Grief is such a painful process

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RE: Grief is such a painful process

by Fredward on Fri Aug 28, 2015 02:06 AM

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Irene,

This is one of the things I struggle with.  Our oldest son was married just 4 months after I lost Jim.  A year a a half later, our youngest graduated from college, and now he is engaged.  With each milestone the kids reach, it hits me (and the kids) hard that the kids don't have their father to share it with and that Jim missed out on so much.  It's especially hard because the day Jim was diagnosed, he said he'd be lucky if he got to see Zach graduate and he fought so hard to be here for the wedding.

I, too, try to count my blessings, and there are many, but it doesn't fill this hole in our hearts.  I remind myself that others have it much worse, and they do.

Susan

RE: Grief is such a painful process

by StanToronto on Tue Sep 01, 2015 07:55 PM

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Stephen, One thing I like about this forum, is that no matter how different we all are, how much we are all so much the same. With only three months into this nonsense, I am sort of a newbie. It is interesting and helpful to hear that everyone else here is experiencing the same thing. I got a kick out you becoming the 'GRANDMA': 

>Stephen: "But I do know we are part of the present and the future and we need to participate in it.  If not for our selfs then for our family and friends.  In my case I have become 'GRANDMA' for eleven grandchildren who no longer have her here to remember their birthdays and christmas and easter. And for my children I have taken up the torch too and have the family gathers and celebrations."

I had this conversation with my son just a couple days ago. He has 'ordered' me to become the 'GRANDMA'!!; whose shoes I could never hope to fill!! With four grandchildren ten and under, and three of them girls!! What do I know about little girls!!?? While they tend to be all over me with love and effection, I can't quite dispell the idea, that the person they are hugging, is merely all that they have left of grandma! And at least in part, that's probably true. Grandma and I came as a packaged deal. :-)

Like you, "And for my children I have taken up the torch too and have the family gathers and celebrations"

I am going to try that his year, starting with Thanksgiving, which is only six weeks away. We have always had our family celebrations at Grandma's house, a big house with lots of room and facilities, ideal for big family occasions.  Like . . . how much talent does it take to stick turkey in the oven! :-) I got lots of practice during grandma's remaining months when the idea of hosting such an occasion really scared her. I also knew she couldn't do that, or even participate in any of the preparations and setup. Nevertheless, I knew she could enjoy a wonderful day if she spent the morning resting in her LazyBoy chair, with a pillow and a heating pad, while I did all of the prep. And then when it came time to have fun with the family, an oxycocette would keep her going, and having fun for the next eight hours without any exhaustion or pain! :-)

So . . . this Thanksgiving, I am on my own. :-) But she has me well-trained: which **ironed** table cloths to use, which dishes, which cutlery, etc. 

She was a real clean-freak! One of our fun memories, after a day with the family: at 1 am, she got out the vacuum cleaner to clean up the family room. <giggle> She never did live that one down!! :-) But I still maintain the house in the manner that would have met with her approval. A few days ago, most of my family came over for a vist . . . they even brought the food!! :-) But something my DIL exclaimed: "Wow!! Is this place ever clean!!" I'm sure grandma would have approved!! :-)

Stan 


  

   





  

  

RE: Grief is such a painful process

by Kjohnchas on Sun Sep 06, 2015 09:06 AM

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hi

my husbnd chuck has been gone 5 months now.at first i was ok because after a 30 month struggle with pancreas cancer,and because he fought so hard to live,i know he has no pain now.but it wasnt always bad,we had time to enjoy and be thankful for our time.

but here i am with my family that dont really get it.the visitors have gone away,the step children,step grandkids have gone away after 22 years of being a family,all because they wanted something i wasnt ready to part with after he was gone 2 months.i dont understand because he wouldnt of wanted it like this.

the kids dont tex me,how are you today,anymore,they just feel im miserable,and i am,and im sad and trying to find a new life.i was so busy taking care of him and just dont know what to do now.i have grandkids to take care of everyday ,but still feel empty.

ive been going to a hospice couselor,and that helps,sept 15th i will attend a group.i hope to meet others like me.and starting a once a month dinner get together sounds great.

ive been on this great site for years,i just havent been able to wtite since chuck passed,feel i have nothing to offer except my complaining.though everyday i thank God for my blessings,and for the time he gave me with my husband.

       God bless everyone

                      kathy

RE: Grief is such a painful process

by StanToronto on Sun Sep 06, 2015 12:58 PM

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Kathy, you remind me so much of the Psalmist David when he was grieving:

"O Lord, have mercy on me in my anguish. My eyes are red from weeping; my health is broken from sorrow. I am
pining away with grief; my years are shortened, drained away because of sadness. My sins have sapped my
strength; I stoop with sorrow and with shame. I am scorned by all my enemies and even more by my neighbors and
friends. They dread meeting me and look the other way when I go by. I am forgotten like a dead man, like a
broken and discarded pot." --Psalm 31:9    

How close it that to what you are experiencing.?!! :-)

The more I hear about what others are going through during the grief process, the more I realize how much we are all the same.  And when I read David's experience, I can identify with just about everything he experienced; and that nothing has really changed in 3000 years! It's just part of life: the stinky end of life . . . as we get old. :-) 

Stan

RE: Grief is such a painful process

by eternalife on Sun Sep 06, 2015 01:53 PM

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Sorry Kathy, to hear of your grieving experience, I have been on this journey for 2 years now and honestly, I think the second year is worse than the first, so hunker down, cause there is more to come.

I am running out the door to Mass right now, I find my prayerful life has sustained me. Married 33 years is a long road with my late husband and I miss everything we had, but I have to be real and tell myself I am missing also what I will never have. I agree, others who have not walked our walk do not understand, we cannot be angry with them, they don't deserve this anymore than we do.

Take one day at a time, we have to find the light in a very dark time. .it will get better, have faith.. we are not really alone.

May we all find peace with what suffering we must endure.

Best

RE: Grief is such a painful process

by Kjohnchas on Mon Sep 07, 2015 12:23 PM

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Stan.... i suppose i do feel this way..but everyday is a new day,and everyday i see my blessings,and try and find a purpose to go on

i went to a new church yesterday,one closer to me in my own town,everyone was so nice,and afterwards they had a church picnic that i stayed for.they have a womans meeting on thursday morning that i think i will attend.its a much smaller church and the paster has time to talk with you.there also is a revival fri night to pray for our country,he mentioned a judgement coming and as we all know prayer helps,

i am going to try and forget my myself and not worry about things i have no control over.i just dont understand why everyone in our world doesnt treat everyone in love.where do i read about davids exsperience? i cant seem to find it.

i dont really worry about myself so much ,its more about my family.

RE: Grief is such a painful process

by Kjohnchas on Mon Sep 07, 2015 01:08 PM

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i did find it thankyou

RE: Grief is such a painful process

by StanToronto on Mon Sep 07, 2015 05:05 PM

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Kathy,

>>Where do i read about davids exsperience? i cant seem to find it.

The passage I quoted, is from Psalm 31: 9-12 The Living Bible:
https://www.biblegateway.com /passage/?search=Psalm+31&version=TLB

The exact wording is somewhat different, because the Living Bible is not a translation; it is a paraphrase, i.e. instead of the focus being on an exact word or word translation, it focuses upon the **meaning** of the passage. The Living Bible is the work of Kenneth Taylor. One day, as he was reading the Bible to his kids, he realized that a lot of what he was reading, was going right over their heads. That is when he was Inspired to create the Living Bible, a paraphrase that anyone could understand, even kids. To that end, objective of the Living Bible was to convey the 'meaning' of each passage. I remember the first time I read it years ago, I would often say: "Wow! Does the Bible really say that!!??" Then I would check it against the KJV, I would discover that I merely hadn't noticed it when I read the KJV.

My favourite Bible website is
https://www.biblegateway.com

because it has just about every Bible translation ever published; and it is so easy to click on other translations to compare them to each other. In the passage I quoted, the Living Bible seemed to express David's feelings the best; or at least in a way I could most identify with.

Stan

RE: Grief is such a painful process

by StanToronto on Mon Sep 07, 2015 05:16 PM

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Kathy, for some reason the web address I previously posted, doesn't seem to work. Trying again:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+31&version=TLB

If this doesn't work, just plug Psalm 31 into Google, and about the first site that comes up is Bible Gateway. And then after Psalm 31 is displayed, go to the top right, and select the version of the Bible you want to view.

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