CancerCompass message board discussion started by MaxineSola on 4/13/2008 http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,23022,0.htm Tue, 07 Oct 2008 00:00:00 GMT Tue, 07 Oct 2008 00:00:00 GMT http://backend.userland.com/rss RSS.NET: http://www.rssdotnet.com/ My beloved uncle has been sick since December 2007 and two weeks ago the doctors gave him a diagnosis of pancreatic cancer that has metastisized to the liver. He starts chemotherapy in one week.He lives on the West Coast and I live in the Upper Midwest, over two thousand miles away. I want to come see him before he passes. The issue aside from this situation is I am estranged from a lot of my family due to religious/lifestyle differences and distance. But my uncle was always there for me so I want to be there for him now.Have any of you dealt with this kind of situation...? I am in no way downplaying his illness by mentioning the family drama, I would just hate it if that stupidity got in the way of doing the right thing right now. Thank you for your time and consideration. MaxineSola Sun, 13 Apr 2008 00:00:00 GMT Dear Maxine,First, let me say how sorry I am about your Uncle's diagnosis. It never seems fair when you get a diagnosis of Cancer.As you are not real clear in your posting, I am going to go out on a limb here. I assume you are the "gay" black sheep of the family. If not, I apologize, if you are, this might be of some help.My partner of 24 years is in his 14th month, of an 8 to 10 month guesstimate, fighting inoperable stomach cancer (Still feeling great). We have had some interesting issues come up around this. At the conclusion of our second endoscopy during diagnosis, when he was in the recovery room, I went back to his room and bent down to kiss him as he was waking up. Unbeknownst to me, one of his sisters was right behind me. While she didn't gasp (lol), we did hear about how shocked she was through the ripples in the family. Now after 23 years of living together, it wasn't like everyone didn't know about the elephant in the room, but it was a shock to her.Her son, in his thirties and having lived with us for a while in California many years ago, was the first to confront his mother. His comment to her was, "Your brother has terminal cancer, and you are worried about him being gay? Are you kidding me?" This was quite the shock to her, but gave her food for thought.Time goes by and now we are ready to go into surgery to remove his entire stomach. Both of his sisters and their husbands, and both of his brothers and their wives are staying at the house to be there for surgery and post-op. I had not quit my job at that point, so I had headed for the office. At breakfast, around our dining room table, he had a discussion with all of his siblings. He told them "Scott is my partner and spouse and I expect all of you to respect him and follow his wishes. If you have any issues, now is the time to bring them up." Quiet as a church.Open him up for surgery and discover he is inoperable. Four days later, take him home to a house full of company. Later in the afternoon, I go into our bedroom to discover this sister in bed with him and what appears to be slobber all over my pillow. As it turns out, she has been crying all over my pillow and asking for forgiveness from him for her narrow mindedness. She had even asked her church congregation for prayers for him. At a later date, she had said to her minister, who had asked her how he was doing, "You know my brother is gay." To this he replied, "So, how is he doing?" She has come a long way, but it is still a struggle at times.Contrast that to his other sister, who said to me after getting home from surgery "Can I ask you for a favor? Please just love him with all of your heart". That was good for more than a few tears.My point really is that you have to give family time and space to work through their own issues. You owe it to your uncle, to go see him, hold him, and tell him you love him. Do not let your family make you regret not doing the right thing. Time is short, so get your fanny on a plane and get out there.Sometimes, these issues are caused by ignorance and lack of experience. We as a group are not always real good at providing a good role model to live by, therefore we become known only as what everyone sees at the televised "Gay Pride Parades". Sorry we are not all drag queens etc. We are just human beings with the capacity to love and be loved and God created us all the same. We are all sinners in His eyes. He still loves us all the same. I have found that living a kind, loving example of a life, with service to others, goes a long way in the eyes of others who judge us. They can choose to get over it, or not. That will not make you less of a person. Sometimes just seeing the compassion we can have towards others, can melt someone's heart. We are not always a caricature.Only you can rise above the hurt and betrayal from your family. Give them a chance, you might be surprised. And even if you're not, you owe it to your loving uncle to suck it up. Get going and do the right thing. It is what's in your heart, so just do it. Enjoy your time with your uncle, and don't leave anything unsaid. No Regrets.Thinking of both of you warmly,  Scott  Eliot1 Mon, 14 Apr 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 4/13/2008 MaxineSola wrote:My beloved uncle has been sick since December 2007 and two weeks ago the doctors gave him a diagnosis of pancreatic cancer that has metastisized to the liver. He starts chemotherapy in one week.He lives on the West Coast and I live in the Upper Midwest, over two thousand miles away. I want to come see him before he passes. The issue aside from this situation is I am estranged from a lot of my family due to religious/lifestyle differences and distance. But my uncle was always there for me so I want to be there for him now.Have any of you dealt with this kind of situation...? I am in no way downplaying his illness by mentioning the family drama, I would just hate it if that stupidity got in the way of doing the right thing right now. Thank you for your time and consideration.Hi- I'm very sorry about your Uncle's diagnosis. I'm dealing with a similar situation but from the opposite side. My Dad was diagnosed in April and is rapidly declining. I was contacted by a half brother I never knew I had (I'm 35). The family drama is a definite issue. My Mom wants nothing to do with his other children because she was not accepted by them in the course of their marriage and is much younger than my father. My brother just happened to contact me to be a 'mediator' in communication because I had never changed the phone bill to my married name. I'm very open minded and just want my father to find his closure with all loved ones. Is there any way you might be able to find a similar mediator to your situation? If you would like to talk you can email me at --Message edited by CancerCompass staff. For personal protection, email address removed. Consider private reply. Please review CancerCompass Member Guidelines at http://www.cancercompass.com/common/guidelines.html-- .Also if you have any questions just ask me. I'm medically trained, know all about pancreatic cancer, and am trying to keep my mind occupied before my Dad moves in with my husband and I.Take care!, Diane  bukowski17 Thu, 24 Apr 2008 00:00:00 GMT