The death of a spouse - in words

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RE: The death of a spouse - in words

by SarahGrey on Sat Oct 05, 2013 01:56 AM

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ABSOLUTELY.  I've often thought it was PTSD...  :(

With me, I don't mind silence and actually find peace with it.  But I completely agree - this site has been so helpful...  It's not easy being with regular people in my life as everything is uneasy and uncomfortable...  Absolutely everything...  I met up with some old friends for lunch yesterday and was SO exhausted and depleted from it.  But here...  Things are easier.  Conversations are easier.  And, we can come and go as we're comfortable... 

I'm so sorry life has brought everyone here.  And I'm also so thankful everyone is here...  :(  Everyone has helped me a bit in their own way...

RE: The death of a spouse - in words

by mavcav on Sat Oct 05, 2013 02:05 AM

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Yup, I would have to say we do suffer from PTSD.  I think I recall KellyC saying something about that a couple of months ago too.  I just googled it and sure does seem fitting to the situation we are all in.

When it comes to silence, I have to have music on all day and night.  Course, not if the tv is on, but I don't turn it on much and the only time it is silent in this house is when I decide to go to bed for the night.

RE: The death of a spouse - in words

by JackieJo on Sat Oct 05, 2013 02:54 AM

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After what we all have been through its wouldn't surprise me if we all have PTSD. A few months after Joe died I was diagnosed with it. Cancer is so devastating not only to the patient but to those of us who took care of our loved ones. I don't resent having to care for Joe during his cancer journey, as a matter of fact I wouldn't have had it any other way, but watching him fade away mentally and physically and to see him die will haunt me forever. All I could do was stand by helplessly and watch the man that I love with all my heart lose his battle with cancer. I work in the medical field and for the longest time I couldn't understand why I couldn't find a way to save him. That caused me unbelievable grief and pain. I know now that nothing could have saved Joe short of a miracle from God. As for my social life....I really don't feel like I belong anywhere. Most of my friends are married. When I get invited out with them I feel like a 5th wheel. I also end up going home and having a meltdown. I'm not jealous that my friends have their husbands...honest...but I think I'm envious of them....not in a mean way. I would never wish cancer on them but I wish I was still a couple with Joe healthy and by my side. To be honest like some of you have said...I too would rather be alone then to work so hard when I'm out, trying to pretend that I'm having a good time when all I want to do is got home and be by myself. I have no intention of ever dating or getting married again. I could never love anyone like I loved my Joe. Like you have all said at one time or another...this site is all I need. We all understand the emotions and pain of losing our spouses and that grief isn't something you get over in a few month or a year. Until someone lives through the nightmare we've all been through, there is no way that they can understand the pain that we live with daily. My heart cries for us and for our lost loved ones that didn't want to leave us. 

Love, hugs and continuing prayers

JackieJo

RE: The death of a spouse - in words

by marysch on Sat Oct 05, 2013 08:54 PM

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I agree with you about this site. It's something I go to almost everyday. I don't always post, but I do often enough. I feel we all, whether young or older, large extended families or only a few, like silence or need TV, music or people, long marriage to our soul mate or shorter marriages and still to our soulmate, we have this common bond of understanding and feeling for each other, even though we have never met and probably never will. We try to survive our grief in all different ways. We try things and some work and some don't. We feel like 3rd wheels and get exhausted from just trying to push on because what other choice do we have. I will also never marry or love another man like my husband. And the two things that really bother me are 1) ALL the things my husband is going to miss out on and the total unfairness of it and 2) me having to continue to live like this; just sort of existing and pushing myself to avoid depression for years yet to come...years like this I can hardly bear. I'm dreading the cold gloomy short days of winter, unable to spend time outdoors, dark at 5:00. , holidays OMG! So much...it's almost to much to bear sometimes.

RE: The death of a spouse - in words

by SarahGrey on Sat Oct 05, 2013 10:34 PM

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JackieJo,

I've often felt the SAAAME way.  I somewhat have a medical background (long story, don't ask, lol) and with my insane attitude to not give up and research and care for/protect my husband I just HAD to save him.  I HAD to find a cure for him.  Was it incurable?  Yes.  But I had to save him...  I HAD to find a way...  :(   And I couldn't...  And the guilt of that failure will always stay with me...  It doesn't matter that no one can cure this.  I had to save him...  :(

Sigh.

The ONE thing that has helped me?  That Long Island Medium show!  LOL!  Really...  So often she has told people that, no matter what they did - they could NOT have saved their loved one.  That, no matter what, their loved one could NOT have been saved. 

I think I'm gonna send that woman some flowers...  ;)

 

RE: The death of a spouse - in words

by SarahGrey on Sat Oct 05, 2013 10:45 PM

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Mary,

YUP - we're like one big family here :)  Wait, do I have to send you guys holiday presents????  LOL just kidding...

And yes, the 3rd wheel or 5th wheel thing is awful.  Or, us just being "unicycle" wheels is bad too!  (lol) 

My husband and I used to love going to random stores and just exploring and looking around - we had fun everywhere we went.  Today, I was driving and saw two new stores that I know we would've liked to have gone into and looked around.  And I thought - I'm not going to go by myself...  It was FUN with him.  By myself would just be pointless and boring...  Everything is so empty now...

We had such a good, happy, and full LIFE together.  Now, I'm alive but I am lifeless...  :(

I was also remembering how I went to an anniversary party for a couple in my family a few weeks back.  It was ok overall but I feel so awkward.  Like my husband's death is the "black elephant in the room" and as the couple was celebrating I was smiling (with a broken, sobbing heart) and they played part of their wedding video (oh boy) - but the worst part was that I felt THEY felt awkward around me.  I tried to be normal but I could tell they were uncomfortable at times and it just made it worse.  And it makes me think about the holidays - the first holidays without my husband here.  Truly, I'd prefer just to stay home.  Never really liked the holidays too much and all the insanity of them.  Too loud, too crowded...  I loved those days at home with my husband - but then disliked when we went out to visit family.  (yeah, I'm a REAL joy, lol) 

Anyway, I was thinking that this year his extended family is going to be especially sad and then to have me there might make it worse for them?  Like it's an extra reminder he's not here.  And if it's worse for them, then it'll be even harder for me...  But I don't want to be anti-social and a jerk when they've truly been so good to me through everything and even said no matter what (months ago) I will always be part of the family, etc...  And I know my husband would want me to stay close with them...  Well, I guess that's my answer. 

I guess I could always just leave early if things were too uncomfortable... 

Sorry for rambling.  One of those days...

RE: The death of a spouse - in words

by mavcav on Sat Oct 05, 2013 11:55 PM

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Ah, yes... these last few posts are exactly how I feel too. :(  I am just so dreading the holidays this year.  I am hoping that my sister and her son will still come at Thanksgiving cuz that was the plan when my husband was alive and as for Christmas, I might have to do a road trip as I just don't feel comfortable spending time with my husband's side of the family anymore.  Not like I ever did as it is too loud, too many people and just too much.  My husband didn't even care for it so we would always leave early. :)  I too have been told I will always be part of the family, but I think the first holiday without my husband, I need to be with my side of the family although I would rather be by myself. :(  Who knows as that is too far in advance to plan for me anymore.  The way my mind has been lately, I am lucky to remember what day it is. LOL

 

RE: The death of a spouse - in words

by jdykllr on Sun Oct 06, 2013 03:45 PM

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It is always so nice to come on here & read about what everyone else are feeling and know that I'm NOT alone. Last night was one of those moments sitting at my desk looking at our Family pictures & our happy days before Brain Cancer took everything all the joy & happiness we had..... I miss him so bad and just cried:-( My 11 year old son came over and just hugged me & told me we are going to be ok,mom.  It's been 7 months ago since I said my last goodbye...I was told time will heal...I sure hope so cause right now it's still hard:-( Will be taking my 2 boys to Colorado for Christmas this year spending Christmas with my late husband family. My late husband is burried at Ft Logan, Colorado and I really feel that I need to go there visit his Gravesite with my 2 boys. I think that will be good thing to do for the 3 of us.

Judy

RE: The death of a spouse - in words

by JackieJo on Sun Oct 06, 2013 07:40 PM

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Hi Sarah....I know exactly how you're feeling. Being in the medical field and having medical background can really make us feel that we should have been able to find a way to cure our hubbys. After all we are trained to save people!! It took me a long time to get over the guilt of not being able to save Joe. One day it hit me...I am not God and only He can save us when the outlook is grim. There really is nothing you or I or anyone else could do to cure their cancer. I hate the way my life is now but like everyone else here..I have no choice. I'm trying so hard to dig myself out of this black hole that I've been in since Joe's death. For me it seems to be 1 step forward and 5 back. I'm sure we all can relate... Love this site and my CC friends. You're the only ones that really understand.

Love, Hugs and Continuing Prayers

JackieJo

RE: The death of a spouse - in words

by JackieJo on Sun Oct 06, 2013 07:50 PM

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Hi Judy...Life after the loss of a spouse is so very hard. I wish that there was something I could do or say to help you through this horrific journey. All I can do is pray for you and your family...which I'm doing. Your 11 year old son sounds like he's a sweet and very caring kid. As time goes on things will get easier. I'm happy to hear that you and your children are going to spend Christmas with you husbands family and will be going to visit his gravesite. Praying for peace and comfort for you and your family in the weeks and months ahead..

Hugs and Prayers

JackieJo

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