CancerCompass message board discussion started by BrianK on 4/4/2008 http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,22713,0.htm Sat, 11 Oct 2008 00:00:00 GMT Sat, 11 Oct 2008 00:00:00 GMT http://backend.userland.com/rss RSS.NET: http://www.rssdotnet.com/ My mother's battle with pancreatic cancer ended two months ago today.  My sister and I were at her bedside as she drew her last, gasping breaths.  Physically, she was unrecognizable to me, as the disease had devastated her body, leaving her gaunt and skeletal.  The image haunts me still.Mom quit her second course of chemo after Thanksgiving.  She didn't want to talk much about her disease, but it's clear to me now that the combination of the disease and chemicals was too much for her, and she knew her time was growing short.  So, she quit treatment and focused on feeling as good as she possibly could over the Christmas holiday.  We had a wonderful final Christmas day with her, and then it seems she decided, "OK, I'm ready."  Because as 2007 turned into 2008, her decline accelerated dramatically.  I saw her on weekends, and every time I thought she couldn't look or feel worse, the next weekend brought a new jolt.  This is a sinister disease, and it was so heartbreaking to see my mother succumb to it.  But when the end was obviously happening, I believe it was a blessing that it took her quickly.  She was only 60 years old.Today, I suppose I am like many who lose a parent too soon.  Mourning an incredible loss, and regretful of time unspent and things unsaid over the course of a lifetime.  Ashamed of living life selfishly and burdening a sibling with the "front-line" caretaking responsibilities.  Alternating between finding distractions and sudden bursts of emotion.  Knowing that I'm not grieving this thing in the "right way" at all. Her birthday is next week.  Then Mother's Day... Brian  BrianK Fri, 04 Apr 2008 00:00:00 GMT My Mom died on March 7th, 2008 with me laying beside her, holding her, loving her.  She was my everything, I miss her so bad.  I sit here so sad, alone, empty but the world keeps going on.  It's hard.  Nobody except this group knows how I feel.   I just want to scream...hey people MY MOTHER DIED, why is the world not sad!  But I know it's because they did not have the privledge of knowing her, of taking care of her, of being there.  As hard as it was watching her go thru the battle..I cherish every moment down to her last breathe.  I thank god she is not suffering any longer.  I am filling my home with many special items that she loved.  I want to see an item and remember everything about her.  I don't want to hide from my grief...I want to cherish it.  I think if we were not griefing that would be sad.  Find the happiness in your grief...don't feel guilty if you laugh or smile.  They are now watching over us now...laugh and smile for them! kelwards1 Fri, 04 Apr 2008 00:00:00 GMT Brian,My mom died 20 years ago at age 62 from colon cancer after a valiant 3 year struggle. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of and miss her, especially now that I'm battling my own cancer. But I have always tried to live my life the way my mom would want me to. My mother and yours would not want you living in pity or depression over the loss. Don't feel guilty about enjoying life when you are ready, that's what she'd want as you will want for your children when it becomes your turn. If you can't get passed it, seek some professional help w/ those that deal with grief. You've got to go through all the stages and acceptance is the final step. You'll get there buddy, she'd want you to.Hang in there. You'll make it, she'd want you to.Good luck and may God bless you.Rick rick51 Fri, 04 Apr 2008 00:00:00 GMT Brian,I lost my dad on 01/04/08 and like you, I watched him waste away into nothing.  I moved close to home to be able to spend time with him during the last few months of his life. I was fortunate that I was able to care for him because it gave me the chance to let him know how much I loved him.  We were never a demonstrative and emotional family, but as hard as it was to open up, I did it.  I lost dad three months after he was dagnosed.  I was with him when he was diagnosed and I was there when he took his last agonizing breath.  That vision haunts me still in dreams.  I miss him terribly and wish everyday that I had more time to let him know how much I appreciate his sacrifices to give our family a decent life.  He would have turned 68 on 04/08/08.  He would have retired from work in June. I  feel that he was robbed of so many more vital years.  He loved life, cared for others and looked forward to growing old with his wife of 40 years.  Now he is gone and he is sorely missed.I know your pain, Brian and yes, it does not seem to get any easier for me too.  But our lives will go on somehow. Geri Gerrime Fri, 04 Apr 2008 00:00:00 GMT I know how you feel.  I lost my dad on Dec 22, 2008 from PC.  We just passed the three month mark and it's been hard to deal with.  I still find myself crying randomly and i too vividly remember dad's last moments of life.  He was almost unrecognizable, he had lost so much weight..in fact when we veiwed him in his coffin it didn't even look like him.  If i hadn't known it was him i wouldn't have believed it.  He just didnt' look anything like I remember him. It was a viscious cancer.  So many days i just wish i could talk with him.  Sometimes it's still hard to believe he's not here anymore.  Things just don't feel the same anymore.  Sometimes i dream of him and in my dreams i see him as the 'old' dad i knew, not the sick dad I said goodbye too. He's always smiling in them.   I waken from the dream crying.  Sometimes it's hard to remember the smiles, laughter we had because the cancer was brutal and his last hours equally as harsh.  I can't seem to get them out of my mind.  I wish i could so that i could remember the good times.  Hopefully, with time those bad images will fade.  I do have peace knowing that i helped as much as possible throughout.  But again it's those memories of me giving dad his last bath, sip of water that make me soooo terribly sad.  I miss him terribly and wish we had more time together.  Dad's birthday would have been in May..coming up ...then..fathers day...Oh how i know your pain.  Many hugs.suz worriedforthem Sat, 05 Apr 2008 00:00:00 GMT Hi Brian.  I too unfortunately know how you feel.  My mother passed away on December 27 at the age of 68.  I not only lost my mother but my friend, cheerleader, Nana to my kids and now there is a huge hole in my heart.  Somedays, I'm not sure how to cope with the overwhelming grief.  I heard something today that made my day a little easier.  Would my mother want to leave a legacy of love or a monument of pain?  My parent's would have celebrated 50 years on April 7 and my heart breaks for my father too.Take care Brian.  One day, there will be a new normal for us. Lisa   LisaS Sat, 05 Apr 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 4/4/2008 kelwards1 wrote:My Mom died on March 7th, 2008 with me laying beside her, holding her, loving her.  She was my everything, I miss her so bad.  I sit here so sad, alone, empty but the world keeps going on.  It's hard.  Nobody except this group knows how I feel.   I just want to scream...hey people MY MOTHER DIED, why is the world not sad!  But I know it's because they did not have the privledge of knowing her, of taking care of her, of being there.  As hard as it was watching her go thru the battle..I cherish every moment down to her last breathe.  I thank god she is not suffering any longer.  I am filling my home with many special items that she loved.  I want to see an item and remember everything about her.  I don't want to hide from my grief...I want to cherish it.  I think if we were not griefing that would be sad.  Find the happiness in your grief...don't feel guilty if you laugh or smile.  They are now watching over us now...laugh and smile for them!  foxcharlie Tue, 15 Apr 2008 00:00:00 GMT I just want to scream...hey people MY MOTHER DIED, why is the world not sad!The world is sad my friend. And We Pray for you at this time.God Bless foxcharlie Tue, 15 Apr 2008 00:00:00 GMT My dearest, precious Mother died last Saturday of PC that had matastized to the liver.  My dad took care of her the last 3 months, she elected to do organic juicing and eating.   My dad had to phone 911 the evening of their 56th anniversary because her coughing was so bad he was concerned.  From that moment until her death was about a week.  I was with her most of the time and spent 1 night with her.  I was with her when she drew her last breath.I am so sorry for those here and the pain that they had with their parents death.  It is not the way to die.I am an only child and very close to both of my parents, they live just 10 minutes from our house.  My children are their only grandchildren.  I phoned mom every morning and we always talked for HOURS each week.  I am grateful that we lived with everything said that needed to be said as far as our love for each other.My mom's death last Saturday was one of the most joyful and peaceful experiences of my life.  I'm telling you I touched heaven with her when she died!  I will never be the same.  She smiled a number of times as we talked and prayed during her final days, hours, and minutes.  There are times I'll break down and cry for a while and then remember back to the place I 'saw" and experienced with her in those final minutes and I cannot help but laugh with joy.  I'll miss her terribly...I do. My dad and I have told many people that death is nothing to fear...it is not a "departure" but an "arrival" for those who know Jesus.  Heaven is such a real place and so very close!  I'm committed to telling this to people after my amazing experience of the reality of heaven....and there is great peace to those who know Jesus.My mom had lost so much weight.  It didn't look like her, but I cannot describe how beautiful she was...even the nurses talked about it....there was such a peace and joy on her face in the midst of these horrible diseases.  Bethie Wed, 16 Apr 2008 00:00:00 GMT