My love has passed away 06/01/2012

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RE: My love has passed away 06/01/2012

by des12 on Sat Sep 08, 2012 12:23 AM

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I'm sitting here sobbing because I too lost the love of my life 5 weeks ago, Aug. 2. I can't tell you it will be ok, but the one thing I did was asked the Lord to prepare my heart. We have been together almost 40 yrs. 4 grown boys

Nine months ago they broke the news to us that he only had 3-6 mos. to live due to the doctor telling us he had gotten all the kidney cancer last July, 2011, only to find out 4 mos. leter he was actually stage IV and chemo doesn't work on recurrences.

If that isn't bad enogh my second oldest son went to the hospital every day along with the other boys and never told me once that he was going through many tests before coming up. The bottom line is they took his spleen and 1/3 of his pancreas day before yesterday. The surgeon swore he'd seen this many times and the pain and all indicated cancer. More prayers of course and I wasn't even sure I could last the horribly long surgery (8 hrs.).

So far the surgeon came down after 7 that night and told me and his wife who is expecting their second baby that it looks benign. So I've had this horrible burden to face since the day of the funeral.

What I want to say though is I asked God to prepare my heart as so many told me you have to let him go, when it came to my husband. I kept saying I'm not ready, I can't say that. The Winter came, X Mas was spent in the hospital as was the New Yr. Big deal !!

My heart is torn as the other half is really gone now. I barely clean and that's all I did in between chemo and radiation treatments and then go down cellar and cry. I made sure he was always comfortable with some kind of med, I was right there and ran, until I fell down the stairs and shattered my shoulder. He wound up getting out of his sick bed to pick me up off ther basement floor. And I told him he didn't have the strength, but he got me up anyway and I told him to call an ambulance as I was in such shock and pain.

We went through so much in that nine months and the Lord did prepare my heart to an extent. I got to the point of not wanting to watch any more suffering and actually felt relief as soon as it stopped.

Yes I'm broken hearted and no one does understand how I feel either. No amount of advice will change that. I don't want to go out either and when I think I can't cry anymore, the tears still stream down my face. Sometimes I don't even realize I'm crying.

We're waiting for Tues. for the final pathology report to tell us about my son. He also had kidney cancer almost 5 yrs. ago, so it was a double worry here.

I was sure we werwe going to be the few who have beaten this too, but it didn't happen. I've lost so much weight and most of my strength even though I try to go through the daily motions, I too finding that staying home is best for me. Maybe it isn't but everywhere I go reminds me of us.

We did everything together. That spunky lil hubby of mine even showed up at ER when I broke my shoulder. I couldn't believe he got in the car and came over.

I read and article on the internet about BHS, it's called Broken Heart syndrome by the docs. We are at high risk right now of illness ourselves. Try to take care of youselves the best you can. Great advice coming from me but I'm 63 and I could care less right now.

God Bless all of you,

Mary

RE: My love has passed away 06/01/2012

by Paminnewbury on Sat Sep 08, 2012 12:42 AM

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On Sep 08, 2012 12:23 AM des12 wrote:

I'm sitting here sobbing because I too lost the love of my life 5 weeks ago, Aug. 2. I can't tell you it will be ok, but the one thing I did was asked the Lord to prepare my heart. We have been together almost 40 yrs. 4 grown boys

Nine months ago they broke the news to us that he only had 3-6 mos. to live due to the doctor telling us he had gotten all the kidney cancer last July, 2011, only to find out 4 mos. leter he was actually stage IV and chemo doesn't work on recurrences.

If that isn't bad enogh my second oldest son went to the hospital every day along with the other boys and never told me once that he was going through many tests before coming up. The bottom line is they took his spleen and 1/3 of his pancreas day before yesterday. The surgeon swore he'd seen this many times and the pain and all indicated cancer. More prayers of course and I wasn't even sure I could last the horribly long surgery (8 hrs.).

So far the surgeon came down after 7 that night and told me and his wife who is expecting their second baby that it looks benign. So I've had this horrible burden to face since the day of the funeral.

What I want to say though is I asked God to prepare my heart as so many told me you have to let him go, when it came to my husband. I kept saying I'm not ready, I can't say that. The Winter came, X Mas was spent in the hospital as was the New Yr. Big deal !!

My heart is torn as the other half is really gone now. I barely clean and that's all I did in between chemo and radiation treatments and then go down cellar and cry. I made sure he was always comfortable with some kind of med, I was right there and ran, until I fell down the stairs and shattered my shoulder. He wound up getting out of his sick bed to pick me up off ther basement floor. And I told him he didn't have the strength, but he got me up anyway and I told him to call an ambulance as I was in such shock and pain.

We went through so much in that nine months and the Lord did prepare my heart to an extent. I got to the point of not wanting to watch any more suffering and actually felt relief as soon as it stopped.

Yes I'm broken hearted and no one does understand how I feel either. No amount of advice will change that. I don't want to go out either and when I think I can't cry anymore, the tears still stream down my face. Sometimes I don't even realize I'm crying.

We're waiting for Tues. for the final pathology report to tell us about my son. He also had kidney cancer almost 5 yrs. ago, so it was a double worry here.

I was sure we werwe going to be the few who have beaten this too, but it didn't happen. I've lost so much weight and most of my strength even though I try to go through the daily motions, I too finding that staying home is best for me. Maybe it isn't but everywhere I go reminds me of us.

We did everything together. That spunky lil hubby of mine even showed up at ER when I broke my shoulder. I couldn't believe he got in the car and came over.

I read and article on the internet about BHS, it's called Broken Heart syndrome by the docs. We are at high risk right now of illness ourselves. Try to take care of youselves the best you can. Great advice coming from me but I'm 63 and I could care less right now.

God Bless all of you,

Mary

My heart hurts for you I'm so sorry for you my tears and everyone else's could stop a drought I hurt so much My daughter is in labour another girl she wanted her dad to know before he died ' he was such a lovely man he said 'more bitches just whati need with a big smile on his handsome face the girls spoiled him and he loved it I miss him so much xxx I'm never going to get over this love of my life has left me I'm so angry at him

RE: My love has passed away 06/01/2012

by des12 on Sat Sep 08, 2012 01:03 AM

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All I can say is try to keep remembering those funny little things instead of all the other things that haunt us day and night. My husband was so good looking too, I used to have to beat girls off of him and as he got older it actually got worse. They like distinguished looking men.

I truly believe they have never really left us. I feel my husband all around me and I've had so many times only in the past 5 weeks that he has solved some problems. He was a real prankster too, the only time I laugh is if I think about the funny things he did and I went along with some. :) Well mostly all, as I'm sure you did.

I told my eye doctor to cancel my cataract surgery between my son and hubby I said I'm not done crying yet. I'll call you when I am. lol

He said I had washed out all the sugars and salts in my eyes. Think about this new baby, I know it's hard but our children should live a full life too. I'm praying my son who is cut from stem to stern will be ok when the results come Tues. the 10th I think it is.

RE: My love has passed away 06/01/2012

by psouthfla on Sat Sep 08, 2012 01:04 AM

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I'm sorry for all of us, I feel the anger also, the hurt and the pain this  may never end for me. I never thought I would break like this I know all the right words say to someone else, but I can't follow my own advice.  I should stop posting all together, I may be self serving if I am I'm sorry...

My daughter keeps telling me your so angry, your right I'm ticked off ,  mad,  I afraid I won't get over any of this. My only comfort is my bedroom. Away from everyone and anything.

RE: My love has passed away 06/01/2012

by Paminnewbury on Sat Sep 08, 2012 09:10 AM

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On Sep 08, 2012 1:04 AM psouthfla wrote:

I'm sorry for all of us, I feel the anger also, the hurt and the pain this  may never end for me. I never thought I would break like this I know all the right words say to someone else, but I can't follow my own advice.  I should stop posting all together, I may be self serving if I am I'm sorry...

My daughter keeps telling me your so angry, your right I'm ticked off ,  mad,  I afraid I won't get over any of this. My only comfort is my bedroom. Away from everyone and anything.

I have been told go at my own pace the first six weeks are traumatic and we want to hide and lick our wounds I can't go in our bedroom it's still covered in the clothes from the cruise we went on 'when he decided no more treatment he loved it I was terrified of something happening but he held on till we got back he died 8 days later and with all that has happened I had a hospital bed in the lounge and slept on the sofa 'to be near him I can't go in there his shaving bag is in there I cry all the time but it really catches my breath in that.room you are self serving but so am I we deserve to be just now I wish this wasn't true for us both I'm angry to but mostly sad so sad no baby yet only 2 cm x

RE: My love has passed away 06/01/2012

by psouthfla on Sat Sep 08, 2012 01:54 PM

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I feel so sad for you ,  it is so fresh for you, I can't go back to that first 4 wks of hell,  I just wanted to die.  Now I'm just so confused and wondering around like someone I don't even know, 

From I could do anything, to this weak nothing.  I'm living someone else's life, not mine.  But it has to stop one way or the other, and soon, no one could live this life.  Or would want to.  I will have to get it together sooner or later, what are we to do just keep going on like this? 

The new baby should bring some joy to your life, they always say  for every death a new life shall be born.  Well maybe this can ease the pain for a second or minute, it is a new life and she will bring you joy. 

I always knew we are what we think,  and my thinking has been pretty awful lately,  no wonder I feel like this,  I have to try and make some kind of difference in my life,  In the AM I will try to go to Church, but I 'm still mad at God also. silly isn't it?  What the heck I ticked off at everyone, very selfish of me once again.  To include one more thing, I don't like this person I have become.   I cleaned out some of his clothes , still have alot left.  Shoes all the stuff, just so much stuff.  Cleaned under his sink, kept all his shaving stuff stacked neatly in the back, I could not throw it away. It just looks so orderly,  he never was, it looked like a jumbled mess under his sink.  I used to laugh, and say what a mess. He say don't worry I know where everything is.  In fact this place is to clean, looks like no one lives here,  they don't , just me in a bedroom of saddness.  Some days I just want to sell and relocate to a small town and just start over again, just to get away from here.  I may just do that, well another weekend of nothingness.

 

RE: My love has passed away 06/01/2012

by Paminnewbury on Sat Sep 08, 2012 08:13 PM

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On Sep 08, 2012 1:54 PM psouthfla wrote:

I feel so sad for you ,  it is so fresh for you, I can't go back to that first 4 wks of hell,  I just wanted to die.  Now I'm just so confused and wondering around like someone I don't even know, 

From I could do anything, to this weak nothing.  I'm living someone else's life, not mine.  But it has to stop one way or the other, and soon, no one could live this life.  Or would want to.  I will have to get it together sooner or later, what are we to do just keep going on like this? 

The new baby should bring some joy to your life, they always say  for every death a new life shall be born.  Well maybe this can ease the pain for a second or minute, it is a new life and she will bring you joy. 

I always knew we are what we think,  and my thinking has been pretty awful lately,  no wonder I feel like this,  I have to try and make some kind of difference in my life,  In the AM I will try to go to Church, but I 'm still mad at God also. silly isn't it?  What the heck I ticked off at everyone, very selfish of me once again.  To include one more thing, I don't like this person I have become.   I cleaned out some of his clothes , still have alot left.  Shoes all the stuff, just so much stuff.  Cleaned under his sink, kept all his shaving stuff stacked neatly in the back, I could not throw it away. It just looks so orderly,  he never was, it looked like a jumbled mess under his sink.  I used to laugh, and say what a mess. He say don't worry I know where everything is.  In fact this place is to clean, looks like no one lives here,  they don't , just me in a bedroom of saddness.  Some days I just want to sell and relocate to a small town and just start over again, just to get away from here.  I may just do that, well another weekend of nothingness.

 

I am being so selfish I hope your son will be ok you also have a new baby to greet I hope we can keep in touch I just can't talk to anyone face to face X

RE: My love has passed away 06/01/2012

by des12 on Sun Sep 09, 2012 01:20 AM

Quote | Reply

On Sep 08, 2012 8:13 PM Paminnewbury wrote:

On Sep 08, 2012 1:54 PM psouthfla wrote:

I feel so sad for you ,  it is so fresh for you, I can't go back to that first 4 wks of hell,  I just wanted to die.  Now I'm just so confused and wondering around like someone I don't even know, 

From I could do anything, to this weak nothing.  I'm living someone else's life, not mine.  But it has to stop one way or the other, and soon, no one could live this life.  Or would want to.  I will have to get it together sooner or later, what are we to do just keep going on like this? 

The new baby should bring some joy to your life, they always say  for every death a new life shall be born.  Well maybe this can ease the pain for a second or minute, it is a new life and she will bring you joy. 

I always knew we are what we think,  and my thinking has been pretty awful lately,  no wonder I feel like this,  I have to try and make some kind of difference in my life,  In the AM I will try to go to Church, but I 'm still mad at God also. silly isn't it?  What the heck I ticked off at everyone, very selfish of me once again.  To include one more thing, I don't like this person I have become.   I cleaned out some of his clothes , still have alot left.  Shoes all the stuff, just so much stuff.  Cleaned under his sink, kept all his shaving stuff stacked neatly in the back, I could not throw it away. It just looks so orderly,  he never was, it looked like a jumbled mess under his sink.  I used to laugh, and say what a mess. He say don't worry I know where everything is.  In fact this place is to clean, looks like no one lives here,  they don't , just me in a bedroom of saddness.  Some days I just want to sell and relocate to a small town and just start over again, just to get away from here.  I may just do that, well another weekend of nothingness.

 

I am being so selfish I hope your son will be ok you also have a new baby to greet I hope we can keep in touch I just can't talk to anyone face to face X

I know I could write all the same words, but thy've been written exactly as I feel too. It's too bad we all probably live so far away from each other because I have a feeling that if we're all walking around like zoombies in the same rm. eventually one of us might pick up on it and we'd laugh for a change.

We get my son's results Tues. I was so worn today I went up to see him for less than an hr. I lasted. But at least his wife was coming and he was so restless too, I could see it. I asked the nurse to get him some ativan. She said well it's hard to get a doc on the weekends and I said call a resident. She did and I guess he got it. He's been so busy trying to be strong and facing all of this, none of us have had a chance to really grieve I guess. His brothers are all wandering but God knows, nothing like me.

 

God Bless All,

Mary

RE: My love has passed away 06/01/2012

by Paminnewbury on Sun Sep 09, 2012 08:55 PM

Quote | Reply

On Sep 09, 2012 1:20 AM des12 wrote:

On Sep 08, 2012 8:13 PM Paminnewbury wrote:

On Sep 08, 2012 1:54 PM psouthfla wrote:

I feel so sad for you ,  it is so fresh for you, I can't go back to that first 4 wks of hell,  I just wanted to die.  Now I'm just so confused and wondering around like someone I don't even know, 

From I could do anything, to this weak nothing.  I'm living someone else's life, not mine.  But it has to stop one way or the other, and soon, no one could live this life.  Or would want to.  I will have to get it together sooner or later, what are we to do just keep going on like this? 

The new baby should bring some joy to your life, they always say  for every death a new life shall be born.  Well maybe this can ease the pain for a second or minute, it is a new life and she will bring you joy. 

I always knew we are what we think,  and my thinking has been pretty awful lately,  no wonder I feel like this,  I have to try and make some kind of difference in my life,  In the AM I will try to go to Church, but I 'm still mad at God also. silly isn't it?  What the heck I ticked off at everyone, very selfish of me once again.  To include one more thing, I don't like this person I have become.   I cleaned out some of his clothes , still have alot left.  Shoes all the stuff, just so much stuff.  Cleaned under his sink, kept all his shaving stuff stacked neatly in the back, I could not throw it away. It just looks so orderly,  he never was, it looked like a jumbled mess under his sink.  I used to laugh, and say what a mess. He say don't worry I know where everything is.  In fact this place is to clean, looks like no one lives here,  they don't , just me in a bedroom of saddness.  Some days I just want to sell and relocate to a small town and just start over again, just to get away from here.  I may just do that, well another weekend of nothingness.

 

I am being so selfish I hope your son will be ok you also have a new baby to greet I hope we can keep in touch I just can't talk to anyone face to face X

I know I could write all the same words, but thy've been written exactly as I feel too. It's too bad we all probably live so far away from each other because I have a feeling that if we're all walking around like zoombies in the same rm. eventually one of us might pick up on it and we'd laugh for a change.

We get my son's results Tues. I was so worn today I went up to see him for less than an hr. I lasted. But at least his wife was coming and he was so restless too, I could see it. I asked the nurse to get him some ativan. She said well it's hard to get a doc on the weekends and I said call a resident. She did and I guess he got it. He's been so busy trying to be strong and facing all of this, none of us have had a chance to really grieve I guess. His brothers are all wandering but God knows, nothing like me.

 

God Bless All,

Mary

I have had the strangest time I feel pissed off last night his brother called me crying saying he missed him so much I talked to him but I wanted to rip his throat out he always put us all down thinking he was better than us ' he was drunk but it really made me angry how am I supposed to comfort that heis stuck up bitch of a wife should be doing that I'm angry today ' wish I had a hammer xxx

RE: My love has passed away 06/01/2012

by sguerra47 on Thu Nov 29, 2012 12:10 AM

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Its been 8 weeks today for me.  How are you doing now?

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