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I don't believe there is an easier way, Cory. Our journeys along that path of grief, I believe, are as different as we are. One thing's for sure, there don't seem to be any short-cuts. 

There are grief support groups that help; talking to good friends who do a lot of listening is another. That's a method I use; seems like every time I talk about it, the pain lessens just a tiny bit. 

One thing that really helped me was listening to others' stories about my Dad ~ some funny, some sad, some I never knew. Each one affirmed that he'd touched their lives in some way, enough that they came to the wake and/or funeral, or sent a card with a note. I wasn't the only one who was missing him.

A faith, where you really believe there's a heaven where you will once again be re-united with your Mom...., where there are no tears and the complete satisfaction of eternal life basking in the unfathomable love of God and fellowship with all who have believed and gone before. While not diminishing the pain we feel as those left behind, faith gives us a certain hope that this life is short, and the next unending, and very soon we will experience a glorious reunion, where God will wipe away every tear from our eyes. In fact, He weeps with us now, and keeps our tears in a bottle, proving that He understands the pain and suffering the loss of a Mom or Dad, or even a Child causes. 

As for holidays, perhaps Mothers Day could be celebrated as a remembrance of your mother, where you cry together and show your children pictures of your beloved Mom, share stories about her. Ask the children who've known her to share also. Show them she is gone, but never forgotten.

Ditto for Christmas! Carry on her traditions, honor her, plant a tree or her favorite flowers in remembrance of her! 

My heart aches and my tears mingle with yours, with love,

diane

On Mar 15, 2010 7:20 PM steph_rn wrote:

Hope your visit went well, Dave.  Now it's over....!!  What did they say....

We don't go on daylight savings time in Arizona........just have to be different from everyone else!!!.....and to confuse everyone when they call from a different time zone!

Steph

Hey Steph,

We ran into that "no daylight savings time" in AZ for 30 years in calling Bart's parents. I never could get that straight. (Yeah, I know 30 years is a long time to stay stupid!)

But the worst was when we transferred planes on a short hop from CA to AZ and no one told us the times were different. We got to the gate, after a 1+ hour wait (which we thought was 2+hours) to find out our plane left 10 minutes before. We had stopped in a Bar/Grill to eat and have a  few brewskies, as Dave calls them, all the while complaining to each other about the extra-long wait. 

The gate attendants were sympathetic ~ even relating stories of others who had fallen into their diabolical plot, including one family who missed Christmas along with their plane. They also said the airport would not allow them to put up a clock. 

You Arizonans are "ones of a kind" ~ just look at John McCain!  (Oops, no political talk!!!) Hey, I just found out when my oops came up misspelled, that OOPS also means, Our Overnight Planning System for teachers ~ figures!! Now don't take that wrong, teachers out there. I am one and have the right to laugh at our own. Also, there's an OOPS List of what seems like aviation near-disasters. Now that's something to really get a chuckle over!!!

Please excuse, I'm really in a silly mood this AM!

Must have rubbed off from Dave. Really, Dave, you've got more fans on CC than you can count. We all need encouragement and laughs. Don't know what we'd do without you, myself included!

Love, diane

Thanks Steph and Jim, for your encouraging posts. It just hurts so much to see Bart suffer like this. I know his irritability comes from the cancer and the pain. My main concern is the driving. I know I should take the car keys from him but he would just go berserk . I sometimes wonder if he has a death wish, or probably he's just trying to gain some control over his life again. It's such a sad, but dangerous situation. I will take your advice, Sarah, and take off tomorrow and tell him the truth ~ I can't go to work when I fear he would take the car out! He's probably so sick of seeing me and hearing me ask the same questions every day...

Jim, I'm being as patient as anyone could possibly be. I was venting here on CC, but I don't to him.

This too shall pass! We've been spared so much, for which we're very thankful. Like the very old song says, "and I'll go to sleep counting my blessings."

Love, 

Diane

MelMarie,

How wonderful of you to ask ~ there are so many things you can do. It's so important for both the person who has cancer and the caregiver to have people around who truly care ~ a support system.  

Not knowing anything about your friend's family situation, or how long her husband has had cancer, or if he's at home, or in the hospital, it's hard to give you specifics.

Some suggestions: treat her like you always have: call her, invite her over or go to her house "just to talk." Then do lots of listening. Ask questions, get a sense of what she and her husband need. If it's true, tell her you'll be there for her ~ then do it! Tell them about your father ~ successful recoveries are a great source of encouragement. 

Ask if you can make a dinner, (your idea of a gift card to a restaurant would be wonderful if her husband is well enough to go too,) or clean, or get something at the store for her offer that. Bring them a book: A great one I recommend is A Reason for Hope: Gaining Strength for Your Fight Against Cancer by Michael S Barry (a chaplain at Cancer Treatment Centers of America) 

Be positive and encouraging, if you believe in prayer, pray! Perhaps you could enlist the help of mutual friends, so someone calls her or does something every week. If she has kids, offer to babysit or pay for a babysitter so she and her husband can have some time together alone.

As caregiver of a husband who has cancer these are the kind of things I would be most appreciative of. 

Two things NOT to do: Don't call and say, "If there's anything you need, just ask."  Offer something specific. And don't treat her and her husband like untouchables..

You're a special friend!

diane

On Mar 13, 2010 8:02 PM safetytom wrote:

Hello all, I just want to say thank you for your wisdom on the board. Yesterday was my 1 year anniversary from being complete with treatment. I have come out of the radiation and surgeries fairly well considering the process. 1 year later I can eat and taste almost everything. I still have difficulty with bread and crumbly foods but for the most part with a lot of water, I can get it all down. My taste is 100% back but my saliva is 20% at best. Still waiting for a healing with that.

God is my healer and I give all credit to Him for giving me and my family the strength to make it through this battle. My new theme song is "What faith can do" by Kutless. I have seen miracles just happen, impossible is not a word just a reason for someone to not try.

to all going through right now.. let your faith rise and believe that you will have the strength to beat the battle. Things look dark right now but, it does get better with time. The pain will go away, the difficulty swallowing will go away, the mucous will go away. Embrace the new you that emerges from this battle. I look forward to hearing the rest of your 1 year anniversary stories. I know there are many who have beaten the beast.

I'm celebrating with you, Tom. My husband is 12 days out from the end of his treatments (3 chemos, 40 rads) We're looking forward for him to be looking at cancer in the rear view mirror. Right now, I'd settle for him being off pain meds and able to swallow anything by mouth. 

Such good news: taste back 100% and eating practically everything. I agree with you, that's reason for a big Yeah God!

Looking forward to being there around this time next year,  Diane

On Mar 13, 2010 4:54 AM arsimanoff wrote:

My heart is breaking for Effie...her wedding that her beloved Father will be there in her heart that day...

and to all my special friends in the same journey with me...

I have been in a fog of relatives coming to my parents' house like a revolving door...and the Italians keep coming with the food and the never ending hugs, kisses, and tears...and tomorrow is going to be a circus too...

We just began the Hospice program on Wednesday and my Mother has already been seen by the intake nurse and her assigned nuse two more times...the home healthcare aid twice already too(a wonderfully nurturing woman who is just so knowledgeable about how to care for my Mother as a bed ridden patient)...

The social worker called...the acupuncturist called a few times but we have decided not to have him come at this point...and my Mother is resting very peacefully in her hospital bed...with the ocasional use of oxygen...the bedside commode that we won't be needing?...the overbed tray that will not be used too...

During the first exam with the intake nurse she was examined and it was determined that she has 1-3 weeks; with Easter being a stretch...and after the second visit (with her assigned nurse) her blood pressure dropped significantly...so we were told 1-2 weeks...and then the same nurse came this morning and found that my Mother's blood pressure had dropped again...and she asked if we had discussed any plans for the funeral...WTF?:-(

I'm not sure if the timing of the Hospice services are just falling into place with my Mother's own plan to slowly shut down...or did the Hospice services gently encourage her to relax and begin to let go...

The bed is wonderful because she doesn't need us to help her into a sitting up position...and all the liquid meds. were messengered to her door that first night... 

It's like out of a sad but beautiful movie...the hand holding and the telling to her...all the wonderful life lessons she gave to us her daughters...

Just to see my Father fall asleep in a chair next to her with her asleep too...priceless

I'm sooo tired...cried more today then the last seven months...need a shower and to brush my teeth

...and more family/friends coming tomorrow...but she sleeps mostly...and only drinks sucking from a sponge at the end of a stick...like a lolly pop...

My sister and I have started to pour out our hearts to her this evening...just thanking her by living by an example...

My Mother just loves everyone she connects with unconditionally...and always thinks of others first...and she is the matriarc of her family...over her sisters and their families...

And it will be the end of an era for us when she passes...

but all her love is now coming back to her in her final days with us....

My sister is sleeping over again tonight...her kids/husband too...

Just hope she waits until I come back to her tomorrow...

need my bed now too...ZZZZzzzz

April

Oh April, my heart goes out to you and your family.

Your posts remind me of the last month of my mother in law's life. She was a wonderful  woman who accepted me into their family immediately. I was closer to her than to my own mother. It's so very hard watching someone you love suffer and get closer & closer to death. 

My MIL fought so hard to live and my husband, his sister, and I took turns being with her. She, too had numerous friends who came to visit. But the "Care Center", the nursing home section of the place where she lived, was only set up to do simple care. Anything serious and they'd call for an ambulance. She must have been taken by ambulance to the hospital 5 or 6 times ~ one time 2 days in a row! 

She, like your mom, would not hear or talk of hospice. One of her docs actually told us her prognosis was about two years. That was less than a month before she died!

You're so blessed to have this time, and the ability to pour your hearts out to her, to thank her and re-live with her what she's meant to you! She and your dad obviously raised two very compassionate and grateful girls.

It might be best to limit the number of visitors, if that's possible. Or at least warn them that their visits must be short. The visiting nurses could handle that job for you. 

When it was time, my MIL, after a talk with one of her docs who told her she'd probably never move back to her apartment, decided finally to call in hospice. They were wonderful! There aren't enough adjectives to describe all the ways they ministered to her and us too. She was taken to an in-house Hospice Unit. We had gone back to IL, (she lived in AZ) but were able to be with her about 3 days before she died.

May the peace of God rule in your hearts!

Love, Diane

On Mar 14, 2010 1:30 AM Shellsoup wrote:

Thanks Dave.  How long before you were back to some sort of resemblance of your self?  I know he's in there but I'm not seeing it.  He's frustrated with the mucous and nausea that still plagues him.  He's existed on Ensure through the peg tube for the past month.  Nothing but water by mouth.  Were you able to eat by mouth throughout your treatment?

I hate cancer and I hate that I can't do a d!#n thing to help him feel better.  Any suggestions?

Shelly

Hi Shelly,

In an earlier post, you told us you were dealing with a new mass, perhaps a swollen salivary gland. Was that the problem?

My husband just finished with 3 chemo infusions and 40 rads for stage 4 SCC, BOT, with mets to 5 known extracellular lymph nodes. Although he had surgery to remove the primary 1 X 1 X 1.1cm BOT tumor and neck dissection where they removed 60+ lymph nodes, 4 of which were pos. and extracapsular. But before beginning chemo/rads, he felt a large lump behind his ear. This also turned out to be cancerous, but the RO, MO, and ENT decided they could zap it and he most likely would not need surgery. SCARY! We felt it go down dramatically during treatments. It served as an indicator that the treatments were indeed working. Now it's wait and see and pray, pray, pray!

Hope your husband's was just the swollen salivary gland. Everyone's so different, even with the same type of cancer.

Love, 

diane

On Mar 13, 2010 8:38 PM Tony_L_2 wrote:

It was exactly one year ago today that I dragged myself through the door for my last radiation treatment.  I, like Safetytom, thank God for my healing and continued health on this Anniversary Celebration.  I feel so fortunate to be where I am at compared to a year ago because I can remember so vividly how I felt on that day.  I was so glad and relieved knowing that I wasn't going to be back there the following Monday for another treatment but I also felt like I had been run through a meat grinder. 

And for those of you who are in the furance at the moment, find your strength and your hope and cling to them through the rest of your treatment.  You will make it through just as SafetyTom and I and many others here have and Lord willing you will be able to join us in celebrating your 1 year anniversary as well!

Tony

Tony, I'm so happy for you! CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES, come on!! Bart & I are celebrating with you and your beautiful wife and former caregiver.

I'd been down in the dumps because Bart's in the "cooking stage' and we've been counting the days, then I read where it may be weeks, or months.... and found that totally depressing.

But I remember when we first met ~ early fall? I had no idea you were only about 6 months out from the end of treatment. You looked so healthy! I owe you so much, your answering my unending questions, and especially a referral to a very capable and caring RO Group! Of course during the last few weeks, they were on Bart's "Hit list" and still are ~ but deep deep down inside, he knows better.  :o) WELL.... maybe it will take a little more time.... even I'm on that list right now!

You, Dave, Sarah, and so many others on this site have been a real encouragement to all of us woefully treading down that unpaved, pot-hole filled road less traveled. But we see you up ahead, cheering us on, and making us realize that there is life after cancer ~ abundant life!

Enjoy this milestone! There wll be many more to come!

Love, 

diane

Your post, Laura is very discouraging ~ no fault of yours, just this diabolical treatment. My husband, same primary, more lymph nodes, stage 4, is about a month behind you guys. These last 10 days since the end of his 3 chemos and 40 rads have really gotten him and me down.

Through it all, up to 10 days ago, he's been mostly upbeat and feisty, with the most wonderful sense of humor. Now the humor's gone, he's extremely irritable, anything I say is wrong. He won't listen to anything the doc or I say. He sneaks out to drive, though he's on heavy pain meds and can barely turn his head to see if cars are coming and almost got in an accident with me in the car recently. Our daughter will take him places during the day while I'm working, but he sneaks out, then lies to me about it. I've been the scapegoat and I hate it!!!

Sorry about being so negative and venting, but I've always depended on him to get me out of a funk. We've been laughing together for 43 years; he's been my rock! Now the shoe is on the other foot and I'm drowning in it! 

diane

On Mar 12, 2010 7:22 PM Fighting_Ray wrote:

I have come across a lot of info in the net on so called “cancer diets”  I have a friend that followed a diet   with NSCLC Stage III and won her battle. (no chemo no drugs)

 

I would like to hear any success stories on “Cancer Diets”  What worked what didn’t work.  Maybe we can all learn a thing or two from each other.

 

Thank you in advance.

I'm tracking this thread because I'm also very interested in anything to bolster our natural immune systems and make our bodies as uninhabitable for cancer growth as possible. I'm reading a highly recommended and updated book:  Anti cancer by David Servan-Schreiber. It's full of explanations of what makes cancer cells thrive and what inhibits them, offering empowering strategies to prevent their growth. It also deals with the mind/body connection. It comes from a doctor/researcher, but also 2 time brain cancer survivor, and for the most part is quite easy to read and understand.

Thank you, MK for the information about what works for you. But do you think it would work as well with Americans who've been tainted by traditional American food? Another subject altogether, but it's incredibly interesting to see how different types of cancer display themselves geographically.

I'm hoping lots of cancer survivors or those who want to beat the genetic odds post success stories.

diane