as one year ends and another begins

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RE: as one year ends and another begins

by carrieg55 on Mon Jan 25, 2016 06:46 PM

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Hello Everyone,

Just wanted to check in with everybody. What brought me back to the site is a friend of mine that I grew up with we went to school from 3rd grade on has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, I don't have all the information yet as to what type, stage, etc., her doctor called and told her they believe she has cancer of the pancreas and it has also spread to the liver? .....not sure tomorrow she is going for another test then I guess we will all know more.

I spoke to my friend today we talked for an hour on the phone I told her about getting help with treatments, to having her husband apply for FMLA I shared as much information as I could I live in Florida and she lives in Illinois I just wanted to help anyway I could, it was so good to talk to her I pray she will live a long time with treatment.

I got through the holidays ok, it seems like after the holidays all heck broke loose with friends and family and Illness.

Jimmy has been in heaven for 20 months now, doesn't seem possible, this is the second Christmas I have celebrated without him, he is on my mind all the time. We did put up a tree the deal was my gentleman friend would put up the tree and the grandsons and daughter would decorate it, the memories came flooding back as I saw all the ornaments and decorations. Of course it was my job to take it all down and put it all mind filled with thoughts of Christmas's of the past our life our love. Even with somone new in my life the memories will never leave, there will always be a special place in my heart for Jimmy he was my love, my life, we shared almost 12 years together that is a lot of time to make memories and we sure did!!!!!


RE: as one year ends and another begins

by StanToronto on Mon Jan 25, 2016 07:35 PM

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Sorry Carrie, pancreatic cancer at the outset is a no-hope cancer, and by the time it spreads to the liver, even with treatment, four months would be a reasonable expectation. :-(  Unfortunately I know!

At six months, this was my first Christmas 'alone'. I helped the kids/grandkids put up their Christmas Tree at their home, and all went well until they started ringing their Christmas bells and singing Christmas Carols. At that point, I had to make a quick dash for the door, and exit before they saw me totally fall apart. But Christmas went well, with two formal dinners, one hosted my me. When you are busy doing that kind of stuff, you don't have time to think about being sad.

Happy to hear you found a new friend. I would like one too, BUT for an old guy like me (73),  just as a friend, someone to share similar experiences, and just be friends, but nothing further. After 50 years together with a relationship more wonderful than few can even begin to even dream about, that's far more than enough for me to last an entire lifetime! :-)

Each new day, brings us one day closer. :-)    

RE: as one year ends and another begins

by Shereeclint on Mon Jan 25, 2016 09:14 PM

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Hi Carrie,

It was nice to see your name come up after all this time. Welcome back.

Stan is right, pancreatic cancer with mets is a very inconvenient diagnosis. That’s the not so good news. The good news is that it there is still time to finish preparations for a wonderfully peaceful exit off the stage of life.

A close friend of mine, who has served as a hospice Chaplin for the last 10 years, recently shared a list of the seven (7) things each of us should all do before we die. He has attended 100’s of deaths and spoken with 1000’s of relatives and friends both before and after a passing.

He interfaces with the whole spectrum of beliefs so he is very conscious of his words. This is the single most important thing to pass along. GOD loves them.

GOD’s Love is not like our love. They need to know that.  His LOVE is both infinite and eternal. GOD is both Creator as well as Sustainer. Most of us do not even know what that means. GOD sustains us with everything we need to live in the physical world, and then sustains us as we make the transition to the spiritual world.

For a Christian, death is merely the door leading to our forever home with our forever friend, Jesus Christ.  That notwithstanding, GOD loves all his Creation, not just Christians. GOD loves them as much as He loves His own Son. We know that because we are told that those who put their trust in the SON will be co heirs with Jesus. To think that we are to inherit all of Heaven is a staggering thought. This is the verse he shares with everyone, regardless of their background.

“For GOD so loved (them) the world that He gave His one and only SON, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal Life” John 3:16-17

GOD loves them. I love them too.

Thank you for being a loving friend.


RE: as one year ends and another begins

by sandy26 on Tue Jan 26, 2016 12:52 AM

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I should get started in some type of support group. It would be nice to find some friends who are going through the same thing.

I am lucky to have the grandbabies - I love them so much and they are a big help. I had my grandkids today for the whole day. We went to the park and played baseball and fed the geese. My grandson loves throwing rocks in the river. It is a great workout. I will sleep good tonight.

I just have to learn how to live this new life with new friends. All my old friends are busy with their husbands :) something I no longer have. Before my husband passed he told me I needed to start a whole new life - becasue I am younger - I am 59, anyway, I told him I already had a live with you and now I have kids and grandkids from you so that is my new life.

It has only been a month. I feel some what better - not crying as often. It is still pretty dang lonely in the evening when I am sitting here by myself...that is when I feel my husband is trying to tell me to move on and don't sit and cry all the time. It helps knowing he is our gurardian angel. I love and miss him so much. I hate cancer!!!  I say that ever day. I hate cancer. It is such a sad disease for the patient, the caregiver and the family.

Take care and bless you all.

RE: as one year ends and another begins

by StanToronto on Tue Jan 26, 2016 02:18 AM

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Hi Sandy!! Notwithstanding the circumstances, it's so great to hear from you again today!

Now that my "friends" on Ethel's side of the family have abandoned me, because I refuse to dance to their tune, I have experienced not loss in that area.

On the other hand, I am getting a bit of a hrrrumph! from those from our Grief Share group because I don't join them all for lunch, one or more times per week! Sort of like every Sunday after church, I get inundated with invitations to join them for Sunday lunch. But Sunday is a TOTAL reserved FAMILY Day; at church, and then the remainder after church!! I really love Sunday Family Days EVERY week!

>>"Before my husband passed he told me I needed to start a whole new life!!"

And we are all stuck, dealing with that new reality of finding a whole new life, but in the process, he never said anything like: "Go find yourself a new man!"

After 50 years, Ethel knew me ever so very well, she knew that my love for her was never an issue . . . it was eternal. And it was totally all about her, and totally focused upon HER and HER Family!! FOREVER!

Her one and only request throughout her last year was: "Promise Me that you won't get all that depressed after I leave." So . . I rate each day: "How well did I honour Her wishes today!" The there is the vacuuming and dusting stuff, I not going to get into! :-)

And NO, he is NOT your guardian Angel! Angels were servants created by God to protect, care for and serve those who were to become HIS sons and daughters until the time God had chosen to call them Home; and on that very last day, to finally escort them into the presence of that wondrous Ethernal LIGHT!!

RE: as one year ends and another begins

by eastwest on Wed Jan 27, 2016 04:23 AM

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Hi Sandy    I am so sorry you lost your husband.

Our lives take a huge change after the loss of our spouse. I remember telling my son I had lost my identity. Oh I was still a mom and grandma but the wife part which came before either of those was stolen.

There are good support groups you might find thru hospice or Gilda clubs. I also found a lot of help in the many books written BY widows for widows. They know first hand what it's like. Even though I am a retired hospice nurse I am also more inclined to keep to myself and I found the books helped a lot. Plus coming onto this site during Phil's illness and after his death transferring from esophageal to bereavement helped.

Sometimes i found friends saying the worst things possible like :"I know how you feel, my daughter just got married and husband works night"(i would get angry)but thinking now I realize they just have not been thru this and don't know what its like and I sure don't wish it on any one. 

That first year I think the anticipation of holidays or birthdays etc was worse that the actual day. The second year you know you can and will get thru it though it hurts. There is always the missing but life does go on as we struggle to find our balance again.



RE: as one year ends and another begins

by StanToronto on Wed Jan 27, 2016 10:47 PM

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Sandy, How are you doing today?

You are never far from my thoughts and prayers as to go through his horrible time of life!


RE: as one year ends and another begins

by sandy26 on Thu Jan 28, 2016 09:25 PM

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Hi Stan,

I had my grandkids yesterday. They are a lot of help. My granddaughter is only 2 and she is so sweet. She must know I am hurting and missing Grandpa. Yesterday she kept tellimg me - I love you grandma and don't worry I will take care of you. Like I said - such a sweet little granddaugther. She is always hugging me and kissing me. My grandson is doing better - he is 4 and he is still missing that special bond he has for his grandpa. He loved his grandpa dearly. They were buddies.  He loves me - but he misses that special bond with Grandpa. He is getting better. I am going to take him on Sunday without the granddaughter so we can have some special time together. Thank God for kids and grandkids. They do help. It was 5 weeks yesterday. I am not crying as often, but I do get my moments. I really miss the hugs and kisses. I miss my husband. I miss it all. I will figure this new life out. I am still trying to grip all that has happen to our family over the last 6 months. My husband went from going on vacation in June for our anniversary to dead in December. With no symtoms before hand. Such a shock. I hate caner. I say that everyday. I hate cancer and they will never find a cure. Sorry - that is just how I feel. It is a muti-billion dollar business. When Opdivo is $45,000 each visit - they are all getting rich fast. So sad for all.

This emotion they call grief sure is strange. It can really take control of your head if you let it. I still feel like I am walking around in a fog. It has only been 5 weeks but, it feels like it has been a year. It is lonely.

This is a horrible time of life!!  I hope all this pain goes away soon. 


RE: as one year ends and another begins

by eternalife on Fri Jan 29, 2016 07:11 PM

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Hi Carrie,

Well, 18 months without your spouse is not a long time. If you have a new man friend... wow...regardless... grieving will depend on the individual and the relationship you had before death... great to keep moving forward...unlike you, I am not interested right now and may never have another life / marriage with someone else... I do believe life does get a little bit more predictable... never the same way as when we had our spouses... it is a new life.. and we have to embrace it all whether we like it or not... sad but true....

WISHING YOU ONLY THE BEST on your new path...

RE: as one year ends and another begins

by eternalife on Fri Jan 29, 2016 07:15 PM

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Hi Irene,

I like what you said " finding a new balance"- that's it exactly, losing our spouses set us all off kilter.... we have felt disoriented and confused, disappointed, angry, upset and on and on... however.. all of these feelings are just feelings and once I realized that my feelings should not control me forever.. the fog began to lift...

thanks for the clarity on the subject... you are always so right in your perspective.

Best and hugs to you, my friend,

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