CancerCompass message board discussion started by poyc_1018 on 7/11/2008 http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,25951,0.htm Sun, 23 Nov 2008 00:00:00 GMT Sun, 23 Nov 2008 00:00:00 GMT http://backend.userland.com/rss RSS.NET: http://www.rssdotnet.com/ Hi everyone,I know caregivers have heard this before and have asked for advice, but I guess I'm here to vent and share. My mom passed away on 2/4/08...only 5 months ago...and tonight I hit a wall. We're starting the process of purchasing her monument and I had to find a picture of my mom. As I was going through my albums, I broke. I've had to be the strong person in our family. I'm the only child of one the strongest women I knew. My mom was the rock and I ended up fulfilling that role for a dad, who could barely take care of himself, and a family that was used to a daughter/sister who took care of everything.Now that I've let out, my mom' last year was short and rushed at the same time. She was initially diagnosed with breast cancer 5 years ago. She was in remission and all was good. Last June out of the blue, she was diagnosed with metastasized breast cancer, which had spread to her bones and left lung. She had chemo and fought her battle with a smile at all times. Her treatments were working until right before Christmas, 12/21, when we learned that there was slight activity in her liver.From that point on, our worlds had changed. From June to December, she had aged, shrunk in size and started to lose that fighting spirit. From December on, the light she shown on us had started to dim.then Martin Luther King Day happened and I got a call that I knew would start to change my world. She was rushed to the ER and I needed to drive down. My parents and I live about 1.5 hours from each other. Once there, I knew this was the beginning of the end.I took care of everything, just like she would have wanted. I spoke to doctors, nurses, specialists and family. She knew her battle was almost over, but we tried to laugh and enjoy each other's time as much as possible. But as each day and night had passed, we started to lose her more and more. Her appetite was gone, jaundice had set in, all vitals were slowing down. we tried all that we could.Day after day, I tried to keep hope that God would send us a miracle. That God couldn't be that cruel and let my mom, at the young age of 54 die.never seeing her daughter get married, seeing her grandchildren that were to come "one day" and still be my "mommy".But by the end of January, just 1.5 weeks of being in the hospital, just 7 months of being diagnosed, we had to move her to hospice.I would remind her daily that "it's ok.I'll be fine. You don't need to fight anymore. I'll take care of everything and I LOVE YOU!!!" She passed away in her in sleep the night that we moved her to hospice. On February 4th, my world changed and has never been the same.I know that it's only 5 months and it's still so real to me, but being "that" only child, the "strong daughter", my emotions have been bottled up so I can be strong for everyone else. But tonight, just looking at pictures and seeing her eyes looking back, that wound has been reopened and here I am.crying at my laptop, speaking to strangers and feeling comforted by this.I think my boyfriend would like me to cry more, but he lets me be and knows I'll have my moments. I'm not looking for words of comfort or advice. I guess, at this moment, I'm looking for people who understand what it's like to feel this feeling. A feeling that just might never go away, but that we learn to cope with better day by day. poyc_1018 Fri, 11 Jul 2008 00:00:00 GMT HI, Don't know if you believe in guidance or not..  But this is my first time on this site.  I may have cancer and was looking for information on what type of surgery to have.. It could be ovarian cancer so there was no reason for me to see your message. Anyway, I happened upon your message.  Your message touched me because your Mom sounded just like my sister.  She battled Breast cancer for 5 years.  Every year around Christmas it seemed another "development" happened.  My niece (her only child) has been dealing with the loss.  She met her fiancee after my sister passed.  (They are now getting married next week)  She is going thru the same type of thing you are.  Getting married no Mom.  Her Mom won't see her children etc..  She says people have been treating her like the "bride without a mom who needs help"  My niece is a very strong person and this has been hurting her more.  All I can tell you is that you will hurt and that the hurt will be HUGE at times and lesser at others. I think it was a few months later when it finally hit me with my sister.  We got a call on a friday that we needed to go see her.  I saw her that Saturday.  She passed monday afternoon.   I lost my mom March 2007.  SHe was 78 and had health problems it was her time to go and I, as many others have, thought that I was ready.  You can NEVER be ready for a loved ones death no matter how much you think you can be.  Just take it one day at a time.  For me sometimes it was a minute or hour or whatever.  Remember the good and bad times.  For memories are all we have left.  AS I have told my niece it's a rollercoaster ride.  One day you will be happy and another in the dirt.  Please know that there are people out there that understand and are going through the same thing you are.I firmly believe that my sister is and angel and she had me get up at 1230 midnight to find your message.  perhaps she has met your mom and they are using me to send you a message that it's ok.   I wish you luck and to let me know if you need anything.. aussiegrl8889 Sat, 12 Jul 2008 00:00:00 GMT I also was an only "strong" daughter; however, my mom was anything but strong (I took after my grandmother - her mom).  Mom was very sweet and loving and always saw the best in everyone.  Consequently, people would take advantage of that and run all over her.  I was always standing up for her - even in the last 2 yrs of her life when she was so ill.  When the doctors spoke w/ my dad about a liver transplant he told them no that he knew that neither one of them wanted someone else's organ in their body.  I knew this was her only chance to live so I stepped forward and told the doctor's to talk to her - see what she really felt - then I went to her and told her that her only chance to survive was a transplant.  She agreed to one but sadly tests proved her health was too compromised to warrant the transplant.  I lost my mom in 91 at 66 yrs young but she looked much younger (she was hospitalized for 3 months straight of which I only left the hosp twice for a brief period in those 3 mo).  A few nurses asked if we were sisters (23 yrs apart in age).  Mom was seriously ill for 2 yrs prior to her death and I had my own business so I was able to hire people to handle things for me and I flew from FL to IL many times (by the time she passed away my husband had been diagnosed w/ terminal lung cancer so I was torn between two people I loved who lived 2000 miles apart).  When I got the last call that time was short I flew from FL to IL in a panic - I don't even remember making the 90 mile trip from the airport to the hospital in a rental car.  Let's just say I made it in a lot less time than the speed limit allowed.  The nurses at the hosp said they had been telling her for hours I was on my way and she had been hanging on.  I ran into her room, put my arms around her and told her "it was okay".  She took one breath and passed away.  Dad's way of dealing w/ everything was to take care of business - he immediately got a new license plate (he had a handicapped plate because of Mom) and started going through her things and boxing them up to donate to charity.  It tore my heart out but I went along with him.  I found a poem in her things that my mother had written about her "green eyed beauty" (me) and I broke down and cried my heart out.  Being the strong one is an admirable trait but holding emotions in can be unhealthy.  I'm sure your boyfriend doesn't want to see you cry - he probably would just like for you to lean on him a little and let the emotions out rather than harboring them.  You are a beautiful tribute to your mother and she will always be with you in your heart.  Mom has been gone since 91 and Grandma made her final journey in 99 but their words of wisdom still come to me on a regular basis proving that those we love and who love us never really leave us - they are always with us in spirit.  Concentrate on the happy times you shared with your Mom and know she is smiling down from Heaven on her beautiful daughter.  Diana      Dlynn1210 Sat, 12 Jul 2008 00:00:00 GMT I am sitting here crying as your stories are exactly like mine! My MOM had breast cancer 7 yrs ago and was cancer free until recently. The news that the cancer is back and spread to her spine is not what you want to hear. The months ahead for myself and my family are in the dark as she will go for treatment that we know nothing about. It is so unfair. My Mom is 70 yrs old and knows in her heart that her time is limited. She has told me even before the treatment starts that she has lived a good life. I am so sad to think about this and dont want to think about it as miracles do sometimes happen. I love my Mom a lotSusanne   SMS1009 Wed, 15 Oct 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 10/15/2008 SMS1009 wrote:I am sitting here crying as your stories are exactly like mine! My MOM had breast cancer 7 yrs ago and was cancer free until recently. The news that the cancer is back and spread to her spine is not what you want to hear. The months ahead for myself and my family are in the dark as she will go for treatment that we know nothing about. It is so unfair. My Mom is 70 yrs old and knows in her heart that her time is limited. She has told me even before the treatment starts that she has lived a good life. I am so sad to think about this and dont want to think about it as miracles do sometimes happen. I love my Mom a lotSusanne  Hi Susanne I'm sorry to hear about your mother's reoccurrence.  I think the possibility of reoccurrence is always in the back of our minds once we have been designated "cancer free" after treatment.  As we get older and/or are faced with a disease that can be life threatening, we reflect on our past just as your mother is doing.  My grandmother was a very intelligent lady and she used to say that death is just another stage of life - the final stage.  We begin to experience losing relatives as children - first great grandparents and then grandparents.  As our children grow up, get married, and begin families, we see another generation emerging.  Sadly, with that realization is the acceptance that we will lose a generation in the future - our parents.Your mother is still young in today's world so don't give up hope yet - new treatment options are being discovered daily.  No one knows what tomorrow will bring so don't let the unknown tomorrows rob you of today's joys.  Set aside a day each week to have a girls day out - go shopping, have lunch, make memories.  Take a short trip if possible.  If you have or can borrow a video camera - tape a fun day together.  The holidays are coming up - have fun - decorate together.  Tell her you love her!  I pray that it is God's will to give you many more years with your mother but whether it is 6 months, 1 year or 10 years - enjoy every moment God gives you.  Diana              Dlynn1210 Wed, 15 Oct 2008 00:00:00 GMT Thanks for the reply Diana!...It helps so much to read posts back and forth from so many woman going through this! I wish I could spend a lot time with my Mom but she lives in FL and I am in NJ. We are trying to convince to come up so we can take her to Sloane.I will take your advice and enjoy today and dont let this disease rob me of the time she has left. Some days are easier than othersThanks againSusanne SMS1009 Wed, 15 Oct 2008 00:00:00 GMT  On 7/11/2008 poyc_1018 wrote:Hi everyone,I know caregivers have heard this before and have asked for advice, but I guess I’m here to vent and share. My mom passed away on 2/4/08...only 5 months ago...and tonight I hit a wall. We’re starting the process of purchasing her monument and I had to find a picture of my mom. As I was going through my albums, I broke. I’ve had to be the strong person in our family. I’m the only child of one the strongest women I knew. My mom was the rock and I ended up fulfilling that role for a dad, who could barely take care of himself, and a family that was used to a daughter/sister who took care of everything.Now that I’ve let out, my mom’ last year was short and rushed at the same time. She was initially diagnosed with breast cancer 5 years ago. She was in remission and all was good. Last June out of the blue, she was diagnosed with metastasized breast cancer, which had spread to her bones and left lung. She had chemo and fought her battle with a smile at all times. Her treatments were working until right before Christmas, 12/21, when we learned that there was slight activity in her liver.From that point on, our worlds had changed. From June to December, she had aged, shrunk in size and started to lose that fighting spirit. From December on, the light she shown on us had started to dim…then Martin Luther King Day happened and I got a call that I knew would start to change my world. She was rushed to the ER and I needed to drive down. My parents and I live about 1.5 hours from each other. Once there, I knew this was the beginning of the end.I took care of everything, just like she would have wanted. I spoke to doctors, nurses, specialists and family. She knew her battle was almost over, but we tried to laugh and enjoy each other’s time as much as possible. But as each day and night had passed, we started to lose her more and more. Her appetite was gone, jaundice had set in, all vitals were slowing down… we tried all that we could…Day after day, I tried to keep hope that God would send us a miracle. That God couldn’t be that cruel and let my mom, at the young age of 54 die…never seeing her daughter get married, seeing her grandchildren that were to come “one day” and still be my “mommy”…But by the end of January, just 1.5 weeks of being in the hospital, just 7 months of being diagnosed, we had to move her to hospice…I would remind her daily that “it’s ok…I’ll be fine. You don’t need to fight anymore. I’ll take care of everything and I LOVE YOU!!!” She passed away in her in sleep the night that we moved her to hospice. On February 4th, my world changed and has never been the same.I know that it’s only 5 months and it’s still so real to me, but being “that” only child, the “strong daughter”, my emotions have been bottled up so I can be strong for everyone else. But tonight, just looking at pictures and seeing her eyes looking back, that wound has been reopened and here I am…crying at my laptop, speaking to strangers and feeling comforted by this…I think my boyfriend would like me to cry more, but he lets me be and knows I’ll have my moments…I’m not looking for words of comfort or advice. I guess, at this moment, I’m looking for people who understand what it’s like to feel this feeling. A feeling that just might never go away, but that we learn to cope with better day by day… My heart ached reading your message.  My story is similiar to a degree. I lost my mother 7/21/07 @ the age of 78 after a 7 month hospital stay. I lost my sister (my second mother) 5/09/08 after a 5 month battle with 4th stage lymphoma.  I am still reeling from both their passing. I feel like a 3 legged stool with two legs missing. What prompted me to write was something someone said to me that made it bearable.  What was said was there was SO MUCH MORE to my mother and sister other than the fact they died. My sister was the strong one and I the baby.  God allowed me to be the one to give my mother permission to let go (she was suffering) and to be caregiver to my sister.  There are times I feel them close to me and know they knew God.  I believe they are with Him and are now whole and complete:their bodies free from illness.  I got on this site for understanding and comfort and didn't realize I may possibly be able to give some.  I still struggle at times with the realization both my othe two support beams are gone.  But I know this guy who feed the multitude witha  few pieces of fish and a coupla loaves of bread.  That gives me peace and courage to go on because I know they have been healed my His stripes.  I hope u find comfort and remind yourself to breathe ( I would forget so deep was my grief). It has gotten better. I found grief counseling helpful.  I pray your strength. fayesis Thu, 06 Nov 2008 00:00:00 GMT