CancerCompass message board discussion started by laura C. on 11/11/2003 http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,961,0.htm Fri, 05 Sep 2008 00:00:00 GMT Fri, 05 Sep 2008 00:00:00 GMT http://backend.userland.com/rss RSS.NET: http://www.rssdotnet.com/ Hi, its me Laura and I've posted previously regarding my 38 yr old brother Nat. Nat was first diagnosed in Feb 2003 and passed away Nov 6, 2003. I always took care of him even when he was a baby and although he was a year younger than me, he sometimes played the role of the "big brother". Now that he's gone, I find myself questioning if I did enough for him. Maybe we should've switched Drs., maybe even try some experimental treatments, anything which may have prolonged his short life. During his wake and funeral friends and neighbors told me I did more than expected but it just doesn't seem that way to me. I feel that there must have been something else, anything. I know he's now with my mom and dad in heaven and he no longer has any more pain or suffering. The day before he died he was in agony, his back was sooooo sore and he kept asking me to help him and I gave him his meds and tried to make him more comfortable to somewhat lessen the pain, nothing worked. The hospice nurse even suggested to Nat that he go to the hospital for the pain control, but he refused. The nurse stayed all night with him so that could get some sleep and she left around 8 in the morning, Nat had been asleep since 2am. I sat with him and tried many times to wake him up by shaking his shoulders and calling his name. I even told him that he was scaring me by not waking up, but nothing worked. I sat with him all morning, taking the blessed oils we had from both St. Jude and Padre Pio and placing crosses on his forehead and chest, in some hope to wake him up and I even called my Aunt Mary to come over to see him and we could pray over him together. Still wouldn't wake up. I was monitoring his heart rate and respirations and his heart was racing at 145 beats per minute and his resps were only at 10 and they were very shallow. then at 1:28 he awoke, yelling in pain and mumbling to the point that I couldn't make out what he was trying to say. My aunt was asking me what he was saying and I didn't know. I asked him if he needed any pain meds since he hadn't had and since 2am and I tried to give him only 1/3 of the dose of the liquid morphine for the breakthrough pain, but he didn't swallow any. Then I noticed that he was having major problems breathing and I had already called the hospice nurse to come over right away, she was too late. While my aunt rubbed his forehead and I held his hand and rubbed his chest, I watched in Horror as my brother passed away right before my eyes and I kept yelling for him to breathe but he didn't. Now I have regrets that I didn't call 911, I also rack my brain to figure out what he was trying to tell me right before he died, but I guess I'll never know the answer to that. Now I sit there and look at the empty bed and I look at his dogs with the sadness in their eyes because they know that their daddy is gone ( they went in Nat's truck to the funeral, who was driven by his best friend ). Nat definitely would've wanted his dogs to be there, no matter who didn't like it. I truly believed that Nat would beat it, after all he was only 38, previously in excellent health, and strong as an Ox. Even Nat said that he would beat it and he was determined to do so, and he was doing really well for a while. He actually walked upstairs and was using the walker around the house, I was sooooo proud of him. So again, I sit and wonder if it was all enough, was there something else I could've done. Well I guess I 'll never get that answer now will I. laura C. Tue, 11 Nov 2003 00:00:00 GMT Laura: My name is Judy T. My husband, Jim, has esophageal cancer and I kinda feel like you did before your brother died. I always wonder if I am doing enough for him but then I try to get rid of that thought. It seems that I make all the medical decisions for him and things were going really well for a year. Now he's not doing real well but we're fighting it. He told me the most important thing is that I am there with him always supporting him and that I do. I don't know what a few months will bring or a few years but I try to cherish every day that I have with him. Anyway, don't have a guilt trip over your brother. God has a plan for every person and each person has a limited number of days on this earth. Nothing you could have done would have changed the outcome. The best and greatest gift to your brother was that you were there for him and you tried to help him in every way possible. He may not have been able to tell you but he appreciated that very much. It doesn't really matter what he was trying to say at the end as he was probably hallucinating. Don't beat yourself up over it - just try to remember the good times with him. He is still alive - in your mind and soul. He will NEVER leave you and will always be a major part of your life. Let go of the bad - thrive on the good. Life goes on - enjoy each day, smile and remember him when he was healthy and active. He wouldn't want you remembering him so sick and helpless. If you want to talk to you, go outside and look to the sky and talk to him. I really feel a deceased person can hear you. If you are a Christian, pray for God's healing strength. God can and will help you get through this. Judy T. Jim T. Tue, 11 Nov 2003 00:00:00 GMT Dear Laura, I know there are no words I can say to make you feel better for the loss of Nat. I just wanted to say how much I appreciated all of your help when I started asking for help on anyone that knew anything about Iressa. You jumped right in and gave me so much support. Please know that you did everything you knew you could with the information that you had. All of the care givers are asking themselves the same question. Am I doing all I can to help the one we love. I don't think Nat would want you to go through such agony searching for answers. It is so heartbreaking to read your post. Please try to get some support from a grief center. Cancer Treatment Centers of America has so much to offer in this area. All of the care givers are asking themselves the same questions. We try to do everything possible and hope and pray what we are doing is enough. I wish I would live closer to you so I could see you and give you a big hug. I have mentioned to you before that I also have lost loved ones from this awful desease, My Father, Mother and also my Brother and have asked myself the same question. If you would like to e mail me directely, plese don't hesitate. I would love to keep in touch with you just to see how things are going with you. You are in my prayers to give you strenght to go on. As you said, your beloved Brother Nat is with his Parents smiling down on you. Please take care of yourself and wishing you the best always. Anna August Z. Wed, 12 Nov 2003 00:00:00 GMT Hi Laura Yes, you did so much and I am sure your brother knew it and loved you for it. I am a lung cancer survivor and please take my word for this, I knew the people who cared and the people who did not. Cancer is just a awful thing to have and most of the time there is just not a lot we can do. You have done it all, now remember him with a smile on your face. I'm sure he would like it that way. Mr. Steve Wed, 12 Nov 2003 00:00:00 GMT Laura I just lost my husband at age 44. He also was never sick was in the Marines for 21 years and very healthy. He fought will all he had and lost his battle as did your brother Nat. It is always hard to imagine life without them, but do remember the best times and the smiles and laughter that you had with him. This will help you through those rough times. I have many rough days and will have for a very long time, but I also have a 12 year old daughter to remind me of her father and gives me the strength to carry on. Just talk to him, he hears you. Don't second guess yourself. They know who was there and taking care of them, even when it became difficult to do it. I know my husband knew I was there and I was with him to the last breath as well. I am just thankful that I had the opportunity to talk with him and discuss how he felt and what he was feeling. I also am thankful that God brought him into my life for the 20 years I had him. Just because they are gone physically, doesn't mean that their beliefs and memories are gone too. Hold on to the great memories that he brought into your life and give yourself some credit for supporting him through his sickness. You were there and that's all that counts. Keep you head up and keep his memory alive. God Bless and keep you... Connie Connie Thu, 08 Jul 2004 00:00:00 GMT Yes, you did enough and the best that you could!! Please do not feel guilty -- I went through a similar experience myself with my mother. She died at home right before my eyes as well and I had to watch her deteriorate for 10 days prior to that -- it is an awful experience. Your experience with hospice sounds much better than mine -- the nurses only visited occasionally and did not even answer pages in a timely manner. My mother was in constant pain and we could not help her -- in the end, my sister did call 911 by mistake in panic (she was supposed to call the hospice nurse) and they came -- 911 does not work with hospice patients -- they are considered terminal and there is usually a DNR (do not resusitate) order -- don't feel like you should have called 911 -- it would not have mattered or helped -- your brother is better off not suffering even though I know it is hard to accept that fact -- I did not want my mother to suffer, but I didn't want her to die either. Unfortunately she did not have any good options. Let's hope that they are both now in a better place and that they are happy -- please don't feel guilty. You have had to experience first hand the death of someone very close to you -- it is a terrifying and scaring experience, but you will survive -- I am trying to cope with this as well, so I know.... Mhop53 Tue, 26 Apr 2005 00:00:00 GMT Connie, God Bless Your Husband. I hope you are doing well. You said your husband was in the Marines for 21 years. Was he in a Theatre-combat? And what type of lymphoma did he have? Bsmcarol Sun, 08 Jan 2006 00:00:00 GMT I just lost my mother to lung cancer. I cared for her as well as my husband and three children. I think you will relate when I say that it seems like everyone dissapears when someone gets very sick. Of course they come out in droves with simpathy when it's all over. We caregivers are alone. We do all we can and that is a very noble thing. Not many people can say thay have been through the horrors that we have, and somehow we come out the other side,when it is all over, and ve are better people for it. My mother gave me strength, and I hope to carry on. It is hard,I miss her so much. My children are 9, 4 and 2. the little ones don't understand. They keep asking me when nana is coming home. I live in her house and I am surrounded by her memories. I'm tired, and I think I'm still in shock a little.My mother was only 58. I'm 29 and I'm too young to live without my mother. I do not have any regrets' though. I did so much. I don't know how I did it all. I fed her,handeled her meds and her doctor's appointments. I payed her bills and gave her piece of mind. I gave her her beautiful grandbabies every day, and I somehow took care of them too. Eventually I bathed her and changed her diapers. Even now I don't know how I handled it all, but the fact that I did makes me proud. God has given me alot of strength and a lot of gifts. I got to spend every precious moment with my mother and I am grateful. I hope that time has given you some closure and that you are proud of yourself. You are truely a good person and a wonderful sister your brother was lucky to have you Mdawn76 Thu, 10 Aug 2006 00:00:00 GMT