jeanbarb

On Oct 20, 2009 12:00 AM millyppl wrote:

Hi all,

My name is Milly. I have decided to join and share our journey, need to share with someone who is going through this. As many of you know there is only so much you can tell the spouse and family. How do you say I,m tired of this I want it to go away without making it sound like you dont want to do what you should. Those of you who need to say that will understand. Anyway I dont mean I dont care I'm just tired. I will not let him know how angry I am at the cancer, how dissappointed I am at the doc saying enjoy the holidays and you should make the best of it. He is my other half how do I except the fact that I will have to live life without him. I dont want to!!!!!!

We have been battling this since 2001. Dave was stage IV when they found it, the old story where he ignored the symptoms too long.( I think sometimes I am angry with him for that.) Surgery was not an option at that point, it had already left the prostate. We have done well until recently. We have been through hormone therapy, tried genetherapy, chemo several times, still doing it weekly, and yes radiation. We no longer get to enjoy life much. It's all about gaining time now.

I feel really selfish wishing we could just dance again, walk to the river with a glass of wine and watch the sunset, go look for the perfect antique for the old Victorian house we have worked on for years. I have to wonder why cant I just feel happy to have him beside me. I know it really doesn't make sense for me to be mad at myself for wanting the normal in life to come back. Sometimes we need to be selfish I suppose.

                                                                      Milly

Hi Milly....  You aren't selfish at all for wanting the simple things so many others take for granted.  You're just angry with the deal that life has cut you and I don't blame you.  It's normal to get tired as a caregiver not knowing what the outcome will be.The only thing wrong with anger is it takes up energy to be angry with a situation you have no control over.  This site is also new for me.  People that haven't gone thru dealing with cancer can't possibly know how it changes ones life so how can they help.  I was diagnosed w/stage three lymphoma  about a year ago.A mass had grown in my abdomen with feelers clinging to my small intestines so it was inoperable, but oncologist suggested aggressive chemo to shrink it  so it would fall away from intestines and so far after 5 treatments, it's working.  I don't like to talk about it cause I'm afraid I'll wake up tomorrow and find it's back.  I also am looking for friends on this board anh hope we both do.  I will keep you in my prayers...Barb

On Oct 12, 2009 12:00 AM nadezda wrote:

Hi,

I live in Toronto, Canada.  I had a breast cancer last year, stage 3, had chemotherapy, surgery, radiation.  Returned back to work, but my position was closed, and I am without job now.  My husband passed away a long ago, and our friends moved to Europe.

I had a boyfriend who left me for another woman after I lost job, and I feel extremely lonely and lost.

Maybe you could connect me with another cancer survivors in Toronto who are alone also, women or men, does not matter, because I just cannot stand it any more being alone, and I do not know what to do.  I do not drive, and use only TTC, please connect me with people or group where I could get by TTC, just not to feel so terrible lonely! I do not need a psychiatric help, I need friends!

Thank you!

Lina

I understand your feeling of dispair. I was my sisters caregiver for 15 years till she passed 2 years ago.  then my schnauzer went looking for her one night and went into the pool and drowned.  We had it covered but just enough water on top.  He was my companion.  When she passed, her daughter sold the house and  I found a small apt in senior housing but, very hard making new friends when your older.  I was diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphoma shortly after. I have 4 children but for one, I wouldn't be living today.  But she has to get on with her life as well.  The nights are the worst.  The silence is deafning so I leave the t.v. on just for the noise.  I'm having a problem retaining fluid in my legs and we can't seem to find the cause  so am currently on fluid pills which limits my trips to the outside world.  I don't mean to sound whiney but  feel once you've been diagnosed with cancer, you can never go back to the way things were.   You are not alone.  I will keep you in my prayers.