I feel like cancer has been eating away at me my entire life but I never knew it till it was too late. I lost both my grandmothers to cancer, my uncles on both sides, my mother just died of lung cancer New Years Day. I also know that this is my third cancer 2nd round of colon cancer and skin cancer melanoma. I am just so alone you know, I have some family, but they don't get it, and I can't talk to them about it I am dying by degrees and putting off any treatment for as long as I possibly can, I'm tired, tired of being alone tired of being sick tired of missing a warm shoulder to lean into. I don't know, do I look viscous because people only want to get so close to me, I think my honesty scares them. It compels them to be honest when they'd rather plead ignorance rather than to hash out the truth...absolutely the second can be more painful, but honestly there is a peace you can't get by stuffing the truth away and letting it our to talk it's like cleaning a wound it hurts at first then comes relief and rest. I don't know, maybe I'm crazy, I don't feel 51, but my body says to me "you are" I don't look it but my red tear strained eyes say I am. I don't know. I hope I go to heaven, I hope someone will say they love me before I die. That's all I want to be loved before I die, I want someone to feel that they can't go on without me. And for them to tell me they don't want to lose me and me to say I don't want to go and mean it cause right now I don't feel it at all. I just feel sad and tired. And nobody is gonna friend me on here after reading this. Honesty, it kills my chances every single time.