Divorce and Breast Cancer

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Divorce and Breast Cancer

by Lisadiane on Sun Jul 08, 2007 12:00 AM

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Hi my name is Lisa I am 43 years old and I am new to the message board. Its not even been a year since I found out I had breast cancer, and now I find my self going threw a divorce, My husband can't deal with the cancer. After 10 years together when I need him the most he's not there. I know I can't be the only one going threw this. I really need the support of others that may be going threw the same thing or has been there and done that!! 

Thanks

RE: Divorce and Breast Cancer

by Rett1954 on Tue Jul 10, 2007 12:00 AM

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On 7/8/2007 Lisadiane wrote:

Hi my name is Lisa I am 43 years old and I am new to the message board. Its not even been a year since I found out I had breast cancer, and now I find my self going threw a divorce, My husband can't deal with the cancer. After 10 years together when I need him the most he's not there. I know I can't be the only one going threw this. I really need the support of others that may be going threw the same thing or has been there and done that!! 

Thanks


Hi Lisa,

My name is Loretta and I am 53 and my husband and I were seperated when I found out about my cancer , breast cancer as well and I went thru the lumpectomy and radiation and started chemo.  It was hard he was in another state and I didn't even have an address and when I spoke to him he said it was unfair to him.  I wanted a divorce but I am a christian and I had to get down on my knees and ask God what do I do ?  I went to church I went to work and I had wonderful sister friends to help me  and even cook for me.  I received a call one day from my husband asking me if he could come home I said yes because I knew that was what God had in store for me. 

I know it is not easy but if you are a praying person it is your husband who needs the help , Lisa you will be fine God has you and He loves you more than anyone else.  I pray that you will have the peace that you are needing because really when I was having all my treatments I was glad he was not there because I just needed to nuture myself at that time.

I'm still going thru possible reaccurance but whether he is there or not

God Is !

Rett 

 

 

 

RE: Divorce and Breast Cancer

by Lisadiane on Wed Jul 11, 2007 12:00 AM

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Hello Laretta, You are so right. I have started going back to church. I got down on my knees as well and thanked God for all the blessings in my life and gave the rest to him. The problem I have is I keep taking it back, I keep telling myself not to worry god will show me the way. I know he will I just need to keep praying, stay close to family and friends, and I will get threw this. Thanks so much for your responce it was just what I needed.

God Bless,

Lisa

 

RE: Divorce and Breast Cancer

by Win_The_Fight on Wed Jul 11, 2007 12:00 AM

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On 7/11/2007 Lisadiane wrote:

Hello Laretta, You are so right. I have started going back to church. I got down on my knees as well and thanked God for all the blessings in my life and gave the rest to him. The problem I have is I keep taking it back, I keep telling myself not to worry god will show me the way. I know he will I just need to keep praying, stay close to family and friends, and I will get threw this. Thanks so much for your responce it was just what I needed.

God Bless,

Lisa

 


 

Hi Lisa,

I am sorry to hear about what is happening in your life now, I  will put you in my prayers. I am to going thru the same situation, my husband blamed me for getting breast cancer and decided to cheat on me, I to am going to start my fourth breast cancer treatment alone again, I used to think I can't do this alone, but some kind of strength comes up inside you and you just do it, it's like god's way to show you how stronge you really are. I have my days and I am sure you do to, just remember you will get thru this with or without him, and if you need a friend I will be there for you. God knows we do need them.

RE: Divorce and Breast Cancer

by nanwin on Fri Jul 13, 2007 12:00 AM

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Hi Lisa, I feel for you for I too am in the same place, I am 50 and after 28 years my husband left after the breast  cancer. He stayed through it until 1 year he likes to tell everyone how he stayed by my side thru it but not many know he was never home during it all. He could not handle the attention for one thing that I was getting and it made him mad I was sick .I was diagnoisedi n 2005 and the one great thing I can say about all of this especially him leaving is I have been able to return to God and I do thank him for that and that has been my saving grace for this time. I will keep you in my prayers  be strong. I am a very positive person so if you need to vent or chat email me njwinfrey@yahoo.com   Nancy

RE: Divorce and Breast Cancer

by LindaMcme on Fri Jul 27, 2007 12:00 AM

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I am also. Write me privately to discuss it. I can't seem to figure out how to do so, don't want to discuss on forum. Thanks. Linda.

RE: Divorce and Breast Cancer

by Kaelynn on Tue Jul 31, 2007 12:00 AM

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Hi Lisa.  I am 41 and was diagnosed with breast cancer just over 1 year ago.  My husband almost left me a few months after the diagnosis.  He was very supportive the first month (very agitated but supportive).  After I decided to do chemotherapy first versus starting with the mastectomy, he basically washed his hands of me.  He worked full time on the other side of the U.S, while I went through the chemotherapy treatments alone with my sister and mother to assist me when needed.  I begged and pleaded for him to come home and it fell on deaf ears.  After three months of chemotherapy treatment, our marriage was heading towards a divorce.  I thank his mother, for convincing him to come home and support me during my last three months of chemo, surgery and most of my radiation.  He did so reluctantly.    Ironically, we had been together for 11 years and were very happy.   After 4 months in to the diagnosis, my husband could no longer remember any happy times and was ready for a divorce.   To this day, I don't know if he wasn't there for me due to him being scared of losing me or that he just couldn't cope with the diagnosis.   We are back together now.  His memory has changed too.  He remembers the good times now that we have had over the years.   Now, he doesn't remember not being there for me and instead remembers being there for me all the time during my treatments.    

    Unfortunately, I am no longer confident in the stability of our relationship as I was before.   I knew we were there for each other no matter what.  He could count on me and I could count on him.   Now, I take each day as a blessing, not knowing for sure if he will feel the same way tomorrow or the day after.

   I am sorry to hear that you are going through a divorce due to your cancer.  You are in my prayers..Marital counseling helped in my case a little bit.  Most of the help came from his mother, who he would still listen too......

RE: Divorce and Breast Cancer

by poem_writer on Mon Jan 12, 2009 12:00 AM

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On 7/8/2007 Lisadiane wrote:

Hi my name is Lisa I am 43 years old and I am new to the message board. Its not even been a year since I found out I had breast cancer, and now I find my self going threw a divorce, My husband can't deal with the cancer. After 10 years together when I need him the most he's not there. I know I can't be the only one going threw this. I really need the support of others that may be going threw the same thing or has been there and done that!! 

Thanks


I CAN handle breast cancer! I CAN handle THREE occurences of infidility from my wife (that I am aware of), and up until now, I WAS able to deal with her disrespect and accusations that I don't care about her! Everyone at her chuch, her work, and in her personal life really LOVES HER!! All the while, she has treated me with great disrespect and lack of care and encouragement "behind closed doors" for nearly 23 years...Self pride is her greatest enemy and I cannot help her!!

My wife and I have been married for nearly 23 years. When I met her, she had a son from a privious drug-related relationship that was an infant and I took him as my son and have raised him and our other three children with love, respect, stability, and great dignity. My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer about nine months ago. right away, I closed my own world off (more than usual) and put my attention toward her and the disease. During her first surgery(lumpectomy), I provided flowers, stuffed animals, cards, and stayed right by her side for 48 hours straight without any sleep or self-care. Her nurses seldomly came into our room as I did all of their work in order to be as loving and helpful as I possibly could be. I did the same thing at her less invaisive, 2nd surgery. We have 3 of our four children, ages 23, 18, and 17 in our home for the time being. I am the only one that works outside of the home and I am responsible for 100% of the bills, insurances, finances, land upkeep ( 7 acres), vehicle upkeep, and for trying to sell a 2nd home which is facing foreclosure due to loss of income and and added expenses from cancer and such. Also, I am a disabled veteran. It would take me far too long to actually list everything here!

My wife accuses me of not caring and will not talk to me or give love, care, or affection. I don't mind all of the above except she and her close friends and some family, are convinced that I am an uncaring jerk! Truth is, someone has to maintain the employment and pay the bills. I have made it to many of her routine doctor appointments and a great deal of tests. All to a point that my sick leave ballance was far in the negative. All of her nurses and doctors know me. 

I am tired all of the time now! Her disrespect and accusations of lack of care have me STRONGLY considering divorce! Not an abrupt one, but one nonetheless.  

Key features to consider:

-Has never showed appreation for me having taken her son as my own.

-Had affairs with my friend, a co-worker, and her son's father.

-Before and during cancer has always filled her life with church, church friends, and everything else but me. When I have sincerely asked her to concentrate on our relationship, she tells me I am being self-centered. Huh?

-Tried marriage counceling about five times and she is successful at getting the pastor or councelor to concentrate on me, while she escapes any accountability for HER issues.

-She's never tried to encouraed me in our marriage and often plays the "devils advocate."

-For about 85% of our marriage, she gives conditional love and affection.

-I give massages, write poetry, bring flowers, clean around the house, and I listen...I am affectionate and attentive. I work hard, go to church with her and the family, and I make an honest, and reliable income that is above average.

-I haven't left her yet because I have always wanted to be up close to my kids. My dad was very distant and his children suffered intensly as a result.

 

Just wanting folks to see the husbands side to this disease and in need of support! Thank you!

RE: Divorce and Breast Cancer

by poem_writer on Mon Jan 12, 2009 12:00 AM

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On 1/12/2009 poem writer wrote:

 

On 7/8/2007 Lisadiane wrote:

Hi my name is Lisa I am 43 years old and I am new to the message board. Its not even been a year since I found out I had breast cancer, and now I find my self going threw a divorce, My husband can't deal with the cancer. After 10 years together when I need him the most he's not there. I know I can't be the only one going threw this. I really need the support of others that may be going threw the same thing or has been there and done that!! 

Thanks


I CAN handle breast cancer! I CAN handle THREE occurences of infidility from my wife (that I am aware of), and up until now, I WAS able to deal with her disrespect and accusations that I don't care about her! Everyone at her chuch, her work, and in her personal life really LOVES HER!! All the while, she has treated me with great disrespect and lack of care and encouragement "behind closed doors" for nearly 23 years...Self pride is her greatest enemy and I cannot help her!!

My wife and I have been married for nearly 23 years. When I met her, she had a son from a privious drug-related relationship that was an infant and I took him as my son and have raised him and our other three children with love, respect, stability, and great dignity. My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer about nine months ago. right away, I closed my own world off (more than usual) and put my attention toward her and the disease. During her first surgery(lumpectomy), I provided flowers, stuffed animals, cards, and stayed right by her side for 48 hours straight without any sleep or self-care. Her nurses seldomly came into our room as I did all of their work in order to be as loving and helpful as I possibly could be. I did the same thing at her less invaisive, 2nd surgery. We have 3 of our four children, ages 23, 18, and 17 in our home for the time being. I am the only one that works outside of the home and I am responsible for 100% of the bills, insurances, finances, land upkeep ( 7 acres), vehicle upkeep, and for trying to sell a 2nd home which is facing foreclosure due to loss of income and and added expenses from cancer and such. Also, I am a disabled veteran. It would take me far too long to actually list everything here!

My wife accuses me of not caring and will not talk to me or give love, care, or affection. I don't mind all of the above except she and her close friends and some family, are convinced that I am an uncaring jerk! Truth is, someone has to maintain the employment and pay the bills. I have made it to many of her routine doctor appointments and a great deal of tests. All to a point that my sick leave ballance was far in the negative. All of her nurses and doctors know me. 

I am tired all of the time now! Her disrespect and accusations of lack of care have me STRONGLY considering divorce! Not an abrupt one, but one nonetheless.  

Key features to consider:

-Has never showed appreation for me having taken her son as my own.

-Had affairs with my friend, a co-worker, and her son's father.

-Before and during cancer has always filled her life with church, church friends, and everything else but me. When I have sincerely asked her to concentrate on our relationship, she tells me I am being self-centered. Huh?

-Tried marriage counceling about five times and she is successful at getting the pastor or councelor to concentrate on me, while she escapes any accountability for HER issues.

-She's never tried to encouraed me in our marriage and often plays the "devils advocate."

-For about 85% of our marriage, she gives conditional love and affection.

-I give massages, write poetry, bring flowers, clean around the house, and I listen...I am affectionate and attentive. I work hard, go to church with her and the family, and I make an honest, and reliable income that is above average.

-I haven't left her yet because I have always wanted to be up close to my kids. My dad was very distant and his children suffered intensly as a result.

 

Just wanting folks to see the husbands side to this disease and in need of support! Thank you!

I forgot to add that I have listened in our home and I hear that she is energetic, playful, socially energizing, and connected until I get home. Then, she becomes sickly, lacking energy, far less communicative, and lacks ambition while I am around. All of my co-workers with the smae or similar cancer diagnosis have come back to work and are regaining their lives back. My wife goes to as many doctors appointments as possible and is "hyper-religious" and goes to church frequently and finds great energy for that whole thing...I am trying while this "relationship" is dying!!!

 

RE: Divorce and Breast Cancer

by husbandofbc on Sat Jan 31, 2009 12:00 AM

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Caregiver:

 I feel strongly for your experience. Assuming you have not had any affairs, this is unfair to you.  People usually fall into categories,  usually the ones with affairs would not be the kind to take others' children as their own.  I can feel your pain of going thu these sacrifices without getting a minum appreciation or recognition like a short and soft thank-you, a appreciative smile.  You feel even lonely when community is not siding with you. Because of her unfortune conditions, they would assume that is what you are supposed to do.  The most unbearable part is the disrespect and blame of "how come you did not do for me while I am cancer striken?" or "now you really wish I could die sooner!"

Those words can be heart breaking and humilating!! And few people in the supporting commnunity would imagine that. They assume that is the normal emotional reactions from a breast cancer patient. 

I observed from my own experience, from when I grew up to now, that many women who ended up with what they and their family labelled as "the Hunch of Notre Dame" often disrespect their husbands.  These women feel that life is unfair to them and their husbands naturally becomes a daily reminder of their not being able to marrying a more successful man in life. These husbands, then, become wifes' psychological disharge toilets.  And loving and sacrifing would not reverse that. 

To make things worse, a woman's family could either instill or support this psychology.  Most parents love their children.  After their children's marriage,  these love could easily turn into bias.  It is just human nature.  Some parents, family always feel what their children have done and sacrificed but only knows or sees( instead of feel) what their spouses have gone thru.  It is just too easy to make conventional conclusion on thier spouses like "uncaring jerk!".  Nobody would put that on their own children.  Have you seen any?

I just found myselfing overwriting before even touching the my relevance to this site.  My wife, too, was diagnosed with breast cancer.  It was in Jan 2009.  I had the unappreciation, blame and dispectst, too, like you underwent.  I am too the only bread maker in the family but my wife supported my tuition during my master's degreee. 

Our relationship is not a sunshing one for the 15 years of our marriage. I was thinking about divorce before the diagnosis. But now sudden came the diagnosis.  I decide to stay married rather than being an "uncaring jerk" since she is dependent on me for medical insuarnce.   I, too, got the blame that I picked the wrong insurance and I was criticized as not caring that much.  At work I am going thru the pressure to finish a project and I have to use work time to make appoints, change physicians, call for test results and accompany her to tests.  And when I talked back when she labelled me too stupid to find a good parking spot in front of Target, she threatened not to let me go with her for the next appointment.  She sighed constantly in front of me that she had been so unlucky all thru her life and never had been happy putting blame of unsuccessful marriage, of course, all on me.  When we in quarells, her mother questioned me why I shed tears on the night of diagnosis. She must have though I was being pretending.  Pretending for what? Blame from community/society, I admit, can be the last straw on the back. I feel that you and me are esssentially  different from those who walked from their wives shortly upon diagnois.  But hey, in the society, who cares about the difference between "uncaring jerks"?

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