Pancreatic and Liver Cancer

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Pancreatic and Liver Cancer

by LorraineTye on Fri Apr 26, 2019 04:21 PM

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Hi All,

I am sole carer of my Mum who has cancer, which is non operable and my mum has decided not to have chemotherapy. She has made informed choices, visiting the professionals and has the hospice involved. 

My Mum was diagnosed in October 2018. It has been tough as my Dad died in March 2018 and they had been married for about 47 years.

I have been prompted to write this post as I guess I am curious to have some guidance from those people who have supported their loved ones through this.

I live in the road parallel to her and knocked on her door on the way home tonight after finishing school (about 4pm). Mum was is bed and wanted to carry on sleeping. Her appetitie is low and she has very itchy skin.

Mum does see a pyschic healer. I study my Mum very carefully when she goes there. She looks depleted/defeated when we arrive but always looks better afterwards and comments on her amazing experience.

Mum is always focused on the quality of life, not the quantity. She has made some very brave choices and I admire her for those.

I know that I am going to miss her terribly and have been told that I am experiencing anticpatory grief.

As my Mum loses more weight, sleeps more and her energy levels seem so much less, I wanted to know if others could share their expereinces, perhaps with a particular emphasis on how to support someone whilst they are transitioning from this life to the realm of the invisble?

I have read Silver Birch (Medium through Maurice Barbanell - I think). This has helped.

Has anybody got some particular ideas or suggestions that could help me and my Mum do the best we can for each other during this time?

With Kindest Regards,

Lorraine

RE: Pancreatic and Liver Cancer

by PunkyD on Sun Apr 28, 2019 10:08 AM

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Dear Lorraine,

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your father and your mother's diagnosis. This is a lot to handle all on your own. I was a caregiver to my Mom, but I was not alone. My Dad and 3 sisters all helped. We took turns. My Mom passed away from pancreatic cancer 6 years ago. She was 74 and she and my Dad were married for 52 years.  She died on her birthday, which was also her anniversary. Pretty crazy, huh? 

It is good that your mom is clear thinking, and involved in important decisions in her life. I also went through anticipatory grief (My Mom was ill for 4 years on and off). I think that this is "easier" than someone passing suddenly, as you have time to prepare, think, talk, plan. Even though, when it actually happens, it's still a shock that it's actually over and that she is actually gone. 

My Mom was bedridden for her last 2-3 weeks. During this time, we had home hospice, and we tried to keep her comfortable and out of pain. 

As for suggestions to help you and your Mom..........I think that would depend a lot on your Mom's openness and willingness to discuss the inevitable. My Mother was either in denial, or didn't want to upset us, so we just sat with her, took care of her, talked to her, but we didn't talk about the end. This was hard for me.........so if you can talk freely with her, say to her whatever you need to say while you can. We brought the grandkids over a week before she passed, they sang to her, and she was happy to see them. Any important info you may need from her to make logistics easier afterwards could be helpful (such as bank issues, funeral arrangements that she may want etc.). 

Basically, just be with her, listen to what she wants, cherish every moment. My Mom passed peacefully, as she became weaker and weaker, sleeping more and more, and eating less and less, until she finally just took her last breath, and that was it - and I am thankful for that. 

I hope this is helpful in some way, and I wish you much strength during this difficult time. 

Punky

RE: Pancreatic and Liver Cancer

by LorraineTye on Mon Apr 29, 2019 05:35 PM

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On Apr 28, 2019 10:08 AM PunkyD wrote:

Dear Lorraine,

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your father and your mother's diagnosis. This is a lot to handle all on your own. I was a caregiver to my Mom, but I was not alone. My Dad and 3 sisters all helped. We took turns. My Mom passed away from pancreatic cancer 6 years ago. She was 74 and she and my Dad were married for 52 years.  She died on her birthday, which was also her anniversary. Pretty crazy, huh? 

It is good that your mom is clear thinking, and involved in important decisions in her life. I also went through anticipatory grief (My Mom was ill for 4 years on and off). I think that this is "easier" than someone passing suddenly, as you have time to prepare, think, talk, plan. Even though, when it actually happens, it's still a shock that it's actually over and that she is actually gone. 

My Mom was bedridden for her last 2-3 weeks. During this time, we had home hospice, and we tried to keep her comfortable and out of pain. 

As for suggestions to help you and your Mom..........I think that would depend a lot on your Mom's openness and willingness to discuss the inevitable. My Mother was either in denial, or didn't want to upset us, so we just sat with her, took care of her, talked to her, but we didn't talk about the end. This was hard for me.........so if you can talk freely with her, say to her whatever you need to say while you can. We brought the grandkids over a week before she passed, they sang to her, and she was happy to see them. Any important info you may need from her to make logistics easier afterwards could be helpful (such as bank issues, funeral arrangements that she may want etc.). 

Basically, just be with her, listen to what she wants, cherish every moment. My Mom passed peacefully, as she became weaker and weaker, sleeping more and more, and eating less and less, until she finally just took her last breath, and that was it - and I am thankful for that. 

I hope this is helpful in some way, and I wish you much strength during this difficult time. 

Punky

Hello,

Thank you so much for your incredibly detailed, thoughtful and helpful response. Many things connected with my current experience.

How amazing that your Mom was married for 52 years and then died on her birthday, which was also her wedding anniversary. Lots of sychronisity there which is too hard to ignore!

You spoke about my Mum's willingness to talk about the inevitable. On the one hand I think that she has made the decision to die as she has had enough. On the other hand I think she is scared of dying, especially with regards to how she will die. This is why I think she is seeing the psychic healer.

On balance I can see that this 'pollyanna' experience of receiving healing, and being ill at the same time is helping her with her transition from this world to the world of spirit. She certainly is benefitting from this experience. Before the healing she appears frail and defeated but afterwards much 'shinier' and positive afterwards. Also my Dad is coming through with personal messages which are a real comfort to her.

This Friday I am taking my Mum down to her flat in Eastbourne. She loves the sea and company.

Many Thanks again for taking the trouble to share your experience.

With Kindest Regards,

Lorraine

RE: Pancreatic and Liver Cancer

by longliveliver on Thu May 09, 2019 06:13 PM

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Hi, Lorraine,

Although it must be hard and sometimes frustrating to know how to help your mother during this difficult transition, you are doing an admirable job of taking care of her.

About itching, pain medications can cause itchiness, and there's no way around that.  I found that a product called Sarna helped, and you might try that.  On the other hand, moisturizers and lotions usually make my skin worse, and doing nothing actually seems to be best.  (Something about blocking the pores.) 

Bathing dries the skin and makes itching worse.  My allergist pointed out that I don't really get dirty and should stop bathing every day, so I have cut back to every other day, and sometimes sponge baths are all I need. 

Psychic healers are not so good if they persuade people to avoid conventional treatment, but it sounds as if your mother has worked out how much she wants to do in that regard.  If your mother feels that the psychic is providing a window into the afterlife, that seems comforting and helpful.  As long as the healer is not trying to exploit your mother or persuade her to do something that would be damaging to her, it seems like a blessing.

Remember to take care of yourself.  Get rest, grief counseling if you think it might help, and find activities that are not concerned with death and dying.  You are shepherding your mother through a transition in a way that it valuable for both of you.  When she is gone you will have the comfort of knowng that you did what you could to help her.

Shirley

RE: Pancreatic and Liver Cancer

by LorraineTye on Fri May 10, 2019 12:10 PM

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Hi,

Thankyou so much for taking the time to reply.

I am comforted by the fact that I am supporting my mum as best as I am able. Her health is deteriorating and now at another lower plateau,  although she is managing this as best as she is able.

Her cat 'Jazz' helped mum break the ice and facilitated her making friends with  the lions share of the neighbours.  She is lucky to have a supportive neighbourhood community.

You are right with your concerns about some psychic healers.  I find invasive psychic surgery quite scary!. Mum seems Brian Walsh who is a noninvasive psychic surgeon. Even I have had  experiences that have 'come out the blue ', giving me more peace.  I have noticed mum more at peace as well.

On another note,  St Christopher's Hospice based in Sydenham have been really helpful .  A social worker has visited us both, helping us to steer the best course of action . She is trying to help us heal  family rift; either way mum is left at peace knowing that she has  tried her best.

Wishing you all the very best.

With kindest regards

Lorraine 

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