as one year ends and another begins

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RE: as one year ends and another begins

by StanToronto on Sun Feb 21, 2016 12:03 AM

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Hi Sandy,

"Life goes on and it is strange but I have noticed getting out and moving forward is what you need to do to start your new life. It is a new life and your time will come to be with your loved one again someday. Until then I am going to make the best of this new life I have. I love my husband and I love myself so I must move on."

You have a great objective, but be prepared to fall off the wagon from time to time. After observing SO many people still incapacitated by grief after a year and even two years, I was determined that I was not going to allow that to happen to me!! After the fifth month I felt I was doing rather great; and by sixth month, I was satisfied that I had beat the system!! :-) And then in month seven, it all crashed in on top of me!

As many have said, the first year is bad, but the second year is even badder!! Sort of like when the shock of the first year finally fades, you are left to endure the stark barren reality of what has happened.

In the eighth month, I have chosen to start all over again from the beginning, isolating myself from family, friends and church; and spend some alone time in an effort to acquire a new focus. A major aspect of what is going on is "stress"; and Dr. Merry Lin (clinical psych) emphasizes the importance of getting enough sleep, along with spending time just doing nothing, to allow your mind and body to recover! So . . . I am going to try that. I am only two weeks into it, but I am observing positive results.

At eight months, I am perhaps not so much grieving my loss so much as perhaps grieving my future. What is there left? It is a total blank. As I look into my future, all I see a large vacant somewhat foggy empty room.

So the next challenge is how to furnish that large empty room with something meaningful. So far, coming up to my 74 the birthday, I haven't come up with a single clue. But . . . not to get all stressed out about it. That will only delay the process. :-)

RE: as one year ends and another begins

by sandy26 on Sun Feb 21, 2016 01:57 AM

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Hi Stan,

Yep, grieving is a strange process. I know some days will be good and some will be bad. I felt good all day today until I had to go to the store and for some reason when I was walking down an isle looking for something I just started to cry. It just hit me. Then I thought - I am by myself - I am alone now. Everything I do - I do it by myself. 

 Mike and I did everything together. He cooked and I washed the dishes. We both cleaned. We both worked our whole lives so we shared all the daily chores. We just retired 2 years ago to be with our grandkids and cancer had to mess up our plans.

I HATE CANCER!

I know the first year will be the worst. I know I will have set backs. I just pray this sadness will fade some. It is lonely without my husband.

Sandy 

RE: as one year ends and another begins

by StanToronto on Sun Feb 21, 2016 04:13 AM

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Hi Sandy,

I have been thinking this evening, how much more difficult this entire process is going to be for you, than me. At age 74, and 50 wonderful years with God' most perfect gift for me, I really have no room to complaint because I've it all, and it has been a wonderful life!  But yours was taken away from you early . . Far too early! That must be SO much more difficult to deal with. ??

I have observed the way grandma's interact with grandchildren in a way that I envy. Although my grandchildren demonstrate a lot of effective toward me, I am never free from the feeling that is only because I am all they have of grandma. I could never hope to replace  her.

Like you and Mike, Ethel and I also did everything together, so we didn't have much of an outside social life. Between the two of us, and our children, they were far more than we ever needed.

Nevertheless, having been so wonderful in caring for me over the past  months, I have decided to stay away and give their life back to them while I find a new life for myself. 

I remember when my mother died, my father came to our house after the funeral. He never left! . . . Ethel and I were committed to never doing anything like that to our kids. I would prefer my family to view me as someone they loved, rather than a mere burden or obligation!

Now that I have finished unloading, have a great weekend Sandy, or whatever is left of it. ??

RE: as one year ends and another begins

by Marie55 on Mon Feb 22, 2016 04:00 AM

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It will be two years in March that my husband passed from stage iv cancer. It is comforting to see familiar names and how everyone is doing. The last two years have been challenging and I try every day to make the day fulfilling and positive. No family in my immediate area so that seems to be the hardest. My daughter, SIL, granddaughters came for the holidays from out of state and it was fun and hectic. After they left, I realized how "maybe" the grief journey could have been be a tad bit easier for me if I had family nearby. Most of my girlfriends are married so, though they are supportive, not sure if they fully understand the depth of grief and how hard it has been without my husband. I keep working on meeting new friends, taking emeritus classes, trying to be of service to two terminally ill ladies, volunteer at two different nonprofits. My husband told me in his final days I would be okay. I would just sob and say "never, without you." He was my best friend. It still breaks my heart all he went through in nine months of stage iv cancer. So all we have is the moment, and we never know what is around the corner. I have great faith we will be united someday so that brings me comfort. Until that time, need to make the best of each day. To the newcomers, I send you a big hug.

RE: as one year ends and another begins

by sandy26 on Mon Feb 22, 2016 02:41 PM

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Two years and you still miss your husband. I imagine you will miss him forever. He was your Family.  Kids and grandkids do help me...but I have to be honest... I miss my husband and cry for him everyday. Nothing can take his place. It will be 2 months tomorrow. I have my grandkids today so that will help me. This is a lonely life without my husband. For some reason last night I kept waking up all night thinking about growing old alone. It really was a sick feeling. That is the first time that has happened - I hope I get over that feeling. I did not like it.  

I am looking for a support group in the Seattle area. Does anyone out there know of a good one? Or just some new friends my age who are going through the same thing. Like you said Marie55 - your friends are married and they go on with their lives. They have not walked in your shoes yet so they don't really understand.

Well, on with a new day in this battle of emotions.

Sandy

RE: as one year ends and another begins

by StanToronto on Mon Feb 22, 2016 03:13 PM

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Sandy

There are lots listed for you area at:

http://www.griefshare.org/groups/search

I attended one of these groups for three months, but in all fairness, I find the bunch here on this forum more helpful.

With the Grief Share program, most of those attending are newbies, and because everyone knows who they are, they don't tend to reveal all that much. But on this forum, since we are somewhat anonymous, we just let it all hang without reservation. So, this is a better place to find out how others feel compared to what we are going through.

Another thing I like about this site is what we learn from oldies, who are one and two years or more dealing with this, which is helpful in giving an idea what to expect, and not feel defeated when we learn that others are doing no better than we are.

RE: as one year ends and another begins

by Shereeclint on Mon Feb 22, 2016 04:41 PM

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On Feb 22, 2016 4:00 AM Marie55 wrote:

It will be two years in March that my husband passed from stage iv cancer. It is comforting to see familiar names and how everyone is doing. The last two years have been challenging and I try every day to make the day fulfilling and positive. No family in my immediate area so that seems to be the hardest. My daughter, SIL, granddaughters came for the holidays from out of state and it was fun and hectic. After they left, I realized how "maybe" the grief journey could have been be a tad bit easier for me if I had family nearby. Most of my girlfriends are married so, though they are supportive, not sure if they fully understand the depth of grief and how hard it has been without my husband. I keep working on meeting new friends, taking emeritus classes, trying to be of service to two terminally ill ladies, volunteer at two different nonprofits. My husband told me in his final days I would be okay. I would just sob and say "never, without you." He was my best friend. It still breaks my heart all he went through in nine months of stage iv cancer. So all we have is the moment, and we never know what is around the corner. I have great faith we will be united someday so that brings me comfort. Until that time, need to make the best of each day. To the newcomers, I send you a big hug.

Hi Marie,

It is nice to see your name on these pages once again. Thank you for assisting the 2 terminal ladies and others as a part of your nonprofit service.

I am blessed to have as my Sunday school teacher a hospice Chaplin with over 10 years’ experience. He has attended to 100’s of deaths and 1000’s of family members over that period.

Over the Christmas holiday break he was led by the Lord to prepare for our class the lessons he has learned from his experience. He entitled it “7 things everyone should KNOW before they die”.

He provided an outline and then told us that he was going to take the liberty of spending as much time as necessary to fully explore each item. Well, it took 5 Sundays, each of which were filled with invaluable insights, stories, and truth. I recorded the sessions and now listen to them in the car or at home during quiet time.

To assist you, I would like to send you the outline and a thumb drive with the recorded lessons. If you run into any problems downloading the thumb drive just ask anyone you know under the age of 16 for assistance. LOL

I hope this will be as valuable to you as it has to others to whom I have shared his powerful words. Please private message me with your address and I will send them along.

I pray GOD leads you in this very special role as a spiritual care giver.

Clint      

RE: as one year ends and another begins

by sandy26 on Tue Feb 23, 2016 12:48 AM

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Stan,

Funny you mentioned this grief site. I sent several message to 3 of the churches listed in my area and not one of them contacted me back. So, I decided that is not right for me.

I agree - this website helps me. Like you said several veterans are on here and sad to say they have been through it and know the emotions :(

Thanks and have a great evening. I am going to have a glass of wine and relax. My grandkids and I did a lot of running in the park today. Hopefully the fresh air and exercise will help me sleep better tonight.

Sandy

RE: as one year ends and another begins

by carrieg55 on Tue Feb 23, 2016 03:18 PM

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On Feb 23, 2016 12:48 AM sandy26 wrote:

Stan,

Funny you mentioned this grief site. I sent several message to 3 of the churches listed in my area and not one of them contacted me back. So, I decided that is not right for me.

I agree - this website helps me. Like you said several veterans are on here and sad to say they have been through it and know the emotions :(

Thanks and have a great evening. I am going to have a glass of wine and relax. My grandkids and I did a lot of running in the park today. Hopefully the fresh air and exercise will help me sleep better tonight.

Sandy

Hi Sandy,

I have been following your posts I don't always reply I'm not sure why but, I don't.

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband I truly am, I wish there was something I could say to make it better.

As I followed your post I see you have been looking for a group to join I am not sure about the area you live in I live in the sunshine state, I did go to a bereavement group it was sponsered through the hospice program that my late husband was in. I was thinking maybe you could call the hospice organization near your home and see if they offer any types of bereavement counseling, it is usually free of charge.

I do hope this helps you.

I can only speak of my own journey down this road of grief, the first year was the worst, in the beginning you feel like you are in a fog (its normal), you feel lost, isolated and yes, the only ones who seem to understand are the ones who have also lost a spouse.....they get it.

I lost my husband and my job in the same week so I got hit with a double whammy........maybe it was a blessing in disguise because it gave me time to grieve the loss of my sweet hubby.

I am still trying to find my way it will be two years for me May 15th. There are somedays it feels like two steps forward and one step back.

I agree about the grandchildren they truly are a gift they make life worth living.

Carrie

RE: as one year ends and another begins

by carrieg55 on Tue Feb 23, 2016 03:29 PM

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On Feb 22, 2016 4:00 AM Marie55 wrote:

It will be two years in March that my husband passed from stage iv cancer. It is comforting to see familiar names and how everyone is doing. The last two years have been challenging and I try every day to make the day fulfilling and positive. No family in my immediate area so that seems to be the hardest. My daughter, SIL, granddaughters came for the holidays from out of state and it was fun and hectic. After they left, I realized how "maybe" the grief journey could have been be a tad bit easier for me if I had family nearby. Most of my girlfriends are married so, though they are supportive, not sure if they fully understand the depth of grief and how hard it has been without my husband. I keep working on meeting new friends, taking emeritus classes, trying to be of service to two terminally ill ladies, volunteer at two different nonprofits. My husband told me in his final days I would be okay. I would just sob and say "never, without you." He was my best friend. It still breaks my heart all he went through in nine months of stage iv cancer. So all we have is the moment, and we never know what is around the corner. I have great faith we will be united someday so that brings me comfort. Until that time, need to make the best of each day. To the newcomers, I send you a big hug.

HI Marie,

I was happy to see your recent post, I often wondered how you were doing I remember our journey and all the frantic posts as we watched our loved ones battling lung cancer.

Can't believe we are coming up on two years, some days it seems so long ago.....other days it seems like it was just yesterday.

I still miss my hubby everyday, I do have someone else in my life ....its just different.....

Sending you cyber hugs

Carrie

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