CancerCompass message board discussion started by ecmb709 on 5/27/2008 http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,24425,0.htm Thu, 20 Nov 2008 00:00:00 GMT Thu, 20 Nov 2008 00:00:00 GMT http://backend.userland.com/rss RSS.NET: http://www.rssdotnet.com/ My husband was treated last fall with chemo and radiation for SCC in neck lymph node with unknown primary.  He's been seeing his oncologist every two months for checkups and so far everything is fine.  My question is this:  Are mood changes common after treatment?   He's not a pleasant person to be around.  He has little patience and tolerance for anything.  He seems angry at everyone. His behavior toward others can be quite rude.  He doesn't seem like the same person anymore and, frankly, I don't like the person he has become. Any advice? ecmb709 Tue, 27 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 5/27/2008 ecmb709 wrote:My husband was treated last fall with chemo and radiation for SCC in neck lymph node with unknown primary.  He's been seeing his oncologist every two months for checkups and so far everything is fine.  My question is this:  Are mood changes common after treatment?   He's not a pleasant person to be around.  He has little patience and tolerance for anything.  He seems angry at everyone. His behavior toward others can be quite rude.  He doesn't seem like the same person anymore and, frankly, I don't like the person he has become. Any advice?I never had mood swing's. I had tongue base cancer 3 yr's ago, but not in my lymph node. I had both radiation & chemo. I have a few bad painful side effects. Doe's he have any other side effects/ Please let me know. I can share what side effects I have if you want to know. I was told they get worse. I must remember I am alive & cancer free. I go for my 3 month's check up pn 5/29 at Emory in Atl., GA. I will remember your husband in my prayer's and also you for you both to have peace & you strengh for more understanding, which I know you have. Be bless, Sebi gatorgirl Thu, 29 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 5/27/2008 ecmb709 wrote:My husband was treated last fall with chemo and radiation for SCC in neck lymph node with unknown primary.  He's been seeing his oncologist every two months for checkups and so far everything is fine.  My question is this:  Are mood changes common after treatment?   He's not a pleasant person to be around.  He has little patience and tolerance for anything.  He seems angry at everyone. His behavior toward others can be quite rude.  He doesn't seem like the same person anymore and, frankly, I don't like the person he has become. Any advice?Yes mood changes are common after chemo. My son Mark was so hard to live with at times while on chemo for two years. We would say: "Mr fussy is here." when he would start fussing about everything and be totally unpleasant angry and rude. He had the insight to know when he had done this and would appologize and blame it on not feeling well but the chemo was a factor too. A similar thing happens in some disorders. I am a nurse and used to work with patients with Addison's Disease. As long as the patients would get their daily cortisone, they had one personality and when they did not get their medicine for some reason, they would come back into the hospital in crisis and have a totally different personality. Chemical , hormonal, changes in the body are probably to blame along with just being so sick from those changes. My son has been off chemotherapy for esophageal cancer and liver cancer for about a year and he is a neat person and Mr. nice guy. If he goes back on chemo I suspect we will see Mr Fussy again. Stick with your man and given time you may see your nice husband again.  do check out a blog on my son and go back to old postings. You can view it by googling the next adventure    Miss Betty The Mom Thu, 29 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT I suppose you might understand the mood changes if you had gone through all of this yourself.  "I don't like the person he's become".  What a horrible thing to say about someone who has been through all of this, and only has you to depend on for emotional support and strength.Cancer with Unknown Primary is one of the worst, because they don't know where it started, what to treat it with, etc.I have Adenocarcinoma with Unknown primary and was given less than one year to live. I have made it for four.  How ? Through the strong support of my husband, family and friends... no matter how terrible I was.  I was bald, I was fat from steroids, I was moody, I was in pain, and I was miserable.... and my husband's consistent comment was "You are beautiful and I love you very much".  Put yourself in his shoes if you can. Maybe you will be a little more empathetic and understanding about "what he's become" and why he's arrived there.Your email reminds me to let all of my family members know, one more time, how much I appreciated their support, unconditional love, and understanding of what I was and am going through on a daily basis.Thank God for my family and friends who were worried about me, and thinking about me, and not worrying about themselves during the toughest time of our lives. 500smwhr Thu, 29 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT I just read your message about your husband.  I too had chemo and radiation to my neck lymph nodes - cancer unknow primary.  I discovered it in February 2007 and just last week I had my third PET scan since last May along with numerous other CT scans and tests and nothing was ever found.  I too feel tht my personality has changed.  I feel that I was once very happy and nothing really bothered me but since the chemo I feel very senstive and I too find it easy to get mad and excited too fast.  I try to be aware of it more now but I speak with a psychologist once a week to release any feelings and cry when I need to. Let me know how your husband is doing.    newyorkgirl Thu, 29 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT this was quite rude of you to talk to this woman this way. do you not know how hard it is to be the caretaker of someone who is this ill, i 'm sure she did not mean it the way you took it. if she did, she would not have been looking for advice. may you look at the bigger picture the next time you read something.my husband took rad and chemo for a year, three years ago and has become a different person with mood swings. now the drs want to take him off the meds for his moods. this is very hard on all of us. MAY GOD BLESS AND KEEP YOU ALWAYSDarlene  Dolli Thu, 29 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT I can remember after my chemo & radiation, I was not the nicest person in the world.  Chemo changes everything in your life.  Only time heals wounds.  The wound of chemo takes a long time to heal, but never go away.  You don't have to like him right now, but love him right now.  This is a time of his life where he needs more love then ever before.PLEASE! I had small cell lung cancer.  My wife never forgave me for getting sick.PLEASE understand that he is very scared and needs your love.Steve Mr. Steve Thu, 29 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 5/27/2008 ecmb709 wrote:My husband was treated last fall with chemo and radiation for SCC in neck lymph node with unknown primary.  He's been seeing his oncologist every two months for checkups and so far everything is fine.  My question is this:  Are mood changes common after treatment?   He's not a pleasant person to be around.  He has little patience and tolerance for anything.  He seems angry at everyone. His behavior toward others can be quite rude.  He doesn't seem like the same person anymore and, frankly, I don't like the person he has become. Any advice?I have had chemo and rads for breast cancer - Grade 3 stage 3....  Mood swings are a definite reaction to having cancer.  Some people cope more with others regarding the follow up 'what if' questions that go through your mind.  'What if' it comes back?  'What if' it is still in my blood stream? and so on and so on.  I likened my feelings to those of intense grief ..... anger, sorrow, a total lack of control over a situation .... I must have been awful and three years on still have my moments.  NO-ONE knows what your husband went through in his mind whilst on treatment.  He needs love and tenderness and times to reflect by himself to come to terms with what has happened to him. You may think he is confiding in you, may think you understand, but only other cancer patients REALLY know what diagnosis does to you. The only person I know who didn't have mood swings or worry is a lovely friend of mine who is the first to admit she is a dumbo.... she isn't very intelligent and hence doesn't see all the future possible pitfalls.  We laugh about it and I envy her because the fear, once diagnosed, doesn't go away for most of us. RUGBY Thu, 29 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT I have brain cancer with a poor prognosis.It is an incidious disease and I have become quite grumpy about many things.  My family understands that this is a difficult time for me and are very supportive.  Some friends don't understand, even when I tell them what I need, and make things much worse for me.  Feeling lousy all the time does not make a happy camper.  The chemo and radiation change many things that used to be normal and I am not sure who I am any  more.  It is also difficult to find people to talk to about how I feel, but my cancer center has a social worker that is quite helpful.  best wishes,Richard  baddd Thu, 29 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 5/27/2008 ecmb709 wrote:My husband was treated last fall with chemo and radiation for SCC in neck lymph node with unknown primary.  He's been seeing his oncologist every two months for checkups and so far everything is fine.  My question is this:  Are mood changes common after treatment?   He's not a pleasant person to be around.  He has little patience and tolerance for anything.  He seems angry at everyone. His behavior toward others can be quite rude.  He doesn't seem like the same person anymore and, frankly, I don't like the person he has become. Any advice?Boy can I relate?  I remember spending time with my Dad and taking him to rad. treatments.  He was very stubborn (didn't really want help moving around) and nasty not only to me but to nurses, techs, Drs.  It was embarrasing at times.  I had to keep telling myself that it wasn't me and I kept apologizing to other people for him.  My advice to you is not to take it personally.  It's hard to put yourself in their shoes but maybe a support group for caregivers would help you.  You will see that this is quite common.  It's also a safe place to let off some steam.  Good luck to you and remember he is the same person you married for better or worse.  This is the worse.  You could also use this opportunity to get even closer to him by really discussing it with him in a loving way.  God Bless the both of you. 2ndChance Thu, 29 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT Sadly it is not the chemo or the radiation treatment that is causing the mood swings but the helplessness he feels. I was a total jerk when I was receiving my chemo and radiation treatment, especially towards my wife.  At worst, the treatments made me feel weak.  However, me losing control over my life made me angry because that what happens when you get cancer.  Because I am a man, I know that men need to project an image of being strong and a good provider but this disease destroys that image.  Now we (men) see ourselves as a defective person because it is our own body that is causing the disease not some virus. So, how can you be strong when you are defective. As the providers, we (men) are suppose to provide the financial stability for our family. Now, not only are we taking time off from work we also know that we might not be around to provide that financial stability for our family.. I know people want to help, and we will really be thankful for it later, but now your help is a constant reminder of what we think we have lost. We know that you want to help but all we see through our angry are people feeling sorry for a penniless and a defective man…that makes us angry.  In time, (if there is time), we will realize that there is more to us than our image and we will move on to the next phase which is when we begin to realize how much life means to us. scott     scqttv Thu, 29 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 5/27/2008 ecmb709 wrote:My husband was treated last fall with chemo and radiation for SCC in neck lymph node with unknown primary.  He's been seeing his oncologist every two months for checkups and so far everything is fine.  My question is this:  Are mood changes common after treatment?   He's not a pleasant person to be around.  He has little patience and tolerance for anything.  He seems angry at everyone. His behavior toward others can be quite rude.  He doesn't seem like the same person anymore and, frankly, I don't like the person he has become. Any advice?Medically speaking, I don't know if mood changes are symptomatic of chemo, but just logically I would imagine that just the diagnosis of cancer would change a person.  Add to that the poisonous chemical cocktail of chemo and I would say it would have to affect a person's personality.  I think logically you know that, but as a caregiver who is living this 24/7 it can't be easy.  I assume that you love your husband and have had a good marriage(you didn't say how old he is or how long you've been married, all this factors into how you feel), but let's assume the best scenario for the sake of argument...I work with older, ill people and it isn't easy.  One of the things you need to do for yourself is to remove yourself from the situation each day, at least for a little while and do something nice for yourself.  You need to be in a good place in order to be helpful to him.I will tell you from personal experience I was diagnosed with breast cancer in November of 2007, underwent surgery in Jan. 2008 and went through radiation treatment.  I am very blessed that all went well, but I will tell you that just the diagnosis threw me for a loop and honestly I will never be the same or look at things the same again.  While I was going through this my Mom, age 79 was diagnosed with colon cancer and is going through chemo, she is on her third round of 12.  I am not her caregiver, but I do see changes in her physically and emotionally.  Every different type of chemo comes with it's own set of reactions and she is experiencing loss of appetite, extreme fatigue, some nausea and neuropathy.  None of this is pleasant and so yes she is not the perky, happy lady I've always known.So all I can say to you is hang in there, try your best to be understanding and above all make time for you.  Perhaps finding a support group might help you cope or one on one counselling.  There is help out there, don't try to go it alone, you too need support.Good luck and God Bless you both. Elle13 Thu, 29 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT My mother had small cell lung cancer and had chemo and radiation and I have ovarian cancer and have had surgery and am now on chemo.  I nursed my mother when she was undergoing treatment and developed cancer myself several years later.  If your husband has had the treatments and is fairly far out, perhaps it left some physical damage that causes pain and discomfort and makes him so irritable.  Men tend not to let us know when they don't feel good and you have to figure out why they are moody or angry when in fact they may just feel sick or are in pain.  I can tell you from nursing my mother with radiation and chemo and now going through chemo myself, plus the effects of the cancer, this is the most horrible thing I have ever been through and watched my mother suffer.  I have had miscarriages and 3 difficult pregnancies and deliveries and they pale compared to cancer and cancer treatment.  Your husband also may be depressed and need to be on an antidepressant.  Facing your mortality is a very frightening thing and I know it has made me very anxious and depressed.  I try not to take it out on my family but sometimes you can't help yourself, especially when you feel sick and weak on top of it all.  Your life revolves around doctors, hospitals and procedures and treatments which is depressing.  You feel so sick and weak at times and can't function as you once did which is also depressing.  I think it might be worthwhile to have your husband see a counselor.  He may need some medication.  And he may be suffering chronic pain.  I hope my experience has helped.  I have not experienced his form of cancer or treatment but talk to other patients with many forms of cancer and this is no picnic, regardless of the type of cancer you have.  momofthreeas Thu, 29 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT Remember the mood swings both ways.  Before my husband's cancer, he was the rock.  It was his position in the family to say, "We can't afford it today, but maybe someday."  His glass was always half full, and he was always saving that half for the "what ifs".  26 years of marriage, I grew to count on that.  When I would say, "I want to buy..."  he would say, "Man, I wish we could afford that, maybe after "x" is paid off.."  And that was fine with me.  But now, he lives for the moment.  Stuffing our weekends with adventures and attempting to fullfill every dream we ever had.  I'm the won who has to pull in the reins.  I'm the one who has to say, "maybe later we can".  That is also a very difficult thing to do.  Especially since it's such a drastic role reversal.  At 47, he is seriously like a little boy. Wanting to buy campers, and motorcycles, and taking trips.    I can certainly understand why, so I just have to pick up the slack.  I'll be the rock, I've certainly learned from the best.  Perhaps in time, things will come around again.  But for now, I'll be the bank account warden.  And, by the way, when he says, "I found the perfect Harley, we'll both love it" and I say  "what, did you find a money tree out in the back yard?"  He laughs, and says, "maybe after "x" is paid off".  (Right now is hospital bills, we can ALL relate to that!)  So he recognizes what is happening. I have faith that we have a "later".  At the moment he is NED.  Cancer changes everything in EVERYONE'S lives.  We adapt.  We don't take it personal.  Runabout Thu, 29 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 5/29/2008 scqttv wrote:Sadly it is not the chemo or the radiation treatment that is causing the mood swings but the helplessness he feels. I was a total jerk when I was receiving my chemo and radiation treatment, especially towards my wife.  At worst, the treatments made me feel weak.  However, me losing control over my life made me angry because that what happens when you get cancer.  Because I am a man, I know that men need to project an image of being strong and a good provider but this disease destroys that image.  Now we (men) see ourselves as a defective person because it is our own body that is causing the disease not some virus. So, how can you be strong when you are defective. As the providers, we (men) are suppose to provide the financial stability for our family. Now, not only are we taking time off from work we also know that we might not be around to provide that financial stability for our family.. I know people want to help, and we will really be thankful for it later, but now your help is a constant reminder of what we think we have lost. We know that you want to help but all we see through our angry are people feeling sorry for a penniless and a defective man…that makes us angry.  In time, (if there is time), we will realize that there is more to us than our image and we will move on to the next phase which is when we begin to realize how much life means to us. scott    Scott, I believe you've hit the nail on the head.  No doubt chemo has some physiological effects that alter one's mood, but the whole process of knowing you have cancer, committing to the chemo, the lack of control you have over the process AND the results, and dealing with the long-term unknown all have a very powerful and generally negative psychological impact.  I learned I had Stage IIIB colon cancer on 12/17/07; my wife learned that she had a malignancy in a tumor removed from her parotid gland on 12/19/07.  She's completed 6 weeks (30 treatments) of radiation and recently got her first post-radiation scans---all clear!!  I've completed 8 of 12 FOLFOX6 treatments.  I can tell you that our moods have been up and down since Dec 07.  Fortunately we understand the other's situtation and have been able to lean on each other throughout the process.  Also fortunately, our church, our friends, and our faith have given us support when we needed it.Personally, I've struggled with the lack of control over schedule; I go where my doctors tell me to go when they tell me to be there.  I like to be active but for 4-7 days after a treatment, my preferred activity is shifting position on the couch!  I have a lot of projects that aren't getting done and that's bothering me more and more.  My patience (with myself and others) is essentially non-existant since I'm falling so short of my own self-expectations.  No doubt, I am moody.  For instance, I have a lot less traffic through my office on the 3-5 days after chemo than I do the 3-5 days before the next treatment.My wife and I are very fortunate; the people around us understand that we've been battling a disease that is trying to consume us from the inside.  The tools used to battle the disease are aggressive and have side-effects of their own that sometime call to question which is worse the disease or the cure.  The physical issues, each of us has to deal with individually as best we can.  The psychological issues are every bit as big a problem and from my perspective, the support of friends and caregivers is probably the most effective 'medicine' for these.  edupnorth Thu, 29 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT ecmb709  - I TOTALLY understand where you're coming from and you should ignore anyone who tries to put you down or make you feel bad for feeling this way. The person with cancer is not the only one suffering or the only one with feelings. Like no one can understand a diagnosis, no one can understand what it's like to have the father of your children, your best friend, the person you depend on more than anyone else, the person you Choose to be in a family with. Struggle with care for face something like cancer. Being a caregiver is SO FRICKEN hard sometimes, during cancer treatment and after - My experience is similar to yours - My hubbie a perfectly healthy - and I mean no colds, flus, sickness ever, exercise everyday - strong like a bull - physically and mentally - was dx w/ cancer of hypopharnix (above esophagus) with spread to neck nodes - totally out of the blue. We never ever considered it was cancer as the tumor grew bigger and bigger in his neck. Cancer changed everything. I cared for my hubbie the way a mother bear protects a baby cub. I worked full time to care our health insurance, cared for our 2 yr old, was up multiple times a night with him and did not miss any doctor appointments - I pushed back with the doctors to be sure my hubbie was getting enough attention, the best treatment - both in terms of chemo and rad and surgery but also as well in terms of personal attention. We were alone in CA - the rest of our family on the other side of the country - so called friends were scarce. No one understands being alone in the darkest moments like a caregiver does. Everything is on your shoulders. Thank G-d - my hubbie is in remission - we are one year out. After treatment and for about six month he was UNBAREABLE - horrible - short tempered, mean, nasty - dark. Here we had just gone through this indescribable time of diagnosis, treatment, worry, tears, bargaining with G-d for his life, and now he was cured and I couldn't understand why couldn't get on with the life we fought so hard to save.  It took many tries to get him into a support group for anxiety and stress– he went once and said no one could understand what it was like to be dx w/ cancer, tried cancer support groups – said he didn’t want to be reminded of cancer and see people dying off – a therapist – another person preaching who didn’t get what he’d been through – three rounds of anti depressants – finally one worked, which he still takes. I think the rubber met the road when I told him to get with the living – I can’t ever understand on any level how he’s felt and the fear he knows or the pain – he can’t understand what this experience has brought me but together we have to move forward – I don’t dwell on his past sickness – honestly, now, I don’t see him as having been a deathly ill as he was – he seems like the regular guy I meet 11yrs ago. And I think he sees himself less and less like someone who had cancer. He had to fake it until he made it so to speak. On the last day of his radiation treatment the machine broke, of course, so we were in the waiting room, waiting for an hour or longer. This woman with an unbelievable glow was sitting across from us. I assumed she was a caregiver – we started talking and her story unfolded – she’d been dx w/ throat cancer w/ mets to lungs 30 yrs prior – she was back for a second round w/ cancer in her 60’s. I asked her for advice – my husband right by me – on how she lived after cancer the first time and survived 30 yrs– she said to my husband when you leave this office today – on your last treatment – walk away from this horrible disease and never look back. Life is good now, there’s still some fear and sad times, but mostly he’s grateful for a second chance and to live a good like. If you met him, you’d never know what he’d been through. He’s moving on.      Julie21 Thu, 29 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 5/27/2008 ecmb709 wrote:My husband was treated last fall with chemo and radiation for SCC in neck lymph node with unknown primary.  He's been seeing his oncologist every two months for checkups and so far everything is fine.  My question is this:  Are mood changes common after treatment?   He's not a pleasant person to be around.  He has little patience and tolerance for anything.  He seems angry at everyone. His behavior toward others can be quite rude.  He doesn't seem like the same person anymore and, frankly, I don't like the person he has become. Any advice?I have prostate cancer and have been through surgery, radiation, hormone suppression treatment and had it controlled for a while and it then started advancing. I am now in a clinical trial as it has metastasized and I now have the honor of being stage IV. Yes the mood changes are real and are not caused solely by fear and pain though that is certainly part of it. Look at the side effect of the drugs he is taking. Every single drug I have been prescribed lists aniety, depression, mood changes, anger as possible side effects.One even lists "Loss of touch with reality" as a possible side effect. As much as I am aware of this and try to controll it I am not 100% successful and can get real angry in a hurry. And it is not the big things but mostly the little things that are the triggers. My wife and I had a discussion and it seems best when I get this way for here to just leave me alone for a while and not try to calm me. and soon I cool off. I have also discussed this with my two sons and It does work. I get my funk off and things return to normal. Arguing does not help but only makes it worse. If left alone I cool and then I am getting good at apologising. They do not hold my losses of control as later clubs but have tried to give understandint but not approval of them after thy pass. You don't like the person he has become, when I am having one I don't like who I become. I even have one medication that I need to take occasionally called my Jeckel to Mr Hyde pill.  Get to a PDR and look at all the possible side effects for you husband's medication now and what he has taken. Some are permanent!. Discuss these with his Dr after you have found out what they are, and bring the drug document. Some Drs. have not a clue about side effect and have to have the stuff shown to them. Surgeons are the worst. There is a documented condition called Chemo brain! Hope this helps, Find a support group fo him and you. maybe even contact the survivorship section of the American Cancer Society, Lance Armstrong Foundation Etc. Gunner Thu, 29 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT I too understand.  I have gone through 4 rounds of chemo (in 4 years) and am still fighting.  The chemo and the meds affect me greatly.  My kids (I'm a widowed father who's wife died of colon cancer in '04) just know that it is part of the treatment.  Not the best way to be, but it is our life.When your husband is having a good day, sit and talk to him about it.  Try not be accusing or add to the stress he is feeling already. See if there is a trigger, like lack of sleep, meds., pain, whatever it may be.  Ask him how you can help relieve his anger/stress (even if you don't feel like doing it becasue he made you mad).  He knows he is different.  If he is like I am, I HATE not having control over my schedule, my finances, my emotions, my health.... the list goes on.   Every dream your husband has had is now darkened by cancer and chemo and pain.   Every day, he knows it may re-occur or worsen.   On another good day, make short term and long term plans to recindle your relationship.  A date night, a romantic dinner, fishing at the lake, whatever it is that your both like and get you out of the 'cancer mode' and into the 'couple mode'.  I feel bad for what you are both going through.  Your pain is just as difficult as his is.  As I live it, I first thought no one could be facing what I faced, but I have come to a realization that others are facing things just as difficult.  If your husband can figure that out, and get out of the pitty party (at least sometimes) then things can be a little more bearable for you both.  Stay with him, love him when he is unloveable.God Bless you and your husband.Dean Travisdean Thu, 29 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT Great suggestion Travisdean  - It took us a while to move from patient / caregiver back to married couple. We've been on many, many, many dates now in the past 6 -8 months and are getting to know each other all over! It's important to remember the relationship and the person as a whole. It took me a bit to see my hubbie as my hubbie again and not the patient I was coddling. Julie21 Thu, 29 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT Yes, your husband went through hell, but that doesn't excuse bad behavior. He apparently is having a hard time dealing with the changes in his life and is taking it out on everyone. There is no situation that someone can go through, no matter how difficult and scary,  that would make that reaction acceptable. His cancer is not the fault of anybody around him so they shouldn't have to suffer for his misfortune. He probably needs some counseling so he can gain control of his emotions. It doesn't sound like he's the type to seek help though as long as he can keep blaming everybody else. You may have to use some tough love and remind him that you didn't cause his illness and his actions are hurting you. Your reaction to this is normal. You can't overlook everything just because he had cancer. It's a disease, not a license to become nasty.Good Luck!Joe  Defjoeb Thu, 29 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT I had Thyroid Cancer and radiation treatment.  I am 5 yrs remission now, and I would say that mood swings definitely happen.  It's a little different for me, because your moods are regulated by the thyroid hormone (and i have no thyroid now, and am on replacement therapy) but I would say I had some definite moodiness from the radiation alone. Your body is under alot of stress, and I think it's pretty common to feel like absolute crap.  I think its safe to say that when anyone feels bad/sick/bloated/weak they are more irritable.  But also-- this trauma could cause PTSD symptoms.  I had symptoms of post-traumatic stress, which includes being withdrawn or angry, etc.  It went away though, but took a good 2-3 yrs before I felt normal and could open up and be less selfish.  Fighting cancer is a selfish time for the person going through it.  It may take a good 2 yrs before he can look back and say "wow...you are an amazing person for all you did for me during that time."  Right now he is focused on fighting and surviving.hang in there, and just know that he probably doesn't mean to be hurtful. Maybe there is some chemical imbalance going on-- have you checked his thyroid levels??  -just a thought. :)  Courtney5 Thu, 29 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT Oh, my Lord!!! Can I ever relate to this!!! My little brother is 54 (NSCLC with brain mets), and is driving me completely crazy. I'm filling out his forms for Social Security disability, and he went off on me when I asked the dates of his marriage and divorce. "How am I supposed to remember that? It was like 30 years ago!" When was the last day you worked? "I don't know!!"And he refuses family counseling for himself, his daughter and granddaughter. He swears they're fine and there's nothing wrong with any of them. And yes, I did point out that cancer is wrong with them, and even normal people need help dealing with it!There is a lot of support out there for caregivers. Get some. sergeantmajorette Thu, 29 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT I was diagnosed in Feb. 06 with recurrent breast cancer, Stage 4 metastatic breast cancer to the bones, and now recently to the liver.  I experienced MAJOR mood swings after finishing treatment in April 1999 after my first go round.  To the point of being diagnosed as bipolar 3 years later.  I have since taken antidepressants and a mood stabilizer.  I question, daily as a matter of fact, am I REALLY biologically bipolar, or was it everything I'd been thru.The physical, mental and emotional changes are horrendous.  I was diagnosed at age 38.  First you have to deal with the shock.  Then there are masectomies and what the disfigurement does to you emotionally. The fear.  Then the chemo along with the steroids.  I was thrown into menopause.  Losing your hair.  6 weeks of daily driving to get a radiation treatment.  You get thru that, and you're hair's starting to grow back.  Then the drs. want to give another round of chemo, just to be sure they "get it all", and there goes your hair again.  And that's not even considering the nausea, anemia, exhaustion, constipation, you name it.  After that, I had 2 failed reconstruction surgeries.  I got a staph infection at the reconstruction site that almost killed me, so the implants were removed.  A month later some weird form of thrush.  A month later, Bell's Palsey (I woke up one morning with half my face paralyzed). Treatment for that?  More steroids.  All that during the throws of menopause.  Then of course they give you Tamoxifen - further manipulating whatever hormones the menopause hasn't.  All that in 24 months.  Between the emotional aspect - trauma of it all, and the physiological and biological changes induced by drugs and treatment, how could one NOT have mood swings? I wound divorced after 20 years because of all the above.  The short answer is yes, I'd say mood swings are quite normal.  A cancer patient is feeling "everything" - sad, afraid, angry, frustrated, grateful to wake up another day, loved, unloved, understood, not understood, you name it.  We're all over the place.  I'm sure it is hard for you taking care of your husband.  I know that except for the physical aspect of the disease and/or treatment, you are experiencing many if not all the same emotions, while also having to take on a lot of extra responsibility.  It's hard no matter how you look at it. Tammy58 Thu, 29 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT I am also a caregiver to my husband and I wanted to pass on a suggestion I saw on another cancer board.  There is a program called 4th Angel Mentoring Program that sounds interesting for anyone needing help or advice.  The program is available for both cancer patients and caregivers.  I have not yet used it myself but may still try it the next time I have a really bad day. - yes, there are bad days.  He is almost a four year survivor but it has been a battle all the way and he continues to have major health issues in addition to, and probably because of, the cancer and the treatments.I have pasted the link below.  In case it doesn't work you can just go to the KCA website at kidneycancer.org and click on the 4th Angel Caregiver link in the box on the right.  http://www.kidneycancer.org/index.cfm?pageID=307 If anyone has tried this program I would love to hear about it.Hang in there.  After a while you will learn to live with the bad days and learn not to take it personally.  chrislol Thu, 29 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 5/27/2008 ecmb709 wrote:My husband was treated last fall with chemo and radiation for SCC in neck lymph node with unknown primary.  He's been seeing his oncologist every two months for checkups and so far everything is fine.  My question is this:  Are mood changes common after treatment?   He's not a pleasant person to be around.  He has little patience and tolerance for anything.  He seems angry at everyone. His behavior toward others can be quite rude.  He doesn't seem like the same person anymore and, frankly, I don't like the person he has become. Any advice?I have Stage 4 colon cancer with metastases to the liver. I have been under chemo treatment for 10 months. Dealing with the reality of my life expectancy (a year ago, at the age of 52, I was told I had 2 to 3 years to live with chemo treatment) has been overwhelming at times. I have been, in turn, hopeful and depressed, patient and short-tempered, serene and disturbed, energetic and exhausted, accepting and enraged by the hand I've been dealt by fate. The side effects have sometimes reduced me to tears. There has been periods when I could not eat because my tongue was swollen and covered with ulcers that felt like rasor blades and which made swallowing and talking painful. I have suffered terrible bouts of constipation, nausea, and vomitting. I have experienced headaches and once fainted from medication I was given to cure my headache. Opening containers can be difficukt now because my fingers are very sensitive and my nails are so soft thet they tear very easily. My nails have also become slightly deformed.   I was very active before and it can be frustrating now to have to curtail my activities. I used to walk an hour everyday at a fast pace and do most of my grocery shopping on foot and carry it back home in a packsack. Now, when I do my grocery shopping on foot, I have to limit myself to an hour at a time as the soles of my feet start to hurt. I have to stay off my feet for the rest of the day because walking becomes painful.Sometimes I get angry about things that shouldn't matter. If I do become short-tempered, I apologize to my husband. He's a tremendous help to me and his constant support is extremely important to me. He's been my rock. He comes with me to all my chemo appointments. He cheers me up when I need cheering up. He holds me when I cry. He makes me laugh. He tells me I look fine even though I've lost most of my hair and have put on weight because of the chemo.It's hard to come to terms with the fact that I no long-term future. All my dreams have to be restricted to the present and the near future. While I might outlive my prognosis by a few years, I know I probably won't be around in 10 years, possibly in 5. It's the toughest thing I've had to deal with in all my life.Your husband needs you. He may be wondering why you're still there with him, He may be afraid you'll leave when the going gets too tough. Reassure him. Over and over again. He needs to know that his cancer makes no difference in the way you feel about him.             Sagitelle Thu, 29 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT I recently had a Bone Marrow Transplant, following 5 yrs disease free remission following intensive therapies for acute bcell leukemia. T these therapies include intense chemo to the brain (via Ommaya catheter) and radiation.The extensive intrathecal (brain) chemo and hi-dose brain and spine radiation may develop side effects, one of which is called "Encephalopathy"-Has many of the side effects you described, and is by no means your husband's or doctors fault. If his condition doesn't improve or stays status quo- go to a neuropharmacologists or neurooncologist for diagnosis. ALL good Thu, 29 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT I am a stage IV colon cancer patient. I have gone from being fully independent working full-time, wife, mother of two high schoolers to two years later > on social security disability, three surgeries, 4 different chemotherapies, my two children away at college = and to top it off recent prostate cancer diagnosis for my husband.So now my husband gets to be the patient and I get to be the caregiver. Unfortunately now we both understand both sides of the issue.I recognized that I have mood swings, anger, fear, and many other emotions. I asked my dr. for help and he did give me a prescription. There may be drugs available to help your husband cope.And you may need help too. There are great forums (like this one). See if there is a wellness community in your area. Are there other family members, neighbors, church, friends that can help? It can be too much and you may need a break.One thing I have learned is that many people want to help but don't want to intrude. Don't be afraid to ask for help - they are waiting for you to ask. Karenb Thu, 29 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT Be patient! I am sure he does not like the person he may of become but during this time only the person going thru this truly understands.  I my self just finished chemo and about to start radiation.  We go thru so much emotion during this time and no matter how many people we have to support us it is still the hardest battle we go thru.  We have our ups and downs if he is anything like myself or others I have talked to there is more downs than anything.  Because of this we pretend things are good when deep down inside we feel like screaming.  With your husband going thru this all you can do is try to understand where he is coming from..  It is a hard and lonely road were on.   And we have support and family but stilllwe feel like were all alone! naominhl Thu, 29 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT I don't think it was rude, it is just the truth.  I am a caregiver and my husband had a whipple procedure and is now going through chemo and radiation.  He can be a real bear sometimes, but he is here with me still and he relies on me for emotional support.  No one understands like I do what he is going through, not his mom, not his friends, just me, his wife of 18 years.  When he gets too crabby I step away for a minute. He usually sees that he has been crabby and even has apologized at times. I may not like him at times but I will love him as much as he needs me to in order to get him through this.   That is the point she was trying to get across, be supportive and put yourself in the patient's shoes. I would be crabby too I know I would.  Maybe she should think about how she would be if she were the patient...... Angela AngelaS Thu, 29 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 5/27/2008 ecmb709 wrote:My husband was treated last fall with chemo and radiation for SCC in neck lymph node with unknown primary.  He's been seeing his oncologist every two months for checkups and so far everything is fine.  My question is this:  Are mood changes common after treatment?   He's not a pleasant person to be around.  He has little patience and tolerance for anything.  He seems angry at everyone. His behavior toward others can be quite rude.  He doesn't seem like the same person anymore and, frankly, I don't like the person he has become. Any advice? Hi!!! let me start by saying that being a caretaker of a cancer patient is a very difficult job.  My husband also had SCC of the base of his tongue with nodule involvement.  He underwent chemo and radio. It was very difficult to see him turning into such a stranger.  He has always been an extremely happy,loving person, always positive, joking and smiling.  A week into his treatment all that changed drastically.  He became withdrawn, quiet, lacking motivation and interest,moody, at times depressed, demanding, and sometimes even showing temper tantrums if things didn't go his way. As a health professional I was extremely puzzled by the severity of his symptoms thus I started to research the phenomena. There is a new syndrome that scientist and physicians are just starting to study; it is called chemobrain and it may affect up to a 20% of patients treated with chemotherapy even up to a year after treatment. Researchers have found that during treatment specially when agents such as cisplatin (high metal agents) are used, the size of the brain is reduced.  Scientist are not sure yet that the chemobrain phenomena is the cause of the severe mood swings experienced by some cancer patients, however they have found that those showing such strong behavioral changes indeed have experienced the chemobrain changes. However, don't be concern because the condition is reversible, it might take some time and require a lot of patience and love from you, but stick by your man, things will get better.My husband recently hit the one year anniversary mark. So far he is doing great and slowly coming back to be the same wonderful person that he was.  However, don't forget that cancer is a deep scar with life long implications, the experiences of all the treatments and the uncertainty that goes along with the diagnosis surfaces more often than none.  Just be patient and supportive.  Let your husband know that you are there for him for better or for worst. Little reminders are the best, a good unexpected hug with absolutely no words at moody times or a simple quiet time together work wonders.  Best of luck to you and your husband. God bless both of you rollman Thu, 29 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 5/27/2008 ecmb709 wrote:My husband was treated last fall with chemo and radiation for SCC in neck lymph node with unknown primary.  He's been seeing his oncologist every two months for checkups and so far everything is fine.  My question is this:  Are mood changes common after treatment?   He's not a pleasant person to be around.  He has little patience and tolerance for anything.  He seems angry at everyone. His behavior toward others can be quite rude.  He doesn't seem like the same person anymore and, frankly, I don't like the person he has become. Any advice?Yes it is hard to be a caregiver,but I wound want my husband to stand by me if it was the other way around.My husband hardly ever use to hurt my feelings, we have been married 15 years.Now I stay in tears,At first it was hard cause I didn't know what the heck was going on,but either did him.I often say to myself,if it was me, I think I wound be hard to live with.My husband has kidney cancer since 06.He has his good days and bad days.Some days I snap back,then I feel so bad, but we are only human.So hang in there!! I pray alot for God to give me strength.When we first found out about the EVIL cancer, I was the one that was mad at the world, everybody notice that I was not the same person, the sweet little old me was not there.Now I have to make myself strong for my husband,I cry on my way to work or coming home . In sicken or in health,I am not going any where.On the days he hurts my feelings,I can suck it up,or snap back,or when he has I good day ,we will talk about.But remember these is not  easy on the person that is ill.Put yourself in his shoes,then you can start to understand things from their point.If any thing ever happens to my husband I don't want to have regrats, at least not being there for my husband when he needed me the most.So tell him you love him and you are not going nowhere,so for him to try to be a little nicer.Good Luck!! rally53 Thu, 29 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 5/27/2008 ecmb709 wrote:My husband was treated last fall with chemo and radiation for SCC in neck lymph node with unknown primary.  He's been seeing his oncologist every two months for checkups and so far everything is fine.  My question is this:  Are mood changes common after treatment?   He's not a pleasant person to be around.  He has little patience and tolerance for anything.  He seems angry at everyone. His behavior toward others can be quite rude.  He doesn't seem like the same person anymore and, frankly, I don't like the person he has become. Any advice?Yes, it is possible to become moody during treatments, and a few days after as well.  As the months progress, the patient becomes moody most of the time.  I was on chemo for 8 months for colorectal cancer.  In the beguining I was fine but as it I continued my tratments I became more and more moody.  I was short with my fiance and my kids.  I was easily anoyed.  I would loose my temper very quickly and just had no patience most of the time.  Please try to over look it as much as possible. I am sure it is not easy, but try to keep in mind that just as the chemicals are affecting the body physically they are affecting it emotionally as well.  I am sure it is very hard and frustrating to you, but please try to be patient, by the same token your husband thao is in treatment should try really hard not to get upset so easily, but again, in his defense, it is not easy.  Good luck to you and your husband.Sincerely, Francisca G S fannymichael2004 Thu, 29 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT My brother died on May 11, 2008 -- Mother's Day -- of kidney cancer.  I would give anything to hear him complain or be difficult again!  He wasn't just my little brother at 58, he was my best friend throughout life.  He had his good days after chemo and radiation but many were not so good.  From diagnosis and operation to remove the kidney and some lymph nodes to his passing was only 8 months.  He seemed to really get in a great mood a week before his passing, and we all thought we'd have him around for at least a few years.  But cancer is insidious and ravages the body whenever it wants to do so.  Please be patient with your husband as life is not promised to anyone for any length of time except for the present.  I know how hard it is to be the caretaker as I was the caretaker for my mother 15 years ago when I was raising my young daughters after a divorce.  After she passed, I then contracted breast cancer in 2000 and had no one but my young girls to help as I worked through the whole ordeal.  I couldn't take it out on my young daughters, but boy did I try it on some co-workers and even strangers!  Finally I sought and received counseling.  Life is not fair, so it seems, but talking it over with those around you and also with counselilng does seem to work.  I'm fine now after one recurrence of the breast cancer in 2004 and ovarian cancer in 2007.  But anything can occur or re-occur and that sometimes was still putting me in a bad mood until my brother passed.  I now know to appreciate every moment of every day with all my loved ones and yes, even my co-workers!  Gashenka Fri, 30 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 5/29/2008 500smwhr wrote:I suppose you might understand the mood changes if you had gone through all of this yourself.  "I don't like the person he's become".  What a horrible thing to say about someone who has been through all of this, and only has you to depend on for emotional support and strength.Cancer with Unknown Primary is one of the worst, because they don't know where it started, what to treat it with, etc.I have Adenocarcinoma with Unknown primary and was given less than one year to live. I have made it for four.  How ? Through the strong support of my husband, family and friends... no matter how terrible I was.  I was bald, I was fat from steroids, I was moody, I was in pain, and I was miserable.... and my husband's consistent comment was "You are beautiful and I love you very much".  Put yourself in his shoes if you can. Maybe you will be a little more empathetic and understanding about "what he's become" and why he's arrived there.Your email reminds me to let all of my family members know, one more time, how much I appreciated their support, unconditional love, and understanding of what I was and am going through on a daily basis.Thank God for my family and friends who were worried about me, and thinking about me, and not worrying about themselves during the toughest time of our lives. This is not intended to make the original poster (with the moody husband)of this message feel awful, but I have to absolutely agree with the above post for putting this very well-said. I don't have cancer, but my mother does, and I would never hold it against her if she had a "bad day." She's been through a lot and I would expect her to feel a little rotten every now and then. Some people can handle it better than others, but that doesn't mean that all hope should be lost for those who struggle with their emotions. And it certainly doesn't mean that they should get less of your support or understanding. This is when they need you the most. For better, for worse...  I wish you all the best in the future, and that time and patience will heal all wounds and reunite you with happiness. Amandalen Fri, 30 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT I am caing for my mother who just started whole brain radiation and chemotherapy at the same time.  Her mood swings or more specifically, bad moods and anger came before she even started these treatements.  She becomes very angry and frankly, mean and abusive.  I am really the only one to care for her and when this happens, its harder than anything to remain caring and loving when you are being treated so poorly.  I think there are many sources for my mom's moods- her remaining brain tumor, the steroids she is on, fear, frustration, and all the usual gammut of emotions in fighting cancer and having your mortality staring you right in the face. Still, even if you understand, it doesn't neccesarily make it pleasant to deal with day in and day out.  I actually kind of reached a breaking point when my mom got so mad she had a cab pick her and all of her belongings up from my house and went back to her own home where there was no food, heat or airconditioning.  She got mad at me for no reason I could determine. I spent three days beating on her front door , calling many times a day etc. to no avail.In desperation, I called my brother and had him travel the 500 miles to come here. In less than 24 hours here, he made a huge difference. Turns out, along with everything else I mentioned before, she felt she was tired of being a burden to me.  Do you have a grown child or friend or someone that might be able to do a quick rescue like my brother did?  I think sometimes the patient, like us, needs someone else to talk openly with. It was a big relief for me too getting to be "off" for even half a day. If you can get some help from someone that your husband likes and will allow, let someone else visit or drive to the doctor a few times a week. It allows you a chance to emotionally refuel and him a chance to talk about things with another person.  Since we made this plan, mom's moods are a bit better, and I am able to tolerate them with a little more patience too since it is no longer only me 24/7. ( Since my brother couldn't stay, we booked a local non-profit to drive her to some appointments.  She didn't complain because it helps her to feel a little more independent.) I hope some little bit of this long message helps.  I know I feel selfish when I admit how hard this is on me, given how it must feel to be the one with cancer, but it doesn't mean the feelngs don't exist.  We're only human....  BEST WISHES AND GOD BLESS!  Judys Daughter Fri, 30 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 5/29/2008 500smwhr wrote:I suppose you might understand the mood changes if you had gone through all of this yourself.  "I don't like the person he's become".  What a horrible thing to say about someone who has been through all of this, and only has you to depend on for emotional support and strength.Cancer with Unknown Primary is one of the worst, because they don't know where it started, what to treat it with, etc.I have Adenocarcinoma with Unknown primary and was given less than one year to live. I have made it for four.  How ? Through the strong support of my husband, family and friends... no matter how terrible I was.  I was bald, I was fat from steroids, I was moody, I was in pain, and I was miserable.... and my husband's consistent comment was "You are beautiful and I love you very much".  Put yourself in his shoes if you can. Maybe you will be a little more empathetic and understanding about "what he's become" and why he's arrived there.Your email reminds me to let all of my family members know, one more time, how much I appreciated their support, unconditional love, and understanding of what I was and am going through on a daily basis.Thank God for my family and friends who were worried about me, and thinking about me, and not worrying about themselves during the toughest time of our lives. Talk about being rude!  We as caregivers know you are in pain/don't feel well/don't have cancer/etc., but it's not easy being on our side either.  I am so glad you have supportive people around you, my husband has supportive people around him as well, but sometimes it's just not easy taking the verbal abuse, put downs and rudeness.  Caregivers are people in distress too -  just in a different way!  What you said in your response was typical - it's all about YOU -  WRONG - it's about both of you together.  Remember, there are always two sides to everything. Sandra60 Sat, 31 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 5/27/2008 ecmb709 wrote:My husband was treated last fall with chemo and radiation for SCC in neck lymph node with unknown primary.  He's been seeing his oncologist every two months for checkups and so far everything is fine.  My question is this:  Are mood changes common after treatment?   He's not a pleasant person to be around.  He has little patience and tolerance for anything.  He seems angry at everyone. His behavior toward others can be quite rude.  He doesn't seem like the same person anymore and, frankly, I don't like the person he has become. Any advice?My empathy is with you.  I  am going through the same thing with my husband.  He was like this over two years ago when he was going through his first bout of chemo/radiation.  It's not you or anyone else he is angry with, it's himself for having to go through this and putting everyone else through it.  His cancer came back and he is going through chemo again and is right back to being cranky.  Hopefully, it will pass again.  I know you understand that he doesn't feel well, etc., but we as caregivers don't have it easy either, sometimes I think worse, although it's not.  I can't imagine having to go through what they do.  Please just try to be understanding and he will get over it.  I count to "ten" a lot.   Sandra60 Sat, 31 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 5/29/2008 2ndChance wrote: On 5/27/2008 ecmb709 wrote:My husband was treated last fall with chemo and radiation for SCC in neck lymph node with unknown primary.  He's been seeing his oncologist every two months for checkups and so far everything is fine.  My question is this:  Are mood changes common after treatment?   He's not a pleasant person to be around.  He has little patience and tolerance for anything.  He seems angry at everyone. His behavior toward others can be quite rude.  He doesn't seem like the same person anymore and, frankly, I don't like the person he has become. Any advice?Boy can I relate?  I remember spending time with my Dad and taking him to rad. treatments.  He was very stubborn (didn't really want help moving around) and nasty not only to me but to nurses, techs, Drs.  It was embarrasing at times.  I had to keep telling myself that it wasn't me and I kept apologizing to other people for him.  My advice to you is not to take it personally.  It's hard to put yourself in their shoes but maybe a support group for caregivers would help you.  You will see that this is quite common.  It's also a safe place to let off some steam.  Good luck to you and remember he is the same person you married for better or worse.  This is the worse.  You could also use this opportunity to get even closer to him by really discussing it with him in a loving way.  God Bless the both of you.  Debbie54 Sat, 31 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT I've had Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma for almost 11 yrs.  It was indolent until 4 yrs. ago.  We found I had Hodgkins Lymphoma too.  Now I had to be treated.  I have suffered from depression all my life.  I was on an anti- depressant that made me feel normal.After the chemo and radiation (from the tip of my nose to midchest) for a month everyday, I was in a black pit of depression.  My mouth and throat were trashed.  4 yrs. later I am still having problems with my mouth.  Chemo and radiation can affect the chemical balance in your brain.  I could not access one good emotion.  When they got the right medications in the right dosages, I could access many good emotions but I still felt rather flat.  Then they changed my anti-depressant (the serotonin uptaker) I now can access all the positive and negative emotions.  I almost died 5 times.  I've gone through chemo and radiation 3 times.  The HL has been in remission.  The NHL came back and morphed into a more aggressive type.  The last two treatments were for it.  This last one there was still cancer.  My immune system is worn out.  I  have anemia, I am weak, I can't spell right, I forget things all the time, I get confused, I can only process one thing at a time and my balance is so bad that I have to use a walker because I was always falling down.  Today at a restaurant I had to ask the waiter to tell me the salad dressings again but very slowly.  I know I am terminal and can't take care of myself and can't drive anymore and many friends have abandoned me.  My two adult daughters have not been of any help or comfort.  In fact they have said I am not part of the family and they don't want to see me anymore.  My husband has told me so many times that he doesn't love me and never has.  The other day he said that if we could afford it he would get a separation.  I have no loving support or comfort through the last 4 years.  It has been Hell.  Now I know I can no longer have any treatments and the only thing I have to look forward to is death.  Friends say I should overcome my depression over how my life has been going.  I have lost everything.  I am not the old me.  I am a sad person and for good reason.  I mostly keep very quiet so as not to make any of them angry.  I am in an impossible situation.  I don't want to be where I am not wanted.  It breaks my heart that my husband of 38 yrs. says he never loved me.  My 2 daughters don't want anything to do with me.  Which means I rarely see my grandchildren.  When I do go to a family event, my daughter acts like I am invisible.  I am humiliated because no one talks to me or comes near me.  If I go, I will be miserable.  If I don't go, I don't care about the grandchildren.  My brain is a mess and it doesn't seem to be getting any better.  While I was undergoing treatments, etc. I tried to be a very cooperative patient.  I tried to give my husband as much time for himself as I could.  He left me alone for 15 days in December and I was too weak to do anymore than feed my cats and eat a yogurt or something like that.  I can't stand or walk very long.  I have back problems and a partially paralyzed leg.  I went to the Relay for Life by myself last year.  I will again this year.  Now I am looking for a ride to and from.  If I can't get one, I won't get to go.  It's the Flower and Garden Show weekend and DH is a member and is very busy.Chemo and radiation can fry your brain.  It isn't your fault.  I had to have doctors and my counselor tell him before he believed it.  Now he just makes fun of me or gets mad at me.  I don't think there is anything funny about it and it hurts my feelings to get yelled at for something I have no control over.Just be glad (caretakers) that you don't have a death sentence.  It might make you feel very depressed. GrammaKitty Sat, 31 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT Hi, You know it's very normal.  In 2006 I was diagnose with Kidney cancer,  Have the right kdney remove,  Since July 2007 I've ben on Sutent a pill that will stabilize but with alot of side effect.  My husband tell me and I know that from day to day I'm a different person.  I think we get fedup.  In my case I am sick but if I didn't have to take the pills I will be fine.  It's not the cancer that botther me it's the pills.  If I whant to hill then I have to do what i've been told to.  You have to be pattiente.  I don't say nothing but  I'm a person that everyone likes.  We have to think and believe it can get us crazy.Monique from Canada Moniques Sat, 31 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT  Without going into detail, I will simply tell you that it is obvious you have no idea what you are talking about.On 5/29/2008 Defjoeb wrote:Yes, your husband went through hell, but that doesn't excuse bad behavior. He apparently is having a hard time dealing with the changes in his life and is taking it out on everyone. There is no situation that someone can go through, no matter how difficult and scary,  that would make that reaction acceptable. His cancer is not the fault of anybody around him so they shouldn't have to suffer for his misfortune. He probably needs some counseling so he can gain control of his emotions. It doesn't sound like he's the type to seek help though as long as he can keep blaming everybody else. You may have to use some tough love and remind him that you didn't cause his illness and his actions are hurting you. Your reaction to this is normal. You can't overlook everything just because he had cancer. It's a disease, not a license to become nasty.Good Luck!Joe   lechefgerard Sat, 31 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 5/31/2008 lechefgerard wrote: Without going into detail, I will simply tell you that it is obvious you have no idea what you are talking about.On 5/29/2008 Defjoeb wrote:Yes, your husband went through hell, but that doesn't excuse bad behavior. He apparently is having a hard time dealing with the changes in his life and is taking it out on everyone. There is no situation that someone can go through, no matter how difficult and scary,  that would make that reaction acceptable. His cancer is not the fault of anybody around him so they shouldn't have to suffer for his misfortune. He probably needs some counseling so he can gain control of his emotions. It doesn't sound like he's the type to seek help though as long as he can keep blaming everybody else. You may have to use some tough love and remind him that you didn't cause his illness and his actions are hurting you. Your reaction to this is normal. You can't overlook everything just because he had cancer. It's a disease, not a license to become nasty.Good Luck!Joe On the other hand, maybe he does. It's not like the caregiver is a mighty immortal who is never going to die and thus can't understand the patient's suffering. If that wife didn't care, she wouldn't bother to write. She'd chuck his ungrateful ass in a nursing home and let welfare put up with him; and don't think that doesn't happen!My father used to accuse anyone who offered him food of trying to poison him. Closer to the end, however, he got more polite and said he knew we didn't mean to poison him, but would we please send the food to a laboratory to be tested. Now it's my brother, and he screams at me every time I ask him a question for the various kinds of paperwork that have to be filled out so he doesn't end his days on the sidewalk.A family friend who just passed in hospice, on the other hand, was the hostess with the mostess to her visitors to her very last day.Some people just can't suffer gracefully, but some can!!! If the patient won't accept therapy or counseling to help him deal with his condition (and I'll bet he won't), then the wife should. There are people out there who understand, and will help!!!! sergeantmajorette Sun, 01 Jun 2008 00:00:00 GMT sorry your husben has cancer.  I got this way whan I found out I got cancer I was pushing my family away from me it cause by a lack of hope a sence of why me looking forward to a lot of pain  a sence of feeling useless. has it been explained to him how to manage hes cancer like no sugar  take antyoxident to reduce the tumars ect so treatment works beter hope this helps God BlessRay  jcr65566 Sun, 01 Jun 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 5/29/2008 500smwhr wrote:I suppose you might understand the mood changes if you had gone through all of this yourself.  "I don't like the person he's become".  What a horrible thing to say about someone who has been through all of this, and only has you to depend on for emotional support and strength.Put yourself in his shoes if you can. Maybe you will be a little more empathetic and understanding about "what he's become" and why he's arrived there.IThank God for my family and friends who were worried about me, and thinking about me, and not worrying about themselves during the toughest time of our lives.Woried about myself?  Did I say that?   Here's a thought.  Maybe you don't know everything. I am not concerned about myself.  I am concerned about my husband.  Everytime he flares up over something insignificant, everytime he is rude for no reason,  it upsets HIM.  And it upsets our SIX CHILDREN. No, I don't like the person he has become since chemo.  But I am worried that his abrupt change in behavior may be the result of the chemo drug or maybe the cancer has spread to his brain.   So, see, I am not a rude, horribly thoughtless person.  I am a sincere individual with other people to worry about.   ecmb709 Sun, 01 Jun 2008 00:00:00 GMT Thank you so much.  When I first read your post, I felt  peace because I no longer feel so alone.  Thank you for stating your experience.  ecmb709 Sun, 01 Jun 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 5/29/2008 Dolli wrote:this was quite rude of you to talk to this woman this way. do you not know how hard it is to be the caretaker of someone who is this ill, i 'm sure she did not mean it the way you took it. if she did, she would not have been looking for advice. may you look at the bigger picture the next time you read something.my husband took rad and chemo for a year, three years ago and has become a different person with mood swings. now the drs want to take him off the meds for his moods. this is very hard on all of us. MAY GOD BLESS AND KEEP YOU ALWAYSDarlene Thank you, Darlene.  This is such a difficult time.  I have to keep reminding my six children (ages 12 - 28) that their dad is still suffering some side effects.  But of course, I'm not absolutely sure this is the case.  Still I pray that it is and over time that he will become happier. ecmb709 Sun, 01 Jun 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 5/29/2008 Mr. Steve wrote:I can remember after my chemo & radiation, I was not the nicest person in the world.  Chemo changes everything in your life.  Only time heals wounds.  The wound of chemo takes a long time to heal, but never go away.  You don't have to like him right now, but love him right now.  This is a time of his life where he needs more love then ever before.PLEASE! I had small cell lung cancer.  My wife never forgave me for getting sick.PLEASE understand that he is very scared and needs your love.SteveYour wife never forgave you for getting sick?  But it was not your fault.  No one wishes to have cancer.   Thanks for your reply.  I have already prayed for you. ecmb709 Sun, 01 Jun 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 5/29/2008 RUGBY wrote: I have had chemo and rads for breast cancer - Grade 3 stage 3....  Mood swings are a definite reaction to having cancer.  Some people cope more with others regarding the follow up 'what if' questions that go through your mind.  'What if' it comes back?  'What if' it is still in my blood stream? and so on and so on.  I likened my feelings to those of intense grief ..... anger, sorrow, a total lack of control over a situation .... I must have been awful and three years on still have my moments.  NO-ONE knows what your husband went through in his mind whilst on treatment.  He needs love and tenderness and times to reflect by himself to come to terms with what has happened to him. You may think he is confiding in you, may think you understand, but only other cancer patients REALLY know what diagnosis does to you. The only person I know who didn't have mood swings or worry is a lovely friend of mine who is the first to admit she is a dumbo.... she isn't very intelligent and hence doesn't see all the future possible pitfalls.  We laugh about it and I envy her because the fear, once diagnosed, doesn't go away for most of us.I understand fear all too well.  I too worry that the cancer is still there, lurking somewhere.  And my husband does not talk about cancer.  He does not confide in my at all.  I have suggested that he talk to someone, a professional.  But I don't think he ever will. Thanks for your reply.  ecmb709 Sun, 01 Jun 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 5/29/2008 2ndChance wrote: Boy can I relate?  I remember spending time with my Dad and taking him to rad. treatments.  He was very stubborn (didn't really want help moving around) and nasty not only to me but to nurses, techs, Drs.  It was embarrasing at times.  I had to keep telling myself that it wasn't me and I kept apologizing to other people for him.  My advice to you is not to take it personally.  It's hard to put yourself in their shoes but maybe a support group for caregivers would help you.  You will see that this is quite common.  It's also a safe place to let off some steam.  Good luck to you and remember he is the same person you married for better or worse.  This is the worse.  You could also use this opportunity to get even closer to him by really discussing it with him in a loving way.  God Bless the both of you.Yes, I know not to take his rudeness personally.  But emotionally I am not so strong right now.  My main question is this:  Are the behavior changes the result of the chemo drug itself somehow altering brain activity?  Or are the behavior changes the result of his thinking and thinking about the cancer - worrying about the unknown primary and facing mortality?  Is the behavior change chemically- or emotionally-caused?  ecmb709 Sun, 01 Jun 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 5/29/2008 scqttv wrote:Sadly it is not the chemo or the radiation treatment that is causing the mood swings but the helplessness he feels. I was a total jerk when I was receiving my chemo and radiation treatment, especially towards my wife.  At worst, the treatments made me feel weak.  However, me losing control over my life made me angry because that what happens when you get cancer.  Because I am a man, I know that men need to project an image of being strong and a good provider but this disease destroys that image.  Now we (men) see ourselves as a defective person because it is our own body that is causing the disease not some virus. So, how can you be strong when you are defective. As the providers, we (men) are suppose to provide the financial stability for our family. Now, not only are we taking time off from work we also know that we might not be around to provide that financial stability for our family.. I know people want to help, and we will really be thankful for it later, but now your help is a constant reminder of what we think we have lost. We know that you want to help but all we see through our angry are people feeling sorry for a penniless and a defective man…that makes us angry.  In time, (if there is time), we will realize that there is more to us than our image and we will move on to the next phase which is when we begin to realize how much life means to us. scott    Thanks, Scott.  You really cleared presented the patient's point of view.  I think this is exactly how my husband must feel. ecmb709 Sun, 01 Jun 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 5/29/2008 Elle13 wrote: Medically speaking, I don't know if mood changes are symptomatic of chemo, but just logically I would imagine that just the diagnosis of cancer would change a person.  Add to that the poisonous chemical cocktail of chemo and I would say it would have to affect a person's personality.  I think logically you know that, but as a caregiver who is living this 24/7 it can't be easy.  I assume that you love your husband and have had a good marriage(you didn't say how old he is or how long you've been married, all this factors into how you feel), but let's assume the best scenario for the sake of argument...I work with older, ill people and it isn't easy.  One of the things you need to do for yourself is to remove yourself from the situation each day, at least for a little while and do something nice for yourself.  You need to be in a good place in order to be helpful to him.I will tell you from personal experience I was diagnosed with breast cancer in November of 2007, underwent surgery in Jan. 2008 and went through radiation treatment.  I am very blessed that all went well, but I will tell you that just the diagnosis threw me for a loop and honestly I will never be the same or look at things the same again.  While I was going through this my Mom, age 79 was diagnosed with colon cancer and is going through chemo, she is on her third round of 12.  I am not her caregiver, but I do see changes in her physically and emotionally.  Every different type of chemo comes with it's own set of reactions and she is experiencing loss of appetite, extreme fatigue, some nausea and neuropathy.  None of this is pleasant and so yes she is not the perky, happy lady I've always known.So all I can say to you is hang in there, try your best to be understanding and above all make time for you.  Perhaps finding a support group might help you cope or one on one counselling.  There is help out there, don't try to go it alone, you too need support.Good luck and God Bless you both.Thanks for encouragement.  My husband and I are 56 and will be married for 30 years this fall.  We have six children from 12 to 28.  I am most concerned about my 12-year-old.  She asked me just yesterday how much longer was her dad going to be in a bad mood.  It's just difficult to explain to my child without crying myself.   ecmb709 Sun, 01 Jun 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 5/29/2008 Runabout wrote:Remember the mood swings both ways.  Before my husband's cancer, he was the rock.  It was his position in the family to say, "We can't afford it today, but maybe someday."  His glass was always half full, and he was always saving that half for the "what ifs".  26 years of marriage, I grew to count on that.  When I would say, "I want to buy..."  he would say, "Man, I wish we could afford that, maybe after "x" is paid off.."  And that was fine with me.  But now, he lives for the moment.  Stuffing our weekends with adventures and attempting to fullfill every dream we ever had.  I'm the won who has to pull in the reins.  I'm the one who has to say, "maybe later we can".  That is also a very difficult thing to do.  Especially since it's such a drastic role reversal.  At 47, he is seriously like a little boy. Wanting to buy campers, and motorcycles, and taking trips.    I can certainly understand why, so I just have to pick up the slack.  I'll be the rock, I've certainly learned from the best.  Perhaps in time, things will come around again.  But for now, I'll be the bank account warden.  And, by the way, when he says, "I found the perfect Harley, we'll both love it" and I say  "what, did you find a money tree out in the back yard?"  He laughs, and says, "maybe after "x" is paid off".  (Right now is hospital bills, we can ALL relate to that!)  So he recognizes what is happening. I have faith that we have a "later".  At the moment he is NED.  Cancer changes everything in EVERYONE'S lives.  We adapt.  We don't take it personal.  Yes, cancer changes everyone's lives.  I was sitting at a basketball game not too long ago.  My husband who was diagnosed with cancer was seated on my left.  On my right was a woman whose son is battling lung cancer.  Seated in front of me is a woman who was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Is it just me or does anyone else feel that cancer seems to be everywhere? Thanks for your reply. ecmb709 Sun, 01 Jun 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 5/29/2008 momofthreeas wrote:My mother had small cell lung cancer and had chemo and radiation and I have ovarian cancer and have had surgery and am now on chemo.  I nursed my mother when she was undergoing treatment and developed cancer myself several years later.  If your husband has had the treatments and is fairly far out, perhaps it left some physical damage that causes pain and discomfort and makes him so irritable.  Men tend not to let us know when they don't feel good and you have to figure out why they are moody or angry when in fact they may just feel sick or are in pain.  I can tell you from nursing my mother with radiation and chemo and now going through chemo myself, plus the effects of the cancer, this is the most horrible thing I have ever been through and watched my mother suffer.  I have had miscarriages and 3 difficult pregnancies and deliveries and they pale compared to cancer and cancer treatment.  Your husband also may be depressed and need to be on an antidepressant.  Facing your mortality is a very frightening thing and I know it has made me very anxious and depressed.  I try not to take it out on my family but sometimes you can't help yourself, especially when you feel sick and weak on top of it all.  Your life revolves around doctors, hospitals and procedures and treatments which is depressing.  You feel so sick and weak at times and can't function as you once did which is also depressing.  I think it might be worthwhile to have your husband see a counselor.  He may need some medication.  And he may be suffering chronic pain.  I hope my experience has helped.  I have not experienced his form of cancer or treatment but talk to other patients with many forms of cancer and this is no picnic, regardless of the type of cancer you have. Thanks for your suggestions.  Counseling seems warranted in my husband's case.  I will encourage him to see someone.  He is not taking anything for pain or depression. I'm already making notes and will accompany him on his next doctor visit.Thanks for your reply. ecmb709 Sun, 01 Jun 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 5/29/2008 Julie21 wrote:ecmb709  - I TOTALLY understand where you're coming from and you should ignore anyone who tries to put you down or make you feel bad for feeling this way. The person with cancer is not the only one suffering or the only one with feelings. Like no one can understand a diagnosis, no one can understand what it's like to have the father of your children, your best friend, the person you depend on more than anyone else, the person you Choose to be in a family with. Struggle with care for face something like cancer. Being a caregiver is SO FRICKEN hard sometimes, during cancer treatment and after - My experience is similar to yours - My hubbie a perfectly healthy - and I mean no colds, flus, sickness ever, exercise everyday - strong like a bull - physically and mentally - was dx w/ cancer of hypopharnix (above esophagus) with spread to neck nodes - totally out of the blue. We never ever considered it was cancer as the tumor grew bigger and bigger in his neck. Cancer changed everything. I cared for my hubbie the way a mother bear protects a baby cub. I worked full time to care our health insurance, cared for our 2 yr old, was up multiple times a night with him and did not miss any doctor appointments - I pushed back with the doctors to be sure my hubbie was getting enough attention, the best treatment - both in terms of chemo and rad and surgery but also as well in terms of personal attention. We were alone in CA - the rest of our family on the other side of the country - so called friends were scarce. No one understands being alone in the darkest moments like a caregiver does. Everything is on your shoulders. Thank G-d - my hubbie is in remission - we are one year out. After treatment and for about six month he was UNBAREABLE - horrible - short tempered, mean, nasty - dark. Here we had just gone through this indescribable time of diagnosis, treatment, worry, tears, bargaining with G-d for his life, and now he was cured and I couldn't understand why couldn't get on with the life we fought so hard to save.  It took many tries to get him into a support group for anxiety and stress– he went once and said no one could understand what it was like to be dx w/ cancer, tried cancer support groups – said he didn’t want to be reminded of cancer and see people dying off – a therapist – another person preaching who didn’t get what he’d been through – three rounds of anti depressants – finally one worked, which he still takes. I think the rubber met the road when I told him to get with the living – I can’t ever understand on any level how he’s felt and the fear he knows or the pain – he can’t understand what this experience has brought me but together we have to move forward – I don’t dwell on his past sickness – honestly, now, I don’t see him as having been a deathly ill as he was – he seems like the regular guy I meet 11yrs ago. And I think he sees himself less and less like someone who had cancer. He had to fake it until he made it so to speak. On the last day of his radiation treatment the machine broke, of course, so we were in the waiting room, waiting for an hour or longer. This woman with an unbelievable glow was sitting across from us. I assumed she was a caregiver – we started talking and her story unfolded – she’d been dx w/ throat cancer w/ mets to lungs 30 yrs prior – she was back for a second round w/ cancer in her 60’s. I asked her for advice – my husband right by me – on how she lived after cancer the first time and survived 30 yrs– she said to my husband when you leave this office today – on your last treatment – walk away from this horrible disease and never look back. Life is good now, there’s still some fear and sad times, but mostly he’s grateful for a second chance and to live a good like. If you met him, you’d never know what he’d been through. He’s moving on.     Yes, yes, yes!  You wrote my experience.My husband's moods change.    I can almost see a black cloud come over his  face at times.   I know he feels bad.  It makes me sad.  And I'm really scared.  I'll be o.k.  But a worry about raising a young child alone. I don't mean to sound selfish.  But we've always been a good parent-team raising six children.  Thanks for replying.    ecmb709 Sun, 01 Jun 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 5/29/2008 Gunner wrote: Hope this helps, Find a support group fo him and you. maybe even contact the survivorship section of the American Cancer Society, Lance Armstrong Foundation Etc.There is a support in my area.  I am going to check it out.Thanks a lot. ecmb709 Sun, 01 Jun 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 5/29/2008 Travisdean wrote: Stay with him, love him when he is unloveable.God Bless you and your husband.DeanThanks, Dean.  I am praying for you.    ecmb709 Sun, 01 Jun 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 5/29/2008 sergeantmajorette wrote:Oh, my Lord!!! Can I ever relate to this!!! There is a lot of support out there for caregivers. Get some.Sometimes I feel really strong.  And other times I have no emotional strangth whatsoever.  A support group sounds good.   Thanks for your reply. ecmb709 Sun, 01 Jun 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 5/29/2008 Defjoeb wrote:Yes, your husband went through hell, but that doesn't excuse bad behavior. He apparently is having a hard time dealing with the changes in his life and is taking it out on everyone. There is no situation that someone can go through, no matter how difficult and scary,  that would make that reaction acceptable. His cancer is not the fault of anybody around him so they shouldn't have to suffer for his misfortune. He probably needs some counseling so he can gain control of his emotions. It doesn't sound like he's the type to seek help though as long as he can keep blaming everybody else. You may have to use some tough love and remind him that you didn't cause his illness and his actions are hurting you. Your reaction to this is normal. You can't overlook everything just because he had cancer. It's a disease, not a license to become nasty.Good Luck!Joe My husband was  one of those people who had been blessed with excellent health - he hardly suffered from colds or flu.  He was taken aback by the sudden onset of his cancer.  I think he has had to totally rethink his life and priorities.Thanks for your reply ecmb709 Sun, 01 Jun 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 6/1/2008 ecmb709 wrote: On 5/29/2008 Elle13 wrote: Medically speaking, I don't know if mood changes are symptomatic of chemo, but just logically I would imagine that just the diagnosis of cancer would change a person.  Add to that the poisonous chemical cocktail of chemo and I would say it would have to affect a person's personality.  I think logically you know that, but as a caregiver who is living this 24/7 it can't be easy.  I assume that you love your husband and have had a good marriage(you didn't say how old he is or how long you've been married, all this factors into how you feel), but let's assume the best scenario for the sake of argument...I work with older, ill people and it isn't easy.  One of the things you need to do for yourself is to remove yourself from the situation each day, at least for a little while and do something nice for yourself.  You need to be in a good place in order to be helpful to him.I will tell you from personal experience I was diagnosed with breast cancer in November of 2007, underwent surgery in Jan. 2008 and went through radiation treatment.  I am very blessed that all went well, but I will tell you that just the diagnosis threw me for a loop and honestly I will never be the same or look at things the same again.  While I was going through this my Mom, age 79 was diagnosed with colon cancer and is going through chemo, she is on her third round of 12.  I am not her caregiver, but I do see changes in her physically and emotionally.  Every different type of chemo comes with it's own set of reactions and she is experiencing loss of appetite, extreme fatigue, some nausea and neuropathy.  None of this is pleasant and so yes she is not the perky, happy lady I've always known.So all I can say to you is hang in there, try your best to be understanding and above all make time for you.  Perhaps finding a support group might help you cope or one on one counselling.  There is help out there, don't try to go it alone, you too need support.Good luck and God Bless you both.Thanks for encouragement.  My husband and I are 56 and will be married for 30 years this fall.  We have six children from 12 to 28.  I am most concerned about my 12-year-old.  She asked me just yesterday how much longer was her dad going to be in a bad mood.  It's just difficult to explain to my child without crying myself. Adding a pre teen to the mix certainly "spices" things up.  As you've been through that age before you know it's not an easy time under the best of circumstances.  With that being said I definitely recommend some counseling individually as well as as a family.  Pre teen and teenage years are all about the ME factor, and struggling with finding one's self.  She is probably scared about a lot of things and add to that her Dad being so ill and not such a nice guy right now, it's got to be hard.  I really encourage you to seek outside support.  Ask your Dr. or call your local hospital's cancer department and find the support you all need. Don't try to do it alone.  Family and friends are great, but sometimes professional help is the ticket.  Give it a try, what have you got to lose. Again, good luck and I will keep you all in my prayers.  Let me know how it goes.  Elle13 Mon, 02 Jun 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 5/29/2008 Tammy58 wrote:The short answer is yes, I'd say mood swings are quite normal.  A cancer patient is feeling "everything" - sad, afraid, angry, frustrated, grateful to wake up another day, loved, unloved, understood, not understood, you name it.  We're all over the place. Yes, I can see that a cancer patient feels everything and they probably feel trapped, too.  They can't escape their condition.  It's difficult for everyone.Do you know what someone said to me upon hearing the diagnosis of cancer for the first time?  She said, "Well, you have had it pretty nice."  In other words, I guess we were due for some tragedy.    ecmb709 Mon, 02 Jun 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 5/29/2008 rollman wrote:.My husband recently hit the one year anniversary mark. So far he is doing great and slowly coming back to be the same wonderful person that he was. Congratulations on making it to one year.  I pray that you will have many, many more years together.I think some of the responders here have misinterpreted my original post (not you).  I was not posting because I was concerned about me but about our six children (not originally mentioned, I know) and my husband.  It is so difficult to be the caretaker of so many people for so many years and then to be on the sidelines, helpless to to anything.  While my husband's position as breadwinner/provider has been threatened somewhat, my position as caretaker has been pretty useless.  Thanks for your info.  ecmb709 Mon, 02 Jun 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 5/31/2008 Sandra60 wrote:Talk about being rude!  We as caregivers know you are in pain/don't feel well/don't have cancer/etc., but it's not easy being on our side either.  I am so glad you have supportive people around you, my husband has supportive people around him as well, but sometimes it's just not easy taking the verbal abuse, put downs and rudeness.  Caregivers are people in distress too -  just in a different way!  What you said in your response was typical - it's all about YOU -  WRONG - it's about both of you together.  Remember, there are always two sides to everything. Cancer does affect the couple - in different ways for sure.  We're both scared.  You know the greatest fear known to mankind is the "Fear of the Unknown"  And what could be more unknown than an unknown primary? We always hope that the chemo-radiation destroyed the primary.  But it will only be known if the cancer was destroyed many years down the road if the cancer doesn't return.  Living with this uncertainty would cause anyone to be emotionally unstable to some degree.Thanks so much for your post.  ecmb709 Mon, 02 Jun 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 6/1/2008 jcr65566 wrote:sorry your husben has cancer.  Ray Thanks, Ray.  And I'm so sorry for what you have gone through - and still are.  God bless.  ecmb709 Mon, 02 Jun 2008 00:00:00 GMT I just want you all to know how much I appreciate all of the responses.  I did not check this site for a couple of days and when I did return I was unable to get to the message board for some reason.   When I finally was able to make it through to the message board and saw the number of responses that I received from my original post, I was overwhelmed!  Never did I expect my question to generate so many replies.  After reading your replies, it is obvious to me that this is an emotionally-charged topic.  And while I am not comfortable in any way that SO MANY people are experiencing something similar to what my husband is going through, somehow you have all given me some much-needed strength.Thank you all.  I have prayed for every one of you. Marie (ecmb)  ecmb709 Mon, 02 Jun 2008 00:00:00 GMT Odd as it may sound she never forgave me.  I smoked for years.  My getting sick changed her life.Cancer is life changing. Mr. Steve Mon, 02 Jun 2008 00:00:00 GMT I am not a doctor but having gone through chemo myself I'd have to say a little of both.  I always looked at it as pumping poison into my veins can't help but cause all sorts of weird side effects so it's a very good possibility that it can effect the brain in this way.  But if it is emotional, the best thing for him would be a support group or personal therapy with a professional familiar with chemo.  I know the hospital where I go have an oncology therapy staff.  I would check this out as soon as possible.  Good luck. 2ndChance Mon, 02 Jun 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 6/2/2008 ecmb709 wrote: On 6/1/2008 jcr65566 wrote:sorry your husben has cancer.  Ray Thanks, Ray.  And I'm so sorry for what you have gone through - and still are.  God bless.  yeah its hard, I’m not concerned for me but for my family. Like my daughter Jessica who’s just turn 21 and was also married. one year a go. When she comes over to see us. She gives me a hug like I was on my last leg or some thing. The look of concern in her face. I think I got a bit to close to my kids it just I love them so much I don’t want to see them suffer for my sake. Can you let your husband know. that mega does of Vitamin B helps, a lot. It takes a bout a week to kick in. and it good for the cancer to (could you tell him please don’t take it at night as he wont sleep it helped me when I was getting a bit depressed  A few. days ago I started taking the Graviola (Sour sop) again also Im taking 5000mg of vitamin C a day Iv got to tell you about  this A follow  Cancer patient friend of mine said he was advised to take Pawpaw as will as the Graviola pills. He told me why what he dos is  buy Pawpaw every two a week and he eat a half ever few days He said just eating two Pawpaw a week is very good to fight cancer it works by blocking the production of energy in the mitochondria of cancer cells in other words or layman terms cancer cells are bigger then normal cells and they need more energy then normal cells so the pawpaw extract blocks the energy pump in the cancer cell and it dies he told me the other things it dos is       Slows the Growth of new blood vessels in or near tumors  Depletes DNA RNA building blocks needed for normal and cancer cell division. Kills cancer cells that are resistant to chemotherapy drugs Prevent cells from activating ATP-Fuelled metabolic pumps that reject Chemotherapy  drugs Its up to 300 times more potent then the Chemo Taxol, without inducing weight loss  I hope you get all this messige some times a part of it is choped out All I can say is never give up there are lot of people here who can give you good advice God bless Ray    jcr65566 Mon, 02 Jun 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 5/29/2008 edupnorth wrote: On 5/29/2008 scqttv wrote:Sadly it is not the chemo or the radiation treatment that is causing the mood swings but the helplessness he feels. I was a total jerk when I was receiving my chemo and radiation treatment, especially towards my wife.  At worst, the treatments made me feel weak.  However, me losing control over my life made me angry because that what happens when you get cancer.  Because I am a man, I know that men need to project an image of being strong and a good provider but this disease destroys that image.  Now we (men) see ourselves as a defective person because it is our own body that is causing the disease not some virus. So, how can you be strong when you are defective. As the providers, we (men) are suppose to provide the financial stability for our family. Now, not only are we taking time off from work we also know that we might not be around to provide that financial stability for our family.. I know people want to help, and we will really be thankful for it later, but now your help is a constant reminder of what we think we have lost. We know that you want to help but all we see through our angry are people feeling sorry for a penniless and a defective man…that makes us angry.  In time, (if there is time), we will realize that there is more to us than our image and we will move on to the next phase which is when we begin to realize how much life means to us. scott    Scott, I believe you've hit the nail on the head.  No doubt chemo has some physiological effects that alter one's mood, but the whole process of knowing you have cancer, committing to the chemo, the lack of control you have over the process AND the results, and dealing with the long-term unknown all have a very powerful and generally negative psychological impact.  I learned I had Stage IIIB colon cancer on 12/17/07; my wife learned that she had a malignancy in a tumor removed from her parotid gland on 12/19/07.  She's completed 6 weeks (30 treatments) of radiation and recently got her first post-radiation scans---all clear!!  I've completed 8 of 12 FOLFOX6 treatments.  I can tell you that our moods have been up and down since Dec 07.  Fortunately we understand the other's situtation and have been able to lean on each other throughout the process.  Also fortunately, our church, our friends, and our faith have given us support when we needed it.Personally, I've struggled with the lack of control over schedule; I go where my doctors tell me to go when they tell me to be there.  I like to be active but for 4-7 days after a treatment, my preferred activity is shifting position on the couch!  I have a lot of projects that aren't getting done and that's bothering me more and more.  My patience (with myself and others) is essentially non-existant since I'm falling so short of my own self-expectations.  No doubt, I am moody.  For instance, I have a lot less traffic through my office on the 3-5 days after chemo than I do the 3-5 days before the next treatment.My wife and I are very fortunate; the people around us understand that we've been battling a disease that is trying to consume us from the inside.  The tools used to battle the disease are aggressive and have side-effects of their own that sometime call to question which is worse the disease or the cure.  The physical issues, each of us has to deal with individually as best we can.  The psychological issues are every bit as big a problem and from my perspective, the support of friends and caregivers is probably the most effective 'medicine' for these. Wow - you've both captured it beautifully if that is an appropriate way to state it.  It's that thought of lack of control.  What I learned after going thru a mastectomy and chemo is that I never had control in the first place - it was all an illusion.  I just go with the flow and continue to live my life around the tests and doctors.  Thankfully I am 3 years out but there's not a day goes by that I don't think about it.  I too had a strong support unit and my coworkers were very understanding at first.  But I think what people need to realize is that once treatment is over, you're not the same person and never will be.  So maybe an awareness of this by everyone affected by it would help tremendously.  We don't want sympathy or pity, we just want people to realize that things have changed.    2ndChance Mon, 02 Jun 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 6/2/2008 2ndChance wrote:Wow - you've both captured it beautifully if that is an appropriate way to state it.  It's that thought of lack of control.  What I learned after going thru a mastectomy and chemo is that I never had control in the first place - it was al