep you and your family in my prayers, and see your family and home surrounded and filled with healing light.  I hope you and your children find comfort in one another in the days to come.      tongrenhealer Sun, 13 Jan 2008 00:00:00 GMT Dear Mike,      I am so,so sorry. I am sorry for you and your daughter and that you were robbed of a lifetime with Shannon. I am glad that she is not fighting the beast anymore.   I understand your doubts. I pray every night but I get angry with God sometimes. I don't know why people have to suffer. I hope maybe one day we all will understand. Right now, with all the sadness around me it just seems like life sucks and then you die. But I will keep praying because I must believe there is a better place and your Shannon and my brother are there.  One day I know you and Alyssa will go to Disney and I know Shannon will be there with you both.   Please know there are people on this board that care about you and Alyssa. If you need to "talk" we are here. Please take care,                                                                                      Pat Patty5 Sun, 13 Jan 2008 00:00:00 GMT Mike,I don't write much, but read the site daily.  I was immediately sad when I saw your post.  I am so sorry for your and Alyssa's loss.  I wish I could say the magic words to make your pain go away, but we all know there are no magic words.  Take care of eachother.-Becky Strong4him Mon, 14 Jan 2008 00:00:00 GMT Mike I also do not post often, but wanted u to know that u and Alyssa are in my thoughts.  I wish I could say more, but just know that everyone here supports u and Alyssa!  I have to say that ur ability to say exactly how u feel is wonderful and will help u heal.  Continue to talk about it and say how u feel...It's good for u and Alyssa!! Megan meg_erin Mon, 14 Jan 2008 00:00:00 GMT Mike - I read your post a couple of days ago and didn't respond because I just couldn't find the words.  As you may remember, I lost my Dad to the first round of chemo for his stage IV EC in June.  I did consider it divine intervention to make certain he did not have to endure the end stage of this disease.  Since then, other wonderful warriors whose stories I've been following and loved ones I had written to have had to succumb to this hideous disease.  Each and every time that has happened, it hits me hard and I am overcome with grief but always able to write to the loved one left behind.  I seem to take it personally some how - you see, I realize I am still in this war with this BEAST and those still here and fighting are part of my war.  I want so desperately for these wonderful warriors to win!!!!!  Anyone, everyone, WIN!!!  LIVE!!! BEAT THIS BEAST!!!  My God, we can go to moon, isolate a gene, divide a cell, clone things - why then can't we cure this cancer!!!  Anyway, when I read your post, it just deflated me.  I felt drained in this fight and didn't know what to say to you Mike.  There is, of course, no right thing to say, is there.   I will say this though.  So many of us caregivers on this board are women.  I don't know why, but, your plight through your posts seemed to grab my heart instantly.  Maybe because you are a man and men notoriously do not share deep emotions, especially with strangers.  Your poignant, moving posts expressed your deep love for your wife and daughter.  They also revealed your fear of losing your beloved wife and your fear of raising Alyssa without your wife.  It also revealed an incredible strength in you Mike.  It was obvious through your posts that you are strong, compassionate, kind and passionate.  What I am trying to say Mike is that you are an extraordinary Dad for Alyssa.  Your ability to share your deep emotions, plus the above listed qualities will be the tools to help you weather any storm you and/or Alyssa encounter.  I did not know Shannon, but, am certain just from the glimpes of her you've given us, that she too knew you were a wonderfully qualified person to raise Alyssa without her being physically here with you.  You do know Mike that Shannon is alive in your heart and in Alyssa's.  You will keep her memory alive and your love for her as well. She is watching over you.   I know how you are feeling right now, but, I also know that you, Mike will be okay.  You are an extraordinary person!  Please know we walk beside you in this journey and please know my thoughts and prayers are with you and Alyssa.   God speed - Karen Worriedsick Mon, 14 Jan 2008 00:00:00 GMT I am so so sorry. Angedoon Tue, 15 Jan 2008 00:00:00 GMT Dear Mike,I am so sorry to hear your sad news.  Your story of Shannon's battle touched my heart from the start and I have been silently watching her saga unfold here and praying for a miracle for her. Perhaps as Karen has said many times, we need to find our miracles and they are not always the miracles we had hoped for.  I don't know you Mike and I know that it is difficult to fathom life without Shannon and to face the reality of raising Alyssa without her mom but I just want you to know that the  strength and grace you have shown on this site is amazing.  I am praying for you and Alyssa and hope that you will check in and let us know how you are doing.I lost my dad in July and yet I continue to check in here every week or two.  The bonds that are formed here are real and I guess I am just not ready to completely let go of all of this.  As long as there are stories of people who are battling this disease that continue to grab my heart, I must continue to check in and see if anyone has beat this damn thing.  Cherish your memories of your amazing wife and the beautiful daughter who is her legacy.Debby Debbyw67 Tue, 15 Jan 2008 00:00:00 GMT Mike,I am so very sorry about the loss of your wife Shannon.  I know you have been through so much and the days ahead will be difficult.  I will pray for you and your daughter, that God will wrap His loving arms around you both and give you comfort.  It's so hard to know what to say, but I wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and praying for you.  God bless.Joanne  joanie9093 Tue, 15 Jan 2008 00:00:00 GMT I'm so sorry for you loss. My heart goes out to you. I just lost my mom 2 weeks ago. I can't imagine the pain the loss of a spouse would cause.  Wishing you much peace in the coming days. 2cats Tue, 15 Jan 2008 00:00:00 GMT Dear Mike:  This is the first time I have been on the boards for a few days.  I am very sorry for you and your little one.  As you will remember, my beloved son, Robbie, lost his battle to EC on October 7, 2007.  We are not Catholic but Anglican (pretty well the same thing).  I agree with you that young people should not die but we do not have the power to say who lives and who does not.  My son kept his faith all through his battle and as his older brother began to blame God, Robbie told him that this was not the work of God but of  the devil and the world.  Robbie and I gave communion together on Sunday September 23rd 2007 exactly 2 weeks before he passed away.  Fortunately, Robbie did not throw up blood, he was just dry heaving.  Robbie did die at home in his own bed.  His wife and daughters take a lot of comfort out of being in the home  they shared and in the room and bed that Robbie passed away in.  I am seeing a grief counsellor and she is constantly telling me that we all grieve in our own way and that our grief never goes away it just lessens with time and that we learn to live again without our loved one.  I can honestly tell you, Mike, that I personally am not even close to accepting the death of my son let alone beginning to live again.  My faith tells me that my beloved Robbie is in Heaven and he will be waiting for me when my time comes.  To be honest Mike, if I did not believe that I don't know how I could survive.  Take all the time you need to grieve.  Please, Mike don't make any life altering decisions too soon.  Have the carpet changed but try and wait a while before you look for a new home.  You and Alyssa have many memories of Shannon in that home - they are all not bad.  I know that when I am at Robbie's home I have a sense of peace now.  At first it was hard to go there and not see him.  Christmas was hard, and I am told that all of the firsts will be hard.  I am dreading Easter - it will also be the 36th anniversary of his birth.  Please please Mike be very gentle with yourself and let yourself grieve and mourn.  Shannon, I am sure, is in Heaven with my Robbie and they are free from pain and they are and will be with us always.  I remember when Robbie was first diagnosed I spoke to our priest and I told him that I had lost my faith and that I was mad at God for allowing my son to have a terminal illness.  Father Bob told me that I had not lost my faith I had just misplaced it and that he would be more concerned about me if I told him quite calmly that it was God's will.  He told me that I would once again find my faith because I had just misplaced it and that it was certainly OK to be mad at God - we all are at times.  Please take care.Hugs to you and Alyssalove Lynn Momlynn Wed, 16 Jan 2008 00:00:00 GMT Dear Mike,I'm so very sorry and sad to hear that Shannon is gone.  I have been following your and Shannon's story since you first posted.  I was amazed that a husband could be so poignant and loving when writing about his wife.  Men are usually the "quiet" ones, keeping things to themselves.  At least that's my experience with my husband, and other men as well.Shannon is at peace now and no longer in pain.  For you and your daughter, you have a long road of healing ahead of you.  But you are a very strong man, and a wonderful father and husband.  I know you can do this for your daughter.I agree with Karen -please do NOT make any changes for at least 1 year.  Too many people either sell their house, move to another area outside their 'familiar' zone and find that they have no loved ones around. You did everything possible and more for Shannon - and I totally understand your anger with God.  I really do.  I lost my brother when he was only 29 years old, leaving a wife and two babies.  I lost my father to prostate cancer 14 years ago.  And now my husband has stage IV EC with a terminal diagnosis.So it's OK to be angry - just don't lose sight of how you want to raise your daughter.  You want to keep the love and hope in her heart and eyes, and you are the one that will be able to do that for her.I'm saying a prayer for you right now Mike - just a prayer that you will eventually find peace.Gentle hugs,Azzie/Pat   Azzie21 Sat, 19 Jan 2008 00:00:00 GMT