Hello I figured since I just went through this (Had my LEEP on the 7th of this month) and I also had a very caring OBGYN that maybe I can answer some of your questions. I'm 22 and mine was caught very early but a few of these questions you have were brought up in conversation during my last biopsy and PRE OP appointment.
To your first question my doctor uses a mixture that contains vingar and it has been showen that it can highlight infected areas on the cervix that is exposed and scraped during your pap smears. That could be what she meant by visible. To break down what is causing the reaction will be viewed through a microscope.
2. Every surgery treatment is different and usually tailored to every indivudual. Sometimes your ovaries are left in but if given the option, you may consider having them removed as Ovarian Cancer tends to show up the older you get. They usually leave them in for hormonal reasons but there are pills, patches, and injections that are part of Hormoneal Replacement Therapy. I wish I could confirm or deny your question about chemo but again, that will be tailored to your surgery and recovery.
3. Now HPV doesn't go away. Sometimes the bodies immune system beats it like a regular cold or flu and you just build up an immunity to it. HPV comes in many different types and forms. You cannot be given the same virus again because you're already infected and it doesn't not make it better or worse. HPV also only targets the cervix. There are some forms of HPV that can leave warts and that's really the only physical sign your husband could show. If it hasn't appeared already, then I'd say you probably have nothing to worry about.
4. I haven't found any cases listed about men contracting penis cacner from HPV since the virus just targets the tissues that effects it. He is only a carrier and can pass on the virus but since you are already infected, you can't get the same strain again.
It is also impossible to tell who you got it from and what time. You could of gotten it from your first time up til when your abnormal paps started coming in.
You shouldn't have to feel like an idiot because I do not think that any of the sex ed classes schools provide have ever gone over HPV. I didn't know anything about it until my first pap came back abnormal at 20 years old. It's also natural to feel how you're feeling. It's a shock that no one prepared you for and that's why you feel like you do. I hope this helps somewhat and if something isn't quite clear I'll try to clear it up better.