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by StephenS on Tue Mar 27, 2018 03:24 PM

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Well Stan I always read with interest your insights and struggles as they help me and let me realize we are all in the same "life" boat.  I am just twenty four hours away from heading north to Virginia to be with two of my children and seven of my eleven grandchildren for Easter.  You are so right about family and how putting all of your energy and time into loving and giving and sharing with tem makes life worth living even though the loss is still great.  Happy Easter Stan. 


by StanToronto on Tue Mar 27, 2018 04:29 PM

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You are headed up to Virginia?? Wow! That would be a two day trip for me, not to mention, that would be too much of a trip for me nowdays, and still be useful after i got there. Fortunately, my kids are only at most, a half hour drive away on a nice rural highway.

I have not been very good at replacing grandma for the grandchildren. Yesterday, I was reviewing some of my 15,000 family photos, and I noticed that whenever grandma was with the grandchildren, she was always totally engaged, whether, getting down on a little table sharing a tea party together, or on the beach, down in the sand building sandcastles with them, or getting on various park kiddie rides with them, or all of the other stuff girls do together. I remember when I learned that I was going to have grand 'daughers', I was scared, thinking "I don't have the siighest clue what to do with little girls. :-)  And I still don't. Females have always been a mystery to me. I love mysteries.

Nevertheless, I do a lot of significant stuff for my grandchildren, and they demonstrate their affection without reservation. The best one comes from my 12 year old grand daughter, who yelled out the door as I was leaving my 75th birthday party at the end of the day:

"Grandpa!!!  Don't die too soon!!"   

Happy Easter Stephen!


by StephenS on Tue Mar 27, 2018 07:10 PM

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I learned how to be grandma at that first Thanksgiving when Andrew, one of my grandchildren, asked me "Grandpa, why didn't grandma send me a birthday card?"  Needless to say that really tore deep into my heart and I promised that would never happen again.  It's important to keep family life going even when you don't want to. I could go on for hours about how and what they have said and how it has stung and hurt and has made me smile and laugh too but the point is, we are still the Sapienza's and we share the hard times and the good times.  So much to be thankful for. 


by eternalife on Sun Apr 15, 2018 07:44 PM

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To all still grieving.. we have earned this badge of courage.. others have yet to get one..

I have not been on this site for a while... I have become a grammy for the first time and at least can take some joy in this. However, the emptiness remains as I have to associate with others as a single.. can't go places without feeling that loneliness.. have you heard although you are in the room with a lot of people one can still feel alone.. that's me sometimes.

While people can smile, they're afraid to say anything..

for the last few days there is a terrible ice storm here, there have been some 500 + accidents in and around here. Consequently, I have been house bound, hesitant to step outside.. it has rained, freezing rain and snow all in the last 24 hours.. may have some flooding tomorrow.. and it's April 15th.. anyway sitting inside for two doors does not suit me.. I miss my Mark more than ever... we were a team.. while I know I will never find another husband like him.. it is difficult to imagine that we as widows/ widowers are now set out on this mission to find peace amidst all the busyness of life.

it's a challenge one day at a time. I tell myself to try not to look back because I can't look forward if I keep looking back.

Didn't get to Mass today, watched on TV... God will understand, he doesn't give up on us.

Take care and wishing only the best for all,


by StanToronto on Sun Apr 15, 2018 09:27 PM

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EL says >> for the last few days there is a terrible ice storm here . . . Didn't get to Mass today, watched on TV... God will understand . . "

You must life near me. God has given us the wisdom to stay home with weather conditions like this. Last year, I enjoyed Christmas in the hospital as part of a three week visit, and a further five weeks confined to a wheelchaire after slipping on my laneway. This year, I don't even venture outside the house unless I can see bare pavement.

EL >>  "I tell myself to try not to look back because I can't look forward if I keep looking back."

I've heard people say this, but it is not for me. I have had a wonderful life! And after spending 75 years of accumulating all of those beautiful memories, along with over 15,000 photos, I am not about to just summarily toss them away. I thank God everyday for that life, and especially for my wife, children and grandchildren, along with everything else He has given me. So I intend to treasure those memories, each and every day.

As for not "moving forward" I continue to embrace the the concept that I shared with Stephen a few weeks ago:

I thought it was the sad time
 That followed the death of someone you love.
 And you had to push through it
 To get to the other side.
 But I'm learning there is no other side.
 There is no pushing through.
 But rather,
 There is absorption.
And grief is not something you complete,
 But rather, you endure.
 Grief is not a task to finish
 And move on,
 But an element of yourself-
 An alteration of your being." -Gwen Flowers 

Instead of moving on, I am really working on ajdusting to the new me, and my relationship with my family. I have a most wonderful close relationship with my family, but sometimes I just don't want to be around people. And even when I am with my family, I sometimes have that 'feeling of loneliness'. There is always something missing that makes the event incomplete, because part of the joy of life was always having that special person at my side to share it with.

I am just coming up to three years, and the challenge the day tends to be overcoming the fear of the tasks ahead . . all alone with no one to help if i get into trouble.

- Stan


by StanToronto on Mon Apr 16, 2018 04:20 AM

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With a lot of family events coming up, I am going to give Stephen's advice my best effort, and try to be a grandma to my grandkids. I believe it is a good idea, and I know my grandkids would like that.



by PunkyD on Mon Apr 16, 2018 06:00 AM

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Dear Stan, Stephen, Marie, and Eternalife,

I hope you are all doing well.  With the holiday season upon us, I'm sure it may be difficult for all of you. This week marks one year since my Father in law passed away, after having lived with us for almost 2 years with prostate cancer and dementia. Lots of intense memories there, mostly difficult but some good ones as well. My husband is planning a memorial this weekend, so we'll be seeing lots of relatives on his side. On my side of the family, this week marks the first grandchild (out of 11) to get engaged, and there will be a big party with the entire family on both sides. That is life, the good with the bad, life and death. In any case, it's with family, so I am grateful for that. 

Here's to family and children. Enjoy the best you can.



by eternalife on Tue Apr 17, 2018 12:52 AM

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It will be five years for me and I know what you are saying when you  have to do it all alone.

I listened last night to the freezing rain outside and then looked out my window to see it had frozen on the window. Who would have thought that April 16th would be like this.

I was worried when I had promised to teach today.. but when I awoke was elated when all classes had been cancelled. It didn't change the fact I couldn't get out of my driveway. I texted my guy who had done my snow removal, he was giving me a line that the ice would be a problem for his plow.. I thought oh boy.. if Mark was here I wouldn't be in such a pickle. I bucked up and went outside to pick away at the sugar coated snow and ice. I decided to clear the catch basins and as I was doing that, my snow guy came by.. I truly felt that my prayers had been answered. As the bottom of my drive was covered with icy snow from the snowplows making the wind row ... The snow at the bottom must have been 2 feet high.. grrr... Louie the snow guy did his job , almost had his truck stuck in my drive, but I am grateful to be no longer being held indoors because of this nasty snow storm...

I will get out to skate or play cards tomorrow haven't decided.

I can only say one thing.. everyone tells me this.. keep doing things and when the walls seem to close in for you go out.

That's a good plan for now.. getting older is not thrilling as with that may come ill health.. saw enough of that with Mark.. for now one day at a time.

I started a Saturday Night Widows group.. will attend a dinner for that this week. We laugh , we cry and we share what we know... strength in numbers.. women are good at doing that.. that's what keeps us strong and able to weather widowhood better than most men... get involved, joun groups, stay connected.. otherwise you get the stinking thinking....

Take care, Best


by smyrnalover on Fri Apr 20, 2018 06:14 PM

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I’ve been a member of this club for only three months. I keep waiting for things to get better. My three girls have been wonderful, and I am rotating through visits to their houses and seeing my grandchildren. Like many of you, I was raised as a Christian, but I no longer believe the likelihood of being reunited with the love of my life. It pains me that I was not able to reassure my dying (and believing) wife that I planned to see her again. I am still angry that I, the one with heart failure, had to say goodbye to a woman who always took care of herself and who was going to be there to take care of me. I keep trying to find solace in the memories of our fifty imperfect but wonderful years together. I am selfish in having wanted to go first. But here I am, trying to move forward but still missing the best thing that ever happened to me.


by StanToronto on Fri Apr 20, 2018 11:42 PM

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smyrnalover, I remember when this was all new to me. I read a number of books, but the one that was most helpful and most informative was a book by John Burke, which he interviews 120 people who had died and were then revived. 

John Burke has also placed his series of 6 videos which include interviews with those who had a NDE (near death experience), who they met there and what they saw there. I posted the internet URL addresses in this forum under the post heading Imagine Heaven. Be sure to go to page 2 of that posing for the most recent internet addresses for this series.

I have now watched this series 7 times, and find them a great comfort.

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