Feeling more alone after one month

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Feeling more alone after one month

by marysch on Mon Aug 05, 2013 03:05 AM

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I'm feeling so alone now. Even more than I did in the beginning. Paperwork is pretty much over... Ashes have long been picked up...Some friends give me the feeling they are tired of talking about it  anymore...I feel people seem to think I should be "better" now....Friends and families' lives have gone on and are back to normal and I'm just drifting farther away. I try to keep somewhat busy. I'm taking a breavement class then on to a support group. I signed up for a class at our local university. I try to walk with a friend every evening, but she seems to want to talk about other things now. My brother and sister-in-law have their own lives and I don't want to be a third wheel to them. I try to think of hobbies I might like, but come up empty. I like to travel, but don't want to go alone. I read a little...some TV.. I hate to eat alone, so just do easy frozen mostly...I just don't seem to have much interest in anything. I bought some new pillows for the house and a water feature for the deck that I can hear at night, but I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels..killing time...just making do...waiting..

I really just want my old life with my husband back so bad and I know that can't ever happen now. I just HATE it. I HATE this new life and people saying "you'll find a new path".."it will get better with time" .."you never know what's out there"...well yes I do and it's empty and nothing. I feel so lonely and I am really alone...friends are nice, a few supportive and my brother and sister-in-law are great...but it's still not my husband and I still come home to an empty house..step children not that close and no pets either..

Just rambling as I can't do anything else tonight..just feel so lonely

RE: Feeling more alone after one month

by cpmty on Mon Aug 05, 2013 03:41 AM

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I am sorry you feel like that, it is so difficult to loss someone or feel lonely. If you have a church you go, maybe they can help you. also you can volunteer n a chuch of some program helping some one or a group or helping giving lunches etc... if you like to paint or... and by the way, where do you live? how old are you approximatly (I am asking because there are probably groups that you can get togethr ) and I think there are groups to get together with other people to travel. I love to travel and I have the same problem than you. I don't want to go alone, my children have their own lives and they can't came with me. So, if you look, you probably find someone or a group.  If you get depress you will not win or get out of it. there are day trips to other cities or places, (museums, shopping -even if you don't buy anyting- theater). Please go to your church and explain that to your pastor or priest or... also, I am not from this country and don't know a lot, but if you go to this message board, choose alternative treatments then 'solvestrols, solvestrols at work, (salvastrols) there are many people who participate and they know more than I and can help you. good luck celia

RE: Feeling more alone after one month

by SarahGrey on Mon Aug 05, 2013 09:32 PM

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Hi Mary... All I can say is... Yup. Exactly... :( Sigh... Thankfully, aside from being ridiculously clingy and close to my husband, I was always a "loner" and MUCH preferred to be alone than to have any company. So, I'm doing ok in that sense... But I miss him so terribly and miss the life we had so much that it hurts to breathe... Like you, I'm just waiting... All the best, Sarah

RE: Feeling more alone after one month

by pooliepoo on Mon Aug 05, 2013 10:08 PM

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On Aug 05, 2013 9:32 PM SarahGrey wrote:

Hi Mary... All I can say is... Yup. Exactly... :( Sigh... Thankfully, aside from being ridiculously clingy and close to my husband, I was always a "loner" and MUCH preferred to be alone than to have any company. So, I'm doing ok in that sense... But I miss him so terribly and miss the life we had so much that it hurts to breathe... Like you, I'm just waiting... All the best, Sarah
I'm so sorry Sara . I worry about how my husband will be left alone. We met a couple in our neighborhood and the wife and I both dx gbm .im so sick of the cancer community not being able to have better answers for all us who have come here. This just sucks no way to sugar coat any of it. You are in a lot people's prayers . I'm sending love please keep an eye out for my husband

RE: Feeling more alone after one month

by JackieJo on Mon Aug 05, 2013 10:28 PM

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Please know that you are not rambling....Your post could have been written word for word by a lot of us here on CC...including me. From what I have read here... what you are feeling is normal for those of us who have lost our husbands to this evil disease. It hurts so bad to have our friends and family members get uncomfortable and try to change the subject when we start talk about our husbands. Sadly you're right when you say that people think that you should be "better by now". Until it happens to them no one can really understand how unimaginable and devastating it is to watch our loved ones wither away and die as we stand by helplessly, praying and begging God not to take our loved one. Cancer Compass is a God sent to those of us dealing with cancer and loss but its a group that none of us ever wanted to belong to. All of us wish that cancer never became part of our lives...that we could still be happy and living life normally with our husbands by our sides. My heart aches for you and everyone else here. The reason that you may be feeling more alone now then you did a month ago is because the shock and numbness that happens with the death of a loved one, has begun to wear off and the reality is starting to really set in. You're doing the right thing by joining a bereavement/support group.  When my husband passed away from a 9 month battle with EC with mets to the liver and lymph nodes I was so lost and empty. Cancer Compass was the only place where I could express my true feelings and get support from others that have traveled the same nightmarish journey. Cancer Compass not only is a place to come to for understanding...it's also a place where we can help others who are dealing with sadness, loss and depression. There have been times in the past 2 years that I really thought that I was losing my mind only to come here and find out that my feelings were normal for what I/we are going through. My Joe passed away July 21, 2011 at home. Its takes time but eventually you will become stronger and better able to cope with the feelings. It's taken me 2 years to be able to look at pictures of my life with Joe and be able to smile at the memory instead of sobbing uncontrolably. Don't get me wrong I still have moments of sadness and tears when I'm alone. It still hurts like crazy but I am doing much better then I was when Joe first passed. I still have moments where I cry out that I just want Joe back. Please remember to be gentle on yourself. If you feel like crying let yourself cry..don't try to hold it in. That only makes the pain worse. Hold tight to the beautiful memories of your life together with your husband before cancer. Eventually instead of crying when you look at pictures or have a memory of your husband...you'll get to a point where those things make you smile. I promise you that will happen. Memories are a treasure that even cancer can not steal away from us.  

I pray daily for all of us here...that we may find peace and comfort in the weeks and months ahead. 

Love, hugs and continuing prayers;

JackieJo

RE: Feeling more alone after one month

by marysch on Tue Aug 06, 2013 01:08 AM

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Jackie Jo

Thank you so much for your comforting words.  You give me hope that all is not lost

Mary

RE: Feeling more alone after one month

by eastwest on Mon Aug 26, 2013 04:29 PM

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Marysch    I am so sorry for your loss.

I am 2 1/2 yrs down this path. Stumps, rocks, heck boulders in the way! Not that marriage didn't have it's rough spots but we were together. People who have not been on this path don't know it. They have no clue and mostly drive me nuts with the: time to move on, you should have stopped crying by now, I know how you feel as my husband works night etc.  For some I have seen it is a bit smoother. most times its easier for those who didn't have that great of a married life.

But anyway you move at your own pace. Making it thru all those firsts was a stepping stone. But my second yr was rough because I thought it should be a lot better. We are all different individuals. Support groups help many.

Books were my choice written by widows who had been there them selves. I also walk...a lot. 2-3 miles a day and find that is a balm. Nature really comforts me. And now there is Emme my 4 yr old cocker/bichon mix companion. Me who said "NO more dogs!" 

TV dinners yup still but sometimes i force myself to go out to eat alone. I take a book with me and i find I really taste the food! I also go to the movies once in a great while alone. Last yr I got a deck which i love. I don't like to travel alone either so i dont do much of that.

I know you want him back.  Darn, we all do. If you lived close I would share my little Emme or I'd talk you into getting yourself one. Irene

RE: Feeling more alone after one month

by marysch on Mon Aug 26, 2013 04:54 PM

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Irene

Thank you so much for your reply. I'm feeling a little sad today.  I'm almost at two months and it still seems unreal..like he is just "gone" but will someday be back. We did have a good marriage, not always perfect but pretty darn close  and I loved him very much and he felt the same way to me.

I've tried to keep busy with walking with a close friend everyday ( I too like to walk), visiting a brother nearby often. I also signed up for some classes at UNCA at the senior center. I went to a few hospice ed classes and they were ok. Then i went to a support group, but have found that this board supports me better. We all understand more especially because it is cancer and it is usually women who have lost their husbands.

 I try to go out with friends and visit some; even had a few over for dinner. But in all I feel like a hamster in those round things they run around and around in. I feel it is all too busy and somewhat meaningless and someday I will just crash from it and be so lonely. I sometimes feel it will be worse further down the road when all settles. I hate to just think from here on out I will be alone and just another widow in that vast sea. I hate it!

One thing I've really enjoyed is I got an IPad. There si SO MUCH to do on it, from contacting friends, education things, movies and TV shows on You Tube.  I love British shows and many full length episodes are on you tube. I do like to read and like movies too.

We had two adorable Yorkies, but they have been gone some 3 years now. I hope my husband is with them somewhere. I wish I could be there too. I love dogs and I know Emme will be lots of company for you. I'm not ready for a pet yet, but maybe someday. I have a deck too and spend most of my time out there. I'm in the mountains of NC and it is beautiful here. My husband and I were retired and we did get 11 years here to enjoy together. I just wish  we had more.

I'm so sorry so many of us ladies have had to go through this hell. I read the boards here almost everyday and feel we are all kindred spirits and there is some comfort there, but it is very sad. Take Care...Mary  

 

 

RE: Feeling more alone after one month

by eastwest on Thu Aug 29, 2013 02:58 AM

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Mary   It takes a while to settle into this new life.  I think at 2 months it still seemed foggy and nights seemed like forever.  Once I got my deck last year there were nights when I have fallen asleep on my swing.

Whatever seems to help you use it. This support and books were the two that helped me the most. But i know others go to outside or hospice support groups.

Irene

RE: Feeling more alone after one month

by eternalife on Thu Aug 29, 2013 01:35 PM

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Hi Mary,

Sorry you are missing your husband and the newness of being widow. My husband of 33 years died a month ago and I feel like a fish out of water. Some days better than others... No one can prepare us for being alone... I see other women, disregarding their husbands and taking so much for granted and I cringe.. we as a couple like all had our disagreements, but he was my best friend too...

Never will be the same, that's what I have to recognize... wish I had a road map... LOL

I am now on a " new roller coaster ride" , I think time will heal my wounds and my faith in God.

Take care,

Best

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