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When Everything Goes Right

by StephenS on Mon Apr 27, 2015 07:13 PM

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I planned the perfect get together and everyone had a great time last weekend.  My grandkids all had fun and interacted and bonded with each other.  And the adults enjoyed themselves and everyone ate up the food i had prepared like they hadn't seen a meal in the past week.

So why then the minute they left did i break down in tears again? 

I've told myself "life goes on" and that i must look forward and not back.  I've said that my wife would want me to be happy and i have such a great family.

So why then the minute that they left i found myself unable to control the tears as they rolled down my face.

I have my own answer.  I can't help but wish she had been here to share it with me.  The love and happiness of my children and grandchildren are important to me and i do feel happiness in seeing them having fun but they do not fill the hole that once was the hugs and kisses of my wife.

I can make my body and words do what they should do but i cannot make my heart follow their lead. 

Here i sit at work trying to bury myself in tasks and push back into my subconscious my emotions and thoughts and without warning the tears well up and flow and i find myself having to explain to my employees that its just not a good day.

When everything goes right but then goes all so wrong then what are you to do?

I sure hope you have some answers cause i really do want to be happy again.  I know kathy would want me to be happy and i know my kids do so so very very much.  Is there some button i have forgotten to push to make the smiles and laughs genuine??



by Marie55 on Tue Apr 28, 2015 01:54 AM

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Stephen, the get together sounded wonderful. Always joyous to be with children and grandchildren. You are very fortunate. My husband died 13 months ago, and I still have a good cry almost every day. My adult child lives out of state with my three grandchildren. I have a sibling who lives over 100 miles away. So my husband was my world and now have to make a new life with girlfriends. Most still have their husbands so there are many times I am just alone. I volunteer, take classes, try and stay engaged but the reality is my life is upside down and there is a hole in my heart. I still go to a support group and that helps so much. Friends are now telling me to shake it up. Still not sure what the heck that means. Yes, life goes on and we have to somehow make sense of our great loss. Someone in our group started a gratitude journal. I am going to do that so it make me more positive each day, It is definitely okay to be missing your precious wife...and shed those tears.


by carrieg55 on Tue Apr 28, 2015 02:59 PM

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Marie & Stephen,

I can relate to both of you. I have one daughter she lives in the North, I have two grandsons who are my life I love them more then life itself but again they live far away. Most of my family and friends live back North as well.

I do have family here I have a sister who is married she has a family of her own, she has started watching her grandaughter who just turned one and on occasion watches her grandson who is three if he is not with grandma then he attends daycare when she does have them both it's a lot on her so she gets worn out and exhausted.

I talk to my sister when I can but, I know she is busy.

My mom and step dad live about a mile away, my mom is my best friend but, she is 86 and is suffering from alzheimers.

I have a cousin that lives about an hour away she lost her husband to cancer about 6 or 7 years ago, when she started dating a couple of years ago she became serious with this one gentlemen they moved in together over a year ago, this past November he was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer needless to say she is beside herself.

May is right around the corner while many happy occasions are in May there is also the day I am dreading. May 11th my youngest grandson will turn 11, May 23rd my daughter will turn 41, May 30th my oldest grandson will graduate from grammer school I am flying in to attend this happy occasion.

May 15th will be one year ago that I lost my Jimmy I am dreading that day. Somedays I think how can it be a year it doesn't seem possible and then on some days it feels like it has been an eternity.

Our lives have been changed forever, I often wonder will this hole in my heart ever go away? will I ever truly be happy or ever experience true happiness again? I miss him so much and I miss that he will not be here to celebrate the milestones with our grandchildren.

I know we are all struggling with our losses, each of us in our own way, but the bottom line is we all have the same result the emptiness, the missing piece of our life.


RE: When Everything Goes Right

by Fredward on Tue Apr 28, 2015 10:20 PM

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Stepehn, Marie and Carrie,

I can so relate to all of you.  It will be 2 years in June since I lost my husband.  I still cry.  I too wonder if I will ever be happy again.  I have happy moments, maybe even happy days once in awhile, but the tears always return, the loneliness is still here, the emptiness and just wishing he was here to see our kids making milestones.  He missed one son's wedding and the purchase of his first home.  He missed the other son's college graduation.  My father died in an accident just 6 months after I lost my husband and I've had to deal with that by myself.  My house is just that, a house.  Not a home.  And there are always the magical people who think we should be doing oh just so fine because you know, it's been awhile now since they passed.  Visiting this site lets me know that I am normal, that I'm not alone in this.

RE: When Everything Goes Right

by eastwest on Mon May 11, 2015 02:40 PM

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Stephen  I wish there was a button we could push to bring back that happiness. Memories of goodtimes can help or not. Family and friends presence with us may also. But those alone times, those missing times cut so deep. Another may in time find a place in our hearts but it's not that same place reserved for that special loved one. I found that there can be a happy again and yet I will always miss and long for Phil too.  Irene

RE: When Everything Goes Right

by Kjohnchas on Wed May 13, 2015 01:04 AM

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this is the first i have posted since my chuck passed aay ,5 weeks ago.its so hard to offer advise or anything else to people fighting,after all what do i know,i pushed and pushed to save my husband.life goes on for everyone as it should but for me time stands still,i dont want it to go on.i am just exsisting.

RE: When Everything Goes Right

by StephenS on Thu May 14, 2015 07:39 PM

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An it will unfortunately stay that way at least for the next year.  You can try and move on and you can try to re-establish a life for yourself but somehow there's always this hole in the middle of it that makes it not the same, without meaning, and its your loved one.  The one who made you laugh, the one that made you smil, the one that made you know they loved you and the one that was your life.  All I can promise you is that it will get easier.  Not better, never as good but easier to continue on.  What a year has done for me is make me realized how much I have to be thankful for.  Realize just how blessed I was and am.  Realize that God truly blessed me.  I can only pray that God will hold you in his arms and comfort you and see your through your time of sorrow.

RE: When Everything Goes Right

by BAILY on Fri May 15, 2015 04:16 PM

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Sending you a hug.

RE: When Everything Goes Right

by Marie55 on Sun May 17, 2015 08:22 PM

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I was feeling down this morning and logged on to see how everyone was doing. Have to keep reminding myself to take it all a day at a time. Today I am missing my husband. It has been 14 months and though most days are getting better, that hole in my heart is hard to mend. Mondays through Friday life seems easier with volunteer work, classes, getting together with friends but all seems to come to a dead stop on the weekends. My neighbor is a widow so we do go out to eat or a movie, but Sundays seem to be the most difficult. My girlfriend's husband just passed from cancer just a week ago so more sadness. I wish everyone much peace today... And thanks for posting and sharing.

RE: When Everything Goes Right

by eastwest on Thu May 21, 2015 04:22 PM

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Dear Kjohnchas   I am so sorry for the loss of your dear husband.

 I am 4 years here but I well remember moving into this widowhood. Terrible neighborhood to be in and yet only those living here truly understand.

 I remember wondering how things around me could keep on. Like the sun shining and the bees buzzing and flowers blooming. Didn't they realize it was the end of my world? I had definitely lost my identity. Who was I now?

It took months before I smiled again. I remember telling my one girlfreind that if this was all there was to life I would just as soon get taken from it too.

I tried bereavement groups and read every book I could get my hands on by other widows on how to cope. When they say you need to "work thru grief" that is exactly what it feels like.

I don't know if there is ever truly an end to it. I love and miss my Phil but now there are lots of days of smiling too. But they came in time.

Please be as kind and loving to yourself as you possibly can. Love your friends who may not say the right things, they don't know.   Irene

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