How Do You Handle?

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How Do You Handle?

by Glitzy12944 on Mon Oct 13, 2014 06:36 PM

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I'm still in my first year of widowhood.  And it's about to start the holidays.  Coming up next week is my husband's birthday.  And I feel sad.  I feel like sometimes I just want to avoid it, avoid paying any attention to the day.  But then the other part of me wants to honor it in someway.  I was thinking of doing a message in a bottle, having my son draw a picture or something and going to the beach and throwing it in the water.  How do you cope through the holidays? Surround yourself with people.  Avoid it and try to be alone.  I think for me it's a balance of the two.  Making plans with friends that are uplifting but finding the downtime to grieve privately on me own.  What do/did you do?

RE: How Do You Handle?

by modesta on Mon Oct 13, 2014 08:13 PM

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Glitz, a little of both - be around friends and family and then comes the feeling that i have to be alone for a little bit.

 

Praying for strength

RE: How Do You Handle?

by eternalife on Tue Oct 14, 2014 02:56 AM

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Hi Glitzy,

I can suggest what you do for dinner over the holidays, our friends did this when my kids and I went for dinner. The host set a plate and a glass of wine where Mark would have sat. It was very touching and it honoured him at the dinner table.

Not going to be a ritual , but it helped get through the awkwardness.. there wasn't a dry eye around.

It does get better, but we have a long way to go.

Best,

RE: How Do You Handle?

by bobss396 on Tue Oct 14, 2014 11:45 AM

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Barbara's birthday is next month, not looking forward to that. Me and the kids will go to Thanksgiving dinner at her brother's house, which is their holiday for eons.

I talked it over with my kids and we'll have Christmas, as we have had for many years at our house. They said it would be too weird not to have it.

RE: How Do You Handle?

by Ozgirl on Tue Oct 14, 2014 07:39 PM

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Still avoid...

RE: How Do You Handle?

by StephenS on Tue Oct 14, 2014 10:22 PM

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On Oct 13, 2014 6:36 PM Glitzy12944 wrote:

I'm still in my first year of widowhood.  And it's about to start the holidays.  Coming up next week is my husband's birthday.  And I feel sad.  I feel like sometimes I just want to avoid it, avoid paying any attention to the day.  But then the other part of me wants to honor it in someway.  I was thinking of doing a message in a bottle, having my son draw a picture or something and going to the beach and throwing it in the water.  How do you cope through the holidays? Surround yourself with people.  Avoid it and try to be alone.  I think for me it's a balance of the two.  Making plans with friends that are uplifting but finding the downtime to grieve privately on me own.  What do/did you do?

I came to this site tonight because my world has gone all blurry again.  I thought I had it under control.  I've taken my kids out to dinners several times as a group and two of the three out to dinner just with their wives and children, I've gotten together with my closest friend after not talking to him since the day of Kathy's funeral and took him and his girlfriend out to eat to. 

Today I took a bad fall.  It's the third one since Kathy died.  I am just not paying attention to where I am walking and I do a header.  Today was my right knee again for a second time.  Cut it open good.  Also the right elbow and back hurt.

I sat down and thought, it doesn't matter any more.  Nothing matters.  So what if I die.  I too approach my wife's birthday in just thirteen days.  I will be out of town visiting my daughter up in Virginia going to my 50th class reunion,  trying to find a distraction by revisiting my home town in New Jersey too. 

And then the holidays loom on the horizon.  The kids talk of coming home and me making our family turkey dinner with all the fixins and I remind them how much she loved pumpkin pie.  I tell them that Kathy was good for making a pumpkin pie every six to eight weeks.  She does loved how it tasted.  And now I will make it.  But she won't be there to enjoy it.  I wonder if I might just accidentally let it drop to the floor on the way to the table.  It won't taste the same in my mouth never again.  I think to myself maybe I can just cancel it all.  Tell them to celebrate in their homes.  I think about selling my house and moving into a one bedroom small apartment where visitors and family dinners can't take place ever again.  I think that maybe I should sell everything and just hit the road and travel and travel and travel until all my money is run out.  I wonder if I were gone, maybe it would be easier on my kids not having to see their father crying all the time and sobbing as he tries to tell them about their mother just so they will remember her.  I put on a brave face but inside I am hollow, a shell.  I make my kids laugh, I bring a smile to the faces of my grandkids but then when I am alone all the laughter and smiles fade away and I am once again without my love the women who made my life complete and now all that remains is the vacant hole where Kathy lived and filled me with happyness and joy.

I am so sorry to put this downer on everyone.  I have tried to be the beacon of light with my words but my words belie the real depth of my grieving.   I hope that all of the rest of you that are struggling like me will have the courage and conviction to turn to our Lord and ask him for comfort and direction to see us through this sometimes impossible struggle with the pain of loss.

StephenS

RE: How Do You Handle?

by RobinMB on Tue Oct 14, 2014 10:53 PM

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Sarah & Stephen,

I understand how you are feeling.  My husband will be gone 10 months now.  His birthday was back in August.  Some friends and my kids all went out to dinner.  I just couldn't go.  I knew I would cry the entire night. And, I did.  So, I think it was just better that I wasn't there.  It's not that I don't want to honor my husband's memory, it's just that it hurts too much.

Life doesn't seem right to me anymore.  Stephen, when you said you feel like a shell, I could totally relate.  I go through the motions each day:  work, come home, cry and sleep.  I make a point of getting together at least once a week with family and friends, but the loneliness is profound.  It's hard for me to imagine that I have to go through the rest of my life this way.  I lost my beautiful sister 8 years ago.  She was killed in an accident.  She was only 43. The pain just doesn't go away.  I guess you just get used to it. 

Some people ask me if I will date in the future.  I am so exhausted from all of this grief that it wouldn't be fair to another person.  I feel as if I've aged 10 years in the past several years while on the cancer journey. I'm 52 years old, and I feel ancient now.  I've even lost my excitement about my grandkids.  I don't spend as much time with them like I (we) used to. 

I guess, for now, we just have to do what feels right for us.  And, I think we need to be easy on ourselves.  We have experienced a life-altering event.  When someone asks me how I'm doing, I say, "I'm taking one day at a time".  It's the best I can do for now.

I will pray that we are all able to get through the upcoming holidays with a little less sadness with each passing day.  I'm thankful that all of you are here for me.  You get me!!!

Robin

RE: How Do You Handle?

by RobinMB on Tue Oct 14, 2014 11:06 PM

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Glitzy,

I love your idea of a message in a bottle!  That is so sweet. 

Definitely stay close to your friends who are uplifting.  They will be a source of great strength for you. 

It reminds of a song:  "Smile when your heart is breaking."  Then, when you are done smiling, cry because your heart is breaking.  Do whatever your heart desires. 

Sometimes I feel like I just want to run away from all of this.  But, I don't have anyone to run away with anymore, so I guess I just have to face the music.  Aw, this is just all so sad.  I wish it didn't have to be this way!!!

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we would suddenly wake up one day and all of this sorrow would be gone?  We could still remember our loved ones and smile when we speak of them. It sounds like a fantasy.  But, I will wish for this for all of us who have lost a loved one.

Robin

RE: How Do You Handle?

by eternalife on Wed Oct 15, 2014 12:00 AM

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Hey Robin,

The sadness will get less, but the memories never fade. Our hearts have been ripped apart. I don't want to dwell in the sadness, some days easier than others. I thinking returning to work has been a plus for me.. I couldn't imagine what I needed to do next. My life had been focussed on growing old and looking to spending more leisure time with Mark one day.. Well the one day is gone, so I have to create a new plan. Ugh...

learning to start over is never easy.. it's a first for all of us.. take your time, suit yourself and don't let others try to tell you what is best for you.. in some ways this is teaching me to think for myself something I haven't done in over 30 years... it was always me and Mark:(

Take care,

RE: How Do You Handle?

by ReleaseMe on Wed Oct 15, 2014 01:15 AM

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This holiday season will be a challenge for many of us here. There are a lot of people that are still going through " the firsts ". My family is going celebrate on a very small level, mostly for the kids. I know there will be tears . Peace to all.

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