CancerCompass message board discussion started by Liltex1018 on 2/7/2007 http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,9458,0.htm Wed, 08 Oct 2008 00:00:00 GMT Wed, 08 Oct 2008 00:00:00 GMT http://backend.userland.com/rss RSS.NET: http://www.rssdotnet.com/ Wow, I have no idea where to begin.  Lets see...My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer in April of 2005.  I was a senior in college getting ready to graduate that May. I was devastated. Absolutely devastated.  I went home as often as possible and her main goal was to make it to my graduation.  She did, bald head and all.  I moved home after graduation and helped take care of her.  She went into remission, but that only lasted a few months.  (we were so excited...we thought we beat this nasty disease) However, in October of 2006 she landed in the emergency room with a bad headache.  A few tests later we found out that the cancer had spread to her brain and one tumor was on a blood vessel which caused a severe bleed in her head.  Needless to say she went in for emergency brain surgery.  She was never the same after that.  Three months later, on December 31, 2006, she passed away in her sleep.Those were the longest three months of my life.  It was the hardest thing watching her deteriorate.  She was never the same after the surgery.  She forgot who people were and she had a very hard time talking and doing the basic everyday things.  I would shower with her, feed her, carry her to the bathroom, etc.  She refused to talk about what she was going through.  I don't know if she really accepted things.  I was not even able to really say goodbye. I am an only child and she was my everything.  I lost my mom and my best friend.  We were so close.  I mean we talked 4 times a day and hung out all the time.  I am only 23 and motherless.  I am lost.  I can't function.  I have no idea how to move on.  All I want is to be able to talk to her again.  I don't sleep because of the horrific images I have of her death and reliving the funeral. I am just hoping that this is all dream that I will wake from..... Liltex1018 Wed, 07 Feb 2007 00:00:00 GMT I am sorry for your lost of your mother.  My heart goes out to you for being there for her.  I lost my father in Dec 2004.  My story if you get a chance please read, "Cancer Again! Now What?".  I am a thyroid cancer survivor.  In Sep 2004, I gave birth to my son.  My son has my husband and fathers name.  At the time I asked my father if I could use his name he laughed at me.  I am so glad my son has his name sake.  We went home to Hawaii in Sept 2004 from Arizona and was back to send my Dad to heaven in Dec.  It was really funny because while we we're visiting my husband and I knew that the time was near for Dad.  I spent those 2 wks making up for lost time.  I regret that I was away for 22 yrs. but I have memories of my Dad that I hold dear to my heart.  My mother lived with us in 2006 until I became ill.  Now she lives in California with my sister.  I'd give up anything right now if I could be with her instead.  So, I give you a big hug and hope that you understand that God has her now and she no longer suffers.  Losing a parent is hard but you have to be strong and just remember that you we're with her till the end.  I miss my Dad too !!!  The best thing you could do is hold onto those memories in your heart.  Get a good support system.  Now I reside in Kentucky living with family.  I have been gone for almost 23 years from Hawaii and along the way I have adopted friends as family.  Please do not let your feelings go unheard.  Find comfort in God to get you through these hard times.  Like "footprints", let God carrying your burdens so that you may rest.  Take Care & God Bless.  Aloha, Paulette   Aloha Wahine Sun, 11 Feb 2007 00:00:00 GMT I am so sorry for your loss.  My dad has been diagnosed with stage IVlung cancer and is undergoing treatment.  I don't want him to die.  I amquite sure that your mom will stay close to you forever.  You will seeher from the corner of your eye and smell her in the warm spring air.She will be with you on your walks in the morning and before you goto bed each night.  And may you find comfort that someone in Chicagowill say a special prayer just for you before I go to bed tonight.sheri Sheri1 Tue, 13 Feb 2007 00:00:00 GMT I can relate to what you are going through to a point.  I am in the process of watching my mother die.  I am 34 years old and I lost my father at the age of 28.  He passed in his sleep quickly from a heart attack.  He was my son's "father figure" he meant the world to me.  I was the typicle "Daddy's girl". When my mother was dx with cancer in Feb of 2006 I thought no big deal we will beat this like we beat her uterine cancer 8 years ago.  Well reality is here and I am watching my mother, my best friend die in front of me every day.  I moved her into my house with me and my son and I take care of her house and mine while supporting her and my son.  It has been the hardest year of my life but also the most rewarding.  I was able to take care of my mother for the first time instead of her always taking care of me.  Be thankful that you had the time to take care of her and to give back to her a little of what she gave to you.  I regret not being able to say Goodbye to my dad, but I know that when the time is here I can say Goodbye to my mom and tell her everything that is in my heart.  I have already started to do that.  I know it will take alot of time to find comfort.  I still have flash backs of finding my dad, and I tend to get panic attacks.  It does get better.  You never forget you just learn to cope.I hope you find the comfort you need, but dont rush it.  You need the time to grieve.  I tried to not let myself cry and grieve, but all it does is makes it worse.Take Care and keep me updated on how you do. Carebear72 Tue, 13 Feb 2007 00:00:00 GMT I am so sorry to hear about your loss.  I just lost my father 2-14-2007 and I have been a mess ever since. We just found out 1-15-2007 that he had cancer and he had been in the hospital ever since. He had surgery 1-26-2007 and he never woke up after that except to open his eyes and look around. Before his passed it was 1 month that he was in the hospital and since I was able to have a conversation with him. I feel your pain with loosing your mother and I just want you to know I am here for you. God Bless You. Marie Justjordn Sun, 18 Feb 2007 00:00:00 GMT I lost my mom when I was 21 years old of lung cancer that spread to the brain, my father who I knew very little had died 8 months before of a drug over dose. I was very close to my mom. I am just like her. I have 3 sisters, one that was only 16 when our mom died (imagine that!) She is 23 now and getting married in 2 weeks. We miss her even more at times like these. My twin sister was pregnant when my mom died so when she had her Son she had no one to ask questions to. That is probably the hardest part, I still forget and think I'll just call my mom and ask her or if I have a good or bad day I think about calling her. All I wanted was someone to do or say something that would make me feel better, for the first 2 years I cried almost everyday I wasn't sure I was going to be able to live without her. As time goes by it just starts to not hurt as much. I still think about her everyday but I can talk about her without crying. I remember how bad my heart hurt, how it felt like someone was literally ripping it out. I wanted to tell you that it does slowly get better it just takes time.Sincerely,Grace C.I am not a real member of this web site. I saw your post on line and it reminded me of me and my sisters If you ever want to talk you can e-mail me at --- Message edited by CancerCompass staff: for personal protection, email address removed.  Please review CancerCompass Member Guidelines at http://www.cancercompass.com/common/guidelines.html ---- Neola Sat, 03 Mar 2007 00:00:00 GMT I have read your message and I started crying because I know exactly what you are feeling. My mother had breast cancer 9 years agowhen I was 15 , but she make it, she is now well, recovered. But after that my aunt , who was like a mother to me was diagnosticated with breast cancer too and she refused the surgery. After a while another relatice, an uncle, was diagnosticated with lung cancer. The doctors told us he will dye after 6 months because this type of cancer is very rush. But, he is alive in the present . My aunt died one year ago and I want to tell you something.I know how are you feeling. I was maybe the only one from my family who I suffered very much after my aunt's death because i am very sensitive person and because she was special for me. The others thought she had luck for dyeing so easily( which by the way I read about your mother).I dreamt my aunt many times, and she told me she is fine, happy now, and that she will always love and help me. You might think these are foolishness, but I have you that message because now, after a year I know that the love ones do not leave us completely. You will see in the future that you will feel your mother's presence or help, and you will start not to suffer so much. It will be hard but the most important thing is that you believe she is outhere , only that you cannot see.I wish all the best and please try to take any advice in your help and try not to suffer too much( I know this is hard, and it will pass a period but after that, even when you will cry or suffer, somewhere in your mind to be certain that your mother is not completely dead, at least not for you. Marina1983 Wed, 14 Mar 2007 00:00:00 GMT i send my prayers out to u and ur family. but i can relate to ur story so much because my mother passed away this past february from throat/lung cancer and im still very very hurt. i too am the only child and only 25 yrs old. my mother never married my dad but he was there for her and me everyday. by me being the only child this was really a hard time for me, but what pulled me through this was GOD. my faith in the lord and the fact that my mom is is in heaven and isnt in anymore pain helped me so much. my family is being very supportive during this painful time. i  hope u start feeling somewhat better knowing that ur mom is in a better place and is no longer in pain. remember u will reunite with her someday. Your mom is ur angel now and will always be apart of u. Blaquediamond82 Mon, 19 Mar 2007 00:00:00 GMT  On 2/7/2007 Liltex1018 wrote:Wow, I have no idea where to begin.  Lets see...My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer in April of 2005.  I was a senior in college getting ready to graduate that May. I was devastated. Absolutely devastated.  I went home as often as possible and her main goal was to make it to my graduation.  She did, bald head and all.  I moved home after graduation and helped take care of her.  She went into remission, but that only lasted a few months.  (we were so excited...we thought we beat this nasty disease) However, in October of 2006 she landed in the emergency room with a bad headache.  A few tests later we found out that the cancer had spread to her brain and one tumor was on a blood vessel which caused a severe bleed in her head.  Needless to say she went in for emergency brain surgery.  She was never the same after that.  Three months later, on December 31, 2006, she passed away in her sleep.Those were the longest three months of my life.  It was the hardest thing watching her deteriorate.  She was never the same after the surgery.  She forgot who people were and she had a very hard time talking and doing the basic everyday things.  I would shower with her, feed her, carry her to the bathroom, etc.  She refused to talk about what she was going through.  I don't know if she really accepted things.  I was not even able to really say goodbye. I am an only child and she was my everything.  I lost my mom and my best friend.  We were so close.  I mean we talked 4 times a day and hung out all the time.  I am only 23 and motherless.  I am lost.  I can't function.  I have no idea how to move on.  All I want is to be able to talk to her again.  I don't sleep because of the horrific images I have of her death and reliving the funeral. I am just hoping that this is all dream that I will wake from.....  I know the cry of your heart and the depth of your tears. I just lost my Mom this past July. She had ovarian cancer. She fought it for almost 7 years. The latter part of the sickness was so intense that my world stopped and I could not focus and a nightmare was evolving continously. There was so many little things that mounted up to big things and the whirlwind was on.How did I handle it then? How do I handle it now?One step at a time* The first step was truth and honesty to myself. Something that big was too over whelming that I could not touch or fix. I asked God to infuse inside of me the strength that it was going to take for this journey ahead. He is the maker of the body. So I decided to turn it into a GOD thing.We may not understand why things happen like this but never the less, I have learned that the greatest comfort is prayer and stay busy doing things that help others. Never never sit idol. it"s the worse thing that you could do right now. Get busy for productive stuff and go forward. You will always have her because your memories will never fade and a part of her is in you, which means she's partly here.Right? Smile and think of  something funny that she did. You are going to make it !!!God is there for you. Angels Awaiting Mon, 16 Apr 2007 00:00:00 GMT im very sorry about your loss and i know how you feel. My mother died from cancer when i was 8 years old, i was in 3rd grade when she was first diagnosed and diddnt fully understand what was going on. Now six years later i am 14 and i understand what happend and am beging to realize that she is never coming back but there is one thing that i do know is that even though she is not with me phisicly she is always watching over me and im sure your mother is doing the same thing. And your probally thinking what does a 14 year old know about this and i wouldnt blame you but please take the time to think about what i said.God be with you in your time of need. Totalcatreak4 Mon, 07 May 2007 00:00:00 GMT I know how you feel.  My mom just passed away yesterday.  I felt a piece of me also died.  I just wish I could still hear her voice.  Her death has been very devastating to me.  I can't imagine that life can go on.  I really love her so much.  I didn't think that it would be like this.  She was on life support when she died for a week and we couldn't exchange any words.  I just told her that everybody loves her everyday.  and she would shed some tears.  I just kept hoping that Jesus's plan was for a miracle.  I guess Jesus needs her.  I don't know when my pain will go away. Thereishope Wed, 27 Jun 2007 00:00:00 GMT Dear Thereishope, God bless you. I know your heart is broken. My son's dad died 3 years ago at 49 and we still struggle with his loss. All i can tell you is that it does get better and you will be better. Your mom is fine now and as beautiful as she was in her youth and she loves you and wants you to be OK. Keep your heart open and she will be there for you in the way that all loved ones who pass on are there.  I can't tell you how many times I have felt the presence of my husband, my father and especially, my brother who are now in a spiritual form. There are spiritual laws, just as there are physical laws, and one is that communication is on a completely different level. So when you see something and think, "That's odd, what a coincidence," know that it's your mom telling you she's OK and everything is going to be alright. She understands your hurt, and she knows that it's because you loved her so much. And she knows you're going to be fine. We also could not communicate with my husband before his death and it was so excruciating. But they are home now, really home, and you'll all be together one day. Watch for those little signs that mean your mom is with you. They are REAL, not accidents. Pain is something that you must feel to be able to process your mom's death. So just know that and try to press on the best you can. Your mom is fine.  Take good care of yourself and know that she is with you .... Lynn        Rljay Wed, 27 Jun 2007 00:00:00 GMT My son, aged only 20, died 3 weeks ago after a very long hard battle with this disease.....how can there be a God ? ? if there was he wouldn't let children/anyone suffer such a horrendous death I lay beside him when he took his last breath I will never forget this as long as I live, I've lost the light of my life, my preciouse son, my best friend . . .what God ? ? ? Alexis Wed, 27 Jun 2007 00:00:00 GMT Alexis,Your message brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry for your loss.  Qvonnie Wed, 27 Jun 2007 00:00:00 GMT I just find it so hard to believe that there can be ANYTHING ELSE, I know its early days yet and my whole family is 'reeling' from this but what really really hurts me the most, more than the thought of never seeing him again, is the suffering my Son had to endure, 50 months! ! not just more physical pain than anyone can imagine,the  lose of his dignity but the mental torture he  had to endure being told time & time again that he was going to die....how does a young boy of 16, 17,18, 19 then eventually 20 deal with this and then die...God ....if there were such a thing would not enforce such unimaginable pain on the innocents of this world ! Alexis Wed, 27 Jun 2007 00:00:00 GMT I am very sorry for you loss. I cannot say "I know how you feel."While I have suffered loss, no one grieves in the same manner. I'll spare you the patronizing comments. I'm with rljay, when its time, you'll hear from your son. It could be his favorite song, driving down the road, in a dream, who knows...but I know you'll hear from him.  Tumrs Wed, 27 Jun 2007 00:00:00 GMT I do honestly hope your right!    just don't think that you are take care Alexis Wed, 27 Jun 2007 00:00:00 GMT Dear Alexis, It's very hard to know what to say in a case such as yours. I often think about children with cancer and wonder how their parents endure seeing them suffer. You shared your story with us on this support network and perhaps you can do that with a support group in your town or online. There are many other people who face the same questions as yours and there are no answers to questions such as these. Making connections with others is a first step because connections are the thing that pull us together and help us find comfort. It was very hard for me to make connections in my grief. I hope that it will be different with you. How can there be a god is a very good question!  I think the term "god" in itself is problematic. When his father died, my son said "God hates me" and says that to this day. I believe our idea of God is very very different from the actuality. My mantra has become "Oh ye of little faith" and to me that means, there is so much after this life that is completely beyond our ability to understand and IS completely wonderful beyond our wildest dreams. I envision my husband, my brother, my father all in the most wonderful place, not just "heaven", but beyond that. And when i do that, I feel peace. To me, that peaceful feeling means I am right. Now, what do we do about our struggle? That is the true question that we must answer.   Your struggle has already taken you to an emotional place that few people ever go. Your spiritual landscape has completely changed from that of a few years ago. Look around. Find the others on this "island".  That will be key to your survival. We were put here to comfort each other, just as you did your son. Seek out others. You might have to look for a while to find the right people because your situation is completely unique to you. Remember that, and don't be offended when people don't understand.  You have so much to offer. Wouldn't the memory of your dear brave son be served so beautifully in sharing with others?   You have already helped me, Alexis, to see the suffering of others and how it relates to my own. It brings me to tears. Thank you for being so brave and asking those hard questions. Keep questioning. Lynn        Rljay Sat, 30 Jun 2007 00:00:00 GMT Wow, how wise you are for your 14 years. And so compassionate to say those words to someone who is hurting. I know your mother is very proud of you. It's hard to "switch gears" from knowing someone physically to knowing them spiritually, but you sound as if you "get it". You are so right. What a great person you are. Your mom is smiling right now ...  Rljay Sat, 30 Jun 2007 00:00:00 GMT Hi my name is Letty, I am 36 yrs old and I too am an only child. As I began to read your posting I began crying cause I felt just like you. But one thing that really hit me hard was her making it to your graduation. I was so thrilled to read that. I have a 17 yr old son and a 3yr old daughter. My son who my mom pretty much raised was her life (till my daughter ame along) My mom got sick with pancratic cancer in 2006, after many surgeries in 06 she never r ecovered, she was sick month after month, finally after being told they could not remove the tumor in her intestine, they gave her 6months to live. in May of 06 she became ill, she remained in the hospital till almost the end of July06, she passed away slowly on July 20, 2006. All I wanted was for her to make it to see my son graduate high school,she never got the chance. He graduates this year and I know she would be so proud. I am sorry, I am so sorry, the pain seems like it never ever goes away. it's only been a year for me and I too, am sitting hear thinking of the agonizing pain she went through. And how I saw her die right before my very eyes. I am sorry, but one thing like you I was there for my mom, I took a leave of absence from work and was with my mm every day and night. I too was so grateful to give back to her and care for her like she'd always cared for us. Take care, and I know it sems like your all alone and the only person in the worls without a mom, and I am sorry. I hope that you can find your way and get through this. Pray and the lord will get you through your ordeal. Letty Letty Wed, 04 Jul 2007 00:00:00 GMT I am so sorry for your loss. I have just also lost my Mother and Best friend only seven days ago And i know exactly what you are talking about.I feel so lost,I don't know if this world will ever be the same This pain is overwhelming. I just found this webpage and i am truly surprised how many people are out there who are going through similar situations, I think it will help knowing that. I will pray for you and wish you the best of luck in this challenging time. My heart is also broken. athena77 Sat, 28 Jul 2007 00:00:00 GMT I too am sorry for your loss. I lost my mom in March to brain cancer. I don't know if you have visited that board on this site or not, but a lot of what you describe of your mother's last few months is so typical there. It is a terrible thing and seems so unfair. Your mom would not want you to stop here though. She was obviously proud of you and would want you go on and prove her right! That is how we truely honor our parents. Rose1971 Sat, 28 Jul 2007 00:00:00 GMT i'm extremely sorry for everything that you have been goin through, i know that it is terrible and so hard to not be able to call or visit her whenever you want...my mom had renal cell carcinoma, she passed away may 22, 2005. i also was in college and came home to be with her...her cancer started in her kidney and in a little over a yr...had taken over. my mom fought her hardest as did my whole family! i just want you to know that this yr will be the hardest and it will take a lot to get through all of the holidays, birthdays, and her room and bathroom! that was the hardest for me, i could still see her wearing her clothes in her closet and smell her wearing the perfume in the drawer! but i promise it gets better and easier...i still think about her all of the time, constantly i hear her voice w/ everything i do, but its better, this second yr ive had a peace with everything and come to understand everything so much better...good luck to you and your family...you will be in my prayers! always have faith and always look forward to the next day and be so greatful for everything you have! dance Wed, 29 Aug 2007 00:00:00 GMT