CancerCompass message board discussion started by Lovingheart on 2/28/2007 http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,9952,0.htm Sun, 06 Jul 2008 00:00:00 GMT Sun, 06 Jul 2008 00:00:00 GMT http://backend.userland.com/rss RSS.NET: http://www.rssdotnet.com/ I am a 26 year old newly-wed. Myhusband just lost his mother February 2007. We were just married on New Year's Eve and I need some advice. My husband was the baby of the family and he and his mom were very close. He is now still in grievance for his mom and I can understand that he often tells me that during his lunch break he goes to visit his mom's grave site, but he cannot go inside of her home. I just want to know if anyone can give me any advice on how to help him cope with his loss. Like I said we were just married and we were planning our honeymoon for Valentines but after all this it had to be postponed. I want to be there for my husband without feeling like I am telling him the same thing that it will be okay. I cannot say I understand the hurt he is feeling due to the fact my mom is still living and he asks me daily have you talked to your mom, and sometime I feel uncomfortable telling him about my mom with his mom being gone. If anyone could offer me some advice on this I would greatly appreciate it. Lovingheart Lovingheart Wed, 28 Feb 2007 00:00:00 GMT I know it must be a very confusing time for you.  My father has been diagosed with kidney cancer with poor prognosis, and my husband (who is a doctor) seems to be at a complete loss for what to do or say.  I can say though, that I wish he would give me hugs and let me cry on his shoulder, help me to celebrate the things that I love about my father and how lucky I was to have him in my life at all.  I wish he would help me to look forward to the next chapter in my life, and all the wonderful things that are yet to come our way (building our own family, our own family traditions, building a dream career).  My husband and I haven't been married long either, only about 3 years.  Don't ever make the mistake of telling him that you know what he's going through.  Do give him space and time to grieve.  Do help him to find happiness through he activities which he once enjoyed.  Do help him to find peace in knowing that his mother is no longer in any physical and emotional pain.  Please understand, don't desert him and leave him feeling like there's no one left in his world.  A situation like this can turn into the worst thing that could happen to a marriage, or it can provide you with an opportunity to grow closer than you ever imagined. Fightingfordad Wed, 28 Feb 2007 00:00:00 GMT I don't think you could have any better advice than what was just given. It can be very hard not to be selfish, especially since you are newly wed. But - for better or worse - it's your time to show your strength and unconditional love. If you are looking for someone to say poor you, that's not good. (And I share that in the most understanding way). Read the previous post over and over if you have to. It's your time to be strong and supportive. Things will get better as long as you don't expect it. There is no time line on grieving your Mother. If it were your Mom, what would you want? We all wish you the best, and please come back if you need "you" time. There is nothing wrong with that. It's just a sensitive time for him right now. There is nothing wrong with telling him you miss him. But, timeing is everything, and you will know. Truly, you will know, when you need to tell him how much you miss him. Then he may be able to talk openly about how much he hurts. Remember - he is a man :-) We all have good men - but, still men! - - - I wish you the best Lou38s Fri, 02 Mar 2007 00:00:00 GMT When I lost my Mum last year it took a good six months before I really felt human again. My brain was overwhelmed with processing my recent experiences for a full month. I dreamed about it every night. It was literally like a computer working at max just to keep doing the basics. I didn't have any extra space for anything that could wait, until my brain was freed up again.Just be there for him and let him work it out. Hugs are always good. And having someone take care of the day-to-day crap that you can't be bothered with is wonderful (like food, shopping, bills, phone calls...).Tell him to sleep more, as this helps with the processing. Well it helped me anyway. He'll get there with your love.  Kilgh Sat, 17 Mar 2007 00:00:00 GMT I think you need to just be there for him if he wants to talk he will don't push him to talk about it when he's ready I'm sure you'll be the first one he'll turn to.  Wishing you the best of luck.Cindy  Cindy611 Fri, 20 Apr 2007 00:00:00 GMT I was wondering how your father is doing? My best friend was just recently diagnosed with RCC and it has already been difficult, he had an allergic reaction to  nexavar  and now doesn't think he wants to try anymore meds.  I don't want the reaction to happen again but I also don't want him to give up , I thought maybe you could help?! Cindy611 Fri, 20 Apr 2007 00:00:00 GMT Hi, Cindy; thanks for your message.  My father is struggling.  He also, like your friend, has had a terrible reaction to his RCC treatment.  He was on the Sutent.  He just seems to be having one complication after another from the Sutent and all of his surgeries (he just had a third surgery).  It's very frustrating, because all of the complications he's been having, are things that only happen to 1% of cases (not exaggerating).  While on the Sutent, his platelet count dropped to dangerously low levels.  He developed an enormous bleed in his abdomen after having a needle aspiration to drain lymph fluid (perhaps from lymph tubules where lymph nodes were removed from his first surgery).  He is finally recovering now, but it's very slow.  His doctors are now trying to decide what to do next.  They are considering the Nexavar.  I know my mother wishes he would just stop treatment, and stay home to recover, focusing a lot on nutrition.  He doesn't want to give up, though.  It's a tough decision.  Some people have terrible reactions to the treatments, but who ever wants to give up hope of cure?  I know that for me, it's hard to know what to think about what is best, because I never want to give up hope on my father.  One part of me wants for him to stay aggressive with treatment.  Another part of me, however, worries about him dying from the cancer treatments long before he would die from the cancer--as this is not uncommon.  I worry about him being malnurished (a common complication with cancer patients that can become terminal), I worry about unusual complications (as he seems to have a lot of them).I  think for my family, what all of this is going to mean, is getting a second opinion.  After all, one never wants to be left wondering, "what if..."  We are currently at Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN; our oncologist  is good, but not exceptional.  We are considering getting opinions from MD Anderson, or Slone Kettering, or UCLA (we are told there is a leading RCC researcher there).  I want more than anything for my father to live another 25 years.  But if that's not possible, then I want the rest of the time he has left, to be as happy and enjoyable as possible.  I want him to have the strength and energy again to be able to do the things he loves most: gardening, snow/water skiing, hiking with our dog, working, having big family meals at home with all the relatives, etc.  I don't want him to spend the rest of the time he has left, in hospitals.  He's already spent 2 of the last four months in different hospitals.  It's not a great way to live--especially for an active man.Even if my father decides eventually to stop treatment, I won't give up hope.  We will continue to focus on overall health of mind, body, and spirit.  You never know, perhaps that could do almost as much for slowing down the cancer growth.  You can always hope for spontaneous remission.  Or at least hope for more happy memories with your loved one/best friend.  Whatever your friend decides, I think the best thing you can do for the both of you, is to help him keep living--don't let him stop living and enjoying life. Fightingfordad Sat, 21 Apr 2007 00:00:00 GMT Hi, I lost my mom just over a year ago and it was the worst experience of my life.  I almost cancelled my wedding because of it.  My fiance (at the time - now my husband) siad, let's just wait a few weeks and see how you feel.  I got better and we had a wonderful wedding.  Nothing but time really helps and the amount of time depends on the person.  I would say be as normal as possible.  Talking with people who knew his mom and remembers funny or touching stoires about her will help.  And I would think his mom would be sad that he is spending so much time being sad.  Good luck, and it does get better!.  BoRhonda Thu, 28 Feb 2008 00:00:00 GMT