YOU MAKE ME HAVE TO RESPOND AGAIN

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YOU MAKE ME HAVE TO RESPOND AGAIN

by StephenS on Sun Mar 24, 2019 04:55 PM

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Dear Stan and everyone else out there who has lost so deeply everything that made the world smile and tomorrow hold promises in otherwords a spouse. After four and one half years I met a lady, only 69 years old, who had lost her mate too and in the past six months we have gone from emails to dinners out to my telling her I love her. That was unimaginable just a year ago. I had been unwilling to move on. I wanted to stay in the past. I wanted to live my today's remembering my yesterdays. But it was so hard to go forward when I kept looking back. And then it happened. I joined Silver Singles a dating site for those over fifty and after five weeks I meet Diana. Life is better when you look forward to your tomorrows instead of looking back at your yesterdays is what I wanted to tell all of you. She will not replace Kathy and I will not replace Philip but that is not what we are trying to do.  What we are doing is building tomorrows. Love all of you and may God Bless you.

RE: YOU MAKE ME HAVE TO RESPOND AGAIN

by PunkyD on Mon Mar 25, 2019 06:41 AM

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Dear Stephen,

What an amazing message. I am so happy for you. So glad that you shared this. My Dad remarried after my Mom passed away (almost 6 years ago). My parents were married for 52 years, but he has found love and companionship again. Of course she can never replace my Mom, and that's the way it should be. There is no reason for my Dad to have remained alone, and we are all so happy for him and like his new wife very much. 

I wish you both much happiness with many beautiful new tomorrows. 

Punky

RE: YOU MAKE ME HAVE TO RESPOND AGAIN

by StanToronto on Tue Mar 26, 2019 02:04 PM

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Stephen, From what I have seen on bereavement forums, your way of dealing with loss of a spouse is rare. I suppose I am amongst the majority who have no desire to engage in a new relationship, or remarry. I am just coming up to my 4th year alone. Some say 'time heals', but is hasn't for me, and I continue to struggle adjusting to my new life.

I think it is great that you have the resilience to make a new life for yourself and someone else. The main reason I couldn't do that, is that I have never felt unmarried, and that to even think of a new relationship would be cheating. :-( In addition to that, I am too old to work on a new relationship. I am 77 years old, and establishing a new relationship or marriage takes a lot of work, and more energy than I have left. I would probably be more of a burden than a help to a new partner. I haven't been able find anything in life that interests me, so it isn't much fun being around me. I have not handled the transition very well. 

RE: YOU MAKE ME HAVE TO RESPOND AGAIN

by stevew7000 on Tue Mar 26, 2019 07:03 PM

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Then Stephen should elaborate on the part where he says " And then it happened. ".

RE: YOU MAKE ME HAVE TO RESPOND AGAIN

by PunkyD on Wed Mar 27, 2019 08:20 AM

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On Mar 26, 2019 2:04 PM StanToronto wrote:

Stephen, From what I have seen on bereavement forums, your way of dealing with loss of a spouse is rare. I suppose I am amongst the majority who have no desire to engage in a new relationship, or remarry. I am just coming up to my 4th year alone. Some say 'time heals', but is hasn't for me, and I continue to struggle adjusting to my new life.

I think it is great that you have the resilience to make a new life for yourself and someone else. The main reason I couldn't do that, is that I have never felt unmarried, and that to even think of a new relationship would be cheating. :-( In addition to that, I am too old to work on a new relationship. I am 77 years old, and establishing a new relationship or marriage takes a lot of work, and more energy than I have left. I would probably be more of a burden than a help to a new partner. I haven't been able find anything in life that interests me, so it isn't much fun being around me. I have not handled the transition very well. 

Dear Stan,

Please allow me to say a few words to you:  I am not sure whether your method of coping or Stephen's is more common or rare, but both definitely exist. Don't berate yourself for it; you can't help the way you feel. Everyone is different, and everyone needs different things at a different pace. But for your sake.........please have an open mind. I'm trying to help. 

You say: "The main reason I couldn't do that, is that I have never felt unmarried, and that to even think of a new relationship would be cheating. :-( ". I don't mean to get personal, but did you and your wife ever discuss you having other relationships or remarrying after she passed?  I know that my parents had that conversation, and my Dad had my Mom's blessing before she passed.  I think that helped. And even if you didn't have that conversation, please know that no one should have to stay alone because of guilt. I'm sure your wife wouldn't want you to suffer and be lonely. She would want you to be happy and go on with your life. No one can replace your wife nor is anyone trying to. 

You also say: "In addition to that, I am too old to work on a new relationship. I am 77 years old, and establishing a new relationship or marriage takes a lot of work, and more energy than I have left. I would probably be more of a burden than a help to a new partner. I haven't been able find anything in life that interests me, so it isn't much fun being around me."  I just want to share with you that when my Mom passed, my Dad said THE EXACT SAME THING!!!! And he was truly miserable. My Dad was 74 when my Mom passed and now he has just turned 80. My sisters and I made it our mission to encourage my Dad to get out there and start dating again. We even helped with matchmaking - we just waited for my Dad to be "ready". It was really hard for him, he was depressed, tired, and did not want to start all over again. But being alone was really not an option. He would call each of us everyday to moan and groan about his situation-how life is too hard, how he has no one to talk to, he is not interested in anything anymore blah, blah blah. These conversations were so hard, and so stressful, and we had no real way of consoling him. I don't know what it feels like to lose a beloved spouse (I only know what it feels like to lose a beloved mother :(), but hard or not hard, life goes on!!

My Dad is so grateful to have such a loving and supportive family.  One of my sisters lives a block away from my Dad, and my other sister and I live next to each other. I don't know what kind of support system you have. But maybe you just need to hear someone tell you that it's OK. You are not cheating on your wife by looking for new companionship! You deserve to be happy! I know it's hard, but YOU CAN DO IT! Life is SO MUCH better when your'e not going it alone.

I know that there are some people set on not "betraying" their deceased spouse, or have come to terms with the fact that they will never have another love in their life (and I respect those people). I just hope you are not one of them. Since you "have not handled the transition very well", I truly hope that you listen to my words and keep an open mind to all of the possibilities out there. 

Sincerely,

Punky

RE: YOU MAKE ME HAVE TO RESPOND AGAIN

by StanToronto on Wed Mar 27, 2019 09:34 PM

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Punky, When you refer to my "method of coping", I am not really coping, I am merely enduring. It's a lot like accounts I hear of cancer treatment. I know a doctor who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer at the same time as my wife. My wife 'lived' for 10 months. The doctor who lasted 40 months, availed herself of state of the art treament, with multiple surgeries, radiation and chemo. But the doctor didn't 'live' 40 months. For the most part she merely 'survived' 40 months. I am now enduring survival mode, because that is all there is left for me.

PD>> "did you and your wife ever discuss you having other relationships or remarrying after she passed?"

No, we didn't need to discuss it. After 50 years of sharing our thoughts we know each other well enough, that we already knew the answer. After my mother died, my father came to our home after the funeral. . . and never left!

So . . rule #1, and perhaps the only rule we ever had was: "Don't be a burden to the kids".

30 years ago, after my father moved in, in addition to a couple of kids who never left home until they were 28, we had no option but to buy a new home. So we ended up with spacious 10 room home with two dining rooms, which was well suited to our family lifestyle, accomodating frequent family celebrations of up to 50 people. Wandering around a large home like this, people ask if I have any plans to downside. I will never downsize. While I bought a house, but my wife transformed it into a home, and as I walk through my home, I see her touch in every room. After four years, I have left everything of hers, just the way it was the day she died.

During our final months, my wife never expressed any concern about dying. The only singular concern she ever expressed was being separated from me. For the most part, we lived quite a normal life, and she was painfree right up to the end. Then came the morning when something was revealed to her, and I believe it was from above, and God had told her it was time to say goodbye. She came me in a manner I have never before witnessed. She put her arms around me for the very last time, shaking and weeping uncontrollably, she said:

      "This is not fair! God is going to take me away without you!"

A few hours later, before she ever saw another sunrise, she had gone to her eternal home. A few days later, as I was going through her papers, a found a card she had left for me:

I love you

FOREVER!

signed

xoxoxo  

So when you asked if my wife and I ever discussed things like this, the answer is NO! But we always communicated! Our view of marriage, was always from an eternal perspective, and 'who God has joined together, is for eternity. God joined us together for 50 years, for which I thank Him every day. Do I know what happens between husband and wife when we are reunited in Heaven? Nope! But I love her enough that no matter what, I am not going to take any chances on contaminating such a precious relationship by messing around with a substitute. I need no substitude. She is enough to sustain me for the remainder of my life.

I hear about near-death-experiences where people meet their family intact. If that is even a remote possibility, I would never do anything to interfere with my vision of the future.

>>"I know that there are some people set on not "betraying" their deceased spouse, or have come to terms with the fact that they will never have another love in their life (and I respect those people). I just hope you are not one of them."

I am pleased to disappoint you, but I am indeed one of them! :-) My love for my spouse is enough to sustain me for all of eternity. There is absolutly no one out there that could come even close to the wondrous gift God has given to me for fifty years of my life, and I look forward to many more years together with her in eternity.

Just another perspective, but one that works for me.

Stan  

RE: YOU MAKE ME HAVE TO RESPOND AGAIN

by PunkyD on Sun Mar 31, 2019 08:11 AM

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On Mar 27, 2019 9:34 PM StanToronto wrote:

Punky, When you refer to my "method of coping", I am not really coping, I am merely enduring. It's a lot like accounts I hear of cancer treatment. I know a doctor who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer at the same time as my wife. My wife 'lived' for 10 months. The doctor who lasted 40 months, availed herself of state of the art treament, with multiple surgeries, radiation and chemo. But the doctor didn't 'live' 40 months. For the most part she merely 'survived' 40 months. I am now enduring survival mode, because that is all there is left for me.

PD>> "did you and your wife ever discuss you having other relationships or remarrying after she passed?"

No, we didn't need to discuss it. After 50 years of sharing our thoughts we know each other well enough, that we already knew the answer. After my mother died, my father came to our home after the funeral. . . and never left!

So . . rule #1, and perhaps the only rule we ever had was: "Don't be a burden to the kids".

30 years ago, after my father moved in, in addition to a couple of kids who never left home until they were 28, we had no option but to buy a new home. So we ended up with spacious 10 room home with two dining rooms, which was well suited to our family lifestyle, accomodating frequent family celebrations of up to 50 people. Wandering around a large home like this, people ask if I have any plans to downside. I will never downsize. While I bought a house, but my wife transformed it into a home, and as I walk through my home, I see her touch in every room. After four years, I have left everything of hers, just the way it was the day she died.

During our final months, my wife never expressed any concern about dying. The only singular concern she ever expressed was being separated from me. For the most part, we lived quite a normal life, and she was painfree right up to the end. Then came the morning when something was revealed to her, and I believe it was from above, and God had told her it was time to say goodbye. She came me in a manner I have never before witnessed. She put her arms around me for the very last time, shaking and weeping uncontrollably, she said:

      "This is not fair! God is going to take me away without you!"

A few hours later, before she ever saw another sunrise, she had gone to her eternal home. A few days later, as I was going through her papers, a found a card she had left for me:

I love you

FOREVER!

signed

xoxoxo  

So when you asked if my wife and I ever discussed things like this, the answer is NO! But we always communicated! Our view of marriage, was always from an eternal perspective, and 'who God has joined together, is for eternity. God joined us together for 50 years, for which I thank Him every day. Do I know what happens between husband and wife when we are reunited in Heaven? Nope! But I love her enough that no matter what, I am not going to take any chances on contaminating such a precious relationship by messing around with a substitute. I need no substitude. She is enough to sustain me for the remainder of my life.

I hear about near-death-experiences where people meet their family intact. If that is even a remote possibility, I would never do anything to interfere with my vision of the future.

>>"I know that there are some people set on not "betraying" their deceased spouse, or have come to terms with the fact that they will never have another love in their life (and I respect those people). I just hope you are not one of them."

I am pleased to disappoint you, but I am indeed one of them! :-) My love for my spouse is enough to sustain me for all of eternity. There is absolutly no one out there that could come even close to the wondrous gift God has given to me for fifty years of my life, and I look forward to many more years together with her in eternity.

Just another perspective, but one that works for me.

Stan  

Dear Stan,

Thanks for sharing your touching story of you and your wife. I know that there are many out there that can relate to you. 

Ok, I get it. If this is what "works for you", then I will stop trying to convince you. :) At least I tried - I was only trying to help. 

Maybe my encouragement can help someone else who didn't have the special relationship that you had, and can find love once again. 

I wish you only good health and happiness.

Sincerely,

Punky

RE: YOU MAKE ME HAVE TO RESPOND AGAIN

by StanToronto on Sun Mar 31, 2019 03:54 PM

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Punky, 

If you think that at 77 years of age, I am looking for some kind of conjugal relationship, that just means that you don't yet know what it is like to be that old. :-) That kind of relationship is not anywhere on my to-do list. You mention finding love once again, but I don't need to find love again. I am already blessed with more love than I can handle. I have a very close loving family: Two sons who married two sisters who are like daughters to me, and their parents are my best friends. Add to that four grandchildren ranging up to mid teens, and I have more love than I can handle. As might be expected, with a family like that, I don't have the time nor the need to explore any kind of friendships outside of the family. I can't imagine having the energy to take on another friend.

I don't want to discourage you from trying to help. I have really enjoyed your postings over the years. I tend to engage online with widowers who are dealing with similar challenges. We tend to understand one another, and I try to do my bit in helping others who are struggling with certain issues. Like just yesterday I received comments from a couple of widows that found my experience helpful. One said "What an inspiring legacy. She was lucky to have a man as wise as you. She also sounds like she was a wonderful woman. You worded that in a way that made me feel better and I thank you for that wisdom. God bless you." And another said "Thank u so much for those inspiring words!" So I have found a place where I fit in, and makes me feel at least somewhat useful.

I appreciate your input, and like you said, that although it might not work for me, it may be useful to others. Keep up the good work. 

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