CancerCompass message board discussion started by Alias101 on 4/27/2008 http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,23488,0.htm Thu, 24 Jul 2008 00:00:00 GMT Thu, 24 Jul 2008 00:00:00 GMT http://backend.userland.com/rss RSS.NET: http://www.rssdotnet.com/ Hi,My sister and I are both in our mid-twenties and we have always been very close.  A few months ago, she left the country for grad school, but even with her being halfway around the world we were talking at least several times a week.  That is, until a couple of weeks ago, when she filled me in on recent doctor appointments that led to her being suddenly diagnosed with cervical cancer. I don't even know the details of it, and I am so scared, I can't concentrate on anything else. At first, she called me crying, and we talked for a long time, and we talked the following day, but then she seemed to shut down, and now she won't talk to me at all and I feel so helpless because she is literally in another hemisphere. I totally understand that I must respect her need for privacy and her need to cope in her own personal way, but I also want to make it clear to her that I am always going to be here for her when she's ready for my support and I don't know how to do that without making her feel smothered.  When she first called, I did ask her if she wanted me to talk to the rest of the family for her and she said yes, so I did. Plus, she told me her roommate out there is being very supportive of her, so that does make me feel better.  But my question to everyone out there is, could you please help me to understand how I can be the most supportive for her?  I have emailed her cards and sent her IMs that just say that everyone in our family loves her and is here for her, whenever she needs us and she did respond with "thanks".  So should I just stay back and wait for her to contact me, or do I continue to send her little hellos daily? I don't want to nag her, but I don't want to neglect her.  Thank you all for any advice or input you may have. Alias101 Sun, 27 Apr 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 4/27/2008 Alias101 wrote:Hi,My sister and I are both in our mid-twenties and we have always been very close.  A few months ago, she left the country for grad school, but even with her being halfway around the world we were talking at least several times a week.  That is, until a couple of weeks ago, when she filled me in on recent doctor appointments that led to her being suddenly diagnosed with cervical cancer. I don't even know the details of it, and I am so scared, I can't concentrate on anything else. At first, she called me crying, and we talked for a long time, and we talked the following day, but then she seemed to shut down, and now she won't talk to me at all and I feel so helpless because she is literally in another hemisphere. I totally understand that I must respect her need for privacy and her need to cope in her own personal way, but I also want to make it clear to her that I am always going to be here for her when she's ready for my support and I don't know how to do that without making her feel smothered.  When she first called, I did ask her if she wanted me to talk to the rest of the family for her and she said yes, so I did. Plus, she told me her roommate out there is being very supportive of her, so that does make me feel better.  But my question to everyone out there is, could you please help me to understand how I can be the most supportive for her?  I have emailed her cards and sent her IMs that just say that everyone in our family loves her and is here for her, whenever she needs us and she did respond with "thanks".  So should I just stay back and wait for her to contact me, or do I continue to send her little hellos daily? I don't want to nag her, but I don't want to neglect her.  Thank you all for any advice or input you may have. when I found out I had stage 4 terminal colon cancer,I too went into a shell.Everyone one is different but, I needed time to get over the shock and work things out in my own brain before I could deal with everyone elses shock of it!! I think your notes to her everyday are GREAT and she will let you know when she is ready to talk.With your notes to her,your letting her know you care,love,support and will be there when needed.Be patient.May God be with you and your sister. Heidirose Sun, 27 Apr 2008 00:00:00 GMT Thank you so much for your reply--that really helps! I wanted to be sure I wasn't smothering her or disrespecting her need to be alone by sending the notes, so your advice really makes me feel better.  I will be sure to just keep letting her know I'm here and I will be as patient as I can in waiting for her to feel ready to talk. Thank you again! Alias101 Sun, 27 Apr 2008 00:00:00 GMT It is sometimes hard for people with cancer to be constantly reminded of their disease . . .we do want to talk about other things, too.  You are doing the right thing by giving your sister some space, but continuing to write so she know that you are there if she needs you to help.  Cancer patients need some lightness and joking as well as concern; it is just too hard to think about the cancer all the time.  It must very hard to be far away for both you and her at this time.  Trishpm Fri, 02 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 4/27/2008 Alias101 wrote:Hi,My sister and I are both in our mid-twenties and we have always been very close.  A few months ago, she left the country for grad school, but even with her being halfway around the world we were talking at least several times a week.  That is, until a couple of weeks ago, when she filled me in on recent doctor appointments that led to her being suddenly diagnosed with cervical cancer. I don't even know the details of it, and I am so scared, I can't concentrate on anything else. At first, she called me crying, and we talked for a long time, and we talked the following day, but then she seemed to shut down, and now she won't talk to me at all and I feel so helpless because she is literally in another hemisphere. I totally understand that I must respect her need for privacy and her need to cope in her own personal way, but I also want to make it clear to her that I am always going to be here for her when she's ready for my support and I don't know how to do that without making her feel smothered.  When she first called, I did ask her if she wanted me to talk to the rest of the family for her and she said yes, so I did. Plus, she told me her roommate out there is being very supportive of her, so that does make me feel better.  But my question to everyone out there is, could you please help me to understand how I can be the most supportive for her?  I have emailed her cards and sent her IMs that just say that everyone in our family loves her and is here for her, whenever she needs us and she did respond with "thanks".  So should I just stay back and wait for her to contact me, or do I continue to send her little hellos daily? I don't want to nag her, but I don't want to neglect her.  Thank you all for any advice or input you may have. AMEN to what Trishpm wrote. 4/7/2008 was my second lottery win for RCC in a year. Everyone walked around and talked to me like I was dying or something. Hell, it's just cancer. ATTITUDE is 100% of most things. Don't coddle her, talk to her like you have all of your life. Be her sister and friend.....not just another guest at the pity party.I don't consider myself a 2 time loser, I'm a 2 time WINNER. As a result from the inconvience of having cancer I have met SO many wonderful and caring people that I would have never met otherwise.Mark,     2 time and counting.......WINNER!!!!!!!!! markg1800 Fri, 02 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT