CancerCompass message board discussion started by Justjordn on 2/14/2007 http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,9627,0.htm Fri, 05 Sep 2008 00:00:00 GMT Fri, 05 Sep 2008 00:00:00 GMT http://backend.userland.com/rss RSS.NET: http://www.rssdotnet.com/ I lost my daddy today at 8:30 am. and none of us were able to get there before he died and I am so mad at myself that he died alone in a hospital bed surrounded by no family. I live in Ohio and we had that terrrible snow storm last night that dropped over a foot of snow and freezing rain on the area. We got a call at 7:30 in the morning that he wasn't breathing right and his heart was not beating correctly and they wanted to know if we wanted them to give him medicine for the heart and put him on a breathing machine. We told them to alone give him the medicine but no to the breathing machine. By the time we got there he had just passed away moments earlier. I am upset because I feel like he was alone and no one was with him when he died except for nurses and doctors. I am also upset because he had surgery 3 weeks ago and has not waken up since them except just for a few seconds and he didn't know anyone, I never got to say goodbye and I never got to let him know how much I loved him eventhough I spent 10-12 hrs everyday at the hospital with him. Does it ever get easier??  I can't seem to get a handle on this and all I do is cry. What can I do to help????Daddy                                                                   Although I never got to say goodbye, I know you hear my every word. I love you and you will be sadly missed. You are the king in my life and I thank you for everything you did for me. I know you are in heaven waiting for me to join you and I will see you again. I don't know how to go on without you and I can only hope you will give me the strength to move on and keep going everyday. I love you daddyYou little girl Marie a.k.a. punk Justjordn Wed, 14 Feb 2007 00:00:00 GMT My goodness - I cannot help but cry for you. I really don't what to say. We can tell you that he knew you were there, hopefully in time you will know that. Keep talking your Dad. Ask yourself - Does he know how much you love him? Does he know that you would have given anything to be with him in the end? And, maybe, he went because he he did not want you to remember him in the hospital bed, but only to remeber those moments you shared with him before surgery. I have shared experiences with close friends who have been through the same situation as you. He knew you were there before he went into surgery. He was preparing.My husband and I have part of treatment center where we made some very close friends. All in the same situation. Some still here, some have passed. A man we made very good friends with passed away.And, even though I never met his wife, I became close with her through phone calls and emails. She went through all of what you and your family has with your Dad. She told me, that Joe was so  stubborn, he did not want her (his wife) or kids to know he knew the fight was over. Even though they knew it was coming, he would not show it.He was in a hospice enviroment when he passed, and even though she was there, She did not think he knew that, physically that she was there.  But afterwards, as her and I spoke of our "situations" , she realized some things. Joe would say he saw his Mom and his aunt. (They have passed) Joes wife (Theresa)  said that she assumed he was hallucinating because he was so sick. She told me she did not realize it wasn't unreal for Joe, but at those moments, it would have brought her comfort to know that he was not hallucinating, he was going and his Mom would be there. This has nothing to do with religion or afterlife or anything of the sort. It's just, I take great comfort in Theresas first hand experience, that when our loved ones go, they are not alone. I don't know what happens, none of us have any idea what is in thier hearts and minds at those moments. I just know, Kevin and I  have been fighting this fight for 2 years, and we have lost friends to this and we have shared our experiences and listened and held tight to each other. Your Dad was not alone. He really wasn't. I often take comfort in the belief that Kevins Auntie Sophie, and Uncle Barney and Kaz and his little dog Sleepy are going to be there for him. I believe, in some way, we all will see those who we need the most to guide us when "HE" calls (I guess that;s a good way to put it.). Please try and take comfort from the words of woman who has seen it. I often remind myself of her words to me. Please my friend, grieve for your father and all that you and he and your family will miss. The loves, laughs, tears, disappointments - the first boyfriend that wasn't good enough for you.... He has that tucked away safely in his heart.. There is something that "our patients" have that we could never even begin to imagine.  ~~~ I sent an email update the other day that said "He may not be able to sit up too long, and getting to the bathroom is like a marathon.But he holds my hand with Superman like strength. Strength that we can only imagine - and hard to keep up with.....Talk to him often while you and your family are going through this. Throw things, scream, yell, cry,PRAY.  But DO NOT, DO NOT hold on to something that you cannot change - No what ifs, shoulda, coulda, wouldas. At first yes, you will. But your Dad was not alone. I only have  this to offer through my friend who lost her husband. It's not a "feel good" story that says "You will get through this one day at a time," Time heals all wounds"  - It's a message from your friends that wish you the best and will pray for you, and think of you when you need it need it. Love and Hugs Lou38s Wed, 14 Feb 2007 00:00:00 GMT What a sad sad time for you.  15th Feb would have been my father's 90th birthday.  He died 32 years ago and I never stop thinking about him with love.  I feel he is always here with me and that he advises me and guides me.  What a privilage to have had a parent or parents (loved my mum equally) that we could love so.  I too, was a punk and regularly gave him a hard time.  Don't worry, my dear, your father will have had your love to help him move on to the next adventure.  He surely wouldn't have wanted any of you to add to the pain of losing ,him by feeling sad that the weather prevented you from being with him, in his final minutes. My sister died whilst we were all out of the hospital and when we grieved over the fact, the nurses in charge, told us that ,very often, the departed wait for that quiet minute to leave us.  It is a, after all a big journey.This hideous pain you are experiencing WILL pass but Like me, today, Daddy will always be with you.  God Bless and love, Delia. Delia Margaret Thu, 15 Feb 2007 00:00:00 GMT Thankyou both for your kind words. It is so hard to know that I am never going to see him again and I will never hear him call my name. I try to stay strong and try to remember he is in a better place now and that he is happy there but it doesn't work all the time. I wish he would give me a sign that he is ok and let me know he is still here with me. Thank you both so much for what you wrote although it made me cry reading the messages it also made me smile. Thanks again your friend Marie Justjordn Thu, 15 Feb 2007 00:00:00 GMT Hang in there my friend. Don't fight what you are feeling. Go through it and feel it. I just wanted you know that our loved ones do wait for quiet moment to go. Don't ever feel regret that you were not there. Well, that was kind of a dumb thing to say. Because you will feel it. But, As you feel this, keep reminding yourself that he was not alone. Eventually, you will know this. In the meantime, you wil go through this and come out of it ok. You Dad will be proud. Lou38s Thu, 15 Feb 2007 00:00:00 GMT  On 2/15/2007 Justjordn wrote:Thankyou both for your kind words. It is so hard to know that I am never going to see him again and I will never hear him call my name. I try to stay strong and try to remember he is in a better place now and that he is happy there but it doesn't work all the time. I wish he would give me a sign that he is ok and let me know he is still here with me. Thank you both so much for what you wrote although it made me cry reading the messages it also made me smile. Thanks again your friend Marie  Delia Margaret Sat, 17 Feb 2007 00:00:00 GMT Hello Dear Marie.I am so sorry for your loss.My heart goes out to you.I lost my Daddy in 2004 in October and I was supposed to go and see him..I lived 10.000 km away from him. When I talked to him on the phone he said "Goodbye forever" and I said that he should not say things like that because I am coming..but he always was joking about "going".Two days later he passed away sitting at the table at night watching TV.I was devasteted.My plane was scheduled for the day he died.For a long time I could not forgive myself that I wasn't there with him.The day before the funeral I wrote a nice card for him as if...he was still alive...   and put it in his jacket pocket at the cemetery.It was my way of saying Sorry and Goodbye to him. It gives me comfort knowing that he has my note with him.I don't know how to explain better what it makes me feel but I found a comfort at last.Wish you all the best and as somebody said don't hold anything inside let it out.LOVE lots Elizabeta Elizabeta Mon, 19 Feb 2007 00:00:00 GMT