CancerCompass message board discussion started by dozydaisy on 5/10/2008 http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,23917,0.htm Sun, 06 Jul 2008 00:00:00 GMT Sun, 06 Jul 2008 00:00:00 GMT http://backend.userland.com/rss RSS.NET: http://www.rssdotnet.com/ 30th August last year at 1.10 am, my dad died from cancer.  That's the first time I've written that, and it still doesn't ring true.  I nursed him, with my mother, from diagnosis through to the end, four months later.  I left my job to be able to do that, and moved back to the village where I grew up.  Nearly 9 months later, I'm still here.  I've been going to counselling since before he died, and have been on anti-depressants since I fell apart at Christmas.  I just don't seem to be able to wake up from this dreamlike state I've been in.  I used to talk to my Dad every day on the phone.  We talked about every major decision and most of the minor ones in my life and his.  We wound each other up about politics, giggled about all sorts of trivial things and supported each other with various worries about family, career etc.  We understood each other implicitly - just two words was enough for either of us to understand the irritation/confusion/happiness/pride the other was feeling.  We loved, respected and were deeply proud of each other.  When I found out that my husband is a compulsive gambler, he held me as I sobbed and screamed out my shock and pain. He was my compass, and I am so lost without him.  I know he would want me to go on and be strong and have a full life, but those are just empty words.  I AM trying, I'm walking and swimming and trying to keep active, but I'm living like a hermit and just can't cope with trying to rebuild my life.  I feel so stupid for being such a wimp.  My mother seemed to bounce back within weeks and my two brothers seem to have been virtually untouched by grief.  I know everyone deals with things differently, but their way of coping just makes me feel even more alone.  Not that I go around moping - most people think that I'm doing fine, as I generally manage to behave as if life has completely returned to normal.  But I miss him so much.  I keep having dreams that he has come back, but still as a very sick man.  I wake up crying sometimes and feeling as if my chest is about to split open with the pain.  If my dad was here, he'd hold me and everything would be ok again.  But he's not, and I just can't get my head around it. dozydaisy Sat, 10 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT I'm so sorry for your loss.  My Dad as well has liver cancer currently.  I havent thought yet about what life would be like without him, because I'm just so worried about his pain/suffering right now.I know nothing I can say will help, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.  You Dad sounds like he was such a wonderful man.  I'm sure he knew just how much you loved him and cared about him.  You honestly sound like you did everything in your power to be with him and care for him.You are NOT a wimp at all.  You are a person who loved your father very much and are having a hard time going on without him.  Theres nothing wrong with that, and I think you just need to still live one day at a time right now.All the best to you in what you are going through. lland Sat, 10 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT I am so sorry for the loss of your wonderful father.  You are so lucky to have had that relationship with him - it sounds like it was ideal.  I know about not being able to put your head around the fact that he is gone; I am going through the same thing since I lost my husband February 22, 2008 at 12:30 a.m.  I miss him so.  We had such a great relationship.  We traveled all over the United States - he was a history buff so any Civil War site was his favorite.  We even worked together (we owned first a bread route and then a Pepperidge Farm cookie route).  We laughed at so much yet he was a Viet Nam Vet and there was alot of pain behind his smile.  He was diagnosed with stage IV stomach cancer in January 2005 and fought like the brave warrior he was for three years.  There is such a void in our lives 'cause he was such a presence.  He filled the room; even after having lost almost 100 pounds from his cancer, you still knew when Mike was in the room.  The only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning and on with life is knowing that we will be reunited again...forever.  You and your dad will be talking sports, laughing, and enjoying each other in God's eternal paradise.  Hang on to that thought.  It's only a short time away in the scheme of things and he will wait for you.  Until then....God bless you,Diane, Mike's wife Anniedips Sun, 11 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT I am so sorry to hear about your Father's passing. I lost my dad four years ago on Christmas morning. I still am numb to this day. It is hard to visit my Mom at the home they shared for 42 years without him being there. I too helped my Mother take care of Dad when he was diagnosed, seven months total. The only thing that eases my pain is knowing he isn't suffering or dealing with the daily pain of cancer any longer. I want to say it gets eaiser but you never really get over a loss as close as this. Some days are better than others but the daily living is the hardest. Holidays will never be the same. Christmas was my parents favorite time of the year. Dad would be in charge of the outside of the house and Mom would decorate the inside. It took my Mom until this past Christmas to even put up a tree. Mom probaly has suffered the most in her mourning process. My Dad was her soul mate and rock.I have encouraged her to join a support group but she refuses to talk to strangers. I do see a therapist and it does reallly help deal better. Your Dad would want you to continue on and he probaly wishes he could hold you and say everything is going to be ok. Sometimes I take the selfish approach and say they had it so easy they get to die and have a peaceful life now and we get to live in hell on earth. You can't think that way I know, you should be happy they are safe and at peace now, but we are humans and a selfish beast at times. Get support where you can and even do some volunteer help for somebody in worse shape than yourself. Think positive and take good care of yourself. Take the time every day to reflect on the happy times and then do something nice for yourself that makes you feel better. I will say a prayer for you to have peace and start to heal from such a tramatic event.God bless, Sheryl Super01Mom Sat, 31 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT