Roll Call

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Roll Call

by Glitzy12944 on Tue Apr 08, 2014 04:14 PM

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I miss you ladies and am feeling so disconnected from everyone here where I live, so I thought I'd reach out to you all.  If you feel up to it, maybe post a short update on what is going on in your life! 

I have two weeks to myself before the movers come to pack everything up.  I'm trying to do one annoying task a day.  Put my son in full time daycare so I can have a break.  And my dad who had been staying with us since my husband died, just left this weekend.  It's been very overwhelming.  Looking forward to a fresh start, but also scared to say goodbye and leave.  Never thought I would be leaving our house and this town without my husband.  Outlaws haven't spoken to me in a month.  

Your turn!

RE: Roll Call

by eastwest on Tue Apr 08, 2014 06:43 PM

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Glitzy    Been having bouts of gall bladder attacks and ready to take the darn thing out myself! Hopefully by end of next week. I see surgeon tomorrow. Only thing good is losing weight since I can't eat all the foods I'd normally like to. Irene

RE: Roll Call

by Dlynn1210 on Tue Apr 08, 2014 07:28 PM

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It's been many years since I was where you now find yourself but I remember the "lost" and disconnected feeling.  I decided to return to school which entailed me moving. It was the best thing that could have happened.  It will take time to adjust to life without your husband but you will adjust.  You never forget but you do move forward. 

Here is something that another person had posted many years ago on CC but it reminded me of how I felt after I lost Jack.  I hope it helps. 

Diana

The Caregiver’s Journey

The caregiver has given time and love in ways that people see and respect, even if they do not fully understand.  But the caregiver has received "gifts" from the dying person: trust and love of a kind rarely experienced, and the dying experience itself.  It is all of this and something more that the caregiver receives. In trying to explain what it is about, one man offered the following analogy that he referred to as "The Journey."

Imagine helping a friend on a journey to a remote monastery perched on top of a mountain.  As you begin your trip, the path is fairly clearly marked and the goal easily seen in the distance. But as you approach, the monastery is often obscured by the tops of trees in the forests through which you pass.  And you say " if only we could get out of this woods, we would be able to see the monastery again and see where we're going."  And as you continue the climb, the path fades and much is accomplished by guesswork. You call on your friend for help.  After all, this is his trip and he should know what he's doing.  But he becomes older and weaker and relies more on you moment by moment.

Things get worse.  You lose the path and you are tired and hungry.  But, he cannot proceed alone and you can't leave him on the mountain while you return to the warmth and safety of home.  So, you find a new reserve of strength, enough for both of you, and you continue up the mountain, for now it is your journey, as well. You look at yourself anew and find that you have grown older, become more mature like your friend, and you accept this as part of the mutual trip.  And in accepting your role as guide you find that you are guided, that your friend, whose legs have crumpled beneath him by now, offers you wellsprings of courage and hope. You drink deeply, for you realize that if either of you are to make it to the top, it will need both of you guiding and supporting the other in ways constantly changing and unimaginable.

One day when you least expect it, the heavy cedar gates of the monastery are suddenly dead ahead.  The trip had become the whole purpose, it seemed, and the monastery forgotten. But there it stands: Your friend's objective has been reached The door opens to admit your friend and, as if you had performed the ritual many times before, you hand your friend over the threshold. The door closes, and you stand there numb, alone, bewildered.

Out of habit you continue walking. It doesn't seem to matter in what direction, for each of the possible paths lead back down from the mountain.

The trip down seems easier than the trip up was. The mountain holds few surprises, now, and there is ample time to sit and ponder before reaching the valley below. And somehow in reviewing the trip with your friend, its moments of desperation and fear are overshadowed by the times of giving and accepting, of sharing and journeying together. Memory of the monastery fades and in its place stand crystal images of points along the upward trek. There was the time you picked him up and carried him across the rocks when his strength failed. And there was the time when you slipped and lost your grasp, but he held you up and supported you with the power of his mind. There was something special in those moments, something, which if you could string all of those images together in just the right order, that then, maybe then, you would understand.

As it is, you return to the valley a different person, quieter and stronger, knowing only that you have been a part of something .... holy. This friend shared with you his most personal possession, his death. And though you can't quite comprehend its true value, you find yourself hoping that you will have the ability to fully experience and share your final journey with another wayfarer to whom you can pass on crystal images.

Deep gratitude and celebration are the order of the day for those of us who are called to assist in this challenge.  The suffering, remember, is found only in our refusal to let go, only when we refuse to go through the pain and move to the other side. We get through by going through. The rewards are wonderful: the joy and blessings that come from extending the self beyond its own comfort zone; the knowledge we gain of life and death; the love that is lost and found again on a higher plane; and the areas of awareness that are opened.  Grief is a healing process to be welcomed and not feared, for when it is allowed to go its own course unobstructed, it will fill with wonder the void that the loss created.

RE: Roll Call

by karynk on Tue Apr 08, 2014 10:54 PM

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This month marks 17 months...already.

I have finally, FINALLY, been off antibiotics for going on 4 weeks now from my never ending infection from over the winter.  Now I am trying to get myself back to functioning, as being sick for 2.5 months really took it out of me.  So right now all my time and energy are being used taking care of me, which is probably a good thing.  I have also been busy trying to help my parents when I am able to, since my Dad is now dealing with some of the side effects from treatments for his advanced prostate cancer.  It's been interesting adjusting to the differences he has to deal with compared to what I dealt with in my husband.

I have been meaning to share a link on fb for a group for all the BT (GBM) widows and caregivers here.  I found it awhile back, as I was really looking for a BT widow group on fb, this is the best I found.  https://www.facebook.com/groups/GBMNextStep/

Me being sick kind of put my grief on a back shelf for awhile, but I have noticed the last few weeks that I have been having more episodes again.  Saying things and doing things that I only did with my husband.  They just seem to pop up out of nowhere.  

I have missed everyone here.  I know a few of you have now moved into the widow category.  I apologize for my lack of communication over the last few months.  Thank goodness Spring is finally here!!

-Karyn

RE: Roll Call

by TFil727 on Tue Apr 08, 2014 11:46 PM

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Hi Glitzy,

It has been 3 1/2 months since my husband passed.  Life goes on whether you are up for it or not.  Still miss him terribly and sometimes the whole thing still doesn't seem real. Some days it feels like he has been gone forever, other times like it was just yesterday. Keeping busy seems to be the biggest comfort to me.  Working helps to take my mind off things a little.

Best of luck to you with your move. I'm thinking I am going to sell the house and downsize to a condo within the next year also.  Too much to do by myself and I really don't want to deal with it. 

Don't waste too much time thinking about the rudeness of your outlaws. You can't control other people's actions, only your reactions. Take care Glitzy.

Tonia

RE: Roll Call

by KellyC on Wed Apr 09, 2014 03:04 AM

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Hey Glitzy,

It's been almost 6 months on the 19th.   I still cry daily, especially at night.  It's hard not to feel cheated.....

I have finished remodeling the little fixer house I bought and it's really cute.  I have been out of my mother's house for 3 weeks now and it's lonesome but I am adjusting I guess.  Some how with all the work I had done (bought it, new roof, paint inside and out, new patio, new fence, new kitchen, plumbing work, electrical, new retaining wall, new landscaping, new doors) I managed to delay grief for awhile I guess.  So here it is....daily.  Much needed and no one telling me to suck it up. I understand how the winchester widow wanted to keep the ghosts at bay.  The void is painful but I don't think my husband would have wanted to stay indefinitely with all the pain he was in so I take comfort in knowing he doesn't hurt any longer.

I started Zumba a couple of days a week and am working again.  My brain is functioning fairly well these days.  Things are good during the day.  Just the nites are tough.

Much love and good wishes to you in your new move.

KellyC

RE: Roll Call

by PunkyD on Wed Apr 09, 2014 06:33 AM

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Hi Glitzy,

Nice to see you here and hear how you're doing.  It sounds like you are moving forward and have been handling things well. Good luck on your move and fresh start.  Just one day at a time. 

I am doing well.......been 9 months since I lost my mom. Still think about her daily, have the urge to call her, and have my sad moments, but the feelings are not as intense as before.  More importantly, my Dad is doing better.  After 52 years of marriage, he is trying to move forward and find his way. 

Wishing you all the best.   

Punky

RE: Roll Call

by Marie55 on Thu Apr 10, 2014 06:15 AM

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One month today my husband died. I still cry lots, joined two support groups and want to move forward. I am back to volunteering, meeting friends for lunch or dinner. The house does not feel the same, and I will give it six months to decide if I want to stay here or move to a retirement community. Not sure if the house we loved is a fit for me now. My heart feels broken... Everyone says to be gentle, it will take awhile, go through the grief, read a ton of books now on grief, but I know my life has changed forever and never will be the same or have the joy or laughter I had with my husband. Hugs go all the beautiful ladies on this board,

RE: Roll Call

by Unknown_Member on Thu Apr 10, 2014 06:23 AM

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I am taking a literature class at The Abbey. In a group that have all written books, professors, teachers and then "ME" lol.......I sit next to a lady who has written 14 books they are on amazon.com , 2 biographies and working on her third right now.........reading Walker Percy's "The Second Coming" right now. He just so happens to be buried at The Abbey.......it's so great to be around brilliant people , I mean they are way over me but it's good for me to stimulate my brain. I didn't know how much I needed it till I started this class....a class I fell into by mistake but they have shown me such grace and have taken me under their wings. I have no doubt it was part of Gods plan. Good to see your post glitzy!!!!!!! Carolyn

RE: Roll Call

by eternalife on Sat Apr 12, 2014 01:53 PM

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Thanks for asking about us, Glitzy,

It has been 8 months for me, since Mark died.. :( Life doesn't seem the same and I have to admit it never will. I am supply teaching ESL nearby and was just invited to be the volunteer coordinator at my parish. My kids are older, so don't see them much, although with Easter will spend some quality time together. The lonliness has set in, and yes the nights are harder... I skate 2- 3 x / week, to stay active and surround myself with positive people.

Hate to say, I would love to be a caregiver again, to see his face in the flesh and touch his hand.. not meant to be.

those who are still caregiving, my best... and to the rest of us.. well we have to hoe our own road now.

Take care and be good to yourself, you are worth it...

Wishing and praying the light will continue to shine my way.

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