I survived. Then I cheated.

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ChrisSurvived ChrisSurvived
(Inactive)

I survived. Then I cheated.

by ChrisSurvived on Wed Jun 20, 2018 07:39 PM

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Hey everyone,

I apologize in advance for the length of this post. I've read similar stories here but every situation is unique. If you believe you can add value, or constructive advice I would really appreciate it. I wonder to myself if it's advice that I'm after? Perhaps I just need to vent. 

Coles notes: I'm a young guy, early 30's. Got diagnosed in 2013 with the cancer supposedly being "98%" curable. Spoiler alert: It came back a year later. Began chemo and I was told it was gone again. A few months later it returned where I underwent chemo again and then radiation. It worked but the cancer metastasized again, this time to my liver. I then underwent a double stem cell transplant. After 3 1/2 years of hell, it was over, the cancer was gone and the chance of it reoccuring is almost 0%. The physical battle was over. The mental battle was about to begin. 

I work in entertainment so after I was discharged from hospital with a clean bill of health, I was asked (and continue to get asked) to speak publickly about my journey. At first it was easy but as time went on it became more difficult. I was sharing a story to others but it was almost as if it was someone elses story. It was as if this didn't happen to me at all. It felt forced and uncomfortable to continue. I stopped with the speaking engagements. As the days went by, I started to struggle internally with questions that didn't have answers. They're questions that we can all relate to: Why am I here? What's my purpose? Is this it? These questions, while relatable to everyone, are often more pertinent to a cancer survivor who's come back from the brink of death. These questions began to consume me but I kept it to myself. 

Let me now introduce you to my wife. We've been together for 10 years and married for 3 (got hitched shortly before first round of chemo began). My wife is truly an incredible woman. I'm reminded of this every day by not just her actions, but by everyone around me. She stood by my side at every point during treatment, she's been my rock and I'm not sure I would have made it through without her. Despite this, I betrayed her. 

As with many affairs, I never intended for it to happen. I wasn't on any dating websites, I wasn't flirting with women, I had no previous history of infidelity. Yet it happened all the same. Before the affair, I was very depressed. Despite all the positivity in my life, despite everything I had to be grateful for, I was depressed. Those existential questions mentioned earlier began to consume me, and I found myself wanting more. More out of my job, my friends, my wife, my life. No matter what changes I made, I was never satisfied. Until I met Elizabeth. 

She filled all the voids. She gave me purpose. She brought me back to life. My life was filled with a joy I'd never known and it's been like that for almost a year now. All the literature I've read on affairs has indicated to me that most people feel this way. The desire consumes them. I'm not special, these feelings are par for the course, but I can't rid myself of them. 

When the affair began, I told my wife. Instead of throwing me out, she tried to save our marriage. We went to counselling, I went to social workers and Psychiatrists, but none of worked. I eventually moved out for 6 months and long story short, my wife and I made the decision to try and work things out again, begin our "second marriage". I moved back in and told Elizabeth that I owe it to my wife to give our marriage another shot so that's where I'm at right now. 

I'm trying, but it's not working. It's been 2 months since I've moved home and the same emotions the same depression I felt before is beginning to consume me once again. 

Some points I forgot to mention:

1) Elizabeth did not know I was married when we met. When she found out, we were both already pretty enamoured with each other. 

2) There's a 4 year age gap between my wife and I and a 10 year gap with Elizabeth (if this matters)

3) Both my wife and Elizabeth are extremely succesful career wise. I definetely have "a type"

4) Elizabeth does not live in the same city as we do. She's about 5 hours away by car so a relationship with her would be a long distance one to begin. 

The thought of leaving my wife breaks my heart because I do love her, but am not in love with her. Or am I? How do you know? I knew once but have lost myself. The affair with Elizabeth has been going on for 10 months, which seems like sufficient time to tell my feelings are more than just lust. 

I'm not re-reading this so it may seem scattered. Apologies if that's the case. Obviously I've skipped many details so if you would me to fill in the blanks I will do my best. 

Thanks for your time. I hope you're all doing well. If you're sick, keep your head up and be positive, your attitude will make a difference. 

Chris

RE: I survived. Then I cheated.

by Saikiran on Wed Feb 27, 2019 02:48 AM

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I need your help pls give your contact information like Facebook whatspp Instagram details to contact you please

RE: I survived. Then I cheated.

by PaulCooked on Wed May 15, 2019 05:01 PM

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Dude, what a story. I hope it felt better just to get it out there. I hope things are better for you now. 

We are the same right up until the affair. Entertainment, same cancer-ish, same type of woman.

You have helped me Chris. Thank you.

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